AURORA
My eyes adjusted to the darkness as an unsettling chill ran down my spine. I was not supposed to be here, not that I knew where here was.
The ground beneath my bare feet was coarse but soft and yielding and the fine white grains covered the ground as far as the eye could see in every direction, stretching until it met the midnight sky on the horizon. I had never seen anything like it, small hills crested and rippled, breaking the wide-open space that boasted no sign of life.
The landscape was unchanging; no wind, no rain, just stale raw air and the endless night sky alight with the stars; however, the sky was glowing with more than just pinpricks of light. Radiant iridescent paths of light cut through the sky as if a blade had cut through the blackness to allow the light to shine through the openings as they pointed the way to one beacon of pure white light, it was beautiful.
My feet moved of their own accord as I followed the paths in the night sky, unsure as to why I felt their pull so profoundly.
"Aurora" a gentle whisper floated around me and made me stop in my tracks and turning back around I saw I was not alone after all. A tall young man with red hair and mismatched grey and green eyes was looking right at me, and though the lines and time had been removed from his face, I recognised him instantly.
"Grandfather?" I asked in awe as I reached a hand out to touch him, stopping short of contact. A wide smile broke out across his face and my insides twisted at the unfamiliar sight because I had never seen him smile before and I marvelled at how happy he looked when suddenly blood began to pour through his teeth and down his face.
Recoiling, I watched in horror as his body began to age and fold in on itself before collapsing to the floor, unmoving, just as he had the day he died with his eyes wide and unseeing. Stumbling back, my feet caught on something, and I falling backwards I scrambled for my balance while looking down to see what bad caught my foot and a strangled scream tore from my throat.
At first glance, the dead body looked like Rian, but with closer inspection, I realised this young man was not my brother. With darker red hair, mismatched grey and green eyes and a deep slit throat, I knew in my heart who this man was and a broken sob tumbled from my lips.
"Father?" I whimpered, too afraid to speak out loud as next to him lay more bodies of men and women, all similar in their varying shades of red hair and mismatched eyes, the same as mine.
The more I looked, the more corpses appeared, all of them were mangled or crumpled in some unnatural way as their blood stained the white grains red and their eyes all staring at me unseeing but screaming a thousand words.
I was hit with a wave of pure rage as I felt their anger inside me, I felt them all as tears began to pour from my eyes at the pain and the darkness that had ended them. I could feel their blood calling to my own, the blood of my ancestors, and suddenly I understood why. I was the blood of a people asking not to be forgotten.
The beacon of light in the distance abruptly moved closer, and I had to shield my eyes from the blinding light. Squinting, I made out a small child-like figure in the distance that came from the beacon and I made to move forward towards them, slipping over on the body of my Grandfather.
I tried to stand back up but couldn't find my feet with all the blood and gore so instead, crawling forward on all fours, I clawed my way across countless bodies as I tried to reach the child and the closer I got, the more I could make out the little girl with wide tearful blue eyes watching my struggle. I don't know why, but I knew I had to help her, maybe it was the look of fear on her face at seeing all this death, or perhaps it was something more, something I couldn't understand.
I was within a meter of her shaking body when something wrapped around my ankle and began to drag me down and twisting around I watched in horror as the bodies I was crawling over were now reaching out and grabbing my arms and legs. Fear bubbled in my chest as I tried to fight back, but the more, I struggled, the tighter their hold became and a scream tore from my throat as my body was being engulfed by bloody limbs.
Twisting forward I went to warn the child to run but the words stuck inside my throat as she stood untouched, watching with a grief-stricken expression as my face became the only thing not submerged in the corpses.
"Help me" she whispered as the mass of bloody bodies swallowed me whole.
**********
My eyes shot open as I laid in sweat-drenched nightclothes, the nightmare already receding to nothingness, this is exactly why I don't sleep, because my mind does stupid things like this. As if I didn't already have enough to think about, I go right ahead and add more nightmares to the list, though what that one was about I couldn't say.
The room was quiet except for the deep breathing of Nanaba, Nifa and Petra who slept soundly and I envied their peace of mind. Knowing I would not get back to sleep, I decided to get up and wiping the tears from my eyes, I quietly dressed so as not disturb the others before leaving the room.
Heading out into the courtyard, the wind caught my loose hair, making it dance and tickle my face as I made my way over to the stone stairs. I hoped some air would help me clear my head and the best place for that would be the roof and when I was barely at the foot of the stairs, about to make my climb, a prickling sensation at the back of my neck suddenly appeared, letting me know I was no longer alone.
Sensing who was following, I continued on to the rooftop, making no effort evade him and climbed over the balcony so I could lay down on the tiles. The air was surprisingly warm for the late hour, and the stars shone beautifully in the sky. Usually, they wouldn't be able to be seen in the populated Trost thanks to light pollution, but since the attack, the streets had remained dark save for the barracks and the few brave souls who had returned to their homes so lying on my back, I took advantage of the lack of unnatural light and traced the stars with my fingertips, when the tiles began to shake.
He took his time.
"You're not as apt in the art of stealth as you believe," I said softly knowing he could hear me perfectly. It's strange how for two years I had purposefully gone out of my way to avoid him, and now here I am sitting in the dead of night wanting nothing more than for him to be close.
What's become of me?
"Says the woman sneaking out of HQ in the dead of night" Levi drawled as he took a seat beside me and I did my best to ignore the fluttering in my stomach as I turned to meet his questioning grey eyes, no doubt wondering why I was up so late and skulking about the joint.
"I don't sleep well" I explained as I turned back to the stars "My mind has this scary ability to be able to conjure dark and demented visions."
"You are afraid of your dreams?" he asked softly but I gave no answer as I continued tracing the sky. I was sure I didn't need to explain the horrors of nightmares to him, he had seen plenty living ones.
Time passed by us slowly as we sat in strangely comfortable silence. The sky had begun to lighten some signalling the coming dawn, but the stars were still bright for the moment and I continued to trace the star constellation of the scorpion than was only visible this time of year. A tingling feeling spread over my face, and I turned to catch Levi studying me intently before frowning because even with a sky full of stars above us, he chooses to sit and watch me with dark unreadable eyes.
What are you thinking about?
"I heard there was a disagreement between you and your brother in the barracks" Levi commented in an offhand manner as if it was nothing and a pinprick of anger stabbed me as I instinctively knew which mouth could literally not hold its own tongue.
"It's family business, and Eld should learn to keep his mouth shut." I snapped while imaging breaking Eld's nose again, he was quickly earning the top place on my shit list this month.
"Give him time" Levi reassured, "not everyone is as adaptable as you."
"You seem to be dealing with all of this just fine," I muttered while picking at the slate, I needed Rian to sort his head out soon, Eren's trial was in the morning, and he didn't have time for doubt.
"The brat isn't my concern. Him being a Titan doesn't change my perception of him, it's different for your brother" Levi reasoned and I almost choked on my own laughter at the absurdity of Levi reasoning on my brother's behalf. Rian was not the Captain's biggest fan, and I would have told him what Levi had said just to see the look on his face, but right now I was avoiding him for fear of what I might do to that face. He really had cut me deep with his words and I was struggling to mend the wound he had left, what was it Grandfather used to say?
If you cut a man's spirit he will bleed just the same as any wound from a blade. Well found the truth of that proverb the hard way.
"He would be beside himself if he heard you defending him" I drawled "He doesn't like you very much."
"I noticed," he grumbled, his grey eyes holding a hint of suspicion. Does he really think I told my brother that?
"He doesn't know if that's what you're thinking" I glared at him before sighing, I was too tired for anger right now "He would have said something foolish to you by now. I think he suspects though; nothing gets past him where I'm concerned. I never could keep anything from him even if I tried."
I sighed looking down at my hands and my hair thankfully fell forward, creating a curtain between me and that piercing grey stare.
"Have you wanted to keep things from him?" Levi asked gently as he tucked my hair behind my ear, revealing my face to him once again and a slight blush warmed my cheeks.
"Sometimes," I answered honestly without meaning too.
Why am I telling him this?
"It must be frustrating to be so tied to someone that you never really have anything that is just simply yours," Levi remarked as a stiff breeze suddenly blew across us both. Shuffling closer, he unclipped his cloak and placed it around my shoulders as I pondered his words.
"It isn't like that" I answered with uncertainty. "When we were little, we had different ideas and wanted very different things. Rian always wanted to be the soldier, and I wanted to follow Grisha, Eren's father, and study medicine. You can imagine my surprise at being a Scout and actually liking it, I never expected to enjoy the military life."
I smiled to myself as I thought on how things had worked out in their own way, I suppose that belongs to me at least, my place in the Scouts.
"We all enjoy what we are good at." Levi mused as his fingers reached forward to play with the ends of my hair. it was easy for him to say, he was good at everything, especially carving up Titans, in fact, it was his speciality amongst other things of that I'm sure and when he was killing them, it was the only time I had ever seen him truly alive, well that and one other time.
"You enjoy killing." I thought out loud and instantly wished the roof would cave in and swallow me whole as heat spread across my cheeks and I dropped my eyes in absolute embarrassment.
Idiot. Why did I say that?
"Tch and you don't?" Levi scoffed before lifting his fingers to my chin to force me to look at him, "Don't think I haven't noticed that death and violence excite you. You thrive on it, it's what you were born to do, as was I."
"My grandfather would have liked you." I laughed without humour as his words sunk in. He would have more than liked Levi, he was everything he wanted us to be.
"Tell me about him," asked with curiosity and I heaved a sigh as I turned to face him fully, Rowan Sparhawke was the last person I wanted to think about right now.
"You know nearly everything there is to know about him, so there isn't much to tell. We weren't children to him but soldiers to 'light the way'. He was very set on what kind of life he wanted us to have and Rian did everything he was told to, he very rarely challenged him." I shrugged as I tried to play off an air of disinterest. It wasn't a topic I much cared for, I was under no disillusion what kind of man my grandfather was, but it still pained me knowing he died without ever truly being proud of me.
Or ever loving me.
"And you did," Levi said as more of a statement than a question and I snorted in genuine amusement, distracted from my grief. I had always challenged my grandfather, especially when I had a much preferred parent figure in Grisha.
"I was difficult at the best of times and as such a disappointment which he let me feel often" I told him as the memories played in my mind, "He used to say that if you wish to know peace girl you must come to know pain, it was the first lesson he ever taught me. He took us, his grandchildren, and punishingly trained us for years without ever explaining why we needed to fight in the first place, of course it made us stronger and I am grateful despite everything he did to us and he did some monstrous things, but I don't think we would have made it this far without him doing what he did. It's just tragic really, he was my grandfather, and he was the only person I was ever truly afraid of, well until I met you."
"I knew what you were the moment I saw you; I could smell the blood from a mile away." I related with a steady stare which he met blink for blink unaffected. It was true, from the moment I saw him I had known he was dangerous because I knew he had killed, that kind of act leaves its mark on a person and I had known what I was seeing. Rian's face came unbidden to my mind, and my mood turned dark as I remembered his words from a few days ago, not that I had needed him to remind me of my own bloody deeds, every day I looked in the mirror and I saw what he apparently saw. A killer.
Takes one to know one.
"As I could on you," Levi said as he looked my darkness in the eyes and smiled softly. My heart began to beat painfully, by rights I should hate him and yet right now, right here I don't, in fact, it's quite the opposite. I should be keeping my distance as I had been doing these last two years, but instead, I allowed him to kiss me yesterday, and now I've sat alone with him on a rooftop talking about things I had never spoken of before, not even to Rian.
There was something about Levi that got underneath my skin right to the very core, in more ways than one and there wasn't a day gone by since meeting him back in training that he wasn't at the back of my mind and even though I had tried my hardest to do so, I couldn't seem to walk away from him or rather he wouldn't let me. Would I ever be free from this hold he held over me?
Would I want to be?
Sensing my internal debate, Levi cupped my face and brought his inches from my own.
"Are you still afraid of me?" he breathed; his eyes suddenly very dark and a shiver ran down my spine that had absolutely nothing to do with the cold.
"Not in the way you're thinking," I said barely above a whisper.
Levi leaned in closer and tilted his head to barely brush his lips against my own when echoes of doubt surfaced in my mind. Pulling back, I placed a hand on his chest before looking in his eyes knowing that I couldn't keep on doing this because my heart couldn't bear the uncertainty, I had to know, I had to ask...
"What do you want from me?" I pleaded as my eyes held his.
This was the moment of truth. If Levi pushed me away as he did that night two years ago then I would rip him out of me root and stem, I would break the hold he had because I couldn't live with myself if I allowed this to continue with my heart being the only thing on the line, but if his heart was too....
Get a hold of yourself!
Sitting backwards, Levi's eyes bored into mine while I waited on bated breath for his response and heaving a deep sigh, he looked up at the stars before looking back to me with a guilt ridden expression.
"I had what you had once, not the irritating brother and the brats, but I had people who mattered." Levi muttered wearily, "The Titans took them from me on our first expedition beyond the wall and ever since then I sold myself body and soul to the cause. It's all I had"
"I understand." I lamented and for a man so adept at killing his eyes turned remarkably soft when I said those words and my heart clenched as it began to break again.
Sold myself body and soul to the cause. That leaves no room for anything else.
"I don't think you do" he insisted hastily before grasping both sides of my face, "I have never needed anyone, I was raised to be self-sufficient, then they came into my life, and they became important, and they were taken away. I never thought we would actually beat the Titans but I devoted myself to killing as many as I could before my time was done. Then you turned up and the way you looked at me... I didn't want you to become important too."
He turned his eyes away then and dropped his hands as if the admission physically pained him and, in a way, I suppose it had.
It may not be an outright apology for that night years ago, but it was his way of explaining his actions. Not that It made me want to truly forgive him for it, it had always been in the back of mind how easily he had turned away and I couldn't help but wonder what was so wrong me that he didn't even want me again, but I could understand that fear of loss, I had felt it myself many times. The only difference between Levi and me was that I was willing to pay that price for having the ones I cared about close, to have the comfort they brought by being by my side.
"Eren changes everything, humanity has a chance to fight back, a possibility of an end to this shit show. For the first time in years, I find myself wanting something more than death, for wanting..." Levi trailed off uncertain as he turned to cup my face again with his hand, giving me the answer to my question, and the vulnerability I had seen only once before reappeared on his face as he ran his thumb across my trembling bottom lip.
Joy burned brightly in my chest, and I struggled to contain it as it lit a fire inside of me. I was utterly fucked, if I ever had any doubt before I didn't now, as long as he was around, I would always want him.
You know what this means.
Turning my head, I placed a gentle kiss on his palm before leaning forward.
"Hope is the only thing stronger than hatred or fear," I whispered before gently placing my lips on his for the first time of my own accord and Levi's hands snaked around my hips to pull me onto his lap, where he deepened the kiss. His tongue traced against mine before he gently bit down on my lip and grounded his hips upwards causing heat to shoot between my legs, moaning I pulled back shock before I remembered myself and moving forward once again, I rested my forehead against his as I tried to slow my breathing because even though I may understand his actions, but I wasn't ready to jump back to where we had parted.
The gentle whistling of birds began to rise as the sun was beginning to peak over the horizon, and I knew I had to leave.
"It's Eren's trial in a few hours" I smiled sadly before placing a parting kiss on his swollen lips before pushing off my feet and handing Levi back his cloak.
"Aurora," Levi called out softly as he caught my hand before I could turn to leave, "Whatever is said in that trial tomorrow you need to trust Erwin to help Eren, have faith in him."
"I have faith that he will try, but if he were to not succeed, I won't let them kill him" I declared as I gently removed my arm from his hold and meeting his eyes I showed him how serious I was, "I'll die first before I allow that to happen".