Alex woke up to an unfamiliar room and a pounding headache. He shifted uncomfortably in his jeans and leather jacket as he sat up and rubbed his eyes. His memory of the night before was mush. He did remember someone escorting him to this room at some point during the night — he dreamt it was Rosanna but knew in his state of consciousness that that couldn't be true.
Pushing himself up to a seating position he stretched out his stiff back and pulled out his phone to check the time. Ten forty-three and he had a message as well. He rubbed his eyes and squinted at his screen. There was no contact name, just a number. Confused, Alex opened up the message and read what he'd been sent.
"Call me when you get home
- R"
Alex sat upright immediately, his eyes flying wide open. It had to be Rosanna. I wasn't dreaming? He questioned himself. Did she really take care of me? Holy shit I must've let her down so much. She messaged me. I can call her. She wants me to call her.
Alex felt his heart beating into his chest. He wanted to call her right then and there but knew he should wait until he was home because that's what she wanted. But holding himself back from even sending her a message was one of the toughest things he had to endure emotionally. For the first time in years, she was in reach.
He climbed out of the bed he found himself on and ran his hands down his legs, cursing internally for falling asleep in jeans yet again. He trudged over to the very large en-suite and looked at himself in the mirror.
"Fuckin 'ell," he sighed and ran his fingers through his hair. He looked like a mid-life crisis. Fuck I looked like this in front of her. He remembered throwing up and cussed again, tossing his head in his hands. You really have a talent for embarrassing yerself in front of her, don't you?
He turned the tap on and washed some cool water over his face, slapping himself awake. He tied his hair back in a very small and unsuccessful bun — only the back strands were long enough to actually remain secured — and decided it was time to make an entrance, apologise to Andrew and then get home as fast as possible to call Rosanna.
He timidly opened the guest room door and walked out into Andrew's now empty house. Praying no one else was home, Alex made his way around looking to see if Andrew was there. His nose caught a whiff of freshly brewed coffee. Following the scent, Alex found himself in Andrew's kitchen as he poured himself a mug of coffee.
"Oh, you're up," Andrew said and put the coffee pot down. "Sleep well?"
"Like a glove," Alex said and stretched his neck to the side. "Sorry bout last night."
"You weren't a hassle," Andrew said, "you were pretty tame."
"Shouldn't 'ave drank so much," Alex sighed shamefully.
"'ere have some coffee," Andrew said and poured Alex a mug. Alex downed half of it instantly and kept his hands tightly around the mug as if he was scared of dropping it. "Rosanna took good care of ya last night," Andrew said.
"It was her?" Alex asked. He just needed that second person confirmation. He was used to dreaming up realities that never existed.
"Not surprised that you don't remember," Andrew said. "Yeah, she were with you all night, cleaning out your vomit bucket and all."
"Shit," Alex sighed and ran a hand over his face. "Fuck I feel like shit."
"I mean you did drink a fair amount," Andrew said and moved over to his refrigerator.
"No not about that," Alex said, "bout Rosanna. She shouldn't have had to take care of me."
"I think she wanted to," Andrew said.
"I haven't seen her for years Andrew, and this is how we meet again," Alex sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose.
"She wants you to call her when you get home," Andrew said.
"Yeah I, uh, I got her message," Alex nodded. "Sorry bout last night, again."
"Don't sweat it," Andrew said. "Yer car's still out front by the way."
Alex thanked Andrew for letting him stay over and didn't take his time when getting into his car and driving back to his place. He couldn't remember Rosanna speaking to him and his heart was pounding at the thought of hearing her voice again.
He began to remember more and more fragments from the previous night. He remembered stumbling about the house and finding a karaoke machine. Someone speaking to him — but not their voice. He remembered Rosanna's hand on his cheek and the warmth it radiated throughout his entire body. He cursed at himself for getting so drunk. He was beyond embarrassed.
He parked his car in his parking spot and jogged up to his flat. He immediately sifted through his messages and clicked on the number that he believed was Rosanna's. Taking a deep breath he placed his phone to his ear and stepped inside his apartment.
He chewed on his lip nervously and held his phone tightly to stop his hand from shaking.
What was he meant to say when she picked up? What if she didn't pick up? What if she didn't want to hear him?
A thousand thoughts flushed his mind as the phone rung in his ear. His heart was beating hard against his ribcage like the wings of a hummingbird. It was like someone had lit a fuse on him and he was slowly inching closer to bursting. Then all of a sudden, time stood still when he heard her voice.
"Morning," she said in that sweet voice that used to greet him every day and tell him sweet dreams every night.
"I—I, uh, I—I'm," Alex stammered and cleared his throat. "I'm home."
Rosanna sighed in relief, "how are you feeling?"
"Mild headache," Alex said, "—but Ro...sanna" he wasn't sure if he was allowed to call her by any nicknames anymore, "I'm so sorry about...last night."
"It's okay, don't worry about it," Rosanna said. A silence rang in between them. It wasn't like they had nothing to say, more so that they had too much to say and didn't know what to say first.
Rosanna was waiting for Alex to say something but she didn't know what she'd even want him to say.
Both of them just stood there, a phone with nothing but static by their ears.
"Um...maybe I should get going," Rosanna said eventually. Five entire minutes of silence had passed.
Alex felt his stomach drop as she said that. "Wait Rosanna—!" he said impulsively. Worried he'd loose her again.
"Yeah?" Rosanna's voice came in quietly. Her heart was pounding so loud she thought Alex must be able to hear it.
"Do...do you um...D'you wanna get...lunch, together...or something?" Alex stammered.
Yes, Rosanna's heart said but her obligations of reality sent her voice somewhere else. "I...I'm busy today."
"Oh..." Alex's voice trailed off. "That's okay...tomorrow?"
"Al..." Rosanna said quietly. He already knew he was drawing her away.
"It's okay, nevermind," he said quickly.
"It's not that," Rosanna said. "I just..."
"Rose?" a voice called in the background.
"Sorry, I'll be a sec," Rosanna said and covered the mic. She looked over her shoulder and saw Oliver entering from another room. "Yeah?" she asked him.
"I've gotta go work a few hours at the studio," Oliver said.
"Okay," Rosanna smiled.
"Sorry are you on the phone?" Oliver asked and mentioned to her hand. Rosanna nodded. "Is it Matt?"
She shook her head, "it's Alex," she said quietly. She watched as Oliver's face fell and he managed a nod.
"You're talking again?" he asked.
"Just making sure he's okay."
"Right well, I'll see you tomorrow?" he said. Rosanna smiled and nodded. He gave her a quick kiss on the cheek and disappeared out the front door.
"You still there?" Rosanna said as she uncovered her phone's microphone.
"Hmm? Yeah. Yeah I'm here," Alex said, snapping out of his thoughts. "Who was that?" he asked to be polite.
"Just Oli," Rosanna said.
"Are you two together?" Alex asked. His voice wasn't jealous, but he was. In the sense that he wanted to be the one making her happy.
Rosanna swallowed the lump in her throat, "uh...not really...um...testing the waters I guess?"
Alex nodded and cleared his throat. He felt nauseated in that moment. He knew he should be happy for her but he wasn't. "Okay," he said shortly and cursed at himself for the passive aggressive tone that it came out in.
"Al you can't be upset," Rosanna sighed. Please don't do this Alex. Please.
"I'm not," Alex said, "just...it's frustrating."
"What do you mean?" Rosanna asked worriedly. Her eyes were already watering. Things were heading downhill at an astronomical rate. "You can't have expected me to sit around alone for the rest of my life."
"I don't," Alex said and punched his leg, internally cussing himself out for upsetting her again. What is wrong with you!
"I've only just started getting myself together Al," Rosanna sighed and swallowed the hard lump in her throat before it could make her voice crack.
"I want you to be happy," Alex said honestly. "It's just frustrating because no matter how hard I try I can't...I can't let you go."
"Don't say that Alex," Rosanna said, her voice almost a whisper. She could feel the tears rolling down her cheeks. No one broke her as perfectly as he did.
"You've made a new life for yerself but I'm still stuck on you," Alex sighed. "These past years have been impossible without you."
"Alex..." Rosanna wept.
He quickly stopped himself, "I'm sorry. I should stop talking I'm sorry." He wished he'd never called her. All he did was hurt her over and over. He felt like poison.
She grit her teeth hard to stop herself from saying what was on her mind: I'm still in love with you. "I don't want us to leave on bad terms again," she said after a minutes silence. Alex bit his lip and made sure he was choosing his words carefully. Rosanna inhaled a deep breath to steady herself, "you keeping the beard?" she asked with a hint of a smile.
Alex knew she was trying to be friendly and not just that, change the subject. "I might do, yeah," he said and managed a smile.
"And the hair?"
Alex shrugged, "might give it a trim."
"Don't become just a guy with a beard," Rosanna said lightheartedly.
Alex smiled, "you sound like Matthew." Rosanna managed a huff of laughter.
They fell silent yet again. Alex bit his lip. "Thanks for taking care of me last night," he said.
"You would've done it for me," Rosanna said softly.
"I'm sorry that I were like that," Alex said.
"It's fine," Rosanna shrugged off, "brought be back to the good old days where you came to my doorstep crying about Alexa."
Alex managed half a laugh, "how fucked has everything gotten if those were the 'good old days'?"
"I've missed you Alex," Rosanna blurted out. "I really have."
Alex felt a small smile play on his lips, "I've missed you too..."
"I better get going," Rosanna said after a few seconds.
"Yeah, yeah me too," Alex nodded.
"Bye Alex," Rosanna said.
"Bye."
They didn't talk much after that phone call. They didn't leave on great terms but neither did they leave on bad terms. Before he could even try to arrange a meet up with her, Alex was due to fly back over to LA but promised her, internally of course, that he was going to come back and make things right. It was taking time but he knew they could get there.
After that phone call with Alex everything changed for Rosanna. Her entire mindset had been shifted and all he had to do was say he missed her too. She was still in love with him. She'd tried so hard to convince herself she wasn't but after speaking to him again, she knew denying it any longer was just foolish.
Rosanna felt guilty whenever she saw Oliver. Knowing he deserved better she built herself up to telling him the truth about how she felt.
"Oli?" Rosanna said quietly. He was sitting next to her on one of her settees, a movie playing into the background.
"Yes?" he looked over at her.
She sighed and chewed on her lip, "I don't think we should do this anymore." She watched his face fall and felt her heart sink. "I'm so sorry, I just don't want to hurt you."
"What do you mean?" Oliver asked.
"This whole 'trying it out' thing," Rosanna said, "I think we should just stay friends."
Oliver's gaze dropped, he looked like all the joy in him had been sucked out clean.
"I still care about you, I always will, but I don't want to put you through a relationship where the feelings aren't equal," she said. She felt awful doing this to him. "I'm just not in a mental place where I can be in a relationship like this because I can't give you my all even though you deserve it."
Oliver sighed and nodded respectfully, "it's okay," he said softly. He had expected this to happen. When Rosanna told him she would 'test the waters' with him, he thought it was too good to be true and it turned out, it was.
"I wish I could give you what you want," Rosanna said honestly. "But you deserve someone who can be fully committed to you and it's just not me."
"It's alright Rose, I understand," he said kindly. He chewed on his lip as he thought for a second and met her gaze once more. "Did Alex have anything to do with it?" he asked. Rosanna sighed, knowing she owed him an explanation to this question at least. It was very valid.
"I haven't let him go," Rosanna confessed. "And it's nothing to do with you or him, it's just me. I thought I had but..."
Oliver managed a smile, "it's okay," he wrapped his arms around her and hugged her tight, sending relief coursing through her veins at how well he was taking it and how kind he was being.
"I'm so sorry Oli," Rosanna said and hugged him tightly.
"I can't ask you to stay if you don't want to," Oliver said and rubbed her back. "We can still be friends right?" he smiled and looked down at her.
She nodded, "of course. What would I do without you." Oliver chuckled and hugged her once more. He was glad she said what she did when she did. He liked her, really liked her but he didn't love her like that just yet and that's what made it the slightest bit easier to let her go. It was sad, but he knew deep down her heart still belonged to another.
Rosanna wasn't crawling back to Alex in any way, shape or form. She just didn't want to be in any kind of relationship while she was still at war with herself because she knew it would ruin everything around her eventually. She knew she still loved Alex but she didn't want to get back together with him. She was torn to say the least and didn't want to involve Oliver in her troubles.
While cleaning her newly bought townhouse, she'd moved out of the apartment the first chance she could, she decided to finally play the copy of 'Everything You've Come To Expect' that she was sent. She placed the vinyl, side A up, on her turntable and let it ring out through her place as she changed out the tulips on her dining table to roses.
She loved her place. Decorated it to be a perfect reflection of her. But it always felt empty. Even when Oliver was around while they still had a thing.
It reminded her of when she and Alex moved into their first place together in Los Angeles. The both of them carrying in different pieces of furniture that they'd taken with them and attempting to squeeze them through the front door. Spending the following week or so buying different decorations to make their place look like 'home'. Setting up their home studio over two days, installing sound proof walls for their neighbour's sake.
She recalled filming some of the process and searched through her phone to see if the videos were still there or if she'd gotten rid of them. To her surprise, they were still there, and against what was best for her heart, she decided to watch them.
"Ey love can you gimme a hand 'ere?" Alex said, standing atop a stool as he lined the walls with a sound proof padding. His voice sent chills down Rosanna's spine. It was like she was watching a movie. It felt so far from her life she almost didn't believe it ever happened. Alex turned around and faced the camera, one hand holding up the padding against the wall. "Are you filmin'?"
"Yeah," Rosanna's voice said in the video, much louder than Alex's.
"Why?" Alex chuckled.
"So we can look back on it later," Rosanna said.
Alex smiled back at her, "can ya give me a hand with the wall?" The video ended shortly after. Rosanna remembered getting up to help him after he asked again. She decided to watch the following video as well. Her past times sucking her in like a back hole.
It was Alex on his guitar, testing out the sound system of their home studio, sitting on a seat, picking at the strings. His eyebrows were tightly knit together, executing his immense focus in what was before him. Rosanna had been sitting on the floor across the room and was filming without him knowing.
It was so peaceful. Nothing but the melodic ring of Alex's guitar playing to fill the air. Alex looked up and saw the camera pointing at him as a shy smile cracked onto his lips. "What?" his sweet little voice asked, laughing nervously.
Alex was met with silence. His smile grew bigger and he sat up straight, "what?" he repeated. Rosanna cringed as she heard her laugh in the video. Alex put down the guitar and walked over to her. She remembered this moment vividly.
He had come up to her and wrapped his arms around her waist, lying down next to her and pulling her to lie on her back.
"Why are you filmin' me?" Alex smiled and pulled her closer to him. The camera flipped around to show the two of them now sprawled on the floor, Rosanna looking up at the phone and Alex with his nose brushing against her cheek.
Alex smirked and his eye flicked up to the camera and groaned when he must've seen himself. He nuzzled into the side of her face and pressed a kiss to her cheek.
Rosanna sighed to herself, they looked so young...they looked happy. Life seemed so simple and at that time it really was. The video ended shortly after when Alex began showering her cheek and neck with kisses. Rosanna wasn't sure if watching the video hurt or if it made her somewhat happy. Happy that she was that happy with her life once. She could feel the ghosts of his kisses lingering on her skin and felt herself wiping them away as she put her phone down and left it alone.
Rosanna remembered the tune of 'Sweet Dreams' the second it came on and found herself analysing the lyrics as she sauntered about her house. He really did love me that much, she thought to herself. Although she didn't let it break her heart, she hoped one day someone would love her that much again and that Alex would be able to love someone that much again too.
Rosanna and Alex didn't talk much after that call.
They didn't contact each other at all for a couple of weeks until Rosanna decided on impulse that she was going to call him again. She wanted to hear his voice. But most of all, she wanted to try and fix things.
"Rosanna?" Alex picked up effective immediately. A cold rush had taken over his body the second her name popped up.
"Al," Rosanna sighed in relief. His voice calmed the storm in her mind. "Hi."
"H—hey," Alex said and cleared his throat. "Is everything okay?"
"Yeah, of course," Rosanna said. "Matt told me you're gonna be around sometime soon."
Alex fell in love with the sound of her voice. "Uh, yeah, I, uh, I'm—we're comin' over to record a bit at the studio in London." He found it hard not to stutter when he was speaking to her without mentally preparing what he was going to say.
Rosanna smiled, his language reminded her of the day she met him and he was all nervous to speak to her. She chewed on her lip and took a deep breath for support, "I've got a gig on the fourth."
"...of September," she added.
"Two weeks," Alex said, more so to cement it into his mind.
"You gonna be in town?" Rosanna asked nervously, chewing on her thumb nail.
"Uh..." Alex thought for a second and sat up excitedly, "uh, yeah I am. Come round on the thirtieth of August, leave on the sixteenth."
"Do you wanna drop by or summat?" Rosanna asked.
"To your show?" Alex asked for clarification.
"Yeah," Rosanna nodded. "If you want to come that is."
"Of course I want to come," Alex said. "I'd love to, more than happy to." Alex then hesitated, "...are you sure you want me there?"
Rosanna broke a smile, "of course I do. It's nothing big — definitely not like any of the shows you play nowadays, just summat quiet and low key — but, if you can make it..."
"I'll be there, count on it," Alex said surely, "wouldn't miss it for the world."
Rosanna tried her best at holding back a wide grin at this comment. "Starts at seven, I'm on at nine."
"How long are you gonna be playing for?" Alex asked, keeping this conversation going for as long as he could. It was like putting green leaves on a burning fire.
"Sets about forty minutes," Rosanna shrugged. "Got a few friends helping with the other instruments."
"Matt?" Alex asked.
"No," Rosanna said and shook her head, "couldn't ask him to do that when he's got a baby to take care of."
"Very true indeed," Alex nodded. "Will you be on the guitar?"
"I will," Rosanna smiled.
"I can't wait, really," Alex said, his heart felt warm like when you did wrap your hands around a mug of coffee on a cold morning. "Nine o'clock?" He said just to confirm. Confirm the time and confirm that she was letting him into her life again.
Rosanna nodded, the smile that only he could trigger on her face, "nine o'clock. Don't be late."
Alex smiled and managed a lighthearted chuckle, "I won't."