House: You Choose
Blood Status: You Choose
Warnings: Feels/Mentions of Death/ Suicide.
A/N:
Dear Readers,
This chapter is based off of personal experience. I'm aware this is a very sensitive topic and this chapter might make some people uncomfortable or stir up emotions, but I feel this is a very important topic that should be written about. I will also be publishing an author's note in the next few days explaining some stuff about why I wrote this chapter and why I've been gone so long. Please read both, but if you don't feel comfortable with the content, no pressure. I'm sorry I've been gone for so long. Thank you for everything.
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Dear y/n,
I honestly don't know where to begin so I'm just going to keep writing and try to make sense of all this. Actually, I take that back, y/n. I do know what I want to say. It's really complicated and confusing. This is hard for me to do so I'm just going to start writing what I want to say.
Things are different at Hogwarts now. Everyone keeps going about their business like normal, but it doesn't feel real. It feels wrong to act like everything can or should be normal again. You don't need me telling you that things are different now. I mean, of course things are different after a suicide.
I miss seeing you all the time. And it feels like there's a hole. I know that's a cliché and it sounds woefully stupid, but it's the truth. I'm sure a most of Hogwarts feels the same as I do. I hope you know that I miss you wherever you are now, and I hope that this message is getting to you. I've never thought about if I believe in the afterlife or not until now. I'm still going back and forth about it, but I hope it's real because I want you to hear this.
As I go through my day, it doesn't really feel like you're really gone. It's like you're on vacation or at home. Maybe you transferred. You always wanted to try going to Ilvermorny or one of those other schools. I liked that about you. My brain knows you're gone, though.
It makes me sad to think you were that unhappy. You always put on a different front. While we were together, I admired you for your personality. I knew you had your issues, but I didn't want to pry or make you uncomfortable. After all, our romantic relationship was fairly new and we weren't close enough anyway for you to share your innermost secrets and feelings with me yet.
The truth is, I've liked you since second year. It's probably actually first if I really think about it. I was always secretly admiring you from a distance. I loved your laugh and your sense of humor and how you held yourself. You helped me with homework sometimes and were nice to me even though I was a jackass. You were a genuine person who didn't judge me for my shitty actions.
I got the sense you were a bit lonely and in the middle of everything here, but I didn't think I was that serious. I always thought you had it under control and dealt with yourself. I guess it was more serious than I thought because you're gone now. It just never came up in conversations and how are you supposed to check in with people about that sort of stuff? I didn't want to scare you away because I really liked you a lot.
I want you to know that I'll always remember you. I'll remember our conversations for the rest of my life. You were truly an amazing individual. I can still hear you laughing sometimes and it's a bitter sweet comfort.
I've been thinking of the memories we shared. I don't think I had a bad one. We had meals together, we went to Hogsmeade together and got butterbeers. We walked around and laughed at Crabbe and Goyle when they failed at chugging their drinks and it came out their noses. We studied in the library and made potions together. We sat outside in spring and winter and just talked and talked. It makes me sad to think that we'll never ever do that again. It makes me sad to think I'll never see your face again or watch you laugh. I'll never see you smile again.
I remember the day I gave you a necklace for New Years. You smiled and took it from me kindly. You gave me a hug and laughed. After that, I never saw you without it. I got the sense that you might have thought it wasn't your style, but you still wore it. Thank you for that.
I wanted to say that I'm sorry. I should have made more effort to be closer to you. Maybe if I had made more of an effort, you would have been able to tell me what was going on and maybe you'd still be here now and we could share a laugh together again.
I always assumed there'd be tomorrow and I could ease into this relationship slowly. That was a mistake on my part. I wish I could have been there for you. I want to be there for you know, but that's impossible because you're dead. I remember the moment Dumbledore told the school. I remember how I felt. I was sick to my stomach and I started to cry. The tears just kept coming. it was like a waterfall. It didn't feel real, but I knew it was true. You weren't at breakfast. I couldn't stop thinking of your face the day before. You seemed happy then.
I'm not mad at you for doing what you did. I'm just frustrated. I'm frustrated at myself for not being there for you or asking about how you were doing. I'm mad at our teachers for not being there for you. I'm mad at your friend group for not noticing. I'm mad at the world for not being better for you.
When I found out, I was heartbroken. I wanted to find you and give you a hug. I wanted to tell you that I'll be here for you from now on and that I've always cared, but that's meaningless now that you're gone. I wanted to let you cry and tell me everything. I was your boyfriend and I failed.
I wish that you had told someone. Maybe you'd still be here. I wish I had been more there for you. I wish you had stayed and gotten help. I wish you had chosen to stay. I would have really liked that.
I want you to know that I had plans for your future. You were so great. You were kind and I could see us together for the long run. We'd go on dates and hang out together. You'd meet my parents and they'd love you, of course. You were hard not to like. I don't think anyone disliked you. If you left because you thought nobody liked you, that's absolutely untrue. Everyone loved you. Everyone cared. They cared even though they didn't say it. We just thought you knew. Like I said, I liked you since we were little. Our relationship would grow. We'd graduate together and move into adulthood by each others sides. We'd be the greatest together.
When we're in our 20s, we'd move in together. We'd have a flat together. It'd be small, but we wouldn't need much. We'd have a routine. We'd go to work. We'd go on dates. We'd get a pet. I'd want a dog, but you'd want something else and I'd let you get it because I wanted you to be happy. I'd propose and we might get married our friends and family would be happy for us. The wedding would be beautiful. We'd share the future and everyone would know how amazing you were.
If that didn't happen and we broke up along the way, we'd stay friends because we'd be inseparable. You'd find that lucky person in the world that you'd want to have around for the rest of your life. I'd support you and be happy for you all the way. You'd have a good life. No matter if we were together or not, you'd have a job that you'd love. You'd have all those moments kids think about. You'd travel and go amazing places and I'd be there to hear about it. It would make me happy to see that you're having a fulfilling life. We'd share big moments no matter what happened with our relationship together. It's hard to think that none of those moments will happen now.
I remember thinking to myself during 4th year when we were becoming better acquainted that I was glad you were here at Hogwarts. You'd be with me for the rest of my schooling and we'd have time to get to know each other. Before I met you and got closer to you, I was content to be somewhat alone. I had my goons and the other Slytherin guys. They weren't real friends, but I was content to live with no real connection to girls or have meaningful friendships or relationships. You changed that for me. Thank you.
I hope you know how much you meant to me and changed me for the better. I look back and I don't like the person I was. You made me better. Without you, I'd still be lonely and unhappy and I'd be bullying first years. You flipped my world upside down more than you know. I wanted so much for you and I wanted you to thrive. You were such a special person and everyone deserves the chance to reach their full potential, especially a person like you, y/n. I wanted you to thrive so badly. I got the sense you were a really cool person. You were a bit weird in a good way and you had all your quirks. You were kind. I loved you. And I never told you.
I wanted the world for you. You know how when you meet people or know people, you can automatically feel they're special and you wanna be friends with them until the end of time and it only happens when someone is special? That's what I felt when you met me.
It's really sad. I feel like the coolest people are always the ones who have the most trouble.
I wish you had told me. I've been thinking to myself as I go to sleep at night. I've been telling myself that this is just a bad dream. My gut knows it's real, but it's a real life nightmare. I cared for you. I wanted you to live your future. I wanted my future to include you. Now your future won't happen and my fantasies are far fetched.
You'll miss so much and it makes me sad. You'll miss so much that the world has to offer. There are so many things I wanted I tell you. There are so many things I wanted to share with you. Now I won't have the chance. I hope you know how much I cared for you. Everyone cared for you. It breaks my heart that you're gone now and that you ended your own life. It makes me sad to think that you thought this was the end of the road because it wasn't anywhere near over. I'll miss your company. Hogwarts isn't the same.
Next year at the start of school, I'll think of you. You should be there, but you're not. Anyway, thank you for being around the time you were. I'm glad I was part of your life, but I wish there was more of it so we could live it side by side. Everyone else feels the same. Wherever you are, y/n, know that I cared for you and I would have done anything to keep you around. We all would have. Thank you for being my very best friend and the amazing person you were.
Love,
Draco
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This chapter was 1,977 words long. Thank you for reading! Please do read the authors note just after this for some explanations for this chapter and an important message that I think everyone should hear.
If you feel suicidal, lonely, and/or depressed, please tell someone. Even if it seems hopeless, I assure you it's not. If you feel lonely, please tell someone. It's only temporary. There are people who care about you even if things are crappy and feeling alone sucks. Tell someone the truth and get some help because suicide is not a solution. There are so many possibilities for the future and the future can hold amazing things. If you end your life, there won't be one and you'll miss out on amazing moments and new experiences.
Thank you again for reading.
Sending love ❤️,
Soiea