The human mind is a very dark and mysterious place with many secrets. In our psyches, we keep dark parts of ourselves hidden from the rest of the world. Fetishes that go against the norm...secrets we vowed never to tell a soul...the names of those we hate most...the thoughts that we tell ourselves are wrong but feel so right to think. The twistedness which is the human consciousness is what we try to keep at bay in the cloaked depth of our fractured selves.
Like a prison made of flesh and bone, the prisoners are those dark parts of ourselves. Locked in their cells known as the sins we wish to indulge in, they rot and corrupt our fragile states. Temptations become addictions and desires turn to lust. Before long the innocent minds we owned as children turn into the fucked-up ones that bind us to our own personal hells as adults. In turn, much like those horrid thoughts, we become twisted and ultimately made into our own prisoners.
We become shackled like rabid animals chained to a stone wall. We growl and snarl, snapping and frothing from the mouth. Our minds and bodies become less our own and more of someone else's. Someone we both recognize and don't know all at once. We see our reflections and recognize them as our own, but we don't know them. We don't know ourselves.
That's what hell awaits.
I squeeze my eyes shut and exhale sharply, feeling the keen breeze blow around me. After all this time, I thought I'd learn to make peace with my own demons, but the tricky bastards continue to torment me. They hold my memories in front of me and turn them into wishful fantasies, taunting me with 'what if's?'.
The what if's...
What if that hadn't happened? What if my family would have been kinder? What if I would have stood up for myself? What if I could have had my own say? What then? How would my life differ? It may be selfish, but I do imagine it every now and then. I sit in the dark and stare at a clock, the images of the could be in my head indulging my fractured hopes.
However, in the end, it is all what it is. The past can't be erased or changed. What has happened has already been engraved in the sands of time. I can go over it as much as I want and torture myself with every possibility, but there's no going back. The 'what if's' will always just be that. A bunch of 'what if's'.
I let out another huff and drop my stare to the clock across from me. Eleven fifty-nine. Just one more minute until midnight. Just one more minute until all those horrible memories I've tried to bury burst from their graves and try to smother me. I ball my hands into fists, digging my nails into my palms as I bite down on my lower lip. My heart is racing against my sternum, my pulse strumming in my ears. Anxiety washes over me as I watch and wait for the clock to change.
Thump, thump. Thump, thump. Thump, thump.
My throat is dry, and my body is trembling, but I'm not cold. I wish I were. I wish I were cold because I'm sweating. An unknown heat has wrapped me in its clutch, suffocating me. I'm burning up and my limbs feel like Jell-O. My stomach is knotting, and my breathing is growing shallow.
Thump, thump. Thump, thump. Thump, thump.
Every year is the same. The bile wants to rise from my stomach, but I have to swallow it. It's been this way since the start. And right on cue, I can feel my gut try to lunge. My mouth wants to unleash the hell that bubbles within my stomach, but I fight it. I keep my lips sealed and keep my eyes on that clock.
Midnight.
It's midnight. It's midnight, marking three years since my life crumbled before my very eyes. Three years of prying myself up out of bed every day. Three years of telling myself to keep pressing on. Three years of acting like everything's just fine. Lies, pain, and heartbreak. That's what these three years have held.
And maybe, just maybe, this is why I have mixed feelings about Valentine's Day.
**Ello lovelies! Another little look into Y/N's mind. Valentine's Day seems to be a bitter day for her. Any guesses as to why? Feel free to take a gander! Also, please remember that I'll be collecting questions for the Fun Facts section at the end of this project. Feel free to ask whatever in the comments if ya want! As always, thank you so super duper much for everything! Wuv yous!! <3**
-Noel Ross
P.S. "Hit" by Seventeen (their newest song at the time of typing). Has nothing to do with the chapter. I just really like it. <3