Waking up at Hanbin's place was a little different since I was now staying here for a while. I had to get use to his house and everything, and I knew it would take some time.
I got up and took a shower and got dressed for school. It felt weird but I'll soon get use to it. I made my way downstairs and into the kitchen to see Hanbin sitting at the table and his mom at the stove cooking something. It smelled delicious. I sat down at the table with Matt and he smiled at me, "Good morning, beautiful,"
I smiled at him, "Morning," I looked over at his mom as she was making something. "That smells so good," I watched as she turned around and smiled as she brought a plate to the table and laid it down.
"Well, thank you dear," she smiled as she walked back to the stove.
I looked at the plate on the table and saw that it was pancakes. But not just any ordinary pancakes, they were shaped like smiley faces.
I looked over at Hanbin as he was making a plate and I watched him until he caught me staring, "What?"
I looked back at the plate on the table, "Why are they all shaped like smiley faces?" I looked back at him as he smiled.
"My mom makes me these every once in a while," aw, that was adorable.
"Mommy's little boy," I said in a baby voice. He glared at me as I chuckled. "No, but seriously, that's sweet,"
He rolled his eyes, "Yeah, just don't tell anyone," he threatened.
I stared at him, "I don't have anyone to tell," did he forget that he's my only friend? I have no one to tell anything to except for him.
I made me a plate and we ate in silence until his mom spoke, "Do you want me to drive y'all to school?" she wiped her hands on a towel as she was watching us.
I looked over at Hanbin as he was finishing eating, "No mom, I can drive," I could tell he was getting irritated with he mothering him.
If only he knew that I would love to be in his shoes right now.
We finished eating and grabbed our backpacks. His mom told us bye as she was watching us from the front door. I thought it was cute how she would show him motherly love.
When we got in the car, I looked over at him, "She's really sweet,"
He started the engine and started backing up, "Yeah, a total pain in the ass too," he put the car in drive and sped down the road.
I sat there staring out the window until Hanbin spoke, Sanny," I looked over at him as he was glancing at me, "I'm sorry, I forgot. I didn't mean to-"
I cut him off, "No, it's ok. It's just that some kids don't know how lucky they have it," I looked back out the window.
It was the truth. Nobody knows what the have until it's gone. I was too young to take advantage of my mom, but I would die to have her here with me right now. She could make everything better and make all my problems disappear. I miss her more everyday and it kills me to see everybody who has a mom and doesn't give a shit how lucky they really are.
We pulled up at school and we both got out and headed inside. I was trying to get in a good mood today, but my mood got sucked right out of me. I hate thinking about my mom because everytime I do, it kills my mood.
We stopped at my locker and I threw my backpack in. Hanbin looked at me and I half smiled. I didn't want to talk right now and I hated feeling this way. I wanted Matt to know that it wasn't his fault at all.
I looked around at everyone that was standing around in the hallway and I thought how amazing their life is and they have no idea. They have a family to go home to after school, they have a loving, supporting family. Maybe I don't know what happens behind closed doors, and maybe I'm wrong, but most of the teenagers here have loving homes.
They just don't know how fucking lucky they are.
The bell rung signaling first class. I didn't even want to be here today. I didn't want to even come to school anymore. I wanted it to be all over with, and I don't think I could wait any longer.
But I know there's a woman upstairs watching down on me right now, and I sure as hell don't want to disappoint her.
*
My morning classes were so damn boring. I didn't pay any attention and I knew that was bad because it was so close to graduation and I did not want to start now to fail and not be able to graduate. That would absolutely crush me.
Lunch came and went, but nothing special. Hanbin bought me lunch and we talked about things. I never mentioned Miss Chou and he didn't bring her up.
Last night when I got dropped off, Hanbin asked me what happened and I told him everything. We stayed up pretty late with me explaining how she doesn't want us to try because she's too afraid, which I understand, but she keeps fucking with my head and it's getting annoying.
One minute she wants nothing to do with me, the next she wants me to stay with her at her house. Then she admits that she has feelings for me and how fucking crazy it is but she can't help but have them, then she's telling me that we need to forget them and move on because she's my teacher.
Fuck the system, I want that woman.
Art came around and I could literally hear my heart pound in my chest. It was beating so damn hard that I was afraid I'd have a fucking heart attack and collapse on the floor.
She still has an affect on me even when she's fucked with my heart.
Hanbin caught up with me as we was nearing her classroom. He could tell that I was nervous and to comfort me, he started telling me how I need to breathe in and out, and of course, I hit his arm.
We walked in and my eyes immediately found her. She was sitting on top of her desk, with her legs crossed, and she was looking over a paper. She had glasses on and they were on the edge of her nose, which made her look so damn beautiful.
I was staring hard at her but I couldn't look away. All of a sudden I feel myself being pulled and I look to see Hanbin staring at me.
"What was that for?" I mean, I know I was staring at her but damn, pull my arm off why don't you.
He smiled, "You were about to run into another canvas," oh. He chuckled and I glared at him. He's an idiot, but sometimes he comes in handy. "I don't get a thank you? I practically saved your life,"
I rolled my eyes as I was sitting down. I looked over at him, "Thanks for being an idiot," he pouted his lip and I chuckled, "But you're a life saver," seriously, how embarrassing would it be if I knocked over another canvas?
The bell rung and a voice that I will never forget, rang through the classroom, "Alright class, today we're starting our new project," a lot of cheers and other unknown noises. "This project will be something that comes from your heart,"
"Like blood?" a student answered and the whole class erupted in laughter, even Miss Chou was chuckling.
"Not that specific, but what makes us feel something inside our hearts, whether it's emotion, passion, pain, love or anything. It could be something or someone," her eyes scanned the room. "That is what I want you to draw or paint," hmm. Interesting.
A student raised his hand, "Ok, so we can paint whatever we want that makes us feel those emotions"
Miss Chou nodded, "Anything that her heart desires. Draw what makes you feel any or all of the emotions," she smiled as everyone looked like they understood. She made her way back to her desk and sat down.
I looked over at Hanbin as he was getting his things ready. He looked up and met my eyes as I was watching him, "What are you drawing?" maybe if he tells me then I'll get inspired because right now, I can't think of shit.
He smiled, "I'm drawing my mom," oh God. "She's the reason for so many emotions inside of me, and without her, I wouldn't be here,"
Thanks Hanbin.
I looked at my canvas and thought of everything that made my heart feel every emotion. I looked to the front of the classroom and seen Miss Chou sitting at her desk.
She definitely was the cause of so many emotions, but those emotions aren't all good. She's the cause of the most pain inside my heart, and depression. She causes me sadness more than I've ever been sad in my entire life. She makes all my emotions run hectic in my heart and she doesn't even care. She breaks my heart in so many pieces and I don't think I can ever be put back together.
So, why should she get the spot light yet again? I already drew her once, why the hell would I do it again?
I try to think back to when I was fourteen. I was just going into high school scared as hell and nervous, and I remember my mom dropping me off on my first day. She told me that I would have a good first day and that I shouldn't be nervous about anything.
I guess that was the best advice I could ever ask for, especially since it came from my mom. She knew exactly what to say to me because throughout my first day of high school I wasn't nervous and everything went great, all because of how my mom made me feel about the whole thing.
She was always there when I needed her, but of course all great things must come to an end.
My mom died a month after and everything in my life started falling apart. Yoona started abusing me and I was left to suffer from it. I couldn't handle anything and school was just another load on my shoulders. I wanted to end it all so bad.
I tried suicide, plenty of times, but I was too scared to do it. I couldn't bring myself to move the blade across my wrist or my neck. All I could think about was everything that I went through, and I thought about my mom in that moment. How sad she would have been up in heaven if I did committ suicide. Sure, my life was a living hell, but did I really want to end it because I thought I wasn't strong enough? There's always obstacles in my life but I overcame them because I knew that I was stronger than what I thought I was.
I guess thinking about my mom at those hard times helped me overcome my depression. She was there in the back of my mind telling me that I was stronger than what I seemed to be and that killing myself was not an option.
I could hear her voice so clear that I broke down crying one night when I was trying to kill myself. It was crazy how a simple voice in my head made me stop and actually listen.
My mom was the reason for many things and I couldn't thank her enough for guiding me for as long as she could before God took her. She was the best and she'll always be the best even though she's gone.
I miss her everyday .
I was lost in my own thoughts that I didn't know that I was actually drawing on my canvas. I guess my hand was taking over as my mind was off somewhere else thinking of things.
I stopped and it looked at it. I could feel so many emotions running through my head and heart that I couldn't even look at the canvas anymore. It was tearing everything inside of me not to break down in front of everyone.
I closed my eyes for a few seconds and calmed myself down. I didn't need to start crying in front of everyone because that'll only have everyone staring at me, then asking what's wrong and I don't want to have to answer any questions.
I looked over at Hanbin and noticed that he was lost in his painting. It looked amazing. He was a really great artist just like his parents said because he could draw or paint anything and it'll come out amazing.
He stopped for a moment then looked over at me, "Does it look good?" he asked as he motioned towards his canvas. All I could so was nod because I was speechless beyond anything.
He smiled then looked at my canvas. He stared at it for a moment until he looked back at me, "What are you drawing?"
He never met my mom. My mom died before Hanbin came into my life, so he never came over and met her, and he never seen her before because I've never showed him any pictures.
I mean, I just told him about her death not too long ago.
I smiled a little, "My mom,"
He looked at me, "Are you copying me?" I could sense humor in his voice as he smiled at me.
I rolled my eyes, "No. I was just thinking about she was and still is the reason for my emotions,"
He nodded then looked to the front of the classroom then leaned towards me a little, "I thought you were going to draw Miss Chou again," he winked at me and I rolled my eyes.
"Why would I give her the spot light again?" he shrugged. "Plus, don't you think it'll be a little suspicious if I did?" I mean, what would everyone think if I drew her again?
He nodded, " Good point," he leaned back and looked at my canvas before looking at me. "It's really good though. I can't wait until it's done,"
I smiled and stared at my canvas. It's good to have Hanbin criticize my art when he's the best of the best.
I couldn't wait until it was completely done. Then maybe Miss Chou will let me take it home.
*
When the bell rung, I noticed that I wasn't no where near done with my canvas so I decided to cover it up and leave it in the back. I didn't want anyone seeing it yet, especially Miss Chou.
After I put my canvas up and all my art supplies, I was walking to the door with Hanbin until I heard someone stop me.
"Sana, can you stay back for a minute?"
I turned around and saw Miss Chou staring at me as she was sitting at her desk. I looked back at Hanbin but he just shrugged. I didn't know what was going on or why she wanted me to stay back, but I knew it wasn't anything good.
Hanbin and I made our way to her desk and she looked at me and Hanbin. It seemed as though she was thinking about something as she kept looking between us.
"The rehab called me this morning," she watched as I stared at her, feeling my heart beat.
I wonder if they said that Yoona doesn't want to be there anymore, I mean, It's logical since she never stays there for long.
I slowly nodded to indicate for her to continue. She stared at me for the longest time and I thought my heart would pound out of my chest if she didn't hurry up and say something.
"Yoona wants you to come visit her,"