Calum
"Come here chic," I said, sitting Alexis on my lap whilst wiping her tears. It was ironic really, because I was crying, but I didn't like her being upset.
"I wanted her back to make you happy again,"
I kissed her head, giving her a tight hug. She had just said a lot, and it was something I didn't expect such a young child to think- had I caused it?
Had I pushed the idea of being happy too far?
Was bringing her here a mistake? No. She deserved to visit Rose's grave, it was her mum, and this was the closest we could feel and get. There wasn't a way to make this feel normal, but this was the best I could do.
Alexis curled into my chest and closed her eyes, pinching and twisting at my top.
"Alexis, can we talk for a moment?"
"Yeah,"
"A big girl talk, okay? And you need to listen super well,"
"Yeah,"
"Rose, mummy, died four years ago. She didn't feel any pain, she got to tell me she loved me, and she is now in another place. That place can be as magical as you want it to be, and it can be however you imagine,"
"So she might be riding unicorns?"
"She might be," I chuckled, wiping my own tears, "but she is going to stay in that place forever, because her body couldn't live on Earth anymore,"
"It is my birthday, but I am sad,"
"That is okay. You can be sad about mummy, but we should be happy too,"
"I want a cuddle from her,"
Slowly, I stood up, keeping her on my hip.
"I guess that means double the cuddles from your dad huh? Lets get home now love, Uncle Mikey will be back soon,"
She blew a kiss towards the grave, and I did the same, planting a soft kiss her her cheek too.
"Good girl for being respectful as well,"
"I listened,"
"I know, it's really good when you do that. When we get home, can we tidy up your toys a little?"
"No,"
"But then you can't get your sticker,"
"Oh yeah, okay,"
I strapped her in the car again and put a small blanket over her, grabbing a juice from the boot. She was getting tired, and I wouldn't mind if she had a nap to be honest.
I got in the car and turned the radio on, then off; my thoughts felt so cramped. They were bouncing off each other, creating friction and rough edges in my brain.
My own mind was overheating.
This visit had only made me wonder what we would be like as a family, and how Alexis would maybe like her more than me.
Not maybe, definitely.
She only liked me because she was stuck with me. Rose would've known she preferred dancing and singing, and could make Alexis feel like a proper princess. She would choose the right cups and plates, and Alexis would listen to her because that was just Rose.
She was the buffer of my rough edges.
"Dad, I want my school uniform! I want to make you both proud,"
"We talked about this, love, and we can get it really soon,"
"Uncle Ashton needs to come over right now,"
"I wish, but Uncle Mikey is amazing as well, and I really want to see him too,"
When we got home, his car was in the driveway. I walked in and the mess was already cleared, Luke here too.
"Go and say a big thankyou to your uncle for cleaning this up,"
She ran to the kitchen and squealed,"Uncle Luke, uncle Luke,"
"Hey love, happy birthday!"
"Thankyou,"
"We took all your new toys to you room, but you can show me them if you'd like?"
"Yeah. We went to see mummy and gave her flowers. I spoke to her and asked her to come back,"
He lifted her up and they went upstairs, Michael squeezing me tightly.
"So you took her?"
"Was it the right thing?"
"Yeah,"
"She begged for her to come back and cuddle with us, and play. Rose would've been such a better parent,"
"There is no way to tell so you can't compare, but the way you are now is perfect to Alexis,"
"I feel like shit Michael, I can't be happy on my daughter's birthday because I am still grieving,"
"Not true. Cal, Rose wouldn't be mad if you stopped thinking of her for Alexis' birthday. No one is going to say you don't care about her death if you are out giving your kid a special treat. By letting yourself go, and being happy on her birthday, you are giving what Rose would've wanted to give her,"
I started to sob, both of us squeezing each other tightly. I thought about the tiger toy, the last hug, the happiness Rose had whenever she thought about Alexis. The pregnancy had been hell for her, yet she still smiled.
She was so fucking incredible.
"I think you need to hear our song,"
"Michael,"
"I'm serious! No one sings it to you,"
Gently, he started to rub my back, and sing our song. It was delicate and in a way, he sounded broken too.
"You are singing without me," Alexis whined, running downstairs as Luke quickly followed.
"Everyone needs to hear the song at some point ay?" Michael said, picking her up. I turned to Luke and clutched onto him, closing my eyes. I wished Ash could be here.
"Uncle Luke, I start school in two weeks,"
"I know!" he said over my shoulder, scratching my back, "it's okay, Cal,"
"I am going to be really smart,"
She started to jump up and down, giggling as she ran to the sofa. Then, she climbed on the arm of it and jumped back onto the sofa.
"You good?" Luke laughed, "I think you need to calm down,"
"I love my dad, I love my dad," she sung, sprinting back over to us. I picked her up and sighed, gently rubbing her back.
"We don't jump on sofas,"
"Okay,"
"And we don't run around the house,"
"Okay,"
"I'm heading off now, but I will see you on Saturday," Luke said, playfully tugging her little pig tails.
"On dad's birthday,"
"That's right, bye bye,"
She flung her arms round my neck and I let Michael order the pizza, sitting down with her on the sofa.
"I'm going to do dance, dad,"
"I know, are you excited?"
"I love to dance,"
"And I love to watch you dance,"
She swivelled my wedding ring round my finger, staring straight past me at the sofa. I took her hands and playfully bobbed them up and down, drawing her attention back to me.
"What pizza are we getting?"
"You get a cheese pizza,"
"Yummy!"
"It is,"
"Dad, I know today has been sad, but now we will be happy!"
"I will do my best princess, it's just,"- "when I dance, do I wear tutus?"
"You are so hyper all of a sudden," I hummed, "why don't we do some winding down?"
"I need a poo,"
"Right," I snorted, "then you'd better go for one,"
"Which toilet?"
"Whichever toilet you want,"
She shuffled off my lap and ran to the downstairs bathroom, Michael sitting next to me instead. He looked amused, but shook his head.
"She is gonna struggle in a classroom,"
"At this point, I don't even want her to start school. I don't want her to get put down and then not try, and get made fun of, or told off,"
"We will always help her though,"
"There's so much going on," I breathed out, "some days are just worse than others I suppose,"
"Dad," Alexis said, running back through with dripping wet hands, "I love you,"
"You ran back to tell me?"
"Yeah, it was important,"