Serilda
The waves crashed the shore surrounding me with the scent of the ocean as I sat on the curb of the small cottage with a cup of tea. I had never liked tea but lately, I had been hooked on this one herbal tea. The woman at the shop had told me that it would be able to heal my broken heart. The truth was I just wanted to believe that someone would be able to heal me but only I could heal me.
Three weeks had passed ever since I left it all behind. I never followed up with what happened and what didn't. I had played my part and that is where it all ended for me. I was no longer Serilda Erik Reed. I wasn't any longer a wife, a daughter, or a lover. I was just me. No one could blame me any longer. I had done what I did and that was what was all for me. All I knew was that I had a lost a part of me. I had lost myself somewhere in between in my parents' expectations and that of society. I had been playing this game of tug between myself and what was expected of me. Everything that should have defined me had been replaced by what the society had accepted of me. I wanted to blame the people, blame Erik, my parents, Serena, Nathaniel for all that had happened to me. But at the same time, I wanted to even blame myself. I had played an equal hand in my sufferings. My biggest fault was not believing not in myself. Maybe it had been the downfall or maybe not. I couldn't tell because it was the past, I no longer had to look upon every other second.
I had loved Aaron first. Then I had tried to love his brother Erik but I what I got in return was not love. I was raped. There was no other word I could replace it with. Erik might have not remembered what he had done but sadly I had. The hardest part for me had been to accept reality. I was raped. I had miscarried my first child. I had been treated the rough hand in my marriage. That had what happened to me. Then I had fallen in love with Nathaniel. The reason had I fallen in love with him was simple. He was the only person whom I had talked about everything. Somewhere in between those therapy sessions and execution of my plans, I had opened myself to him. The secrecy, the forbidden him and the intimacy we had shared had lulled me into him so desperately that for mere moments he had become my anchor until I understood that all we had was a lie. Or there was a man who had outsmarted me in my own game. Him knowing all about me had been the turning point for us for me to feel betrayed and hurt to a new level. All because I had made the mistake of falling for him.
And that is why I had to step away from everyone, even myself.
I had relieved my whole life within a month.
I had been hurt, played, betrayed, raped, abused, lied to and in this all only one person had been good enough to love me.
Aaron had loved in his way. He had saved me, pulled me from my grief but more than that he had been there when I had needed him which had been the only thing that mattered to me.
In this materialistic world there had been not enough time and space but he had found both for me.
He had prioritized me.
He had made sure that I came first for him and that was enough. I might have not been his first date or kiss but for me, nothing mattered. I didn't even care about being his first love. All I cared was about that right now at that moment when I had needed him, he had put me first and everything else aside. He had come for me.
He is my first love and that was all mattered. Him loving me and me loving him mattered nothing else did.
Ever since I had landed here in Italy, I had put a lot of thought on my life and what all happened.
Three weeks had been enough. More than enough. I had sum up twenty-five years of my life and written it down on a diary. I had relived everything from the beginning of my life. Felt the good the bad and though the bad had exceeded the good, right now in this moment I was happy. I was calm, relieved and above all in love. I had healed myself.
Now all I had to let go of the past. The past is like a dead weight. You can't change it. You can't run from it. It is always going to be right there with my present but I had to let it go from affecting my present. That is why I had been here. Sitting at my curb with my past right beside me in the diary where my darkest moments penned down. The biggest thing I was leaving behind me was the feeling of being a victim. I had been a victim of society. I had been all alone and scared with no one to help me. Today I was leaving behind my feeling of being a victim. I was no longer of a victim of my past, fate and the society. Today the victim side of me would be dying because it was nothing but only dead weight for me. I couldn't carry it all around me everywhere and it was no longer worth carrying.
Everyone has a past I had one too but I no longer cared about me because I had only two eyes. One was seeing the present and the other was dreaming about the future. There was no place for the past but it will always be what made me. I can never what had happened but I could let it go with it I would be let going of all the emotions I had carried all around. My life would start over again. The Sun will rise again and set too but I would feel a little lighter, a little happier and a little more loved.
Setting the cup aside I looked at the sun. It was time. Holding the diary to my dear life I stood up and walked to the shore. Looking at the waves all I could think of how strong they were. They crashed down on the shore. They crashed but still, the water went back and came back forcefully. They rose higher with every crash. They were undefeatable. The same thing I should be.
I stood there for a minute letting my feet sink in the sand. Another wave crashed and splashed me with water.
I looked at the colors of the sky and it was beautiful. The night was coming. The dark pushing in, the orange, red and yellow mixing up going away with the sun.
Opening up the diary I tore off the pages of my life and threw them away. Let the waves wash them away. I watched the waves taking away the pages. The ink dissolving in the water. I tore every and each page of the diary and in the end, I threw it all away. Even the pen that I had written it all down with.
I saw the waves bringing back the pages. It felt like my past didn't want to leave me but that was where I was wrong. The pages were there but the ink was gone. The pages that came back were blank and it brought a different kind of calm me. My past had really washed away. The waves had wiped away my past and gave me back the pages to write my life again.
This time I would write it to be filled with happiness and love.
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This is not the last chap. :)