Review of Sakura Eyes by @naeomiiii
This work has quite a bit of promise, especially considering the first chapter, some reviewers believed that story has good context and good environmental descriptions. . The story started out strong with great scene setting, though there were a couple awkward sentences, it was the best edited chapter and really set a decent tone. The read was a good start and had reviewers excited to read the rest of the book. However, the writing has issues with maturity that prevent the writing and plot from being compelling, despite the world-building and overall theme of the piece being incredibly imaginative.
Grammar, Syntax, and General Editing
The editing and grammar of this story show a consistent requirement for the writer to go back through the work with a fresh mind or request help from someone else to edit. Without the corrections, it's a jarring read that comes off as rushed and half finished. Grammatical errors, word choice issues, and general over-wordiness detract from what could be an otherwise airy, charmed fable.
Editing became extremely problematic by the third chapter, with the author making errors in shifting tenses and making wrong word choices like writing "pass" rather than "past" or "drugging" rather than "dragging." Reviewers also noted that there were narrative and tense switches throughout the story, from the first chapter switch from a narrator to first person, to the third person from first person switch in the sword training montage. Because this story is written from the MC's first-person perspective, it is unlikely that she would know what Justin sensed. She can only narrate what she observes, and one cannot observe what another person senses. That is the limitation of first-person narrative. These changes interrupt the flow of the story and show a lack of consistency and editing in the overall story voice.
The author uses sayings and words incorrectly ( "underwhelming" - should be "overwhelming"; "made way from" -should be "made way for" as examples.) Also, descriptions were at times awkward ie blue dark instead of dark blue. These are simple errors but ones that stand out while reading. Other examples include 'I felt like this boy has seen' should change to 'had seen'; 'Brown, falling village house', where falling is the right idea but wrong word; 'This man was obviously a scam.' It's little errors like that that add up and need to be read out loud to catch sometimes. There are also some awkward phrases such as "greatly resembled." "Closely resembled" might work better here.
Plot, Narrative, and Tone
Some reviewers found that the plot had the makings of a good yarn, finding it ambitious and intriguing. It contained action, adventure, hints of magic and hidden identities all applied to build up the interest in the tale. But they found that the story was bogged down by an inordinate focus on daily village existence, the tedium of trying on clothes, the misery of eating disliked food. It's a simple story that needs a strong, complex and surprising main character. Other reviewers found the fact that the main character is just along for the ride in her own story seemed to wear down the narrative.
The MCs hyper-dependence on the males around her is off-putting, as was her constant passing out throughout the story. Furthermore, more reviewers found that the romance element was underdeveloped. In the grand scheme of things, she barely knows Justin. It left some readers wondering, why does she cling to him, and the other two boys for that matter, and put all her trust in them?
More reviewers found trouble with action scenes. Things "suddenly" happen and we lack the detail found in the early scene descriptions. It leaves the story off balance, as the reader is jerked through action scenes that are flat and one dimensional and lacking even basic information. The story has a plot that promises to have a great deal going on, driven by excitement and action, but the delivery of these scenes needs more detail and polish. It is suggested that the writer read some action filled fantasy before starting to write action scenes, to see how to get through these things if it is something they are interested in. Writers such as R.A. Salvatore have martial arts experience and write flowing, breathtaking action that could provide some inspiration or instruction on a fully developed scene.
Other reviewers suggested reducing the action scenes completely in favour for the flowing descriptions we were treated to at the beginning of the story. The best scene was the opener at the market. We were given sights, smells, and eventually personally feelings that added up to a rounded scene that took time to established a responsible sister relationship. After that scene readers get fewer descriptions and details and are expected to follow loose histories that are thrown at us. The writer should take their time and try to fully think of what the readers are taking from what's presented and what we could use to make our inferences about what's next.
Miscellaneous Issues and Flow
Reviewers found the author's notes are distracting, and it's probably not necessary to list the copyright restrictions for the images, especially for those from Wikimedia which is a public domain image repository.
Back on the topic of POVs and descriptions, another reviewer noted that when writing in first person POV you can't mention something that "you" or the character don't actually notice. The purple eyes at the end of the first chapter "I didn't notice it at the time,'' doesn't make narrative sense . A third person POV could solve a fair bit of the issues, but first person is often considered an easier POV for writers to use, though it has its obvious limitations (as noted previously).
One reviewer noted that Sakura Eyes is a young person's fantasy story with a fairytale-like charm to it and cautioned that it was a good start to the writing process, which we should not neglect to mention. The story has a formulaic opening evocative of many fairy tales, and the writer keeps to that formula. The writing itself is casual, though at times it reaches a more advanced level. Things are portrayed in a simplistic, straightforward manner, though not without attention to detail. The town bustles with Disneyesque merriment, though the main characters sense danger around every corner.
Reviewers felt as if a great deal happens at the end of chapter 2 that was highly confusing (see the notes on the action scenes above). The writer could benefit from slowing down and writing out longer descriptions that show more details instead of information. The author misses great opportunities to be descriptive versus telling in some situations. One example noted was the mentioning of the sedative. How did she know it was a sedative? Describing to the reader the smell of the medicinal scents or the odd aftertaste left, going more into it, would be better than the mention in chapter 3 that it gets.The talent for details from earlier scene description could be used throughout the action aspects to give readers ideas instead of generalizations. ( big scary men in black, black what? Black, flowing robes with the imperial insignia perhaps?) Little things can be added or changed to show emphasis on what the writer wants the readers to know and infer. Instead it comes off as highly chaotic and lost in a myriad of strung along words.
However, reviewers caution that, the author has a tendency to over-use adjectives to the point that it makes their writing unwieldy. For instance, take this example sentence from chapter two, "Out of the bright colors people were wearing, I could spot tall men in black clothes standing out from the colorful crowd." There are so many adjectives and a repeat of the word "color"that it makes the sentences un-impactful . To rectify this issue, the author could write something like, "Several tall men in black clothing stood out from the crowd which formed a sea of colors." This is just an example, of course, but readers can see how the sample correction is much shorter, yet just as impactful.
Here's another example of wordiness from chapter three, "Opening my eyes, the first thing my eyes made out was a blurry face hovering over me." A much better way to say this would be something like, "When I opened my eyes, the first thing I saw was a blurry face hovering over me."
More of the descriptions seem unnecessary, but some reviewers believed that it fit with the carefree tone and simplistic nature of the story. While this style does remind one of a simpler time and the imaginary adventures lived out in childhood, it begins to wear a bit on the reader's patience.
Clarity, Characterization, and Dialogue
The characters of Sakura Eyes are as simple as the tale requires to some reviewers, though it left others requiring more depth to them to allow the story to take proper shape. Many noted that Characterization is there, but it fell flat.
The main character is not named. Her sister May simply calls her 'Sis,' and the closest her mother (also unnamed) comes to naming her is 'Young Lady." Later she is called 'Miss.' For a story that has so many other details and names, the lack of attention to the character's identity is rather unsatisfying. Reviewers wondered if the main character's name was "Sis" or do readers not know the name for literary effect? It seems more like an oversight than a conscious choice, or a pointless game of keep-away. It should also be noted that mirror descriptions are weak ways to employ self descriptions. The writer should try to have other describe the MC or use things like comparisons to describe the MC over time.
Aside from name issues, the main character's younger sister is portrayed as a classic happy-go-lucky toddler, that is until later on it's revealed that she is actually twelve years old. For a 12 year old, reviewers found May to be unrealistically childish. May is supposed to be the cute little sister, but as a twelve-year-old, she reads as bratty with her constant demands and selfishness. She needs an upgrade in maturity or to be younger, to become more believable as a character. Some reviewers suggested that, perhaps the character was written to be a 7 year old during the first chapter, but then was changed to be older for other parts that come later.
Little can be said of the main character, other than that she resents having to look after her childish sister, hates the food that her mother provides, and just seems 'different' than the rest. It was originally uplifting to see a girl not obsessed with dresses, then chapter 3 comes along and she has a "spoiled princess" montage that is really uncharacteristic. The MC acts spoiled, and that makes the story hard to read because she's also very opinionated. It might be better to include softer descriptions of others through the MCs eyes to make us like her more. Although she is at times sympathetic, her character just falls flat when readers try to relate to her. She really has no internal thoughts or dialogue that makes readers fall in love with her, and instead becomes a passive main character. In short, the action happens to the character and not because of the character.
This is evidenced with statements like, "I'll have you guys to protect us. There's no need for me to learn something unnecessary." Not only did this statement seem out of character considering her near-fanatical desire to protect her sister, but it's also problematic in terms of making the character seem whiny and hyper-dependent on the males around her. The 'Helpless damsel in distress who doesn't like sleeping on the ground and shrieks about ants' seems to become a fall back trope for this story that leaves a lot to be desired by way of strong character development. The main character seems aware of her unexceptional existence, but is not discontent enough to confront it or dream of any alternative. So instead of jumping at the chance for a little adventure, she is immediately fighting to keep every last shred of normalcy as soon as the action arrives. This creates a tension between the main character and the plot itself, which makes her a bit unlikable.
Character flaws are good as long as authors turn them into something redeemable. However, "Sis" gets worse, not better over the course of the first five chapters. Nevertheless, reviewers can see where the author was trying to go with this character development. The nuances of personality just aren't there yet.
The interactions and dialogue between characters are jilted and unnatural and leave a very forced feeling to everything that doesn't build reader investment. Examples are the conversations between mother and daughters, sisters and then the MC and the strangers in the woods. A notably awkward scene was the nearly teen-aged sister chewing on a leaf while they're talking about her kidnapped mother is strange and random
Consistency, Believability, and Maturity of Voice
A main character that is never named, when so many others are (the village, her sister, her aunt, three at-risk youths in the woods) can only become so believable. It's also difficult to believe that the younger sister May is really 12 years old when she acts like 2nd grader. The mother seems to have raised them the same (rather stern) way, but had completely contradictory results. On the topic of character introductions and identities, some reviewers noted that, as the story is told from the MC's first-person perspective, maybe introduce the mom as "Mom" rather than "middle-aged woman." Since this is written in first person, anything that is not dialogue are the narrator's thoughts, and narrators usually don't mentally call their mothers "middle-aged woman."
Some reviewers found the weird bedroom scene at the beginning as off putting. Presumably meant to set up for some of the hidden past that will resurface in the story, the believability of Mom forcing them to have a weird sensation before going to sleep read as abuse to some and downright odd to other sits very strangely to the reader.If the author intends it to be perceived as magic or at least not sexually abusive, they might want to edit the part again. Additionally, as the MC is 18 and shows some independence of thought, her discomfort toward the situation sat awkwardly ( note that realistically this should have become so routine and not notable after a life of not knowing any different). This is a great opportunity for character development and more interaction with the mother, showing interpersonal conflict and plot development.
Other issues in the narrative include such details as the story claiming that May has light brown hair. Then, the author makes the distinction that the MC has light brown hair while May and their mom has dark brown hair. Believability wise, some reviewers for it to be a bit contrived that the MC's mom didn't notice the rather extreme reaction of the crowd and intruders because she was too busy looking at cookies. Maybe show the mom's reaction when she finally notices the purple-eyed men.
Also, mentioning something happening "again" when it is the first time readers are introduced to it is off-putting. More effort could be used to show the build up or explain the MCs thoughts on the matter, so the word isn't even necessary. Some reviewers found that the author has difficulty with filling space. Though scene setting is nice, it was found that there were too many repeated descriptions and a lot of dead space in the story as readers were forced through descriptions of people that were long and wordy, detracting from the story. Also, the passage of time within the narrative - she wakes up, watches them get dressed and it is suddenly night? There's a whole day missing there, and though jumps are used in literature, the author seems to struggle to understand where to focus to keep reader attention..
Having an Asian setting can be lovely, and the writer has a lot of good things set for readers who may not know a lot about Asian culture to be comfortable. Personally, the non-Asian names throw me off as a reader, but that's a personal issue. It's unclear if the story takes place in a made-up location, China, Japan, or some combination of the three. The currency is the yuan which is Chinese, but Sakura is a Japanese word. The picture used in Chapter 1 shows a more European architectural style rather than East Asian. So this seems like an Asian place, although I'm very shocked that an Asian main character doesn't like fish??? Never met an Asian like that, as it is the main food staple. If it is the intent to have that background for the story, it is recommended to read other literature such as Memoirs of a Geisha, or if fantasy is preferred, Guy Gavriel Kay's two book series on imperial China (Under Heaven and River of Stars) would be a great read for reference. On Wattpad, the vampire book The Circle Girls also goes into Asian themes that could give the author more ideas for character development in that culture.
Conclusions
Some reviewers found the spirit of this adventure enjoyable, and the plot intriguing, though the execution could be improved with practice. More noted that, as a whole, the first chapter was clearly the best edited part of the story, though it also has its own issues. Putting more care into the writing and making the effort to develop characters and plot while editing for spelling, word use and other grammatical issues, before pushing chapters out is recommended.
One reviewer believed that based on the experience level of the writer, issues like this are worked out through practice and experience but they still bear repeating if the writer intends to pursue improvement and advancement within their abilities at storytelling.In short, this piece has the framework of a very compelling young adult fantasy story, yet the maturity of voice and writing style just isn't where it needs to be yet. However, these are all things the author could easily rectify with editing and practice.