"Maybe I'm too busy being yours to fall for somebody new..."
The last few months of the 'AM' tour seemed to drag on for years. Alex never once had a moment to sit back and fully recover from his and Rosanna's break up and found a coping mechanism in singing 'I Wanna Be Yours' at every show for her; as much as it hurt. He laid off the drinking a bit but would constantly find himself intoxicated and mourning over her. No matter how long ago it was.
He hadn't heard anything about her, she didn't seem to call Matt anymore; at least not while Alex was around. He'd stopped crying every night and day over it and had learnt to accept that she'd left him but he never stopped missing her. Every day of his life. Every waking moment. His mind was on her.
Their final show of their tour felt like the end of a huge chapter in Alex's life. After the tour was over, he had to face the reality that she really was gone and he had to rebuild himself from it. No more shows and travelling to mask the pain burning within him. He was dreading heading back home to LA and living in that house. It had never felt more lonesome. He almost wanted to go back on tour immediately just so he had something to distract him, something to keep his mind focused on but all the other guys were very adamant on taking a bit of a break and focusing on their girlfriends and families after such a long and exhausting tour. They'd been on the road close to eighteen months and it had left them all satisfied yet drained. They were in no hurry to start touring once again. Everyone except Alex.
They all had stable relationships, Jamie and Matt were both engaged now but Alex was still treating love like a game; and he was loosing. Badly. He was never going to be able to keep up with all his mates. They'd all grown up and matured but Alex was still making the mistakes of a teenager. The only thing that had ever made sense to him was Rosanna.
The bed felt bigger now that he wasn't sharing it with anyone. It felt cold and empty as he lay his head for his first night off touring. Everything in the house felt like it was missing something. Someone.
He hated everything about this new life he had to adjust to. He didn't know what to do with himself. It had been months since she left and he still couldn't even imagine being with another woman. When Alexa left him he thought a month of mourning was excessive, now that he looked back on it, it had nothing in comparison to that of loosing Rosanna. Matt was quite upset when Alex told him: "I could never love a woman the way I loved Rosanna. I can't stomach the idea of being with anyone else."
"You never fail to amaze me Alex," Matt had told him, "you tell me she was the love of your life and now you can't stomach the idea of being with someone else but when you were with her you went and slept with another woman? You fucking wonder."
Alex felt awful after hearing that. Matt was right. But as right as he was Alex physically could not fall for someone new. He was bound to Rosanna and rathered being alone the rest of his life than being with someone who wasn't her.
He still had that letter in his pocket. Folded so the creases almost cut through the thin lined paper. He wasn't sure if he should still give it to her or if she would just toss it in the bin if he ever did. Alex just hoped she wasn't still hurting like he was because it was unbearable.
Sitting at the island bench in the seat Rosanna was sat at the day he returned home to her crying because of what he did, Alex smoothed our the sheets of folded paper and stared at his own handwriting. He thought it all typical of himself. The wording. The syntax. The lexical choice. It all screamed desperation and aching. It conveyed his emotions well but more so pushed him to do something a little more meaningful than just a letter. Alex found himself writing a song.
He found old messages he'd sent her while they were still together and incorporated his words into this ballad he was writing. He didn't have a tune, only the thought of writing to Rosanna fuelling him. He knew he was probably never going to be able to hand her that letter so instead, he hoped she'd hear this song and know he still loved her even if she was never coming back to him.
He spent a mere hour writing it seeing as every line came to him automatically. Alex had to admit, it was refreshing being able to write out his feelings in song once again. It always seemed to be the best method for expressing himself in the most fitting way possible.
It was a very straightforward song compared to others he used to write that were a little more allusive. He phoned up the guys once he'd written it and asked if they'd all come over and help him put some instruments behind it but all of them told him they were either busy, tired, or in need of a break from all the song-making stuff. Matt told Alex he wasn't comfortable putting together a song against Rosanna after hearing it was essentially a break up song. To which Alex replied:
"It's not against her. It's for her."
Matt just shook his head, "I think we all need a break Al, at least just for a little while."
To be fair, two of the band members were currently planning weddings so it was pretty fair that they wanted to focus on themselves for a bit. So instead, Alex called Miles.
"I wrote a song," he said once Miles had picked up.
"Aight?" Miles responded, a little confused.
"Wanna get the Puppets back together?" Alex said, a little desperately Miles could tell.
"What's the song?" Miles asked. He wasn't opposed to the idea of The Last Shadow Puppets coming back together to make some new music. It had been awhile. But he was however, surprised that Alex was even talking to him. Miles expected some weight of the blame for Alex and Rosanna's split but Alex seemed to hold it all on himself.
"Um..." Alex stumbled and looked down at his writing. He hadn't thought of what to name it yet. His eyes landed on the second last line of the ballad and decided: "Sweet Dreams."
"I meant sing it but aight," Miles chuckled. Alex sounded much better than the last time he spoke to him.
"Oh...right," Alex nodded and cleared his throat. "I just sorta always feel sick without you baby,
Ain't got anything to lick without you baby,
Nothing seems to stick without you baby,
Ain't I fallen in love?
I thought it were quite 'puppety' don't you think?" Alex asked nervously.
"Sounds good," Miles nodded.
"Do you wanna come over and help me make it into summat?" Alex asked warily, "I'm so damn lonesome 'ere."
"I can come round this afternoon," Miles said. A wave of relief flushed over Alex's body.
"Aight. I'll see you then," he said.
"Wait, before you leave," Miles stopped him. "Is it about...?"
Alex's heart fell and he nodded, even though Miles couldn't see him. "Yeah. I...Uh...I..."
"It's alright you don't have to explain yerself," Miles said softly, "I'll see you in a bit."
"Okay, bye," Alex said softly and hung up the phone.
He found himself scrolling through images of her even though he knew he shouldn't be doing that to himself. He almost forgot how radiant her smile was. All the photos of them together reminded him of what he used to have. The photo of them kissing at the Trevi Fountain on their first date. The picture of them at the beach in Australia. Them dressed as 'Query and The Riddler' for Halloween back in 2012. The photo of them drunk with Rosanna sticking her tongue at Alex's nostril. The last one making him change a line in the song.
He anticipated Miles' arrival, hating being on his own like it was poison. He refrained from drinking any alcohol, telling himself firmly it was time to change things for the better because he'd let himself go too far whilst they were on tour. So far even that he began hallucinating.
One show, Alex found himself back in the centre of his nightmare. It was like the most sickening sense of déjà vu. It dame out of nowhere. One moment he was playing on stage and the next he heard Matt tip over one of the drums by accident. He laughed at first and then a cold shiver ran over his body. He felt the floor fall beneath him and he began sweating. It was all aligning with that one nightmare he had long ago when he was still with Rosanna. Matt tipping a drum over, laughing then feeling the world spiral around him, spotting her in the crowd two rows for the front, going to smile but instead uttering a heartbroken "I'm sorry" and watching helplessly as she cried and made her way out of the crowd, leaving him behind. Only, Rosanna wasn't there. Alex had looked for her frantically after the memory of his nightmare set in. He thought he saw her standing two from the front but when he blinked, she was nowhere to be found.
His imagination haunted him, cursing him to believe she was standing somewhere when she never was. It was like chasing after an apparition no one else could see.
Alex jumped when he heard Miles knock on the door, kicking him out of his thoughts. He was relieved to see him to say the least. He offered Miles a drink and handed him a beer when he asked for one. Alex stuck to lemonade because he knew one sip of alcohol would send him down into the rabbit hole of excessive drinking.
"Jesus Christ yer house is nice," Miles said, admiring it as the stood around in the kitchen, "haven't been here yet."
"It were nicer before," Alex said quietly and sipped his lemonade, "less empty." Miles chewed on his lip as silence took over their conversation. Alex cleared his throat and shook his head, not wanting to burden another person with his continued mourning. "Let me show you the home studio," he said, changing the subject.
"Wow, truly fancy," Miles said, "whole damn studio in yer house."
Alex chuckled to hide his sadness, "yeah...it's fun. It were mainly for Rosanna...since she wouldn't play anywhere else." He looked at his hands and stood up, leading Miles through the house.
"So how's the song go again?" Miles asked as they sat around in the studio, noticing Alex's eyes were lingering on a certain spot; where Rosanna's guitar used to be.
Alex snapped out of his thoughts, "sorry?"
"How's the song go again?" Miles repeated.
"Right," Alex nodded and grabbed the lyrics he wrote. He cleared his throat and began reading out the lyrics in a sing song voice, still not entirely sure of the tune. "I really might be losing it,
The idea that you've existed all along's ridiculous.
I don't know what to say.
Baby, we ought to fuck,
Seven years of bad luck out the parlour room mirror.
Could I have made it any clearer?
It's love like a tongue in a nostril,
Love like an ache in the jaw.
You're the first day of spring and your touch so piercing,
Little Miss Sweet Dreams,
Tear the seams."
"You came up with that when?" Miles asked curiously.
"This morning," Alex said, worried Miles didn't like it.
"It's very raw," Miles nodded, "I like it."
"You do?" Alex asked almost excitedly.
Miles smiled, "yeah. I do. It does sound quite 'puppety' in full actually. Sound beautiful with some strings backing it, maybe some acoustic guitar."
"Just our style innit?" Alex joked, he felt lighthearted for the first time in awhile. "So what do you reckon?"
"Bout what?"
"Getting the Shadow Puppets back together?" Alex said. He was desperate for a distraction and he knew making some more music would help with clearing his mind. Maybe the different sound of music the Puppets created in comparison to the Monkeys would be a good change of scenery to help him move on.
"I don't see why not," Miles chuckled. And with that, it was. Miles and Alex spent the afternoon perfecting the ballad Alex wrote. It almost pained Miles, to read those lyrics Alex had written. It wasn't the type of 'break up' song he was expecting. Instead it was a confession of love. A beg for reconnection and affection. Alex was still so in love with Rosanna even after all this time and it was clear he didn't intend on moving on any time soon.
Alex tried to be okay in Miles' presence and tried to limit how much he spoke about her but he was failing miserably. Every time he thought of her he would either bring her up or zone out, remembering every aspect of her. Miles was more patient with him than Nick, Jamie or Matt. Mostly because he hadn't just spent almost five months dealing with a heartbroken and constantly drunk Alex.
Miles didn't like the idea of Alex staying home alone for too long, it being quite evident that he was still in a fragile state of mind, and offered to come over the following day to work on some new music for the Last Shadow Puppet's second album. Alex really appreciated Miles for being willing to make music with him because he knew it would be too much to ask the other Monkeys now that they had so much in their personal lives to take care of. Alex was the only one without some kind of family or stable relationship on the way and he felt as though he needed to distract himself from the imminency of time by doing what he did best.
Alex put all his time and effort into trying to write some material with Miles. They phoned up a few of their friends that helped with the instrumental side of the Shadow Puppets' music and eventually, got everyone on board for making another album.
Alex was worried that the other Monkeys might get offended by him working on some music for another band but all of them agreed that they needed a break and that Alex focusing his time on something other than Rosanna was good for him. They all privately thanked Miles for helping Alex out while they all focused on themselves to which he said he didn't mind at all. Miles felt he owed Alex a distraction at least if he was some part of the cause for Alex's break up.
Alex wasn't very good at hiding his mourning. It never seemed to end. He was able to smile and make jokes but there was always this sadness in his eyes that never seemed to fade out. He looked like a widower. Living a life of grief. Never fully in the moment with his mind somewhere off in the distance. She really had taken a piece of him with her.
Everything seemed to be going swimmingly. Miles, James Ford and Zach Dawes were all over at Alex's house, sitting around the settees. The former two were the other members of the Puppets and were both completely onboard with the idea of getting back together. They were all talking about nothing in particular, the conversation having strayed from their professional work when Alex found himself on his phone doing something he knew he'd regret: searching up Rosanna's name on the Internet.
Everything came crashing down in one fell swoop. Alex's external stability. His ability to focus on something other than his heartbreak. His promise to stop drinking. The first thing that came up was an article about her. He was surprised people were reporting on her for a second until he read the headline and saw the image attached.
"Moving on: Alex Turner's Ex spotted with mystery man in Kensington."
The first lines below:
The Arctic Monkeys' frontman, Alex Turner's Ex girlfriend Rosanna Barnes-Carter was recently spotted walking around Kensington with a mystery man months after the couple's infamous messy breakup. It's no secret that Turner did not take the two's split easy as he was seen intoxicated at the majority of the Arctic Monkeys' shows after it was leaked that the frontman had suspectedly cheated on his former girlfriend. Many believe Turner had a difficult time moving on but it seems Barnes-Carter has taken that first step in moving forward as she was spotted on a supposed date earlier this week.
The image below was of Rosanna and some tall, brunette guy walking side by side. They weren't holding hands or anything intimate like that but they may as well have been because just seeing her with someone else tore Alex from the inside out.
He tried to play it off, turning off his phone and biting down on his lip, trying to divert his mind to the conversation the guys around him were having. His bottom lip was quivering and he could feel his eyes sting and his throat grow a painful lump. She's moved on. She doesn't want you anymore. She's happy now. That's all you could have asked for. Why are you crying? Stop. Stop before anyone notices—oh great.
"Al are you alright?" Miles asked. That one question set his emotions off.
Alex began crying the second Miles said that and tossed his head in his hands. There were tears running down his wrists and down his forearm, tracing down his nose and burning his eyes.
"Ey what happened?" James asked Alex, everyone was now looking at him confused and concerned.
Alex couldn't speak he just sobbed, his shoulders bouncing up and down as that feeling of helplessness and abandonment drowned him. He knew he should be happy that she'd found someone new and that she was going to eventually but it still shocked him. He always thought there was a chance he could fix things and recover what they lost but now it seemed impossible. The thought of her with another man drove a knife through his heart and tore it right back out. The thought of someone else kissing her lips and seeing her smile in their arms, holding her tight and being able to call her theirs. He knew he should've expected it at some point but it just felt too soon. Too soon because he hadn't had the chance to redeem himself nor the chance to get over her.
"Alex," Miles said and moved over to him, "hey what's wrong?"
"She...she's found someone else," Alex managed through thick sobs. Miles, Zach and James all looked to each other and shared one of those "oh fuck" looks. Alex heart burned like it was being prod with a red hot iron. "I know I should be happy for her but..." he couldn't finish his sentence without bursting into tears.
No one really knew what to do.
"I love her," Alex cried. "I love her so much and I want her back. God I want her back," he cried into his hands, heaving for air. "I'm never gonna be able to make things right. She's already fallen for someone new but I can't. I can't love anyone but her."
Matt ended up coming over once Miles had told him what happened. Matt seemed to be the best option when it came to calming Alex down and comforting him. There was no masculinity barrier between them. Matt just hugged Alex tight as his friend cried it out, knowing how much he must be hurting right now.
"I know I should be happy," Alex said, "because she is...but I can't. I can't get the thought of her and him out of my head."
"They're just pictures Al, they might just be friends," Matt said softly.
Alex sobbed, "I just miss her Matt. And I can't tell her. I love her so much but she's never going to take me back. How can she move on and create a new life whilst I'm still stuck on her? How come I can't move on?"
"Cause you love her Al. And she loved you too," Matt said. "I can't speak for her because I don't know how she feels but you can't want her to hurt for as long as you are."
"I don't want her to," Alex said honestly. "It's just awful seeing her with someone else when that could've been me. Me if I hadn't fucked everything up."
Alex was up all night. Crying left and right. Matt had to force his phone out of his hand so Alex would stop torturing himself by looking at those photos and reading the article over and over like he was rehearsing it. Maybe it was better he never looked and lived in his own fantasy where she would come back to him and everything would be perfect again. But reality was setting in faster than he could comprehend and it had a way of tearing him into shreds of nothingness.