Chapter 47
Bay
Evan stands in front of Ema in a protective stance.
He clutches the hem of her shirt with his right hand, and in his left he holds tight to his trusty teddy bear. Had I been an invader, I'd be real scared of that teddy bear. I push the thought of his menacing teddy bear aside as my blue eyes flick between them. Before I can speak, tears of relief fall down my cheeks. They're still here. Mom took care of them. I don't know to what extent, but they're still alive after four months of my absence.
I get down on my knees, staring at each one of them before half-laughing, half-sobbing. The seven year old's run up to me and throw their arms around my neck. I gladly return the embrace, kissing each one of them on the cheek.
"Oh it's so good to see you." I whisper.
"Mom said you were dead." Evan pipes up.
My grasp loosens on them. "What?"
"The day you left, disappeared, Mom said you were never coming back."
"Why would she say that?"
"Because she's Mom. What other explanation is there?" Ema says.
I raise my brows at my sister before smirking a fraction. Damn, I raised her well. I am proud only for a second before I realize what this means.
"They held a funeral service?"
Ema nods. "The Jotunn Warriors were there. One said you were still alive."
"Just one?"
"Said he saw you traveling in a van," Evan replies.
"That was a while ago, sweetheart." I stroke his cheek. "He easily could have been mistaken."
"But we knew he wasn't mistaken. Because you promised you'd be back," Ema whispers.
I stare at her before I break down in tears once again, grasping them both tight. That is, until I hear the most familiar voice of all.
"Baylee?"
Every fiber of my being tenses up. Casper must sense it because he walks up to me and helps me to my feet. The twins look back at Mom and shrink back.
"What're you doing home?" I swallow bile.
"Extended time off for the loss of a loved one." Grace, my mom, replies.
"You knew I wasn't dead." I retort.
"I didn't know that. I knew you left, but it's been months, Baylee! I had to report you missing! It was your damn father all over again."
I go to approach her but Casper holds me back.
Mom's eyes flick from me to him, lingering on him for a moment longer. "I know you," she extends a bony index finger towards Bunk. She's even thinner than when I left her. Her health continues to rapidly decline, and it's all her own doing.
I look up at Casper to see he's gone pale.
"You're uh, Lord who is it?" She snaps her fingers. "You're Elijah's friend," she rubs her cheek. I can smell the alcohol on her from here.
We all stare at her uncomfortably before she snaps her fingers again and points at him. "Bunk."
"How do you know him?" I frown at her, suddenly feeling defensive of the young man I've grown overly fond of these past four months.
"I knew his mother. Rosita, was it? You wouldn't remember Bay. We were good friends. Casper, isn't it? Yes, that's right. After your mom died, you and Arris moved to—"
"Mom. I think he gets it."
She glares at me before pointing to Ridge, who stands there in his Jotunn suit. "Why is one of them in our house?"
I look to him and realize he doesn't have a helmet. This is the first time my family has seen what is underneath the helmets of a Jotunn. I'm pretty sure my heart stops.
"Wait," she looks to the twins, dumbfounded as realization clearly dawns on her. "Why don't you two go up to your room? Mama will be there soon."
Evan and Ema glance between all of us as if unsure before doing as told, disappearing up the stairs. Mother doesn't speak until she's sure they have closed the door to their room.
"What the hell is that? A human in a Jotunn suit? Baylee that isn't in the least bit humorous!"
"Mom. Before you go off on a rant, let me tell you what's beneath the helmets of a Warrior."
She freezes. Even in her drunken state, she knows what is under there. She's looking at it now.
"He's a—"
I nod. "Yes."
"How?"
"They take people that have died and use this suit to reboot their systems. It provides a heartbeat for them. I don't know how observant you've been, but Jotunn have voices that are deeper than humans. They are also considerably taller. Their human voices are extracted upon death and replaced with a more mechanical voice that makes the voice unrecognizable. If you study our ally, Peak, here—"
"Ridge," he interrupts.
I roll my eyes into the back of my head. "If you study Ridge, you will see the scar on his throat, indicating they took his voice. The only reason he is remotely friendly is he has yet to be fully converted, making him still human to some extent."
Grace's face lights up and immediately I sense her next question.
"That means Kole is out there!" She squeals with delight, hugging me as tight as she can.
"Mom—" I croak. I look to Casper.
"Ms. Zachary." Casper clears his throat. "You're going to want to sit down for a moment."
+++
Her face changes from sheer delight to absolute terror. She doesn't know what we are about to tell her, but I'm sure she suspects he is guaranteed dead. The only part she won't be able to predict is how he died and who killed him. I'm pretty sure after she hears the news she will die of a broken heart. It's ironic to me that after he died all she did was talk bad about him. But when there is a chance that he might be alive, she's the happiest woman on earth. It's as if those hateful words she said about him never left her mouth.
Once she sits down, I officially feel like hurling. I sit across from her at our dining room table. I take a moment to glance back at Casper and Ridge. Casper comes up behind me and places his hands on my shoulders. I say nothing, I can't. Even if I could, what am I supposed to say? How do you start a topic off about killing your own father?
Casper finally releases my shoulders and I take in a deep, shaky breath. My mind races on how to word the words I am preparing to speak. I want to be sensitive, yet firm. I need her to understand that I had no choice in the matter. I need her to know I had no other choice but to kill the man that was once my father, the man who was once her husband. She has to know how much I blame myself, how the scene unfolds within my mind every single second. I count the time, constantly, counting how long it has been since I killed him. These are things she needs to know, things she needs to understand.
But these are the things she'll never understand.
I try to think how to phrase the words that are about to spill from my lips. Do they need to be tender or harsh? How do I go about telling the story without seeming like a complete lunatic?
"I went to California," I begin. "Fresno, to be exact."
"What?"
"California was the—"
"First state to be destroyed," she interrupts, "I know. Fresno the first city there to be eliminated. Why did you go there?" She asks.
"We wanted to know what was underneath their helmets. So we went to their headquarters."
"Go on."
I glance at Casper, whose hands flock back to my shoulders, fingers caressing the nape of my neck.
"As you can see, Ridge is living proof of what lives underneath the Warriors helmets. The thing is, though, they are led by one Jotunn in particular. One Jotunn is in control of all the other Warriors in the country. As I mentioned earlier, Ridge is only remotely kind because he isn't fully converted. However, that isn't the case for every Jotunn. Some after being dead for months become cold-hearted. They kill for sport."
Mama stares at me, swallowing hard. "And Kole was one that killed for fun," she croaks.
I nod. "I saw him. I saw Daddy."
"You did? Is he okay? Oh, God, what I wouldn't do to see him."
My jaw tightens. I feel Casper press his lips to the skin behind my ear, murmuring softly; "Choose your words carefully, Zachary."
I shake my head. "You don't miss him, Mom. You never did."
"What?"
"When he died, you sucked dry a liquor store. You were drunk for his funeral! You told me he didn't deserve to have people honor him. You believed your poisonous lies enough that you made me plan his funeral. Your daughter planned your husband's damn memorial service. You made Evan and Ema suffer because of your drunkenness." I bellow.
"That wasn't exactly what I meant by choosing your words carefully." Casper says beneath his breath.
"Baylee, I don't think you understand. It was the stress of the thought of losing the man I loved."
"Oh, so when you lose someone it's suddenly okay for the spouse to talk shit about them to any and everyone? Huh? Is that it?"
"Baylee Areaux, that's enough—"
"No, it's not enough! It'll never be enough. Do you know how long I've resented you? Everything you said about Dad, it was a dagger to my heart. I was right, everything I ever said about you. You are a coward. And you know what else? You know what sucks the most? I found Daddy. I found him and I had to be the one who killed him."
Her face drops, mouth closing. "Baylee, I—"
"Save it. You gave up a long time ago, remember? Why bother trying now?"
"Bay." Ridge murmurs from behind me.
I shake my head and look away from my Mom. Casper takes a step back to give me needed room.
"You told me I had three kids to raise, that day," she whispers after ongoing minutes of silence.
"Yeah, I did. And you failed miserably at that. Stuck to treating us like dogs. Alcohol was your number one priority. You know, after all this time, I've decided you're right."
"Right about—about what?"
"That I am an idiot."
"Bay, I didn't mean it—"
"Let me finish!" I shout, slamming my hand down violently.
She nods, shrinking back in her chair.
"I was—I am—an idiot for believing that you could be my Mother when I needed you most."
She purses her lips.
One hundred eighty-nine seconds pass before she finds the courage to talk once again.
"You found Dad, huh?"
"Yeah," I say flatly.
"Why'd you kill him?"
"It was either him or me. I should've let myself be the one to die. Would have saved you a lot of trouble."
"Bay," she sighs and smooths back her hair, tucking it into her bun. "I don't want you dead."
"Then why did you tell the twins I was dead?"
"They wanted answers."
"So you lied them? Yeah, great plan, Mom."
"I've lied to you, alright?" She shouts abruptly, eyes full of tears.
I fall silent.
"I—your father, he tried to get me to tell you the truth a long time ago. From when you were old enough to understand and interact. But I was, I am, exactly what you say I am. I was a coward. I am a coward. And it takes me losing Kole to discover that for myself."
"What are you talking about?" I breathe.
"Bay, your father and I were married for nine, almost ten years before you came along," she ponders on what to say, much like I had when breaking the news about Dad to her.
"We married young, which I know you are aware of. Young love was, and is so stupid. But New York was different back then. For those painful, long, dreaded ten years, we tried for a baby. I had countless miscarriages and it left me broken hearted.
"We didn't know why I couldn't conceive, so we decided to go to the doctor and have tests run. We had a fertility test run and discovered I was barren. The doctor told me I could keep trying, but to not expect a pregnancy any time soon. At least, a successful pregnancy, that is.
"We were heartbroken. In New York, it's a major deal to carry on the family name. Especially so in the Zachary line. All but one of Kole's siblings had children, and his parents shunned that one, Aunt Korri, for never conceiving.
"Again, you know that in New York your spouse is chosen for you, so Korri never loved her husband. Therefore she never wanted to bear his children. But I, regardless of what I have ever said, I loved and still do love your father more than anything. I need you to know that."
"Mom, you aren't making any sense," I say, my stare far more than intense.
Mom shakes her head. "The doctor called us back four months later to tell us of a new organization for adoptive services. We were skeptical to even consider it due to the name it had—Jotunn Born Care—but I wanted a child so bad.
"The doctor further explained to us that JBC wasn't dangerous. It was children found without parents, left in a house because their parents died. They said they were not of any harm to anyone, since they were not true Jotunn. Just children left to fend for themselves because their parents died at the hands of the Warriors. He strongly advised we go and check the facility out and just see.
"Now, it took Kole a lot of convincing, but I got us there. The woman, Hallie, was kind and sweet and showed us around the JBC facility. The last room she showed us was where they kept all the babies.
"Regardless of what state the JBC facility was located in, the babies always wore white, since they represented Jotunn Born. To the staff, it just seemed appropriate to do so.
"I walked in and instantly laid eyes on this breathtaking baby girl. Pale complexion, a head full of thick, dark, black hair, and eyes closed shut. I knew then and there I wanted this baby."
"It was me, wasn't it?" I say through tears, shaking my head.
I wasn't a Zachary. I never was a Zachary. They lied to me, all this time. So who am I?
She nods. "Your dad noticed you instantly and agreed that we needed to take you home. We asked Hallie about you and her entire demeanor changed. She said you were a different child that needed more attention than the other babies. She proceeded to tell us you were found abandoned directly outside the Jotunn Facility, bloodied as if you were never bathed. You were at least wrapped in a cloth, she told us. And on the cloth, stitched in to the fabric, was your initials."
"What are they?" I croak, heart racing.
"B. H. A."
I close my eyes, feeling Casper lay his hands on my shoulders.
"They don't know the name, but they told us we could name you whatever we wanted to. Bay, I need you to know we never thought we'd have Evan and Ema."
"So I was just convenient at the time, is that it?" I growl under my breath, sobbing as I clutch at the hem of my shirt.
"No, sweetheart, that isn't it at all! We love you the same as we love the twins. You're my first born child, and you always will be. Blood-related or not."
"No! You don't love me and you never have!" I shout, leaping forwards and grabbing her by the collar. "Enough lies, Grace, I'm sick of your damn lies!"
She flinches as I knock her from her chair and press her against the wall. My nostrils flare with sudden anger.
"I'm not lying. I know I should have told you sooner."
"You think?" I spit.
I feel Casper and Ridge prying at my hands, trying to get me off of her. I hear small voices and become aware the twins are watching the chaos between me and Mom once again. Some things never change.
"Baylee, please."
"What was my mother's name!" I scream in her face, my body getting pulled off of hers.
"We don't know! Her name started with an R! R. M. A. was her initials! That is all we know!"
I shout obscenities at her as Casper grasps my shirt collar and tugs me against him. I sob uncontrollably and pound my fists against his chest.
Ridge assists my 'mother' back to her feet, helping dust herself off. I can't control myself. I shake with rage, wanting nothing more than to kill her. My head swims, eyes wigging out. My head throbs, tunnel-vision becomes apparent as various shapes in vibrant colors cloud my sight. I push hard against Casper, murmuring curses beneath my breath.
"Bay, it's okay. Alright?" He whispers to me.
It's not okay. It's anything but okay.
I don't know who I am anymore.
I push away from Casper in order to keep him safe from what I am about to do. I can't control myself, not anymore.
"Ridge." I croak, "Step away from her please."
"What?" Casper says in confusion.
"You." I say through a strangled sob.
"Bay?" Casper stares at me, grabbing at my arm.
"You will."
"No." I hear Ridge murmur.
"Bay, it's okay!" Casper repeats but it has no effect. "Bay listen to me!"
Without any control I say three words that I never thought I'd hear myself say. Three words I heard so many times on the trip to California and back to New York. Three words I've only ever heard Jotunn Warriors say.
I try to swallow them but they escape my mouth as I shove out of Casper's grip and face Grace fully. Those three words that I fear more than anything. I don't know what comes over me, but my mouth moves against my will. I can't control it. Those final three words spill out of my mouth. I don't want to say them, but I do. I can't stop it, I can't control it, I have no choice but to let it happen.
I am no longer in control. I am no longer myself as those fateful words trickle out. I have lost myself and I fear I will never be found.
"You. Will. Bow."