The inside of Rosanna's cheeks were almost torn raw from how hard she had been biting on them. Her teeth only finding comfort in chewing her own flesh to keep her nerves in check. Where she would usually have music playing, she now drove in silence. Not even the hum of an alternative radio station could put her mind at ease. She was rethinking everything. Her hair, her outfit, her shoes, the brand of lipstick she was wearing, her intentions, the outcome... She'd never felt this way before about seeing someone she was already close with.
Alex's address wasn't far away but she made an effort of taking the longest route possible so that she could hide herself more time to overthink. Dinner sounded perfectly doable until now.
Why are you nervous? She asked herself. Honestly Ro, why on earth are you nervous? It's Alex. Was she mistaking her excitement for worry? Or maybe she really was worried: about the fact that she would have to make a decision that night. Stop getting ahead of yourself and just enjoy the night. He's not gonna be in town much longer.
Before she knew it, she was sitting in a guest parking bay at the address he had given her.
"Fuck," she said to herself and found her gripping her steering wheel until it was white. "Why are you fucking nervous?" she groaned and pulled the rear view mirror so she could see herself and hastily fixed her bangs and how they sat around her face. Do you think he actually likes the bangs or did he just say that to make you happy? She let out an audible sigh and turned off her car engine and grabbed her bag from the passenger's side.
Why does it seem so hard to do something you used to do all the time when it's been so long since you've done it?
She stepped out the car before her thoughts could consume her anymore and made her way into the building.
The next thing she knew she was facing the cream colour of Alex's apartment door in a state of paralysis. Why are you so nervous? She demanded internally. She must've looked ridiculous to anyone who passed her; standing two feet from the door, looking at his head on and not moving an inch. She wondered if Alex was nervous too or if there was no excuse or explanation for her emotions.
She inhaled a sharp breath and knocked three times on the door. Within seconds, it was opened from the other side and she was met with Alex's flustered face. So he is nervous too.
He cleared his throat, "If it smells carcinogenic in here I burnt some bread about a half hour ago."
Rosanna hovered around Alex's kitchen as he finished up cooking the dinner he'd prepared and spent the entire day trying to perfect.
"Do you want a hand?" Rosanna asked.
"Nah, nah. You just sit at the table love, I'm almost done," Alex said, grabbing out two plates.
"You sure?" Rosanna smirked teasingly.
Alex let out a chuckle, "I'm on the home stretch, I don't think I can possible burn anything else." Knowing Alex wanted the self-accomplishment of making the whole meal himself and serving it to her, Rosanna sat down at his dining table and patiently waited as Alex plated up dinner. He'd set it up all fancy and had a set of freshly bought candles lighting up the centre of the table.
"Oh I brought this as well," Rosanna said as she lifted a bottle of tequila out of her bag.
Alex looked over his shoulder at her from the kitchen and stifled a laugh. "Tequila?"
"Not to drink on it's own," Rosanna said and placed it on the table before her. "But you know I hate wine so this was my alternative." The corners of Alex's eyes wrinkled slightly as he smiled at her gesture, tea towel over his shoulder. "I dunno, you can make it in to all yer famous cocktails," Rosanna shrugged.
"Will do," Alex smiled in a way that made Rosanna feel warm and fuzzy inside the way a good love ballad does at sunset.
A smile made its way to her cheeks as Alex walked over with two plates topped with a cheeseburger and homemade chips each.
"Matt's recipe," Alex smiled as he gently placed the better looking plate of the two in front of Rosanna. "Cause I know it's yer favourite."
Rosanna grinned and tucked her hair behind her ears as Alex sat down across from her with his own plate. He always remembered the small details that even she herself had forgotten about herself.
"Now, before you taste it and be absolutely disappointed," Alex said as he sat down, "it's gonna be no where near as good as Matt's but I did try."
"I know you did," Rosanna smiled and shuffled her seat forward, feeling her foot graze by Alex's leg. They both looked up and locked eyes at the brief contact.
"Well, uh," Alex looked at the table like he had no idea what to do and so looked to Rosanna. "Bon appétit?" he smiled sheepishly.
Rosanna chuckled and dug into her food as Alex just watched and waited for her critique.
"What are you just gonna watch me?" Rosanna asked right before taking a bite of the burger Alex prepared.
He blinked a couple of times to regain his composure and apologised. "Right, sorry. I'm sorry if it's shite."
Rosanna rolled her eyes and bit into the burger, brushing her foot against Alex's leg once again this time, deliberately. She looked up and saw Alex still staring at her and covered her face.
"Alex," she laughed, trying to finish her mouthful. "Stop fucken watching me."
"I'm sorry," Alex said and nervously ran his fingers through his hair.
"It's good," Rosanna said once she had swallowed. She had sauce on her chin that made her look all the more adorable to Alex who, despite being told off, still would not take his eyes off her. His expression showed how much that one bite meant to him like he was an open book.
"It is!" Rosanna laughed after Alex gave her an unsure look. He felt her hook both her legs around one of his in a move of affection that made the corner of Alex's lips tilt upwards. "How's studio stuff?"
"Aight," Alex nodded and rocked their legs side to side under the table.
"That's it?" Rosanna said.
He chuckled in response, "sorry. Yeah it's been good. Written a bit more with the guys and got a few instrumental patterns but its all still in the works."
"What's the sound this time?" she inquired.
"If it were a drink, 'AM' would be a shot and this one would be whisky," Alex said.
"That yer way of telling me to wait and see?" Rosanna said and cocked one of her eyebrows at him.
Alex smiled up at her, "maybe."
Insisting on helping him, Rosanna and Alex squeezed into his kitchen washing up the dishes after they'd eaten. It was nowhere near as big as the kitchen they used to share in Los Angeles but reminded them of it either way. The casual brushing passed each other, weaving between each other's limbs to grab bits and pieces off counter tops and dish racks. Childish giggles when bumping into one another. But most of all, one of them rinsing off the dishes in the sink whilst the other crept up behind them and slithered their arms around the other's waist.
This time it was Rosanna with her hands under the running tap as Alex crept his hands around her from behind. The warmth of his back pressing against hers sent a shot of serenity through her viens. It all felt so right. To have him so close, holding her so close their breathing matched up and their hearts beat at the same time.
"The love of me life" he once called her. It was a phrase impossible for her to forget. Of all the confessions and nicknames, that was the one she held onto even after all those years. As Alex squeezed her gently and nuzzled his chin onto her shoulder she wondered if she would ever be that to him again.
"Hello stranger," Rosanna hummed at Alex's presence.
"Is this okay?" He asked, his voice loud in her left ear.
Rosanna smiled and sunk back into his embrace. "Course it is."
Alex grinned and hugged her waist tighter as she continued washing the remaining dishes. An inviting chill crept over Rosanna's skin as she felt the familiar sensation of Alex's lips grazing over her neck.
"Is this?" he mumbled against her skin sending vibrations through her entire body.
Rosanna closed her eyes briefly as she felt him plant soft kisses all over her nape. Her stomach tightened at his touch and her breathing hitched ever so slightly. She moved one of her hands to his clasped around her stomach and gently intertwined their fingers, letting the soapy water from her's seep into the cracks of Alex's.
She hummed as he made his way up to her ear and turned to look at him, her nose brushing against his. His breath tickled her lips as she waited a moment, asking herself once more if she wanted the consequences of kissing him. She didn't want to lead him on or give him false hope but she wanted him more than she knew possible.
Alex noticed her hesitation and decided to give her some space. He wanted her to call the shots, not him. After all, he was the one who hurt her.
"How bout I make us some margaritas with that tequila you brought?" he said quietly, sweetly, his lips achingly close to hers. Rosanna broke a small smile and nodded. "Aight, make yerself at home," he said and slowly moved back from her, "if ya wanna put summat on the telly or the turntable be my guest."
Rosanna smiled appreciatively at him and watched as he pulled a mixer from one of his cabinets. She walked over to his conjoined living room and ran her fingertips over his small record collection.
"Yeah, sorry there isn't much," Alex said from the kitchen, "most of me stuff's in the house back in LA."
"Still got our collection?" Rosanna smiled and pulled out a record.
'Our' collection, Alex had to stop himself from lingering on those two words. That's right darling, he said internally as he pulled out a like squeezer, our collection, the one we shared and built up together.
"Yeah," is all Alex said out loud. "Yours looks the best in there," he looked over at her and smiled.
Rosanna let out a flattered laugh, "oh shut up." She bit back a smile and placed the black record on Alex's expensive turntable, gently resting the needle on top. Her fingertips lingered on the edges of the turntable, her eyes glued to the record as it spun round and round.
"Close yer eyes," Alex said excitedly and took Rosanna's hands, leading her through their house.
"What are you gonna murder me?" Rosanna giggled and squeezed his hands as she stepped tentatively after him.
"No sweetheart," Alex chuckled lightly and walked by her side, guiding her around the various boxes dotting their fairly empty house. "Alright...open."
Rosanna slowly opened her eyes and before her was a beautiful wood cabinet, decorated with intricate designs, built in speakers and an empty shelf awaiting stacks of records to fill it out. Atop it sat a ruby red record player, eager for its first play.
"Alex..." Rosanna said quietly and brought a hand to her mouth. She looked over at him and saw him beaming.
"Y' know...cause red's yer favourite colour and all...it's me housewarming gift to ya," he said softly. "D'ya like it?"
Rosanna laughed, "like it? I love it," she tossed her arms around him and kissed him hard, giddy with excitement. Alex chuckled and hugged her tightly as she kissed him over and over. "I love you so much."
Snapping back into reality, Rosanna retracted her fingers from the base of the record player and turned up the volume on his speakers to drown out the past. 'Is This It' by The Strokes began echoing throughout Alex's apartment. Her song choice made him smile as he shook up the mixer.
Alex began humming quietly along to himself as he grabbed out two glasses to fill. Her ears catching onto his soft voice led Rosanna back to the kitchen, hiding a smile at the memory of the days Alex would wake up early and make her breakfast as he sang and danced awkwardly in the kitchen.
Alex fingered the small dial on the turntable, lowering the volume of the music to white noise as he and Rosanna made themselves comfortable on his settee, margaritas in hand. They sat across from each other, Rosanna's legs tucked up by her hips as she rested on her side against the back rest; giving Alex her full attention. There was no difficulty striking up conversation. They would talk for hours and hours and never miss a beat. The night was no competition.
Both of them found it hard to look at the other's eyes when telling a story. Whenever they did, they found themselves tumbling down the rabbit hole, falling deeper and deeper in love with the person they lost. The way Alex told stories like they were the most magnificent adventures made it difficult for Rosanna not to be entirely captivated by him. Like the world around her was dissolving away whenever she looked at him.
"Remember that time we were riding the subway and I got a really bad nose bleed?" Alex said.
Rosanna laughed, "yeah and no body had tissues or anything so I gave you a tampon to stick up there till we got to the next stop?"
Alex chuckled, "not me proudest moment but I were very grateful for the gesture."
"Weren't that the night I was working at the bar and you came in and managed to weasel me out of a night owl shift cause you wanted me to come along on yer night out?" Rosanna recalled.
"Yeah you were me favourite person," Alex said. "Didn't really fancy hanging out with anyone else."
Rosanna smiled. "I just remember coming back on the train and you tapping my shoulder and saying 'Ro I have a little problem'. And I look over and what do I see? A fucking crime scene." Alex burst into hearty laughter. "Got blood all down yer shirt and all over your hands I almost shat myself when I saw you."
"Yeah I don't remember how it started just that I smelt summat funny and next thing I know I've got a tampon up me nostril," Alex said.
"What was wrong with us?" Rosanna laughed. She sat upright her knee moving to sit on top of the one leg Alex had resting on the settee, "remember that night, I think it were after you all came back from touring in like two-thousand and eight, and we all went to one of the pubs in High Green and you got so drunk you couldn't walk so I offered you a piggy-back and we fell into a bush?"
Alex chuckled, "I definitely remember pulling thorns out me ass and sticks out me hair." He smiled at her and rested a hand on the knee of hers that was sitting on top of his leg.
Rosanna chuckled, "when we woke up to tattoos after our last night in Sheffield."
Alex chuckled and looked down at the tattoo on his arm. "We're very good at making bad decisions together. And I never end up regretting them."
"Remember our first date?" Rosanna said quietly, resting her head on the settee cushions.
"Course I do," Alex smiled softly. One of Rosanna's hands travelled to her knee, her fingertips brushing over Alex's knuckles and grazing the veins on the back of his hand.
"When you told me the stars reminded you of me," Rosanna said and looked up at him, "that's when I fell in love with you." Alex's heart skipped a beat. "I've always loved you but in that moment I fell in love with you."
Her eyes travelled back down to their hands. She was playing with his fingers as if debating whether to interlock hers with his or not. "Then I fell in love with you again...but this time was when I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you."
Alex swallowed the lump in his throat and chewed on the inside of his cheek.
A small smile broke on her lips, "you woke me up one morning and asked me if I knew where your razor was."
"That's the moment?" Alex blurted out, surprised.
Rosanna stifled a laugh, "yup." Alex didn't even remember that day specifically. In fact, it was something he never thought she'd ever retain. "In that moment I just knew that I wanted to help you find your razor whenever you lost it and anything else that you needed help finding for the rest of my life."
Alex didn't know what to say. He just sat there, stunned. It never really occurred to him until then that people fell in love silently. Like love was sealed in a bottle with a twist off cap that slowly came undone but by bit. No hiss and pop like a champagne bottle, catching everyone's attention. It was slow and silent, for only one at a time to taste in the peace and quiet of their own mind.
Rosanna almost gave up on the idea of Alex responding when his tender voice spoke out: "I fell in love with you right before our very first kiss." Their brown eyes met from their places at each end of the settee. "When you were combin' me hair," he added.
"Why?" Rosanna asked quietly.
She felt Alex slip his hand into hers and welcomed it by interlocking their fingers.
"I just knew," Alex said honestly. "And then again, we were on tour and you were brushin' yer teeth over the sink and you laughed at summat you remembered and got toothpaste all over your chin and on the bottom of yer nose. And when you kissed me later you tasted like spearmint."
Rosanna let out a laugh to hide her heartache, squeezing his hand for a moment. "You weren't grossed out?"
Alex smiled and shook his head, "well there weren't any toothpaste left were there? Just it's ghost."
Rosanna smiled at his diction and was reminded of why she loved him once more.
The two of them stood at Alex's door, Rosanna's bag over her shoulder.
"Tonight was beautiful," she said and looked up at him, they were about twelve inches apart.
"Hope the food and the company weren't too terrible," Alex smiled.
"The food was good," Rosanna shrugged.
"Hey!" Alex chuckled.
"...and the company was great," she finally added. she reached a hand up to his face and tucked one of the long strands of his hair behind his ear. His eyes were twinkling like a kaleidoscope in the dim light of his apartment. There was a record spinning in the background. "I love you Alex," she exhaled and bit her lip. "You're the only person that helps me make sense of the world."
"I love you too," he said and squeezed her hand. "I haven't stopped."
"I know what I want now," Rosanna said and rested her hand on his neck. She could feel his pulse quicken as she moved slightly closer to him. "I want you Al. I want us again. I want you more than anything."
"A-are you sure?" Alex asked tentatively. His heart was racing now, his mind almost dizzy that it made everything feel warped and surreal.
"Of course I'm sure," Rosanna said softly and smiled up at him. She moved closer so that the tips of their noses were grazing, his breath hot on her lips. She looked deep into those dark brown eyes she fell in love with that told her a million stories, lit up with excitement when he told her about his dreams and sparkled when he wrote songs. "I want to wake up to you. I wanna dance with you in the living room to old records and watch you play ballads on the settee. I wanna hear you waffle on about martial arts or whatever the hell interests your muddled mind each day. I want you to tell me about all your dreams and laugh and joke around with you like we did when we were younger."
Alex broke a soft smile and felt all the jigsaw puzzles in his life slowly find their place together.
Rosanna cupped his cheek as he moved his arms around her waist. Her eyes travelled from his lips to his eyes. "If you still want this—"
"I do," Alex said without hesitation.
Rosanna smiled, "we're gonna make this work."