Trigger warning: Self Harm
~Mason~
"Good Morning,"
"Mmph"
Is all I get from Noah as he passes me to go to the bedroom, almost as if I don't exist. Even Yakota whines in the back of my head from the pain, but I do my best to ignore it. Rubbing the sore left side of my chest where my broken heart still pulsed.
At this point, I'd rather he just break our bond
Yakoata groans and I agree with him.
Yeah, but he won't. He loves Tristan too much to hurt him
I reply as much as it pains me to think of the fact that Noah no longer loves us, I know it's true.
I wish you just kept your big mouth shut
Instead of arguing with him I walk out of our wing and down the stone staircase to my center office.
"Well, you look a little worse for wear," Remy doesn't have to remind me as I plop down at my office chair without much of a care.
"Tell me something I don't know," I picked up my tablet and stared at the hundreds of messages waiting for me without opening a single one. And I thought running one pack was hard, watching over an island of packs with 1,500 werewolves and shifters was another level. Not once has it gotten easier these past five years.
"The Crimson alpha wants to speak to you. Apparently it's about something that happened between the twins and his son," Remy starts and I avoid his worried look.
"Have you been drinking again?" Remy pauses and I put down the tablet, rubbing the bridge of my nose.
"No, you know I've been sober since I've been with my mates," I remind him and he nods, clearing his throat.
"Sorry, you're right. It's just I haven't seen you look so distraught since then. Is there something I can do? You know you can tell me anything," Remy says as he closes the office door behind him.
"I'm fine, Remy," I scratch my head as I try to clear my head from Noah but I can't without doing it again. But I can't do it with Remy here.
"You know, Rowan's taught me a thing or two since they work at the hospital," He mentions and comes closer to me, sitting on the edge of the desk as he gives me a look.
"Wanna tell me why you're wearing a long sleeve shirt when it's ninety degrees outside?" He asks and I should have known my beta better.
"My mates haven't noticed," I clear my throat again and he raises his brow.
"Which is why I'm not your mate, I probably know you a lot better than them to be honest," He mentions and pushes the tablet aside, pulling my hands into his lap as he undid the buttons on my sleeves.
"Is it here?" Remy asks as he slowly tugs the sleeve down. I don't have to confirm since he could see the small red lines I had made to keep my pain at bay.
"I have an entire island to watch over Remy. I can't let Noah distract me like this," I try to make excuses but the tears building in his lower lids told me what I did had no excuses.
"Great, I'll just add you to the list of all the people disappointed with m-" He wraps his arms around me and hugs me without question.
"Mason," He groans as he squeezes me and I wrap my arms around him, not knowing just how badly I needed some kind of love until now. I'm sure Noah doesn't want me anymore and Tristan probably thinks I'm too weak to protect him through this pregnancy.
"I feel like such a failure, I don't know if I can do this anymore," I sigh into his shoulder but he shakes his head.
"No, no you're not," He says without hesitation and I let my hands slip from him. Opening my eyes to find a blushing Rowan standing in the doorway as they stared at Remy and I in disbelief.
"Shit," I muttered under my breath as Remy turned around, Rowan quickly disappearing before he could even call out to them.
"Go," I quickly dismiss him but he looks torn between his alpha and his mate, but quickly chooses his mate and runs after them. As it always should be.
I wonder if Noah or Tris would ever choose me over someone else.
The thought gives off too many painful shockwaves through my heart as I pull out the small pocket knife. Now that he was gone I could go do a little cut now just to clear my head.
NOAH! MASON! HELP!
Tristan screams through our shared link and I drop the knife mid-cut, jumping over my desk to run up to our wing.
I bumped into Noah as we both stood in the living room, uncertain as to where Tristan was exactly.
"I'm in the study!" He calls out and we both rush into the small library before the heavy wooden door slams shut behind us with a single click. Confused Noah, goes back to the door and bangs on it with his fists.
"Tris! This isn't funny! Let me out!" He calls out and I stood back, stunned that Tris would do this to us.
"Not until you two talk!" He calls back and Noah tries the doorknob but it didn't take an idiot to know that of course Tris would lock us in.
"FUCK!" Noah gives the door a hard kick and looks back at me.
"Hey, maybe if we rush at it together we can break down the door," He suggests but I shrug it off, walking over to the small leather couch and just sitting down.
"What are you doing? Don't you have work to do? Or are you in on this bullshit with him?" Noah spits out and I shrug again, uncaring as I stared at the rows of books that Tris separated by color.
"I'm not in on this with him, but he's not wrong. We do need to talk I guess," I point out as I sink into the leather, wishing it could suck me in like a black hole to take me away from here.
I rubbed my wrist where the fresh cut was still bleeding and pinched it just to bring me a little bit of numbed emotion to my fading heart. But as soon as I do Noah turns on his heels confused. He doesn't love me anyway so it's not like he can feel my pain anymore.
"How did you hurt yourself? I can smell your blood from here," He mentions and I just stare straight ahead.
"Must have snagged my wrist on the way up on something," I quickly make up some kind of excuse and he nods. Finally pulling away from the door, he falls onto the couch beside me. Huddling to the opposite side as closely as he could as if I was going to hurt him.
When really, I should be the one afraid.
"What should we talk about? The fucking weather? I don't understand," He grumbles under his breath. I toy with my fingers, tracing my engagement ring to Tristan, knowing I'm never going to have one from Noah again. I don't deserve it anyway.
"I dunno Noah, how have you been?" I ask and he burst out laughing,
"How have I been? Well I'd be better if I wasn't locked in a room for no reason," He huffed and I bit my lip.
"Is it really that bad? Can you really not bear the thought of even sitting next to me?" I whispered, hoping he wouldn't hear it but he does. Suddenly his anger cools to nothing as he turns and faces me.
"Mason, you know I love you, but this is a little too extra. Even for Tristan." he says and I look down at my brown leather boots. Tracing the little lines and scratches with my eyes.
"Do you still love me?" I ask and I hear his breathing stop short for a second.
"Of course I do, how could you even question that?" He turns it around on me like it's my fault.
"Your right, how could I? How could I question your love for me when you can't even look at me? you don't say hi to me nevermind calls me anything other than my first name," I say without a hint of emotion. I had run out of tears awhile ago so now I just sit with the pain settled at the pit of my heart.
"It's not your fault," he's like the third person to tell me that today and I'm sick and tired of the same old excuse.
"If it really wasn't my fault you wouldn't be treating Tristan like he's fucking angel mate and me like I'm just the trash you're stuck with," I confess without a filter because I'm physically too exhausted to hold back anymore.
"You don't understand. It's hard to explain," he says and now I dart my gaze towards him.
"Then explain, make me understand. Apparently I have all day thanks to Tristan," I point to the locked door and Noah lets out a long sigh. Closing his eyes as he tilts his head back on the head of the couch.
I let the silence stary between us and went back to rubbing my sore wrists.
"Where did you get hurt?" Noah asks and his hand comes over to mine but I yank my wrists back.
"It's nothing," I tell him, screaming in pain when he yanks my wrists towards his lap and pulls at the buttons of my dress shirt. Unveiling just how much pain he had caused me as I turned away from him out of shame.
"Baby," He slowly traces his fingers over the small cuts and stands up, walking over to the adjoining bathroom and coming back with a wet hand towel.
"This might sting a little baby, but you'll be okay," He hushed me with a single finger to my lips. Not wanting me to saw a word as he got down on his knees in front of me and started running the cool cloth over the bloodied skin. It didn't hurt as much as I thought it would with his gentle touch taking care of me in a way I hadn't seen in a month.
So maybe I was wrong.
Maybe he still loves me after all.
"Did you do this because of me?" He asks but I didn't answer. I would never purposefully put that guilt on my mate.
"I've had a lot on my mind and couldn't make sense of things anymore," I tried to explain without including him, but I know he can see right through my lies.
Another silence comes between us as he slowly rubs my wrists clean and lays a small kiss on the back of my hand. Slowly rubbing the cuts clean with one hand while laying a comforting hand on my knee with the other.
"Do you remember the night I left for California?" He asks and I nod with a small gulp. I remember him being all over me right before he left and it was a beautiful time I wish I could go back to. A time before all of this happened.
"I was pregnant Mason," He says and I have to catch my breath. The pregnancy hits me first followed by the fact he said it in past tense.
"The night before my father's wedding, an old acquaintance of mine from high school drugged me and tried to do all these...sexual things to me." He pauses and I quietly wait for him to continue. Taking in every word he says with all seriousness.
"I fought him the best I could, but then in the scuffle he managed to get a few good hits in and I couldn't protect them, Mase. I couldn't protect our baby and I'm sorry. That's why I can't look at you. All I think about is the baby we could have had and the fact I could be pregnant with Tris right now but I couldn't protect the little life you gave me," Noah finally confesses and I could see the weight being lifted off his shoulders.
I reached out, grabbing Noah from the floor as he finishes my wrists and I pull him close. Noah doesn't put up a fight as he snuggles up on my lap and buries his head in my strong shoulder.
"I'm sorry," He repeats over and over again as I squeeze him so tightly that I'm pretty sure he's having a hard time breathing. My own heartbroken all over again but for an entirely different reason.
"It's okay baby, I'm right here,"
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I do not endorse self harm.
As a past self-harm user, it is not healthy and there are better coping mechanisms.
k, Ima play skyrim now