By the next morning, Mrs. Chou took me to my house to get my clothes. She didn't ask anymore about why I wanted to stay with her. She still thinks that I'm afraid of staying by myself, which was partially true.
Yoona was still not there. I didn't know where she was, but no doubt that she's hiding somewhere. I don't understand why she has to be so stupid and cause all this shit to happen when she knows that she won't get out of it.
Instead the guys are looking for me now, and Mrs. Chou. I can't let that happen. They can mess with me all they want to, but they're not touching Mrs. Chou.
We didn't really talk last night at her house. We didn't do much of anything and I'm not sure why. She's been acting weird ever since yesterday afternoon.
I still have a feeling that she's hiding her feelings from me. I mean, what else reason would it be for her to act weird around me now? She's been totally fine before I kissed her, and now she can't do anything around me without acting nervous.
I tried talking to her, but she keeps shutting me out. It's like she doesn't want to talk to me about it, but she doesn't know that I already know.
I'm smarter than she thinks.
We pulled up at the school a little later than yesterday. We had about twenty minutes until the bell rung, and I blame myself for making her late. I was slacking around because she was irritating me.
She wouldn't talk to me at all last night and she sure as hell didn't speak this morning, hardly. I don't know what's going on but it's getting on my nerves how she won't talk to me or even look me in the eyes like she's always been doing.
We got out and Mrs. Chou left in a hurry. I watched as she was walking fast into the school. I sighed and slung my backpack over my shoulder and thought how bad it was that I made her late. She wasn't going to be in a good mood today now.
I walked inside to find Hanbin. He's always here early because he likes school and it's weird because I don't know a single person that actually likes school.
Besides me.
It's weird to think that my type actually likes school, but with my life, school is a vacation to me. I would love to stay longer at school if that was even possible.
Going home is hell and being at school is like a small vacation for eight hours a day.
I hate the weekends.
School is where I can actually breathe and not have to worry about anything, besides my grades. But being here means that I am away from Yoona.
I found Hanbin at his locker, like always. He was sitting on the ground against it, reading something. I walked over to him and sat down next to him. I looked at the book that he was reading, he then looked over at me and smiled.
"Morning Beautiful," he smiled as I smiled. He always makes my mornings better and I love him for it.
"What are you reading?" I looked over at the book in his hands and he smiled at me.
"Just reading. Nothing really important," I looked down at the book and read the front cover.
"The city of bones? What's that about?" I watched as he flipped through a few pages and smiled down at it.
"Mortals," he smiled. "It's hard to explain it. I'll lend you the book if you're interested," he held the book up and I looked at it.
I hardly have time to sit and read, so I declined the offer and he nodded. He didn't ask why, but I'm glad he didn't.
We were sitting there for a while and I heard the bell ring. I sighed as we both got up. I didn't want to go to class but I knew that I had to. I couldn't exactly skip and it was rough.
We said our goodbyes and went our separate ways until lunch.
I just hope today will be good.
*
By lunch time, I met up with Hanbin and we walked to the cafeteria together. He offered to buy my lunch and I didn't refuse. I was actually hungry today and he was more than happy to buy lunch.
I sat down at a table and waited for him to return. I looked around at everyone and noticed that they were all at specific tables with specific people in their 'group'. That's what I hate about high school; everyone thinks they're better than anyone else. Everyone has a mindset of who is who and who is not who. Most likely if you're 'in' then you're cool, if you're not, then you're not cool.
Who the fuck cares?
I never understood why everyone can't hang out with everyone. It doesn't matter if their different from others or not, because we're all humans and we shouldn't have to be picked out amongst the rest like a selection.
I seen Hanbin walking over and I could already feel my stomach growling. Mrs. Chou made breakfast this morning and it was the fist time in years that I had an amazing breakfast. Usually I eat cereal or whatever I can find in the mornings.
He handed me a slice of pizza with a napkin and I thanked him before I started eating. We were both eating, and not talking much, until he brought up something that I didn't want him to bring up.
"So, tell me about your sister," I'm glad I wasn't swallowing my food at the time because I would of choked from the unexpected question he asked. He stared at me as I was trying to think of something to say but didn't know what to make come out of my mouth.
"Um, well.." what do I say? I've already lied to him over the years, I guess I could lie some more. I took a deep breath and looked at him, "She's pretty cool," he nodded as he kept staring at me, begging with his eyes to say more. I shrugged, "There's nothing really to say about her," I watched as his eyes were searching mine.
He nodded, "Ok," I prayed that he was going to end the conversation there. "When can I meet her?" oh no.
"Uh.." I looked down at the table in hopes that it would provide me with the answer I needed. I looked back up at him, "I don't know. She's always busy," which wasn't a lie. Because apparently she is because she hasn't been home in a few days.
He nodded and dropped the subject. I was more than happy because I hated talking about that.
I just don't know how much longer I can keep this up.
*
By the end of the day, it was art and I was more than happy to be in there. I don't know what it is, but being in here makes me feel a whole lot better and I'm pretty sure it has to do with the amazing woman who teaches it.
We didn't have an assignment today so Mrs. Chou gave us free time to do whatever we wanted. If we wanted to draw, or paint, we could. If we wanted to talk to friends, we could. She was the coolest teacher at the school and everyone loved her.
Art was a subject that was easy to pass, if Mrs. Chou was in her good mood. If she wasn't, then she'd make us do an assignment and actually grade us on it over the list of the six project grading system.
Art is no joke.
Don't take it as all fun and games, because you will get your ass worked for that grade.
I'm pretty sure everyone thought that they could come in here and get an easy grade, but was surely let down when they found out that they actually had to work. Which I didn't mind one bit, because I love challenging myself when it comes to drawing or painting. I love doing it, but school is the only place and time I can actually enjoy it.
I was zoned out throughout the whole class period, because the bell rung and I noticed that I had been sitting in front of my canvas, without doing anything.
I looked over at Hanbin and noticed that he was reading his book, so he didn't notice that I was daydreaming.
Matt looked over at me after he put all his stuff in his backpack, "Mrs. Chou giving you a ride again?" I nodded and he smiled, "Hit any bases yet?" he chuckled and I was five seconds away from punching him. He apologized, which wasn't really an apology, then said his goodbye and left.
I got up and grabbed my backpack then made my way over to the front of the room where Mrs. Chou was sitting at her desk putting everything away. I stopped in front and watched her as she was opening her drawers and stuffing paper down into it. She looked up and caught me watching her. I stared back at her and it felt like minutes until she broke eye contact.
I watched as she got up and grabbed her bag. I needed to talk to her, and I pray that she'll talk to me this time without shutting me out.
I stood in front of her before she had the chance to walk any further. She looked at me and I could tell that she was asking with her eyes, what the hell I was doing.
"Can we talk?" I decided to start light before jumping into the heavy questions that I knew she wouldn't want to talk about. I stood there and watched as she was staring at me. I didn't know if she was going to agree or not.
"Sure," she sat her bag on her desk and turned back to me then crossed her arms. I studied her for a moment and wondered if she was really going to talk this time.
I took a deep breath, "I wanted to know why you've been acting weird," I stared at her then continued, "You won't talk to me or even look at me, and you've been avoiding my question that I asked you two days ago," I stood there waiting and hearing my heart pound in my ears all at the same time.
She looked down for a moment then looked back up and met my eyes. "There's some reasons that aren't meant to be told. You have to respect that," her blue eyes stared into mine and I felt butterflies in my stomach, but quickly pushed them back down.
I shook my head, "I respect everything you do, Mrs. Chou because you're a respectable person, but I think I deserve an answer to my question," I watched as she stared at me.
She shook her head, "No," she grabbed her bag and started walking around me but I was quicker. I walked in front of her and blocked her way. She looked at me for a moment, "Move, Sana," she tried to get around me but I kept blocking her way.
She wants to be stubborn, I can be just as bad.
"Sana, I will not ask you again to move," then don't. I didn't let her pass and I knew it was pissing her off. She was becoming irritated and I knew that she wouldn't be able to keep going for long.
I can go on forever.
We kept going on for a few minutes, and I was waiting for her to cave in. I knew that it was only a few more times before she wouldn't be able to handle it anymore.
She shut her eyes for a moment and took a deep breath. When she opened them, her blue eyes met mine and we stared at each other for a while. It felt like forever as we were standing there staring at each other without saying a word.
"Sana," she barely whispered as she looked down. I knew that she wanted to say something but her mind was restraining her from doing so.
"Mrs. Chou," she looked up at me. "Please," I begged her. I needed her to talk to me. I needed her to stop being afraid of whatever she was afraid of. "You can tell me," I watched as she shook her head. "Why can't you?" she looked down and I knew that this wasn't going to be easy.
I lifted her chin and made eye contact with her, "Stop looking away from me," I saw her slightly smile and I do believe that was a blush across her face. I smiled as I stared at her.
"You're something, Sana," she gently grabbed my wrist without breaking eye contact, and I felt my heart start hammering in my chest at the contact. I heard her take a deep breath, "I can't keep doing this," she shut her eyes and I stared at her wondering what she meant.
When she opened them, she looked right at me, "Having feelings for you,"
I felt my body freeze up and I couldn't talk or move or even breathe. My whole body was frozen and I didn't know what to do. I felt my heart pound in my chest and heat rise up to my cheeks. My heart was hammering so damn hard, I'm pretty sure I was about to pass out.
I removed my hand and stood there like an idiot, staring at her. I couldn't believe what she just told me and my body wasn't reacting at all.
"W-what?" I barely got out because it literally took every part in my body for my mouth to form that word. I didn't know if this was really happening because it felt like a dream.
She shut her eyes for a moment, "Sana, this isn't easy," I watched her for a minute and listening to my heart pound at the same time.
"What's not easy," I whispered, hoping that my body wouldn't fail on me and collapse on the ground in a pile.
She stared at me, "Having feelings for you," she shook her head and I knew that she was denying everything that she was saying. She was just afraid and I understand completely. She looked at me, "I never intended on it to happen, and I wish it didn't,"
I felt my heart shatter as I watched her. I knew it was too good to be true. Nothing in my life is ever great enough for it to get any better than it was.
I took a deep breath, "So, this is real?" I needed to make sure she wasn't playing with my head or if my ears wasn't playing jokes on me. It didn't seem real because I never imagined her telling me this.
She slowly nodded and I could feel my heart in my throat.
Before anything else gets said, I decided to ask, "How long?" I knew she knows what I was implying to, so there was no need to ask.
She sighed, "It doesn't matter, Sana. None of this matters," I watched as she didn't make eye contact with me and it broke my heart.
My depressed state was now filled with anger. I didn't want to stand here and listen to her tell me that she wish she didn't have feelings for me or that it was all a joke because I'm her fucking student. I've had enough disappointments in my life and I wasn't about to make the only thing that makes me not kill myself, tell me all this shit that I don't want to hear from the one person that makes my days a whole lot better.
"Mrs. Chou," I started, but she held her hand up and I watched as her eyes met mine.
She stared at me for a moment, "Sana, once we walk out of this school, we will pretend this never happened. We will not let this ruin our teacher and student relationship at all. I'm going to ignore these feelings and you should too," I watched as she was speaking to me, but all I heard was the sound of my beating heart.
"This can't happen," she was walking around me and that's when I grabbed her arm and we were face to face. I wanted to know what she meant when she said that, and we were not leaving until I get some kind of explanation. I begged with my eyes for her to tell me because I needed to know.
She sighed, "Sana, this can't happen. We both need to let these feelings go," she tried to get out of my grip but I held onto her firmly. She stared at me but I wasn't letting her walk out.
"Mrs. Chou," I looked at her for a moment. "If you were planning on telling me that we should ignore these feelings at the end, then why the hell would you tell me that you had them in the first place," she didn't realize that just by telling me that, she was ripping a hole in my heart.
She was silent for a while until she spoke, "It's not easy when you're around me all the time. I don't mean to hurt your feelings, Sana, but it's the truth and sometimes the truth hurts,"
Sometimes the truth hurts. Isn't that such irony on my part. She has no idea what goes on in my life and she doesn't realize that what she's telling me is killing me on the inside.
I couldn't take it anymore, and I wasn't going to let my heart take it anymore.
I stared at her for a while until I got my breathing under control. "If what you're telling me is true, then so be it. Lets not have any more contact inside or outside of school," I watched her for a moment and seen her eyes searching mine.
"Goodbye, Mrs. Chou,"
I didn't give her a second thought as I just raced out the door and ran down the hall and outside the school. I heard her yell my name but I ignored her as I ran as fast as I could. I needed to get away from everything and I needed to rest my whole entire being from everything that I have experienced the last four years.
Having my mom die, my sister on drugs and her abuse me, to having a crush on my teacher, then telling her, then her telling me that she has the same feelings towards me then her laughing in my face as she explains that we can never happen so I need to just forget the feelings I've had for her for the last four fucking years.
My life is a joke.
The tears in my eyes were getting worse as I was running. I couldn't hardly see but I didn't have time to stop. I ran straight on without thinking much or looking back.
I ran up my porch to my house and took my keys out to unlock the door. I needed a nap and a long one. I needed to get rid of all the shit that I've been dealing with for the last four years and I needed to wash away everything inside of me.
When I stuck the key inside the door, I noticed that it was unlocked. That's weird. I'm pretty sure I locked it back this morning when Mrs. Chou brought me to get some clothes. I remember walking out and locking it. Why the hell was it unlocked?
As I turned the door knob and walked in, I knew that everything was getting a lot worse and I had no idea what to do at this part.
Yoona stood there, staring at me and I had no idea what was about to come next and I don't think that my body was fully ready for it.
"Where the hell have you been?" she stared at me and I was standing there, trying not to cry. I didn't want to appear weak in front of her, but I didn't want to face her either. I didn't want to deal with anything right now because I was emotionally drained as it is.
Can I ever get a break?
"I was at school," I whispered while trying to avoid eye contact. I knew she was fucked up. I mean, why else would she ask where I have been?
I heard her walk towards me and I looked up to meet her eyes. I could see the high in her eyes and it broke my heart to see her like this. This was my sister, and she was throwing her life away on drugs.
I loved her, don't get me wrong. I've always loved my sister, but I don't love what she's doing. She thinks I hate her, but it's not true. I hate everything that she's putting herself through and she doesn't realize that.
I took a slow, shaky breath, "Yoona," I could see her eyes staring back at mine. "Where were you the last few days?" I wanted to know. She never tells me and I think I have the right to know.
"Why the hell would I tell you?" I knew it was just a shot in the wind. She never tells me anything and I knew that if I asked her, she wouldn't give me an answer.
"Yoona," I watched as she stared at me. I sighed, "I just wanted to know where you been. You never tell me anything,"
"And there's reason for that! You don't need to know my fucking business because it's none of yours!" I could hear my heart pound in my chest and I knew that this wasn't going right.
I decided to let it go. I didn't want anymore trouble. I didn't even tell her about those guys because honestly, she wouldn't care. I walked around her to go to my room, but she grabbed my hand and made me face her.
"Not so fast," I looked at her as she was about to hit me. I shut my eyes and waited for the impact but instead, I heard a car door slam.
I looked over at Yoona who went to the window and looked out. I couldn't tell who it was and by the look on her face, I knew it was someone we didn't know.
She looked back at me, "It's that woman," oh shit. She walked to me and pushed me against the wall. "Why the hell is she here," I could feel her nails digging into my arms.
"I don't know," I stared at her as she was staring back at me. I knew she didn't believe it. She never believes anything I say.
We heard a knock on the door and y looked at me. "Open the door and tell her to leave," I stared at her for a moment as she kept me pinned against the wall, "Don't say a damn word to her," she released me and I walked upstairs.
I slowly walked to the door and opened it. Mrs. Chou looked at as I swung the door open and I stared back at her. I didn't have anything to say to her, and I honestly don't know what she's doing here.
"Can I help you?" I decided to be nice at least. Even though she shattered my heart.
"I came to check up on you," she stared at me and I felt myself growing weak. "I just.." she paused for a moment,
"I just wanted to make sure you're alright," even after what I went through, I still could feel my heart pound in my chest.
Damn you, Mrs. Chou.
"Oh, well I'm fine, thanks," I was about to shut the door but she stopped it. I looked at her like she was crazy as she stared back at me.
"I wanted to talk," oh no.
I shook my head, "Now is not a good time," she stared at me for a moment and I knew I had to come up with a smarter answer. "Homework. A lot of homework," I nodded as she was staring at me.
She looked passed me for a second then back at me. "Is your sister here?"
I shook my head, "Nope,"
She stared at me, "Is she ever here?"
"Yes, but she's not at the moment. So bye," I tried to shut the door again, but she stopped it, again. I mentally groaned as I was becoming irritated with this.
"Can I come in?" she watched me for a moment and I knew that she knows I'm lying.
I shook my head, "No, I think you should leave now," again, I tried to shut the door but she stopped it. I was growing annoyed by this and I knew that I was about to snap. "Mrs. Chou, leave!" I yelled. It didn't feel right to yell in her face and I felt bad afterwards when I seen the look on her face. The look of shock and melancholy.
I didn't give her anymore time to talk as I slammed the door then locked it. I leaned my forehead against it as I heard her walk off the porch and into her car.
Once her car was gone, I walk upstairs.
Yoona stopped me on the way up and asked what happened. I told her the truth then she threatened to beat me if I ever tell her or anyone else what goes on in this house. I agreed with every word she said then made my way up to my room to lay down.
These feelings will be the death of me.