Imprinted Memories

You Deserved Better

Though Clary had appreciated the gesture, she rejected Simon's offer to drive her to Jonathan's apartment. She had always hated the subway but this gave her a bit to think about how to get through this conversation.

She was surprised to see Magnus already in front of the apartment building.

“What are you already doing here?” Clary asked after hugging him.

“I realized that there is one of my favorite restaurants just around the corner, best Dim Sums you can get in New York.”

“That sounds great.”

“How do you feel?”

“If you would tell me, it would be okay to run away, I'd consider it.”

“Biscuit, I love you and I hate to see you like this but I won't do this.”

“I know. Let's go in before I really run.”

“You're doing the right thing.”

“I hope, you're right,” Clary sighed and rang the doorbell.

She wouldn't have thought that a walk up to the second floor would feel that long. Clary was worried when she saw Jonathan standing in the doorway. Clearly he hadn't slept that well either. She didn't care if it was too much in that moment but she went over and hugged him. Jonathan was a bit surprised but he relaxed and wrapped his arms around her. Clary's thoughts snapped back to the day when she had confronted him on her own in Toronto. She felt the tears prickling behind her eyes but she pulled back nonetheless.

“Jonathan, this is Magnus, the friend I've told you about.”

“Hi, Clary said, you might be able to help me to access my memories.”

“That's true.”

“Come in. Can I offer you something?”

“No, thank you.”

Clary looked around the small apartment. She couldn't have imagined how Jonathan would have lived as a mundane and she liked it. She sat down on the couch next to him while Magnus took a seat in an armchair opposite to them.

“Jonathan, I can imagine, this must be really confusing for you.”

“To say the least.”

“When did you start to have these dreams?”

“It started the day we met. But you said, those weren't really dreams. But how couldn't they be? They were so strange and frightening. Also you looked different, you had all these tattoos, we both did. The things I've seen, they didn't really make sense.”

“I have to show you something,” Clary sighed before she got her stele out and deglamoured her runes.

“What the...what is this? What are you or we...? I don't understand.”

“I will explain this to you and you will most likely think, I'm crazy. I felt the same when I learned about it but it's true.. Jonathan, you and I, we aren't mundanes at least not completely. We're Nephilim, part human, part angel. Our parents were Nephilim too.”

Jonathan looked at Clary as if she had lost her mind.

“This can't be. Why should something like this exist?”

“Because there's more to this world than you know. Nephilim exist to protect the mundane world from the demon world. We're Shadowhunters. All these stories about fairies, werewolves, vampires, demons are true. They do exist, they live among the mundanes but hidden.”

“You forgot the warlocks,” Magnus added.

“I'm sorry.”

“Warlocks? You mean something like witches or wizards like Harry Potter?”

Both their heads spun around to Magnus when he snorted disapprovingly.

“Magnus, please...,” Clary scolded him slightly amused.

“Is he a warlock?”

“He is and one of the best.”

“Let's say I believe you. Why can't I remember?”

“Jonathan, our family history is at least complicated. Our parents were both powerful Shadowhunters but our father became a fanatic who was obsessed with the concept of pure blood. He hated Downworlders and anyone who wasn't purely Nephilim. He gathered people around him to lead a revolt. Within time his delusions got so bad, he started to experiment with pure angel, demon, Downworlder blood to create the perfect warrior. He even did it with his own children. We're on different sides of the same experiment.”

“What do you mean?”

“During our mom's pregnancy, she..,” Clary desperately tried to hold back her tears, “He injected her with... I can't tell you this. I can't..., I can't do this to you.”

“I need to know.”

“Clary, do you know the whole story what has happened?”

“I do. My mom and Luke shared their memories with me after we got her back.”

“If it's too painful for you to tell, you can show him...”

“Show me what?”

“I can establish a connection between you, so Clary can share her memories and recollection of the events with you.”

“How? You're really a warlock, aren't you?”

“Did you think, I was joking?”

“Jonathan …,” Clary cupped his face with her hands, “What you will see, will scare you, it will hurt you. But no matter what you will see and no matter what will happen afterwards, you're my brother and I love you and I'll be there for you.”

He looked at her and the fear in his eyes broke her heart.

“Are you sure you want to see this?” she asked with her voice cracking.

“I have to. How are we going to do this?”

“You need to hold on and focus on each other. Clary I need you to concentrate on what you want Jonathan to see. Jonathan, I need you to focus on Clary. You have to trust her and let her in, otherwise it will be nearly impossible for me to establish a connection between you.”

“You don't remember it but we kinda the same thing over a year ago in Paris. You showed me what had happened to you. I trusted you back then and now I need you to do the same for me.”

“But how had we been able to do it back then? Did we also have a warlock at hand?”

“No, back then it was different cause you still had your power. We don't have to do this.”

“I trust you, Clary.”

Clary couldn't pinpoint why but she felt relief over his statement though she feared, it would change right after what he saw. But in this moment she didn't let go of him and tried to focus on the first memory she wanted to show him.

She had expected it to be painful for both of them and but she felt it physically when his hands grabbed hers tightly which were still resting on his face. To go through that all at once, Clary wished she could take the burden away from them. So much had gone wrong and the shock and disgust about his own actions were written all over Jonathan's face. Clary knew, she had no influence on how he felt but she held onto him as tight as possible to assure him, she was there for him now and afterwards. She showed him all she remembered stopping at the day she encountered him at the café a few days before. 

“What have I done? I'm a monster.”

Jonathan tried to break free from her grip but Clary still held onto him.

“I'm so sorry I couldn't show you something better. But you're not a monster. You didn't choose to become this way, the choice to change had been taken away from you before everything else.”

“You wanted me to change but I hurt you too.”

“Jonathan, you're not that person anymore. If you would be, you wouldn't feel remorse right now. We both have lost so much and I always wanted you to feel welcome in my family. And this hasn't changed.”

“I'm sorry but I can't, Clary. You're better off without me. And even if you have forgiven me, there are way too many people who have more than good reasons to hate me.”

“We can fix this. I talked to my family before and ...”

“I appreciate what you're willing to do but I can't ask that of you. From what you've shown me, you already have a loving family. Don't waste your time trying to fix a mess you're not responsible for.”

“But you're also my family. I can't let you go.”

“You already went through enough because of me. If you make me a part of your life again, my past would always be a part of it and that's the least thing I want for my little sister.”

“I can't lose you again.”

“It's for the better. Go and live your life.”

“But what about you? How can I be happy when I know that a part of my family is out there completely alone?”

“Don't worry about me. I'll make my way somehow. But I don't have a place in your life anymore.”

Clary couldn't hold back her tears anymore.

“All your life you wanted to be with me and now you give up on me?”

Jonathan broke free from her grasp and got up from the couch to walk over to the window facing away from her.

“And what had it gotten you that I wanted to be with my sister? Did you forget what you've just shown me? I don't know how you can be willing to look past all I've done but I can't. Please leave and don't come back.”

“Jonathan, please... “

“Don't make it harder for us than it already is,” he said.

“If you change your mind, I'll leave you my phone number.”

“You don't have to. I know, it hurts but it's better this way.”

“Can I at least say goodbye to you?”

“I leave you two alone, I'll wait outside for you, biscuit,” Magnus excused himself and left. Clary walked up to Jonathan, putting a hand onto his shoulder who then turned around to her.

“I'm sorry.”

“Don't..., I wish, things would have gone differently. You deserved so much better, Jonathan. I know, you don't see it now but I'd do everything I can to give you a second chance.”

“I know but I'd only be a burden to you and that's not what you deserve.”

Jonathan wrapped his arms around her.

“I feel like I'm abandoning you.”

“You don't. I know now, I have a little sister who cares about me despite all my wrongdoings in the past.”

“Jonathan, if you ever feel ready to come to terms with what had happened, you'll always have a place in my family.”

He wanted to say something but Clary shook her head. She knew he wouldn't promise her anything but the least she could do was to remind him, she would be there.

“You should go now. Take good care of yourself. I love you, little sister.”

“I will and I love you too, Jonathan. I only wish, I could have saved my boy in the tower.”

“Maybe one day you will,” he said before placing a kiss on her forehead and releasing her from the hug.

Clary tried to smile through her tears before she turned around to leave. The feeling of sadness was overwhelming for her. She had known beforehand that this was one possible outcome but somehow she had clung onto the most irrational hope. She stumbled down the stairs and out of the building.

She stopped dead in tracks when she didn't only see Magnus but also Jace waiting for her. She kinda leaped into his arms and hid her face in his chest. He held her tightly to himself, softly cooing into her ear to calm her down.

“What are you doing here?” she choked out after a while.

“Magnus called me and told me what happened.”

“Thank you,” Clary mumbled with her head turned around to Magnus.

“Of course, biscuit.”

“Do you want to go home?”

Clary nodded before she leaned into his touch softly wiping her tears away.