Hellooooo friends! Here's a new one shot! When you put me train traveling every day together with my love for Amsterdam, Berlin, the pilots and Christmas, this is what you get.
I hope you'll enjoy reading this one shot and I hope to hear from you. Please leave a comment and a like if you can to support me 'cause it helps me out SO much and means the world to me. I'm curious to hear what you think of this one shot. Enjoy! Here we go. Let's dive in!
Word count: 9846
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Tyler ran toward the entrance of Amsterdam Central Station, pushing past people while repeating 'excuse me, 'scuse me' the entire time. He ran toward the gates, scanned his ticket quickly, before he started running toward the platform his train was departing at. He clutched the straps of his heavy backpack tighter as he tried to not bump into too many people as he ran, continuously still yelling 'excuse me' to anyone he accidentally bumped into. He finally got to the escalator and was about to run up them, when he saw that other people were blocking it; standing on both the left and right side instead of only on the right side. Tyler realized it too late; people were behind him already, so he couldn't turn around to grab the regular stairs.
He impatiently wiggled his leg, heart pounding in his chest. The people took way too long to get off the escalator but when they finally did, Tyler started running all the way to the back where he could see his train. He ran as hard as he could as he saw the conductor outside of the train, and blew the whistle.
"Wait!" Tyler yelled. "Please, hold up! Wait!" He tried as he tried to speed up even more, but the conductor entered the train. "No, no wait hold on!" He yelled, and he was able to reach the train; but when he repeatedly pressed the button to open the doors, they didn't open anymore. "No, no no no please, please", Tyler rambled as he ran to another door, pressed the button; the door didn't open. At that moment, the train started moving and Tyler knew he'd missed the one and only train to Berlin that he could get that evening.
"Fuck!" Tyler yelled, then hearing footsteps running behind him come to a stop. Tyler turned around to look at a brown curly haired guy with glasses and a backpack on his back, panting softly.
"Dammit", the boy sighed, and Tyler nodded in agreement. "Missed your train too?" He asked the curly haired boy. "Yeah, I was supposed to go back to the states to my family for Christmas but that was the only train I could get to get to the airport with the only flight back home", he said. "No Christmas for me with my family I guess", he said.
"Oh man, I'm so sorry", Tyler said as he walked a bit closer, chest rising and falling quickly. "So you're from the States too?" He asked. The boy nodded. "That's so cool, me too. D'you live here?" He asked. "Kind of. I'm going to university in the country, so at least temporarily", he said. "But it's around three and a half hours away from here by train, but because that train was delayed I missed this one. It's too late to go back now too", he said.
"Well I'm stranded too, and I'm incredibly dehydrated because of the running I did", Tyler said. "Wanna grab a drink somewhere?" He asked. "Yeah, sure. I got about ten hours to kill", the boy let out a soft laugh, causing Tyler to laugh too. "Same here", he said as they started walking back to the escalators, both of the boys' legs tingling because of the crazy running they'd done only to still miss their train.
"So where were you planning on going?" The boy asked. "Back to Berlin. I'm a freelance photographer, lived in a couple of cities all over the world. My family is in Berlin because they thought it would be really cool to celebrate Christmas in a big European city instead of getting me to go home again, so they're at my place now. But I got a job here in Amsterdam in between, only a couple of days, and I was supposed to get this train so I'd be back in Berlin in the early morning, since this one was about a nine hour train ride. Now I'll have to get a new ticket to catch the train to Berlin tomorrow morning", he said.
"Well I'm glad you can still make it to your family in time for Christmas after all", the boy smiled. "And it's so cool that you're a photographer", he said. "Yeah I'm not smart enough for university. Just went to college", Tyler said with a grin, and the guy laughed softly. "What d'you study?" Tyler asked. "Applied physics", the boy replied. "Dude I don't even know what that means", Tyler laughed, causing the boy to laugh too.
"What's your name?" The curly boy asked. "I'm Tyler, what about you?" he replied. "Joshua", the boy smiled. "Nice to meet you, Joshua. Is it okay if I call you Josh or rather not?" Tyler asked. "Oh Josh is fine, definitely", he replied as they left the escalator.
"Alright, Josh. Hold up, I'm gonna go get my ticket for tomorrow morning real quick alright?" He said. "Yeah of course, I'll walk with you", Josh said and Tyler smiled as they went to get Tyler's train ticket to Berlin.
Once Tyler had his ticket and securely put it in his backpack so he wouldn't lose it, they stranded at Starbucks inside the station. Tyler ordered an iced guava white tea and a triple chocolate cookie while Josh ordered a white chocolate mocha with a blueberry muffin, and they sat down. "I'm gonna text my family real quick, let them know I won't be there tomorrow morning but somewhere in the afternoon", he said as they sipped their drinks. Once he'd texted them, Tyler unwrapped his cookie and he was about to take a bite.
"Wait!" Josh then said, and Tyler froze, looking up at Josh. "Sorry", Josh smiled cheekily. "I just... Have you had dinner yet?" He asked. "Not really, no", Tyler said. "That's why I got this cookie." "I was planning on buying dinner on the train since I didn't have time to get anything before getting on the train here", Josh said. "And since we'll have to stay up for the next ten hours, we could grab some real dinner somewhere?" he proposed. "D'you reckon there's still restaurants serving food at this time of the evening?" Tyler asked. "It's Amsterdam, the city lives 24/7", Josh replied. "That's true, Berlin is like that as well. Let's save those as desserts then?" He proposed as he nodded at the muffin and cookie. "Sounds good to me", Josh smiled.
They finished their coffees and then left Amsterdam Central Station. "Hold up, forgot how cold it is", Tyler said as he put his backpack down and he got a beanie and gloves out. He put them on and Josh smiled. "Dude, that beanie is awesome", he said as he put the hood of his hoodie on. "Oh thanks, man", Tyler smiled, pulling the rainbow beanie over his ears to keep them warm. "Bought it somewhere here before going to my job. I haven't had any free time in Amsterdam 'cause I was planning to stay here as short as I could because of Christmas, but I had to get the gay beanie while being in the gay capital of the world", Tyler said.
"I'm jealous. I need that beanie", Josh said, causing Tyler to smile. "Maybe I'll give it to you as a Christmas present if you're nice to me", Tyler said. "Oh no, please don't, you bought it. It's yours, not mine", Josh said. Tyler shrugged. "Alrighty then, but you should get it too if you ever get the chance", Tyler said. "Definitely", Josh smiled.
"This city is really beautiful, huh?" Tyler said as they walked toward the Dam, looking at all the Christmas lights. "Yeah, it's gorgeous", Josh replied. "I always like coming to this city but especially around Christmas. It's so gorgeous here", he said. Tyler nodded. "And very cold at the moment", he said with a soft laugh and Josh nodded. "I forgot my gloves 'cause I didn't think I'd be spending a full night outside since all the hotels are completely packed because of Christmas", he laughed softly.
"You do have them in your pockets though, are they still cold?" Tyler asked, referring to Josh's hands. "Yeah they're pretty much completely frozen", Josh said. 'Let me feel. Hold it against my cheek", Tyler said as he stopped walking, and Josh did so. Tyler let out a soft shriek. "That's crazy! That's insane. C'mon, get in here, you're gonna get frost bite and lose your fingers like this", Tyler said as he grabbed Josh's hand, wrapping his own hand around it before he stuffed both of them in the warm fluffy pocket of Tyler's winter coat.
"Oh that feels so much better already", Josh said and Tyler smiled. "Good, now try to keep your other hand warm too. They're gonna hurt like hell once we find a place to get inside for dinner", he said. Josh groaned softly. "Don't remind me of the pain I'm gonna have to endure", he said, causing Tyler to laugh softly. "I'll walk on your other side in a bit, switch hands", he said. "My hands are very thankful", Josh said, causing Tyler to giggle.
"I guess we'll just go inside the first restaurant we pass that's open, hm?" Tyler asked and Josh nodded. "Yeah, definitely", Josh said.
They reached the Dam and Tyler dragged Josh to the big Christmas tree. "C'mon! I need a picture of us to always remember being stranded in a foreign city and spending the night outside with a stranger", Tyler grinned and Josh laughed gently as he let himself get dragged toward the Christmas tree. Tyler got his phone out and he snapped a few pics of them; some of the smiling, some of them being silly, before he pocketed his phone and switched to the other side of Josh, grabbing his other hand. "C'mon, snowbird", Tyler smiled.
They walked through the Kalverstraat toward Leidse Square, not having much luck finding a restaurant that was still open - unlike Josh was expecting - until they found a little Italian restaurant at Leidse Square. Tyler dragged Josh inside, asked if they could still get something to eat before he explained why they were looking for a place to eat that late, and the owner of the restaurant was so sweet that he was gonna prepare them whatever they wanted, even though the kitchen was actually closed.
They both ordered a pizza after they sat down at a two person table, some candles lit on the table. The whole restaurant was decorated with Christmas decorations, and both boys were smiling as they looked around.
"How are your hands doing?" Tyler asked as he looked at Josh. "They're hurting pretty freaking badly", Josh confessed, and Tyler opened his hands on the table. Josh put his hands in Tyler's and Tyler wrapped his hands around Josh's. "Poor hands", Tyler said as he gently rubbed the backs of Josh's hands with his thumbs.
The owner of the restaurant brought them their drinks and both boys thanked him with smiles, Tyler still holding Josh's hands to ease the pain of his hands warming up, 'cause he knew how much that could hurt if they were ice cold.
"So I guess this is a good moment to get to know you, hm?" Tyler asked. "Sure, what would you like to know?" Josh asked. "Why don't you start with the standard stuff? Age, hobbies, uhm... Favorite food, music, color?" He suggested. "Alright, I'm 27 years old, currently in my third year of trying to get my second degree. I studied development for four years starting when I was around 20, then started applied physics when I was around 25. I have two sisters and a brother, a big food lover of especially all things Mexican, I'm super passionate about music too. I love going to concerts, I love listening to music and I love playing drums. Always loved being creative, like painting, drawing, creating music, but I always figured that since I was a really successful student during my school days, I'd be wasting the opportunity to go to university if I'd go for a creative job, even though it's something I would've loved to do. I definitely absolutely love anything I've studied and study at the moment, don't get me wrong. Just... Not sure if it's something I wanna do for the rest of my life", he shrugged.
"You sound really interesting, Josh", Tyler said. Josh smiled softly. "What about you? You make me curious too", he said, making Tyler smile.
"I'm 23 years old, was able to go to college at 17 and photography only took me two years to study so since I was 19, I've been living wherever my jobs take me. I have a sister and two brothers, my favorite food is either Greek food or Taco Bell, and I'm a big music lover too. I've done concert photography, but also travel photography and photo shoots for magazines or fashion brands or portraits for artists or important business people. I'm kind of an all round photographer", he said. "Music was always one of the things I would've loved to pursue, but ultimately I chose photography over music. Oh and my favorite color is blue", he said. "Right! My favorite color is red", Josh smiled. "You sound really interesting too, Tyler", Josh said, trying to wiggle his glasses up his nose a little without having to let go of Tyler's hands.
Tyler let out a soft laugh. He let go of Josh's hand and he gently pushed Josh's glasses up his nose a bit. "Better?" He asked with a soft smile. "Much better", Josh replied, and Tyler's hand grabbed Josh's hand again.
"The glasses look cute on you", Tyler commented after they hadn't said anything n a little while. Josh smiled. "Christmas looks cute on you", Josh replied, causing Tyler to let out a soft laugh as his cheeks flushed red. "It looks great on you too", he smiled softly.
Shortly, the waiter brought them their pizzas and Tyler let go of one of Josh's hands to make room for the pizzas, but not the other one. As they looked down at their pizzas, they saw the heart shape made with extra pizza ingredients on both of their pizzas, and they both let out a soft laugh. "Romantic", Tyler commented and Josh hummed as he nodded, smiling softly at Tyler.
Tyler lifted his hand that was holding Josh's hand up and he pressed a soft kiss on the back of his hand. "Hope you'll enjoy your dinner", he said as they let go of each other's hands to start eating their pizzas. "I'm sure I will", Josh replied with a smile.
They started to eat their pizzas, especially loving the warmness of the food on their hands. As they ate, Tyler glanced at Josh once in a while, smiling softly with a blush every time their eyes met.
"I don't know what it is about you but there's something about you that feels safe", Tyler then said all of a sudden, coming as a surprise to Josh, who lowered the slice of pizza that he was about to bite into.
"You really think so?" Josh asked. Tyler nodded. "Yeah, I immediately thought so actually. Wouldn't have followed a stranger into the night if I didn't", he said.
"That actually genuinely really means a lot to me", Josh told him. He reached out over the table and Tyler grabbed his hand. Josh softly squeezed Tyler's hand gently, smiling softly at him.
"Regretting your choice to follow a stranger into the night already?" Josh asked. "Not at all", Tyler replied. "In fact, I'm just more thankful that I did every minute I'm spending with you", he said. Josh blushed softly as he looked down. "You're shy", Tyler then noted. "Why are you so blushy when I say something like that to you?" He asked, cocking his head to the side a bit as he rested his chin on his hand, looking at Josh.
Josh softly shrugged. "I uh, I don't really know", he softly said. "Is it because I'm interested in you?" Tyler asked. "In what way are you interested in me?" Josh asked. "Any way a boy can be interested in another boy", Tyler said as he looked down at their hands. He let go of Josh's hand just to push Josh's hand open with his own fingers, then intertwined their fingers properly.
"Why are you so blushy, Josh?" he asked again. "Any secret boy or girlfriends I should know about?" He asked. "Oh no, no no definitely not", Josh quickly said and Tyler smiled softly. "I'm glad that's not the case. Wanna talk to me about it, love? Any things I should know about? Something I should take into consideration, something I shouldn't forget or should keep in mind, pay attention to?" He asked.
Josh looked down. He didn't understand why his anxiety was suddenly kicking in - or rather, he didn't understand why his anxiety was only kicking in now and not sooner. Dating was an absolute nightmare for Josh, because people couldn't handle his anxiety in a relationship. He didn't understand why he'd been talking to Tyler so easily, asking him out for dinner and all of those things earlier that night, but he'd decided to take advantage of it and just go with it 'cause why the hell not, he was finally feeling okay about talking to attractive people.
Didn't last very long however, though, 'cause he felt as if he was completely collapsing inside. He realized that Tyler actually maybe was interested in him in one way or another and it felt so surreal and his body didn't know how to handle it; throat getting tighter, hands starting to sweat and tremble, chest and throat constricting.
"Uh I- I uhm-", he started softly. He couldn't get it out. He couldn't say it and he felt his eyes stinging. He felt like he was gonna burst out in tears any minute.
"You're getting overwhelmed, aren't you?" Tyler softly asked and Josh nodded shakily. "C'mon, let's get some fresh air for a minute", Tyler said as he got up and he grabbed his coat. Josh didn't move until Tyler appeared by his side and he gently touched his shoulder. Josh flinched for a second but then got up and Tyler put his own coat on Josh, since it was a lot warmer than Josh's own jacket.
He grabbed his hand and he lead him outside. They didn't go far; stopping right next to the entrance, and Tyler saw the snowflakes falling from the sky as they got outside.
Josh took deep breaths, still shaking slightly and he let go of Tyler's hand. "You don't wanna hold my hand, baby?" Tyler asked. "It's okay if you don't", he replied. "N-no I- it's- I-", he tried, but he couldn't speak and he wanted to die right there and then to avoid confrontation.
Tyler grabbed Josh's hand again, his fingers threaded through Josh's. "Joshua do you want me to leave?" Tyler asked. "I'll leave if you want me to. If I'm making you feel this way, I'll leave if you want me to. Just tell me if that's the case. Be honest with me, please. I don't want to make you feel bad", Tyler told him.
Josh shook his head 'cause he couldn't speak. He just knew he didn't want Tyler to leave. He tried speaking but no words came out of his mouth and a tear rolled down his cheek.
"Are you having a panic attack baby?" Tyler asked softly. Josh shook his head no. "What is- oh", Tyler softly said. "Anxiety? An anxiety attack?" He asked and Josh nodded.
"Oh sweetie", Tyler softly said. "Can I give you a hug? Or rather not?" Tyler asked. "I- I c-can't-", Josh tried. "Oh you can't answer that, right?" Tyler asked. Josh nodded softly. "You just wanna reply with yes or no?" he asked and Josh nodded again. "Okay let me ask you again. Can I give you a hug?" He asked. Josh nodded. Tyler was about to go in for the hug, when Josh stopped him. "W-wait", he said softly and Tyler stopped, stepping back. Josh unzipped Tyler's coat that he was wearing before looking up at Tyler and he softly nodded. Tyler smiled softly as he wrapped his arms around Josh's waist tightly, underneath the winter coat. Josh's arms hesitantly wrapped around Tyler but he hugged him tightly.
"Mhm, nice and warm in here", Tyler said softly with a gentle smile. Josh buried his face in the crook of Tyler's neck, hiding his face. "Feels so cozy and safe", Tyler added softly, more serious now. Josh tightened his hug.
"Y-you shouldn't- shouldn't have g-given me your coat", he stuttered. "My snowbird needed it more than I did", Tyler replied. Josh blushed at Tyler calling him snowbird for the second time already. No one had ever given him a personal nickname like that.
Tyler pulled back to look at Josh after a little while. "How are you doing, sweetie?" He asked, moving a curl away from Josh's face to behind his ear. "B-better", he softly said. "S-sorry for that, it's- it's just- hard to... speak", he softly said.
"C'mon, lets go finish our pizzas and then we can go talk somewhere, alright? I wanna know more about you", Tyler said. Josh nodded softly. He felt the nerves in his whole body but he let Tyler lead him back inside.
They sat back down and finished their pizzas. Josh insisted on paying Tyler's pizza, which Tyler replied to with "Alright, but I'm paying yours", giving Josh no choice but to split the bill with Tyler. When they were about to go outside, Tyler gave Josh his coat again.
"N-no, no can't, you'll g-get cold", Josh told him softly. "I'll be fine", Tyler tried but Josh shook his head no. "Alright. Let's go to the bathroom, I'll put on anything I can from what's in my backpack, and you'll wear my coat", Tyler said. Josh sighed softly as he followed Tyler to the bathroom. They entered the room and Tyler put his backpack down before he opened it.
"Don't you have anything nice and warm in your backpack?" Tyler asked Josh, who shook his head no. "My uh- my family lives in one of the warm states so- so I was only gonna take some necessary stuff for that weather since- since I wasn't really planning on getting stranded when it's freezing and snowing", Josh explained.
"That definitely explains why you're dressed like you're going on a summer getaway", Tyler giggled. He got a hoodie and a crew neck out of his backpack, then a shirt. Josh offered to hold them so he wouldn't have to put them down.
Tyler took off his crewneck, leaving him shirtless. Josh blushed softly as he looked at Tyler's back and his chest through the mirror - obviously Tyler noticed, but it was okay. He didn't mind, not at all.
He put the shirt one, unfortunately, before he put on the two crew necks and the hoodie.
"W-wear mine", Josh said as he gave Tyler his jacket. "If y-you're not gonna wear your- your own", he added. "Alright, I will", Tyler replied, making Josh smile softly. He put on Josh's jacket and they left the restaurant after thanking them and saying goodbye. There was more snow on the roads now and as Tyler stepped outside, he slipped and was about to fall but Josh quickly grabbed him, holding him upright.
"Okay I got a mild heart attack there", Tyler said, letting out a laugh. "Thank you for saving me, sowbird", he smiled. Josh blushed. "N-no- no problem", he said.
"Where should we go? We have about eight more hours. You wanna go sit down somewhere? I don't think we'll find a quiet place somewhere at bar or something though", he said.
"W-we can walk to v-Vondelpark? It's- it's probably pretty c-cold though 'cause it-s s-snowing and-and- I-I uh- I don't- I don't know", he stuttered.
"Sure, Vondelpark sounds great", Tyler smiled. "Any Christmas lights there?" He asked as he grabbed Josh's hand and he put it in the pocket of Josh's coat now, since Josh was wearing Tyler's. "Also, is this okay?" He asked. Josh nodded with a blush. "Y-yeah, yeah d-definitely okay", he said. "Uhm t-there should be a lot of Christmas lights in the park", he said. "Let's go there then. You can tell me some more about you there alright? I'm really interested in getting to know all of you", Tyler said and Josh knew he was mainly talking about his anxiety.
Josh nodded softly and together they started to walk to the park. It was past midnight, and pretty quiet 'cause it was cold and they were quite a bit away from the center. There were still some people once in a while, 'cause it was Amsterdam, but most people didn't like being in the cold at this time of the day.
They entered the park and found a gazebo where they could sit down - because of the roof, there was no snow on the bench. They sat down, Tyler sitting close to Josh, their hands still linked together in Josh's pocket.
"Do you think you can tell me more about you?" Tyler asked Josh as he looked at him. "Uhm I'll t-try but- but it's h-hard to- to talk", he softly said. "How d'you mean? You mean that you can't say things aloud sometimes? Things you want to say?" Tyler asked and Josh nodded. "For me- f-for me it's always easier to uhm to text or message someone about something instead of saying it to them face to face or calling them, 'cause I- I'm not- not good at confrontation, it makes me feel r-really bad and- and uhm I- I can't- I can't really t-talk about my f-feelings well", he softly said. "O-or my thoughts or w-what I want, a-and I am okay with meeting new people unless I k-know that I'm gonna meet n-new people beforehand, I c-can't- I can't do that", he softly said.
"Uni is terrible too", he softly said. "S-so many new people. I'm used to it n-now but at the start of every university or class I f-feel terrible because of my anxiety and I am always s-so anxious", he softly said. "A-and I don't- I don't, like, ever, date", he muttered. "'Cause p-people think it's t-too hard and then I also think it's too h-hard b-because I feel so b-bad that people have to adjust t-their lives to m-my anxiety so I just d-don't- don't date", he softly said. He was trying so hard to explain it to Tyler, but he was struggling.
Tyler grabbed his phone. "I've had friends with anxiety before", he said. "But never a partner with anxiety", he told Josh. "I-I'd advise to k-keep it that way for y-your own sake", he softly said. "What if I don't want to?" Tyler asked. "What if I like a boy who has anxiety? You think I should let it go and try to get over him?" Tyler asked. "Yeah", Josh replied softly. "'Cause it's- it's really h-hard to be in a relationship with s-someone with s-severe anxiety", he said. "And what if I can't let it go?" Tyler asked. "T-then I f-feel sorry for you t-that you have to go t-through that", he said softly.
"I don't feel sorry for me", Tyler said. He googled it on his phone; What if you love a boy with anxiety.
"Can you read along?" Tyler asked Josh, who nodded softly. Tyler shuffled closer and he rested his head on Josh's shoulder as they read the article.
"You tell me what would be relevant and what isn't, okay?" Tyler asked. Josh nodded.
First of all, I'm going to tell you that it's not easy.
"See?" Josh softly said. Tyler hummed, continuing to read.
He has a cloud of thoughts that have long been kept in his mind ever since you met - questions that will remain unanswered - even if you do tell him assurances. He will always wonder if you're being true, he'll wonder if you really know what he's going through and he'll often wonder if you meant it when you said 'I love you too'.
"Is this the same for you?" Tyler asked. Josh nodded softly. "Yeah", he whispered softly. His eyes were stinging again; he was afraid he was gonna cry. He realty didn't want to.
He'll always be wary of everything he does because he's afraid that you might lose interest in him. He's afraid that you'll get tired of his unceasing questions and suddenly leave him - the way the others did when they couldn't stand him anymore.
"T-this too, especially t-this", Josh softly said, swallowing difficultly. He felt like crying because he was recognizing himself in this so much and it made him so relieved and sad at the same time.
He feels like being your friend or being your boyfriend is too much 'work': he thinks he's too exhausting to be with.
"This is what you just told me", tyler said as he looked up at Josh, who didn't want to admit or deny it, so he just sat still. Tyler turned back to the screen.
He thinks that everything is his fault and at one Snapchat everyone will turn their backs on him - especially you.
"What about-" Tyler started. "Y-yes, yes this too, all of it", Josh whispered softly, tears welling up in his eyes.
But you have to understand that he's like this because he's just frightened to lose you. You're like that streak of light in his dark world, the reason why he's not letting the void eat him whole. He's hopeful that maybe this time someone will stay, someone will accept him, and someone will make his fears go away.
Tyler didn't have to ask if this was true. He felt in Tyler's trembling, tightening hand that it was. The whole article was exactly like Josh felt.
Somehow this frightens him too; this simple joy and hope that you bring. He's afraid that the universe will take it away from him as well.
His mind is always working, imagining things he would never want to happen and thinking about scenarios that kill bind even if those were just thoughts as he, himself, fabricated inside his head.
"This too", Josh commented softly. He took a deep breath.
What you can do is listen intently, to all his rants, his fears, or all the questions that he would utter. Patiently explain to him that those images in his mind are not true; that those will not happen; that you will not leave him. Show him that you're there, be tangible proof that nothing bad is ever going to occur.
Tell him you love him even with his faults and anxiety. Tell him you accept him even when pessimism fills his head completely. Continue to be his source of light. Consistently bring positivity in his life. Teach him to trust again, prove him that not all people are the same, that you are nowhere close to the person who made him question everyone's intentions with him.
I told you, it's not easy.
But once you gain his trust and once he finally learns to accept the love that you give, believe me, you'll see the real him, that cheerful man with a happy heart and the boy he really was, before he met all the people that made him be filled with anxiety and fear.
Tyler checked the time. "I got a little less than eight hours to gain your trust and convince you that I wouldn't be a dick to you if you'd give me a chance then, right?" He said. "Give you a chance?" Josh asked softly. "What do you mean?" "I mean I'm interested in you", Tyler said. "But it's only been a couple of- of hours, how would- how would you know?" Josh asked. "Why did you ask me to go out for dinner?" Tyler asked Josh. "'Cause I-I was hungry", Josh replied. Tyler let out a laugh. "Got it. So there's no mutual interest at all?" He asked. Josh didn't know what how to reply to that 'cause he couldn't say it aloud but neither could he nod yes or shake his head no 'cause that could both imply that there was no interest. Tyler saw Josh's furrowed eyebrows, his worrying look as he didn't know how to reply.
"Let me ask that again okay?" Tyler asked and Josh looked up. He nodded. "Is there any interest? Even if it's just a little bit?" He asked. Josh nodded softly. "Yeah?" Tyler smiled softly and Josh blushed, nodding again.
"A bit more than just a little bit?" Tyler asked with a soft smirk, and Josh blushed as he looked away, softly smiling as he nodded again.
"You're so cute, snowbird", Tyler smiled. "As long as you're interested, you should definitely give me a chance and let me show you that I can live with having a boy with anxiety in my life, easily", he said. "But how-how do you know?" Josh asked softly. "I'd do anything for the boy I like", Tyler shrugged. "You might not believe that, or think it sounds cliché or anything like that, but I couldn't be more serious about it. I really am", he said.
"It's- it's h-hard to believe", Josh softly said. "I understand", Tyler said. "After everyone gave up on you in the past. I don't give up though, I never did. Wouldn't have the job that would allow me to travel around the world and be successful and make money if I would've given up. Fought hard for that", he said. "Would fight a million times as hard for you if you'd allow me to. I'd promise you that right now if I knew you'd be comfortable with me making a big promise like that to you already, but as you said; I've only known you for a few hours. So I'll wait until you'll let me know you're ready for me to promise something big like that to you", Tyler said. Josh bit his lip, then nodded softly. "T-thank- thank you", he softly told him. "No problem at all, snowbird", Tyler told him.
"Are you feeling anxious at the moment?" Tyler asked and Josh nodded immediately. His heart was racing, his body was shaking not from the cold but because of his nerves. He was swallowing difficultly.
"Is there anything that helps make you feel less anxious? More at ease?" He asked. "U-uhm, uh-" Josh tried softly. "G-going h-home, being a-alone", he softly said. "B-but I-I I can't go h-home and neither d-do I w-want to be a-alone", Josh admitted softly. "I d-don't- don't want you t-to leave a-already", he said.
"I'm not gonna go anywhere, don't worry", Tyler said as he carefully rested his hand on Josh's shaky leg. It surprised him when somehow, it didn't make him even more anxious but it felt kind of... safe. "Anything else? Anything at all?" Tyler asked.
"Uh... Weed", Josh let out a soft laugh. "T-that usually calms m-me down", he said softly.
"Well let's go get some then", Tyler said. Josh looked up at him, raising his eyebrows. "A-are you for- for real?" He asked. "Yeah, of course. If it helps you, then I'm absolutely sure", Tyler replied. "D-don't you think it- it-" Josh tried but it wasn't working, what he was trying to say. "I'm not sure what you're trying to say but I'm sure my answer's gonna be no, I don't", Tyler said. "Really, I promise. You said it would help you, then I'll support you. I promise. It won't change my view on you, it won't make me like you less, it won't make me think weird things about you, it won't change anything at all whatsoever except that you'll feel less anxious and you'll be more comfortable", Tyler told him.
Josh nodded softly after a little while. "O-okay if you're sure", he said. "I am definitely sure, are you too?" Tyler asked. Josh nodded.
"C'mon, let's go get some", Tyler said as he got up and he held his hand out. Josh looked up at him, blushing softly as he grabbed Tyler's hand and he got up. "You're cute when you blush, snowbird. Wish it would've been under different circumstances though, not anxiety", he said. "I-I'd still be blushing b-be-because of y-you", he said softly and Tyler's smile widened. "Yeah?" He asked and Josh blushed softly again He nodded as they started walking.
"Well that makes me happy", Tyler smiled, a slight skip in his step as he walked. "D'you know where we can get some stuff at this time of the night?" He asked. "Uhm m-maybe the- the big one at Leidse square, it's- it's one of the touristy ones but I-I I'm, I-"he stuttered.
"I'll go get it for you", Tyler said. "Just let me know what you want and how much. I'll go inside to get it", Tyler told him. Josh smiled softly. "Thank y-you", he said softly and Tyler gently squeezed his hand before they disappeared in Josh's pocket again.
"I t-think I have a lighter in my b-backpack somewhere", josh said. "Oh right, totally forgot about obviously needing a lighter", tyler laughed softly. "Well that's great, then I don't need to get that. What should I get?" He asked as they were approaching the shop. "Uhm p-probably Kush, if- if they got that. Pre rolled is the h-handiest, just o-one or maybe two is enough", he said.
"Alright snowbird, I'll be right back", Tyler smiled as he let go of Josh's hand. "I-I'll pay you back", Josh said. "No need, sweetie", Tyler told him as he turned around and he went inside. While he was there, Josh searched his backpack and found the lighter.
After a while, Tyler reappeared and he held up the small box. "Got two", he smiled. "The ones you asked me to get", he said as he handed them to Josh. "T-thank you, I-ll- I'll pay you back", he said again. "No, nuh uh. Don't pay me back, I don't want it", Tyler said. "Is this okay?" He asked as he hooked his arm around Josh's. "Yeah, yeah that's f-fine, yeah", he softly said. Tyler smiled softly.
"Wanna go back to sit down?" He asked. "I-if that's okay?" Josh asked. "Of course, snowbird. It's not that far and we still have many hours to kill", Tyler said. They went back to their spot in Vondelpark and sat down close to each other to stay warmer. Josh was shaking badly, so Tyler used the lighter while the pre rolled joint was in between Josh's lips.
It went easy for Josh, so tyler figured he probably did it regularly. He didn't mind; he didn't think Josh was the type to do it 24/7 and go so far that he wasn't him anymore. He didn't mind weed, at all, as long as it didn't take over a person. He could feel that wasn't the case with Josh.
Josh took a few drags once it was lit. He inhaled, held the smoke for at least five seconds if not more, before he blew out. His body was trembling less, Tyler could feel, since the side of his body was touching the side of Josh's body. Josh's breathing was calming down too and his face looked more relaxed.
"How's that?" Tyler asked. "So much better", Josh sighed softly. "I'm sorry you have to see me like this. I promise I'll still be me-" josh started. "Hey, hey, calm down, snowbird", Tyler said as he rested his hand on Josh's thigh. "I know that. I know you'll still be you. And I also already told you I don't mind, it's absolutely fine by me in any way. I'm just happy it's helping you", Tyler said.
"Yeah..." Josh trailed softly. "it's... it's always much easier to talk about stuff when smoking weed", he explained, voice immediately sounding much more confident and the stutter and hesitation was close to being fully gone.
"D'you think there's a little bit more you can tell me about your anxiety in general? I wanna know, so I know how to respond and handle certain things. Yknow, like one of those anxiety attacks. I wanna know exactly what to do and how to help you, I wanna know what you need at which moment and I wanna answer any questions you have for me since you said a lot of your questions would usually go unanswered. I don't wanna give you even more anxiety so I wanna know how to decrease the anxiety", he said. Josh nodded softly.
"I Uhm... I kind of struggle with... with speaking my mind", Josh started. "Even when I know I can, and even when people actually ask me about it, I still can't do it", he said. "For example, there was this guy that was into me and he sounded perfect and online he was perfect so I thought I'd be into him too but when I met him in real life, I just couldn't do it and anxiety was completely eating me up from inside out and I felt absolutely terrible. He asked if he could hug me, I said yes. He asked if he could hold my hand, I said yes. He asked if he could wrap his arm around me, I said yes. He asked if I wanted to stay longer, I said yes. He told me if I wasn't comfortable I could say no and he would completely understand but every time I said yes and every time I actually wanted to say no", he softly said.
"I wanted to leave and get home and crawl in bed and be safe, but instead I was stuck in this city until late at night when we parted ways and I went home. I just... I didn't want to disappoint him and it's hard to choose for myself", he said. "He was so hopeful and had so many expectations and I wanted so badly to be perfect for and with him but it was the complete opposite and it made me feel terrible but I didn't say no 'cause I just couldn't get it out of my mouth, my body just didn't let me", Josh said.
"We met up again when he asked me to and I planned to stay two nights at his house - not for anything intimate but just to spend time together 'cause we lived four hours apart from each other. I went to his house, having multiple anxiety attacks when traveling, then at his place too. I brought weed to try and stay calm and be able to get through it but that first day I kept glancing at the clock telling myself "I only need to do this so many more times". When the first day was over and it was night, I was trying to tell myself that I survived and I only had to do it two more times until I could go home. In reality, I didn't have to do any of it. He told me I was free to do and go wherever I wanted but my anxiety trapped me in his house and didn't let me leave. I got a huge anxiety attack that night, he was completely shocked and didn't know what to do and literally told me 'we don't have to sleep in the same bed. I can sleep on the couch' and 'if you want to go home, you can. I'll take you to the train station first thing in the morning if that's what you want. It's okay'. He literally said that, yet I felt like I couldn't in a million years tell him I wanted to leave and not sleep in the same bed as him. When the anxiety attack went on for hours well until the early morning, I finally nodded when he asked if I wanted to go home 'cause I couldn't say it aloud. I struggle with that so much", he softly said.
"I finally went home and cried because of how relieved I was to be away from him. He never did anything wrong, he was such a good guy, but my anxiety completely ruined myself as well as him and what we could've been if anxiety didn't fuck with me as much as it does", he said.
Tyler stood up, turned away from Josh and he started to walk away.
"T-tyler? Ty! Where are you going?" Josh asked panicky but Tyler kept walking. Josh quickly got up, stumbling as he ran over to Tyler and he grabbed his hand, holding him back.
Tyler turned back around to Josh. "Don't- don't leave me here on my own, please", Josh said softly. "D-did I do something wrong?" He asked carefully.
"Not at all, snowbird", Tyler said as he linked his hand with Josh's properly. "Not at all. But after the story you just told, I couldn't help but think about 'what if you want to say no to me too but feel like you're stuck and you can't?' It made me nervous 'cause I don't want you to do anything against your own will. You said even when he literally offered options and asked you specific questions, you still couldn't tell him no. So if I'd asked you if you were sure about being interested in me and wanting to spend time with me, for all I knew you'd say that you were sure but deep inside you aren't. I figured that if I'd just walk away, and you weren't interested in me but felt like you were trapped, you'd let me go. If not, you'd come after me. That's what you did", he explained.
Josh nodded. "I'm genuine, Ty", he said softly. "I'm really, really interested in you. That's not a lie or anxiety speaking. I promise", he said.
"Good, that makes me so happy", Tyler sighed softly. "C'mon, lets sit back down", he said and they did.
Then when Tyler was sure about this, he asked Josh more questions about the situation he'd told Tyler about as well as other things. Josh was able to answer more and more gradually as he smoked more, but never changed in any way except that he was less nervous and more open to talk and it was much easier to be honest.
"I notice in everything that this makes a huge difference for you, hm?" Tyler asked after their long talk as he nodded at the weed. Josh nodded. "It's so much easier to speak. It really helps, though when I was at that guy's place and brought weed, I still couldn't speak my truth or avoid anxiety attacks. The latter turned out to be a blessing 'cause that's the reason I went home", he said.
When the boys got too cold from sitting still, they got up and started walking after making sure they had all of their stuff. Josh knew his way around Amsterdam, so they walked to Museum square where they saw the beautiful Rijksmuseum in a winter wonderland decorated with Christmas decorations. They took some pictures of the building and their surroundings, as well as a cheeky picture together where tyler stuck his tongue out as if he was about to lick Josh's cheek, while Josh was smiling his incredibly cute, cheesy smile.
They continued their walk around Amsterdam for the rest of the night. They walked through small alleys and bridges, crossing tons of canals and clinging closer to each other every minute, enjoying the snow and Christmas scenery together. They watched the city wake up and open its eyes again.
An hour before Tyler's train was leaving to Berlin, they went back to Amsterdam Central Station. They walked through the train station to the to-go grocery store, got some food and drinks for both of them as breakfast and for Tyler as lunch as well. They then walked to the platform where Tyler's train was departing at, and came to a stop atop of the escalators.
"I think I'm gonna go get in already so I can settle and make sure I won't miss my train again", Tyler said as he saw his train was already at the end of the platform. "Yeah you should. Don't want you to end up not being able to celebrate Christmas with your family either", he said and tyler smiled sympathetically. "I'm sorry, Joshie", he said. "Don't worry it's okay. I'll be okay", Josh told him with a soft smile.
"So I guess this is goodbye then, hm?" Tyler asked. Josh nodded softly. "Yeah, I guess it is", he said as he looked down. Tyler cupped Josh's jaw and he tilted his head back up. "I'll come find you once I get back to the Netherlands. Come find me if you're in Berlin, okay?" Tyler said. Josh nodded with a soft smile. "Promise?" He asked. "Promise", Tyler confirmed.
They wrapped their arms around each other as they hugged tightly. "I'm gonna miss you", Tyler said. "I'll miss you too", Josh whispered softly. He was having a harder time that he would've liked and thought.
When they pulled back after their long hug, Tyler pressed a firm kiss on Josh's cheek. It felt as if Josh's cheek was burning because of the kiss; it just made him miss Tyler more. He wanted to receive all the kisses unlimitedly but Tyler turned around and he started to walk to the train.
Josh just stood there, watching Tyler walk away from him, until Tyler came to a stop as he turned around.
"You should come with me, snowbird", he called out to Josh. "Berlin would look gorgeous on you", he smiled.
Josh's heart ached. "I-i- I can't i-" he tried softly. "I know", Tyler smiled gently at him. "I know you can't. It's all good, baby. I hope I'll see you again some day", he said. "Goodbye, Joshua", he said.
"Bye Tyler", Josh replied, waving weakly as the boy walked away to the train only when he disappeared inside, Josh finally turned around and went back down the escalator.
He went back to the small grocery store, getting some more food 'cause he already knew he wasn't gonna go to the store once he was home 'cause he was way too sad to do so. He dragged himself to the platform where the train to his place was departing st and plopped down on the bench; then the wait began.
Josh was just staring in front of him, once in a while taking a sip from his drink, when he froze.
He was wearing Tyler's coat.
He completely forgot to switch coats with Tyler. Tyler was still wearing Josh's jacket and he was wearing Tyler's warm coat. He grabbed his phone quickly, only to realize that he couldn't have possibly fucked up more; he didn't have Tyler's phone number. He couldn't reach him.
Josh's heart was pounding in his chest heavily and quickly. Fuck. What now? He was panicking internally, then checked the clock.
Seven minutes.
Seven minutes until Tyler's train was leaving. Josh quickly grabbed his backpack and food, quickly and clumsily stuffing it in the pockets of the coat as he ran to the escalator. He quickly ran down them and to the international train ticket booth.
Josh ran inside, only see too a line of people on front of him. He stopped behind the people, impatiently waiting as he kept checking the clock and tapping his foot. The minutes ticket by; six minutes, five minutes, four-
"Can I help you, sir?" The woman asked. "Yes!" Josh quickly said as he looked up. "I need a train ticket to Berlin Central Station for today", he said. "Alright, lets see... the first train is leaving in three hours", she said.
"No, no no no I need a ticket to the train that's about to leave. The one that's leaving in a few minutes", he said. "Sir-" she started as she checked the clock - three minutes.
"I know, now please! Get me the ticket!" He quickly said. She nodded and printed the ticket as he quickly paid. Once he got the ticket he turned around and ran. One minute.
Josh didn't even apologize as he pushed past any and all people he bumped into. Nothing was more important than making it in time - he had to make it in time. He ran up the escalators and didn't waste any time as he saw the train to Berlin, running toward it.
He then saw the conductor and he heard the whistle. His heart dropped as he ran faster.
"Wait! Please wait, hold up! Wait for me!" Josh asked and the clock ticked - the minute had passed. Josh wasn't there yet.
"Please! Wait up!" He yelled as loud as he could and the conductor, who was about to get in the train, looked up as he saw Josh running toward them, ticket in hand. Josh was about to cry.
"C'mon, quickly!" The man said as he gestured for Josh to get there, and Josh kept running, a tear slipping from his eye 'cause he couldn't believe he was gonna make it. All the doors closed except for the one that the conductor was standing next to, and as Josh reached him he quickly jumped into the train the man got in and the doors closed and the train started to move.
Josh turned to the conductor, panting heavily. "T-thank- thank you so, so much", Josh panted. "Thank you so much, you- you have no idea how much I needed to get on this train, t-thank you", he said, trying to catch his breath. "Don't worry about it, son. I'm glad you could join us", the man smiled. "Do you have something to drink?" He asked, noticing Josh was obviously completely out of breath. He nodded as he reached into the coat and he grabbed the bottle, gulping half of it down. The man smiled, patted his shoulder, before he went on his way.
Josh waited until he wasn't dizzy and completely out of breath anymore, before he walked up the stairs to check the seats on the top floor. For some reason he felt like that's where Tyler would like to sit; the top floor instead of the bottom. Either way, he had plenty of time to find Tyler: all the way 'til Berlin.
His legs were tingling and he was still panting s little bit he didn't care. He checked every seat, before going to the next wagon, checking every seat there. He kept walking up and down every flight of stairs, checking every search losing hope that Tyler was on this carriage, when he saw a mop of brown fluffy hair. His heart rate increased as he opened the door and walked to the seat, seeing it was indeed Tyler; his own jacket hanging on the coat hanger right next to him.
Tyler looked up as he heard footsteps and his eyes widened. "Josh?!" He said surprised. "I-i forgot to- to give you your coat back", he stuttered. Tyler's mouth opened slightly. "You got on the train just so you could give me that back?" He asked. Josh nodded softly.
"Oh Joshie that's so sweet- wait you do have a ticket right?" Tyler asked quickly. "Yeah! Yeah I do", he said. "What station? C'mon, sit down", Tyler said as he moved his backpack so Josh could sit next to him after he took off the coat and backpack himself. He handed Tyler the ticket.
Tyler's lips curled up into a smile as he read the destination wasn't the first stop, or even the second. It was Berlin Central Station.
"Are you coming with me?" Tyler asked. Josh blushed as he looked down. "Uhm... if- if the offer still stands..." he trailed.
Tyler connected his lips to Josh's. Josh completely melted into it as he moved closer, wanting to be closer to Tyler, as close as he could.
Tyler broke the kiss, smiling widely. "Does that answer your question?" He asked. Josh blushed as he nodded with a smile. "Yes", he said softly. Tyler hugged him tightly, kissing his lips again.
"I realized too late that I forgot to switch with you again", tyler said. "I tried looking you up on Facebook but I didn't even have your last name, so I wasn't getting anywhere. I'm so incredibly glad you're here", Tyler sighed softly as he rested his head on Josh's shoulder.
"C-can I have your phone number?" Josh asked. "I-I don't- don't wanna lose you again", he said. Tyler nodded. "Of course you can, snowbird. Let's switch them right now", he said. They switched phones and added themselves to their contacts - including last names - before switching back.
"I guess I won't- won't be alone for Christmas after all huh?" Josh said softly. "Definitely not", Tyler replied. "You'll be with me", he smiled, before their lips connected again.
//
I loved writing this so so so much I love this story so much I might do a part 2 for Christmas bc it's Christmas as a little gift ? Would you guys like that? Let me know! Also please let me know what you thought of this? I'd appreciate that so so much! Thank you all so much for your support. I love you so much.
Lots of the anxiety stuff including the scenario with the guy josh told Tyler about is all about my own anxiety and experience. It was quite weird, personal and hard to write but if you relate; know you're not the only one. I love u.
♥️