All day I haven't stopped thinking about Mrs. Chou. I knew that I needed to talk to her, but I wasn't sure on how to approach her because honestly I was scared shitless from what might happen.
It was the class before my last class, which was art and I was growing nervous but I needed to just chill out because I won't get anything done if I'm a nervous wreck. I need to approach her calmly and not have my heart racing a thousand miles per hour.
The bell rung and I quickly got out of class and ran down the hall to find Hanbin. I'm sure he's still freaking out from when I told him this morning about Mrs. Chou and I kiss. He's such an idiot and he embarrasses me to the max.
I spotted him and ran to him. He smiled at me as I approached him, "Hey, beautiful, ready for art?" he wiggled his eyebrows and I groaned. He chuckled, "You get to see you lover," he sang in a catchy tune but I just groaned more and he started laughing.
"She's not my lover," I wish though. I wish for her to be mine everyday, but I know that will not ever happen.
"Whatever you say," he slung his arm around my shoulder and we both walked to class together. As we started nearing the classroom, I started getting nervous. I kept wiping my hands on my pants and Hanbin was laughing at me. "Chill. Stop being so nervous," if only he knew that was harder than it seems.
We walked into the classroom and I started looking around for Mrs. Chou, but she wasn't at her desk. I looked around more, but she wasn't anywhere in the room.
We sat down at our canvas and I started worrying because I didn't see her. She had to be here, right? She needed to be here. I don't know what I'll do if she's not here, because I needed to talk to her more than anything.
The minutes ticked by, and still no sign of her. I guess she didn't come after all. I don't blame her though because of what I did yesterday, she probably never wanted to see me ever again. I mean, why else would she tell the Principal that she couldn't drive me anymore?
Matt leaned to me, "Where's Mrs. Chou?" I looked at him and shrugged. How the hell do I know? "You're suppose to keep track of her," I rolled my eyes as he chuckled.
He's an idiot.
Just then.
Mrs. Chou came walking in with a smile on her face. I watched as she went to her desk then laid some papers down and came to the front of the class.
"Sorry I'm late. We will just have free time today," everyone cheered and I sat there, staring at her. She went back to her desk and sat down and I noticed that she wasn't in a bad mood or showing any signs of her pissed off.
Maybe that's a good thing.
I needed to talk to her though and honestly, I don't think I'll be able to wait until class ends. It might not be the best idea to bring that certain conversation up in front of everyone, but I'll have to find a way to be discrete about it.
I looked over at Hanbin and he was drawing something on his canvas. It was hard to tell what it was, but he was concentrated on it, so I wasn't about to bother him. I left him there as I stood up and slowly made my way to the front of the classroom.
I never took my eyes off of Mrs. Chou as I was approaching her desk. She hasn't seen me yet, so I was still in the clear. I felt myself start growing nervous and I tried taking slow deep breaths, but for some reason that was making me more nervous.
I stopped at her desk and she was looking down at some papers. I stood there for a few seconds until she finally noticed someone was standing in front of her, so she looked up.
When our eyes met, I saw something in them and I knew that I shouldn't have done what I done. I wish I could go back and undo it, but seeing as that is impossible, I'm stuck having my teacher, that I adore so much, hate me for the rest of my life.
"Can I help you, Sana?" she never took her eyes off of me as I was standing there and she was staring at me.
"Um, yeah," I took a deep breath, "I wanted to talk to you about yesterday," her eyes shot around me as quickly as they possibly could when I said that. When her eyes found me again, my whole body froze.
"Now is not the time, nor place," she watched me as I just stood there. I didn't want to have to wait, because honestly, it was killing me inside.
I shook my head, "I need to talk to you now," I watched as she scanned the room for a moment. When her eyes met mine, I knew she wasn't going to soften up.
She sighed, "Stay after class," I felt myself being about to breathe again. Although I didn't like the idea of waiting, I was happy that she actually agreed with it.
I nodded then walked back to my chair. I sat down and that's when something caught my eye on Hanbin's canvas. I looked over and my eyes widen at what he drew.
Me.
It was me! Why the hell did he draw me?
I looked at him as he smiled at me. "Do you like it?" I nodded as I was lost in the drawing. It was absolutely amazing and I couldn't believe how perfect it was. It looked just like me in every way. "I figured you could give it to Mrs. Chou," I rolled my eyes and he chuckled. "I'm being serious,"
"Well don't. Mrs. Chouis nothing more than my teacher," which was true even though I hate that it was. We will never be anything more. That's just how it is.
"You never know," I looked at him as he was staring at me in all seriousness. "You don't know what the future holds, and she's not with her husband anymore," I wish he could understand.
"Even if all that is true, she's still my teacher,"
"Which isn't a problem,"
"Yeah, but she's five years older than me," he really didn't forget that, did he? She's twenty-five and I'm twenty. I'm pretty sure there's a law about that kind of shit.
"Age is but a number," he raised his eyebrows at me and I rolled my eyes.
"Jail, dude, jail," seriously, did he miss that? She could lose her job and end up in jail for dating a minor. He's such an idiot.
He sighed and shook his head, "True love can overcome any obstacles, you know?" I stared at him as he looked at his canvas. I didn't understand how he could be smart one minute, then dumb the next.
I decided to ignore him the rest of the class. I wasn't in the mood to be hearing what he has to say about me and her, because as the time got closer for the class to end, I was becoming more nervous.
The bell finally rung and I was panicking now. I watched as Hanbin got up, and I stopped him. "I'm staying after class for a few minutes, please wait for me outside," he nodded and didn't ask me any questions as he got his stuff then walked out.
I watched as the last student left and I stood up and made my way to the front of the class where Mrs. Chou desk was. I stared at her as I was approaching and that's when she looked at me. I stood in front of her desk and waited for her to speak.
She sighed, "What did you want to talk about?"
"Yesterday," it was obvious really, and I thought I already told her.
"Right," she ran her hand through her hair and I was mesmerized. "Ok, so I wanted to also talk to you about it," I nodded as I watched her. "I don't understand why you did that to begin with,"
because I adore you. "It wasn't an action that you should have took because I'm your teacher," oh God. "I don't appreciate being used like that," ok, what? Used?
"What do you mean?" I didn't understand what she was saying. It didn't make any sense from what came out of her mouth. "I didn't use you, and I don't know what you mean by that,"
She stared at me for a moment, "Sana, I was twenty before and I know about experiencing with things that you never did but-"
"Ok, whoa," she needed to stop right there. "I wasn't experiencing with anything," she raised an eyebrow and I knew that this was the time to tell her everything. "Mrs. Chou," she stared at me, waiting for me to continue. But I don't think I can continue. I can't bring myself to tell her those words that I kept to myself for all of these years.
"I like you,"
She stared at me and I knew that I needed to continue, "I don't just like you as a teacher, I like you more. I adore you in everyday and I think about you daily. I know that it's crazy and a little insane to be thinking about you that way, but it's the truth and I think it's time for you to know. I can't keep this to myself anymore because it's killing me, and I just hope that you can understand," I let a breath out as I stood there in front of her.
I can't believe I just did that.
She kept staring at me and I was hoping she would hurry and say something before I pass out. She seemed to be thinking about something as she was looking at me.
"Sana," I felt my heart start beating against my chest and I was afraid that it would rip open my rib-cage. "What you just said was sweet," I smiled but she looked to be serious. "But I don't think- no, I know that you shouldn't be thinking about me in any way other than a teacher. I don't think we should have any more contact whatsoever except for school," I felt my heart being ripped from my chest.
She got up and started grabbing her things and I stood there watching her, feeling lifeless. I didn't know what to do or say as I couldn't move anything in my body.
She looked at me once more before she walked to the door and left. I couldn't hardly breathe as I just stood there and tried to understand what just happened.
I told her everything and she denied me.
I should have known though. I should of knew that this would happen when I told her. She wants nothing to do with me anymore and it's crushing my heart.
My backpack caught my eye as I seen it laying on the floor next to her desk. I sighed then picked it up and swung it over my shoulder. I tried to ignore the pain that was inside of my heart, but it could not be ignored.
I made my way out of the school and to the parking lot. I saw Hanbin as he was standing next to his car. I approached him and he looked at me. "I just seen Mrs. Chou walk out," I nodded as I laid my backpack in his front seat. "I also heard that a teacher was supposed to take you home," I looked at him and shrugged. I honestly didn't care anymore.
"You're taking me home," he didn't ask anymore questions as we got in his car and left. I didn't feel like talking on the way, so he didn't argue.
I told him to drop me off at my house and he can come to pick me up tomorrow morning. I told him that if I felt like going or not and he understood, which I'm glad because I didn't want to have to explain.
He pulled in my driveway and I told him goodbye as I got out and walked to the front door.
For once, I wasn't afraid of what was behind it either. I knew that something was coming and I was ready for it.
I watched as Hanbin left then I unlocked the door and walked inside. I went straight upstairs after I didn't see anybody in the living, and went to my room. I shut the door and laid on my bed. I didn't cry because I knew that it was useless.
I laid in bed for a few minutes until I heard my door swing open and hit the wall. I looked over to see Yoona standing there and I knew what was about to happen.
It always happens, right?
"What are you doing?" she came into my room and I watched her.
"I'm laying in bed," it was obvious.
"Don't get smart with me," she came over to my bed and looked down at me.
I looked up at her, "I wasn't. I was answering your question,"
She stared at me for a moment and I was wondering what was going on inside her head. She shook her head then walked out and I laid there, confused.
She didn't hit me.
She didn't do anything. She didn't yell or beat me, what the hell? I didn't question it any further, I was just happy nothing bad happened because I couldn't handle anything else.
I laid there until sleep took over.