(Bennett)
"B? I know you're in there. Please open up." Jaxon begged.
I couldn't. It hurt too much. He would never understand what it felt like to hear those words fall from the lips of your mate, or someone you knew would be. And the hurt multiplied if you were already in love with that person.
Jaxon had turned sixteen weeks ago, and it was confirmed that my twin was his mate. Bentley was ecstatic and couldn't wait until our birthday to feel the bond. And since our birthday was now only days away, Bentley was beginning to feel a pull toward Jaxon.
It happened if mates were close before they turn sixteen. Naturally, we knew that said person would be our mate.
So what went wrong with me?
I was feeling the pull of the mate bond, my sixteenth birthday just around the corner. I was his mate. I knew it. He knew it because he was older by at least three months.
He'd known for that long and all this time, he thought so lowly of me? His words stung.
Even if he didn't say it directly to my face, hearing it hurt just as much. I can't believe this is the guy I'd been madly in love with the last six or seven years.
It happened in the gym. I was never going to confess my feelings for him for two reasons. I didn't want to embarrass myself if he didn't feel the same way. And second, I'd rather have him as a friend than make him disgusted or hate me.
But looks like I didn't need to try either way.
Chester saw me as nothing. I wasn't important to him.
We'd been in the training studio, Jaxon and I, practicing a few offensive and defensive moves, sparring back and forth. The training studio had an adjoining workout room, and then on the other side was the locker rooms and showers. To get to the showers, I would have had to pass by the gym.
And I did.
And regretted ever eavesdropping. But the sound of his voice was like a siren's song to my ears, and unknowingly, I had drifted toward the source, straying off path and ducking behind the wall from where Chester sat at a pec deck machine.
While he worked out, he was conversating with another Black Rock pack mate, and unfortunately, one of my bullies. But thankfully, he was one of the few who didn't throw punches. Just sharp words that cut deeper than any blade or bullet.
"I forgot to ask," Seth- the bully- began, making Chester glance up at him for a split second.
I didn't pay much attention to their conversation, too focused on how amazing Chester looked, his expression contorted in concentration. A sheer coat of sweat covered his neck, shoulders, making his biceps pop every time he drew the bars closer.
It was too much for my heart.
"Some of the guys were wondering if you'd found your mate. I mean, you don't act like it and we sort of had this going bet between you and Jaxon."
Chester laughed but his concentration didn't break. I was all ears now.
At that moment, I felt something bubble up in me that captivated my focus drawing me to pay close attention.
"What exactly is this bet?"
"That you and Jaxon would find your mates at sixteen. Jaxon did. I'm kind of betting on you too." Seth admitted, and I frowned.
Really? That's what they do in their spare time? If they're not targeting Bentley and me, training, or sleeping around like a bunch of whores, they're making bets on who's gonna be whose mate. They really need to get hobbies.
Chester chuckled, bringing his workout to a halt. He got up and moved to another machine, this one a leg press machine.
"You guys need to find something more entertaining to do with your time."
I silently chuckled.
"But did you?" Seth prodded, plopping down on the bench nearby as Chester set the weights and laid down to begin his next workout.
I waited, listening patiently and ignoring Jaxon's impatience. I wanted to hear his response, and for some reason, it felt imperative to hear.
We were mates, I felt it. And he was already sixteen. There's no way he would lie about it, right?
"Unfortunately." His reply came moments later, and my heart plummeted to the pit of my stomach.
What did that mean? Was he not happy?
"Is she hot?" Seth pushed, a grin splitting his face. By now, Jaxon was also eavesdropping. Perhaps the bit about Chester finding his mate had finally made the impatience subside.
"It's not a she. My mate's a guy." Chester corrected. Seth was silent for a moment before he spoke again, arms raised in surrender.
"Not discriminating, man. But why is it unfortunate? You found your mate. That's awesome!" Seth exclaimed, far more thrilled by the news than the other boy.
Chester expelled a deep breath, taking on a sitting position, putting yet another pause to his workout.
"Yeah, it would be if it had been anyone else or the one guy I actually wanted." he retorted, raking his fingers through his dark hair in a frustrated manner. My heart sunk lower.
Seth frowned. "Who exactly is your mate?"
Chester chuckled, the sound cold and void. "Out of every unmated wolf in Black Rock Canyon, I get stuck with Bennett Reid."
So we are mates, and he didn't want me. And I was no longer ecstatic about turning sixteen and finding my mate. He'd sneered my name like a curse. Like a I was a disease. A nuisance.
"I'd rather be mated to his sister or stay unmated than accept him. Now that the one guy I want is unavailable." he added, successfully crushing my hopes of ever being with him.
"So what?" Seth started, a slightly irritated edge to his tone. "You're going to reject him or something?" Seth's tone was angry now, and he sneered the word 'reject' as though it were the foulest thought.
"Maybe."
My eyes were stinging, my breathing coming in shallow.
"Why?" Seth pushed, his tone growing more irritated. I wouldn't blame Seth for getting mad. His dad rejected his mother for another wolf and eloped with her when Seth was just about twelve.
"He's weak. I can't have a mate like that. I'm supposed to be the next beta." Chester argued, his tone getting irate as he ranted. Seth tried to maintain a blank face, but every few moments, disappointment broke through.
Who knew that Seth, the bully, would show such conflict over one of his victims?
"Bennett is supposed to be the next fourth-in-command. The elite pack warrior. Instead he fights like a frightened kid afraid of his own shadow. He continues like that; he'll make us a joke to other packs." my 'mate' continued raging.
"We're still pretty young, Chester. Most challengers for the fourth-in-command rank don't make a move until they're at least twenty." Seth reasoned.
Chester scoffed coldly. "That's not the point. Fact is, he's weak. He doesn't carry himself and act like a fourth-in-command is supposed to. He has zero confidence, and most of the time, acts like a scared mouse. Not to mention, he doesn't stand up for himself. He just lets people walk all over him. That's not someone I want to be mated to."
"So, if he got stronger and gained confidence, you might not reject him." Seth clarified. Chester only shrugged his shoulders.
"It won't matter either way. I don't want him as my mate. Strong or weak, scared mouse or not. He isn't important to me."
"Aren't you friends, though?" Seth queried, confusion etching his features and lacing his tone.
"No, not really." Funny. I thought all that time we spent together over the last six or seven years, meant we were. "The only reason I hang out with him, is because Jaxon hangs out with him. Kind of difficult getting Jax alone when he's always dragging those two along."
My heart shattered at that. He was using me? All of that just to get to my best friend?
I couldn't listen anymore. I left the gym and ran straight to the shower area and locked myself in one of the toilet stalls. I heard Jaxon calling and running after me. His running came to a halt, his calls for me turned to pleas for me to get out of my hiding place.
My heart was breaking. I couldn't look anyone in the eye right now, let alone, Jaxon, Chester or even Seth. Because now they knew what I know too.
My mate didn't want me. He didn't think me worthy of being his.
"B?" Snapping my focus back to reality, I turned to the sound of Jaxon's concerned voice to find him gently shaking my shoulder. "You blanked out. What were you thinking about?" he asked, eyebrows pinched as he discreetly touched his eye.
"Nothing." I lied, reaching up to wipe away the stray tear that managed to escape. I wasn't there in that toilet stall, crying my heart out. I was in Jasper Falls, at school, sitting with friends during lunch.
Seated around me were Jaxon, his mate, Tucker and the human boy he seemed to follow just about anywhere, Jason and Zain. They knew well I was lying but chose not to say anything. Though Tucker's expression said plenty given that he was scrutinizing the shit out of me.
Not in a bad way. Just that he knew the memory that surfaced had to have been bad.
"I'm fine. Really." I assured, glancing down at my phone that vibrated on the table top. It was a message from Tucker.
'Got a hit. We'll talk after lunch'.
All through lunch, I felt eyes on me and only after searching for the source did it lessen.
Two people made it a habit to stare at me, though they sat at opposite ends of the lawn at different tables. The first person I noticed was Teddy.
Yeah...right...
He's still here. You would think this cunt actually had a heart and cared about his father even a modicum. I truly felt sorry for Teddy's father. That man was a real soldier, braving the brunt of punishment for his piece of shit son.
When Teddy's involvement in Asher and Laken's kidnapping was proven, he was spared punishment because once again, his father took the brunt of it agreeing to service hours of hard labor to Marcana for however long the pack saw fit. The only other reason he was allowed to stay in Jasper Falls was because his old man literally begged the council not to have Teddy exiled.
And yet, Teddy seemed ungrateful. It came apparent to me that he was the type of person to learn things the difficult way. Get a dose of harsh reality and step up.
If so be it, I'll gladly teach him. I'm patiently biding my time until I could finally wipe him from existence. He deserves worse, though.
After sending a shriveling glare his way, he finally backed down and found something else to interest himself, also known as the brunette girl, he was hitting up. I turned to search for the second source, and no surprise there to find Carter Hayes intently watching my every move.
Gods, he's so weird!
Carter grinned and waved, ecstatic that I'd acknowledged his staring. I only raised an eyebrow and returned my attention to the people seated around me.
I decided to distract myself and actually pay attention to the conversation, chipping in here and there as a way of preventing my mind from wandering. It's why I remembered that awful memory.
Where it had all started.
Fucking fool I was to think he'd change his mind.
The rest of lunch went by with no more 'interactions' and our casual banter and friendly arguments moved along proving to be the perfect distraction. The bell went, signaling the end of the period and the resumption of teaching.
Jaxon and I stayed back with Jason and Zain, passing it off as idle student loitering.
Typical teenage stuff.
Asher escorted Syl to his class, and it had been this way ever since. It was the sub's way of ensuring the human made it safely to his class without being hassled by one idiot Brent Harper or any freshman punks. As of late, that had been Tucker's job since he tailed Syl almost anywhere the little dude went.
But not today.
"They're in Pymbrooke Creek." Tucker informed once the coast was clear.
They were in the neighboring town which was only about one third the size of Jasper Falls that was home to fifty percent oblivious humans and fifty percent rogue to rogue alliances. The town had a population density of next to nothing, but that wasn't the frightening bit.
Black Rock Canyon ran the northeast border of Jasper Falls which bordered that small town. It was imperative we had strict security which is perhaps why Hunter made the excellent call for upgrades that followed a similar blueprint of Ivy Rose's security system.
Pymbrooke Creek was the perfect dead beat town to set up a fugitive camp for the lawless evil. I mean, seriously, even the mascot for their public school was just disturbingly terrible. An orange silverback makes no fucking sense!
"So, what's our next move?" Jaxon asked.
"Well, we can't attack so soon after they settle. That'll just tell them that there's a mole in their ranks and we have two." Tucker informed.
"We can't just sit back and do nothing." Jaxon argued and I rolled my eyes, patting his shoulder for him to calm down.
"You're both right, but we need to play it carefully. It'll minimize the chances for casualties."
"Which is why," Zain started, "we lay low for now. We figured it was best to inform you of their whereabouts in case they launched an attack against Black Rock. It would take nothing for them to creep over the town line."
Like I said.
"You guys are still upgrading your security plans, right?" Jason questioned, and Jaxon and I nodded.
"We broke ground over the weekend." Jaxon informed.
"And Marcana?" Tucker queried, raising an eyebrow. He knew I'd been assigned to help with Marcana's upgrades. I nodded. The wire fencing the pack had previously been working on- which we moved to the border line- was already halfway complete and the inner primary security fence was already being installed on the opposite side of the territory.
We kept it two hundred meters apart, both fences. On Sunday, while we waited for the arrival of all the material the pack had ordered for construction, we had busied ourselves cutting down the necessary amount of trees. It saved the pack costs too, since we reused some of that lumber and integrated it into the plan for the checkpoint booths.
I mean, they were already throwing in labor costs for us Black Rock wolves.
"Lance informed us that they're somewhere near the woodland area where most of the town's rogue residents are." Tucker continued.
How fitting! We'll have some trouble getting to their hiding place if Tobias decides to outsource help from Pymbrooke Creek's rogue population.
"Well, keep us posted. Any developments do let us know. We'll pass on the information to Hunter." Jaxon said, gathering his book bag as he stood up. I followed after him, simply because we had the same class now.
"Seriously, I can't wait until we start killing them off." Jaxon added in a huff, eliciting chuckles from Jason and Zain. Tucker only shook his head.
By the time we made it into the school halls, Jaxon was digging around in his bag, eyebrows pinched in frustration. There weren't a lot of students milling about the hallway. Carter was milling about near his locker as though waiting for someone, his face lighting up when he saw me.
Okay. It was me he's waiting for.
And following somewhere behind us simply because Jason couldn't shut up, were also Tucker and Zain telling him to shut up.
"Crap!" Jaxon cursed, drawing my attention. "I left my textbook in my locker."
"You can use mine."
He shook his head. "No, I left my homework in there too. I'll meet you in class."
How about no?
Ever since I came back to school, people have been staring and whispering. Some assholes even found it funny to call me names and joke about my addiction. I'd rather not face inconsiderate assholes by myself. And worse, Hayes was also in this class. And my sister.
It was too much to deal with all at once. The demeaning jeers, my sister landing the blow where it really hurt and on top of that, I'd have to see Hayes knowing he was partly responsible for why it got so out of hand.
It's bad enough Hayes was still stood by his locker and I could feel his gaze burning into my back.
"B, you can go. I'll meet you there." Jaxon said reassuringly when he realized I was still trailing behind him.
"It's okay. I'll stay with you."
Jaxon expelled a deep breath but shrugged. I knew he wasn't fed up of me or anything. He just didn't like that I was keeping secrets from him. Well, it's too bad.
He might be my best friend and I may trust him with my life, but I don't trust him enough to say he won't hurt me again.
"Will you ever tell me?" he asked once we'd reached his locker and he was already getting his math text out.
I only shook my head, but I didn't miss the hurt that flashed in his eyes.
"It's alright. You don't have to." he tried smiling it off.
And really, it was alright. What happened to me was my burden alone to bear. He didn't need to know about it, take it on and feel bad. He already dealt with enough and finally got his happy ending. I'm not about to destroy that.
"Yo, Reid!"
My jaw clenched and my eyes immediately took to the floor.
Don't get mad.
Just breathe.
I tried to focus on my breathing and staying calm instead of taking on the buffoon just trying to rile me.
Bullies do nothing for your anxiety, Bennett. Just ignore him.
Even if you want to kill him.
I recited it like a mantra, noting that Jaxon was suddenly hustling to get his stuff in order as if he couldn't wait to get away fast enough.
"Heard you tested high for psychosis. Can't believe they let you out because personally I don't think you've been cured."
Psychosis?
What I struggle with and what the rumors say are two different things.
What truly gave people the right to make up such terrible rumors about someone else? Are people really that sickening? That they'd find joy in another's suffering. Are people truly that selfish? What the hell do they get out of it?
Maybe I should ask Hayes.
"Just ignore him." Jaxon encouraged, steering me the other way and in the direction of our class. We'd barely made it far enough when someone suddenly clamped their hand down on my shoulder.
I reacted purely on instinct, my skin already beginning to crawl. I suddenly felt dirty and needed to get rid of whomever was touching me. Turning about, I grabbed hold of Teddy and twisted his arm behind his back.
Jaxon cursed but it didn't register until Teddy's head connected with the metal lockers. Once. Twice. Thrice.
Four times.
He slumped against the locker, sliding to the floor, his head sporting a noticeable gash with blood matting his hair and dripping down the side of his face.
"Don't you ever fucking touch me again, you piece of shit!" My adrenaline was pumped, and I didn't care about the consequences. I'd been biding my time until it was guaranteed I finish the bitch for good. But Teddy seemed eager to get killed.
I moved forward, balling my fist to connect with his face. His head slammed against the locker, his nose bursting and breaking beneath my fist as blood began to pour. His nose was now twisted.
His head popped forward from the force of the impact, coming in contact with my knee.
"Piece of shit! I'll fucking burn you, bitch!"
Suddenly, I was pulled away, and surrounded, Jaxon putting himself between Teddy and me. Someone else came up behind and wrapped an arm around my waist and started pulling me away. I was too wrapped up in trying to break free and cursing at Teddy, I didn't recognize the second person until I'd been dragged out of the school and into the parking lot.
"Just breathe." Jaxon was instructing as he held me close while I was dragged further away across the parking lot and to the lawn on the opposite side over to a stone bench.
"Sit down." Tucker ordered.
I complied, not because he said so. But because my knees gave out as a steady tremble settled in. My hands were trembling so bad, my throat constricting and I found it difficult to breathe.
"Bennett, you need to calm down." Tucker said. "Just breathe. Focus on that." I nodded, not trusting my voice not to tremble.
I couldn't let my mind stray back to that time. Those three days I'd spent locked away, scared and too afraid to fight back.
Then, I was so sure I would die. In fact, it was all I wanted. I didn't want to survive those atrocities because for my life, I couldn't think about how to live after suffering what happened in that room.
"Just go." Tucker's voice dragged me back to reality preventing my mind from wandering any further into the past than it already had.
"No-" Jaxon began to protest. I could hear the worry in his voice but was far too afraid to even look at him. If I did, he'd see just how weak I am.
"I've got this handled. Just go to class, Jaxon. Trust me."
He finally backed down and reluctantly inched away toward the three man crowd that had formed near someone's car. The group consisted a concerned Jason, Zain, and not surprisingly, Hayes. Tucker gestured for them to leave.
Carter lingered, his expression torn, between a mixture of worry, uncertainty and clearly wanting to stick around.
"Not you, Hayes. I need your help." Tucker called and almost immediately, a slight smile tugged at Carter's mouth as he tentatively made his way over. I didn't look directly at him, choosing to focus on my trembling hands.
He was partly to blame for these rumors. Things that weren't true, exaggerations of what truly happened dragged on and fanned by him. And I'm just supposed to forget that like he wants me to? All because his guilty conscious was too much to bear?
"Why do you need his help?" I questioned, my voice trembling lightly as I wrung my hands together in hopes to control the shaking. My nerves were rattled and that frightened me. I honestly thought it was under control but all it took was one touch, one simple physical contact to unravel four months of intense therapy and exercises to stay in control.
Or maybe, it had everything to do with the person whom initiated contact.
It had to be.
How many times had Jaxon made physical contact since last Tuesday and not a single reaction? I didn't fly into a rage, hit him, or break down like now.
It was the memory associated with a person and just how deeply that incident had shaken me. How scarred it left me.
Holy shit!
Will I ever be okay?
"I'm not an idiot, B." was all Tucker said before he crouched in front of me. "You've put up with a lot shit your whole life and in the last two years, suffered and coped with more than the average man does in his entire life. You've trusted me in the past to do the right thing, make a right judgement call. Trust me now. Hold his hand."
"I don't need his help!" I snapped sharply, surprised at the strength and conviction in my own voice.
"Yes you do. You just don't want it. I'm not asking you to do much. Just hold his hand. It'll help with your panic attack."
Hayes was now sitting beside me, his arm outstretched, and palm faced upward while he waited for my movement.
"Let me help you." he said softly, his voice full of assurance. Glancing back to my own trembling hands, I realized that no matter what I kept reciting in my mind like a holy mantra, it was doing nothing to curb my panic. And the longer it carried on, the more frightened I became because I was doused with a harsh reality.
I will never be normal.
Reluctantly, I moved my hand closer to his and placed my palm over his. Those little electrical shocks immediately zipped up through my fingers and along my arm, zapping and nipping at every nerve until it consumed me. Steadily, my breathing calmed, my mind slowed, and my heart stopped pounding so loudly as the mate bond worked its magic, suppressing each thought and feeling of violence, disgust, anger, and fear.
Hayes gripped my hand, placing his other over mine and just like that, my panic disappeared.
It became easy to breathe and think, my nerves no longer rattled and the trembling subsided.
I expelled a deep breath ridding myself of the excess anxiety and panic.
"Better?" Tucker queried making me glance over to where he remained crouched in front of me. I felt slightly irritated because he wore a smug smirk.
Stupid Tucker Corbin! Thinks he's so smart. How did he even know about the mate bond between Hayes and me?
"It didn't take much to figure it out. Hayes hasn't exactly been discreet about his lovestruck staring." Tucker admitted, almost as if he'd read my mind. But his answer did leave me curious.
Lovestruck staring? From Hayes?
Flitting my gaze over to said person, he kept his eyes averted, a blush creeping up along his neck and cheek.
Interesting.
"Well," Tucker announced standing, "I'm gonna head to whatever's left of my class." With that, he walked off sporting a confident, self-satisfied grin leaving Hayes and me sitting in a relatively awkward silence.
Awkward because even though my anxiety and panic subsided, he still kept hold of my hand. Awkward because I made no move to escape his grasp simply because I had just experienced one of the miracles of the mate bond. I was almost afraid to let go for fear that the anxiety would return with vengeance, the memory would consume and drive me into a state of panic and ultimately, insane.
But I wanted to know.
"Why did you exaggerate the truth? You know nothing about me."
"Bennett," he breathed, "I really am sorry. I'd take it all back if I could, but I can't. That's why I'm trying to make it up to you."
"You didn't answer my question." I fired, locking gazes with him, my features neutral but voice firm. "Make fun of me, that's different. But exaggerate the truth? What gave you that right?"
He turned his eyes away, refusing to look at me.
"It felt justified, okay." he answered after some time.
How the fuck-
"I figured if maybe I could hit you where it hurt, you'd know how I felt when Kelly rejected me for you."
I snorted at that. "Trust me, Hayes. I don't need you to school me on how much rejection hurts. And I hope the karma feels great." I moved to get up and leave but came to a halt when he didn't let go.
"It doesn't." he replied barely above a whisper, his voice strained almost as though he were truly bothered by it.
Right. I'm not buying that bullshit. I would applaud him though; he's an excellent actor. Worthy of an Oscar or two.
"Good. You can marinate in that because I will never forgive you let alone acknowledge our bond. You can go whine to mommy and daddy or even make my junior and senior years a living hell. I don't care because frankly, you can't do anything to me that's worse than I've endured."
I left him with that, ripping my hand out of his grasp. I walked away without looking back, trying ignore the glimpse of heartbreak I'd seen on his face when I told him off.
I can't afford to put myself in a vulnerable position.
I did it once before, unconsciously, and the price cost me too much. Too many scars, too many memories. Too many nightmares, too much pain.
Personally, I would love there to be a day when I wake up to nothing but happiness. No pain.
But that was a fantasy. A dream meant for someone other than me.