"Maybe we just found forever at the wrong time..."
– Nautica
❀❀❀
~ D O R O T H Y ~
November 1997
Sister Alexa suggests that she and I should walk outside and watch the sunrise together, just like how we used to. I comply half-heartedly. We leave her room at seven in the morning, wrapped in thick brown shawls. As we walk along the muddy path, I look up to see glimmering stars in the clear sky. I recall how I could barely see any stars back in London. A pang of pain shoots through me when memories of the awful ordeal from yesterday flash in my mind.
Squidge, squidge, squidge.
Sister Alexa stops, and so do I. She unfolds a waterproof picnic blanket that she carried all this time and spreads it onto the ground. While she sits down on it comfortably, I choose to lie down with my head resting on her lap. As she brushes my hair with her callous, yet gentle fingers, we watch the sun rising from the horizon, spilling the bright orange into the dark blue sky.
"I really missed this; you and I together like this," I whisper.
"So did I," she replies. "Are you feeling cold? We can go back inside."
"On the contrary, I feel better."
"What are you thinking about?"
There is a pause of silence, during which I bite my lower lip.
"...How impossible it is to move on," I sigh.
"Dorothy, it is not impossible. One day – and I am very sure that the day will come – you will look back on this moment of your life and be glad that you did not choose to give up. Remember, one can regret for giving up, but never for not giving up."
"...But I can't go back to London, Sister Alexa. I will die there if I do go back," I croak, my eyes and nose stinging.
"You have to be strong."
"I don't have any strength left."
"The Dorothy Sherman I know is the strongest person. I believe that you can face London and you will face London."
"But I'm known as Hampton's whore now," I say before I break down crying again, covering my face with my hands. "Even though I'm still a virgin. Heck, I've never even been kissed by a boy!"
Sympathetic, Sister Alexa bends down to wrap me in her arms in an attempt to appease my cries.
"Stay strong, Dorothy. It's only a matter of 6 months. Once you get into Imperial, you will be relieved and grateful that you managed to get through this period with great valour and–"
Her words cut off and she straightens her back. I look at her with a frown. She is looking ahead of her and I follow her line of sight before I pale.
"Dorothy... That car," she whispers.
A pale yellow car is heading towards St. Anne's boarding school at an insane speed. I purse my lips, unable to fathom how I am going to deal with the next obstacle coming my way.
"We should go back," she says, much to my dismay.
***
I wince at the sound of the door being slammed shut. How the car manages to withstand that amount of force without getting a single dent is surprising. Wearing the same outfit as yesterday, mother stomps towards where Sister Alexa and I are standing. Her hair is in a messy ponytail, her face is pale and her green eyes are bloodshot.
Gosh, she looks like she has aged by ten years!
"I can explai-" I begin, but I get interrupted by her.
"I should've known that you are behind this!" mother accuses, pointing accusing finger at Sister Alexa, glaring. "She has been receiving letters from you a lot lately! You're lucky that I didn't involve the police!"
I shake my head with widened eyes.
"N-No! You got it all wrong! Sister Alexa has nothing to do with me coming here," I say to mother.
"Oh I see, you brainwashed my daughter to lie to me," mother says, continuing to glaring at her.
"I'm telling the truth!" I say loudly.
"Stop defending her!" she snaps at me, finally facing me.
"I-I chose to leave London. You have to believe me. Sister Alexa didn't even know that I was coming!"
She stares at me blankly, before she bursts into tears.
"Why?" she yells, covering her face with her trembling hands. "Do you have any idea what I've been through the last 13 hours? I thought you were kidnapped!"
On the inside, I am going insane with the amount of guilt I am feeling right now. Gosh, I really did not think this through. It's like someone threw a whole bucket of complications into my life.
A moment later, after calming down a bit, mother wipes away the tears from her pink cheeks.
"Why did you leave London?" she demands. "What the hell happened?"
"Nothing-"
She grabs my two arms firmly, staring into my eyes strictly.
"Don't lie to me! Tell me the truth right now!" she yells, startling me and Sister Alexa.
"Now Miss Sherman, please calm down," Sister Alexa says for the first time since we encountered mother.
Mother snaps her head at her, looking at her in disbelief.
"Calm down? Calm down?! My daughter was missing for 13 hours, and I find her here with you!"
"I'm sorry. I just... It didn't cross my mind how you would feel... I should have told you," I finally say, whispering.
"That's very selfish of you, Dorothy!" mother snaps, looking at me.
You really are selfish, Dorothy Sherman.
Reece's cold words echo in my head, compelling another pang of pain to shoot through me. Feeling the lump in my throat, I look down at the ground, miserable.
"I'm sorry. I really am," I say with as much sincerity as I can muster.
"Get in the car this instant! We are leaving," she orders, forcing me to look up at her.
"N-No. I'm not ready to go back yet," I say quickly.
"What?" she growls.
She really is intimidating.
"I want to stay here for another week. Please?"
"The hell you are! Get in the car!"
"No."
Furious, mother grabs onto my arm and starts to drag me towards the yellow car. Her grip on my arm is so tight that I bite my lower lip to hold back a sound.
"I am taking you back no matter what!" she says.
"Miss Sherman, you are being a bit unreasonable," Sister Alexa adds, taking a step closer to us.
"Please! I'm not ready to go back–"
"Joanna, let her stay," a familiar, deep voice cuts in.
Mother freezes, and so do I. The three of us turn around. My eyes widen and my lips part when I see the owner of the voice. There, standing right in front of Sister Alexa, is Damien Clarke with one hand inside his front jean pocket and the other rubbing the back of his neck.
What the heck is he doing here? Why is her here? Did he come with mother? How did I not spot him earlier?
"Why?" mother says. "Just so she can be brainwashed more by this... this woman?"
She gestures towards Sister Alexa, offending me. Damien shakes his head.
"Don't think of it like that. Look, you haven't slept. You're tired. You're not thinking rationally. Dorothy has her reasons, and I think you should not be too hard on her," he says, maintaining a calm demeanour.
How he is not the slightest bit intimidated by my mother is beyond me.
"What the hell are you saying, Damien?" she snaps. "I will not leave her here alone!"
"Then how about Nolan and I stay here?"
Nolan is here too? Why??
"We will take care of her and make sure to bring her back. I have your number, you have mine. We'll keep in touch. How does that sound?" he says.
Mother stays silent, contemplating, while I stare at Damien in disbelief with dozens of questions running through my mind. Although I am grateful for his help deep down, but a massive part of me is wary of his intentions.
I mean, he is Reece's best friend, so why did he – and still is – defending me? What's in it for him?
"Fine," Joanna finally replies. "It's your responsibility to bring her back home, Damien."
"Yes ma'am."
"Two days. I'm expecting her to come back in two days, Damien," she says, lifting two of her fingers for emphasis.
"I will bring her back in two days."
Mother let's go of my arm and looks at me with narrowed eyes.
"I am really disappointed in you, Dorothy," she adds, before she gestures Damien to follow her to her car.
They start to talk to each other but I can't make out what they are saying. I do not care. As they talk to each other hushedly, my knees feel like they can give way any second now. So, I run to Sister Alexa and hug her for physical and emotional support. Mother then opens the door and slips inside while still talking to Damien. Then, she slams the door shut. With a loud roar, the car's engine comes to life and mother drives away, revealing Damien's car, which was parked right behind mother's. That explains why I was not able to spot him.
Damien turns around and I glare at him.
"Why did you come here?" I huff, crossing my arms.
At that moment, Nolan pokes his head out of the window of Damien's car.
"Oi Damien. When you promised me chicks, I thought you meant girls," Nolan yells, grumpy. "Not actual chicks."
His arm shoots out of the car and his index finger points at a flock of chickens that are pecking the verdant ground, which is teeming with worms. He then opens the door and comes out, approaching Damien.
"Why is Nolan with you?" I yell.
"In case I get tired of driving. Four hours isn't easy," Damien replies, scratching his head.
Clucking, two mother hens are walking towards us with their thirteen chicks following them. Actually, they seem to be walking towards Nolan, slowing down when they near him.
"Woah woah woah, stay away from me," Nolan squeaks, backing away from the chickens.
Damien and I ignore him.
"You shouldn't have come here. Both of you. Go back to London," I order.
Damien clenches his jaw.
"Hey now, that's not very polite–"
"I don't care. If I wanted to see you, I would never have left London. Now leave."
"Hell Dorothy!" he bursts, startling everyone and scaring the chickens away from us. "Your mum and I didn't sleep a wink last night, driving our asses all the way here! We didn't know where you were and we thought the worst! Four hours is a fucking long time. We didn't come all the way here just so you can snub at our faces! All of us were worried about you. Your friends even stayed at your place, waiting for your return!"
And just like that, more knives stab through my heart. Stupid Dorothy. Stupid. Stupid. STUPID! All of a sudden, it feels nearly impossible to breathe. To live. Oh, how I hate myself. My life.
Nolan pats his fuming friend's shoulder.
"Don't mind Damien. He gets a little cranky when he's tired," Nolan says.
Damien snaps his head to face him with glowering eyes.
"Easy for you to say! You were sleeping like a fucking princess during the whole journey!"
Nolan retracts his hand from him, raising both of his hands up in surrender.
"Woah man. I get it. Chill."
"...I'm sorry," I whisper, my lower lip trembling and tears brimming in my eyes.
Hearing my broken voice, Damien immediately looks at me with guilt and concern washing over his features. Just before I can break down once again, I run away from Damien and Nolan. Sister Alexa, concerned, follows me.
***
I am sitting on a windowsill with my knees up to my chin in Sister Alexa's room, staring at the view of sprawling farmland in a daze. My mind is blank but my heart seems to grasp what's going on as I feel the heaviness in my chest. It feels heavier and heavier with each passing second. I don't know how much time passes, but eventually, I snap. With a loud wail, I drop my head onto my knees. My whole body shakes as fluids from my nose and mouth mix together and drench my dress, which Sister Alexa let me borrow.
A few hours later, I find myself lying down on the sill with a mild headache, dried of tears. I watch how day becomes night. Although the process takes hours, it feels like minutes to me. My heart is hollow, my brain is blank, my body numb.
"Now now Dorothy. Come out," I hear Sister Alexa say, knocking on the door.
I locked her room's door the very moment I came inside, which was this morning.
"Dorothy... I know you can hear me. Come out."
"N-No," I say with a muffled voice, realising my lips are dry.
"You have been inside my room all day, my little Dorothy. Come out. You will miss the bonfire. We both know how much you love the bonfire."
"Not tonight," I say.
"Dorothy," she says sternly. "You have tested my patience enough. Come out or I will make you sleep with the cows."
Although sleeping with the cows does not bother me, I rush to the door to open it for her because that's her secret way of saying 'I will do something which I know you will hate'. Trust me, that's the last thing I need.
A click pierces through the air.
...Creak.
"Step out, my dear," she orders.
I comply, looking at her, and then at Damien, who is standing right behind her. His dark hair is tied in its usual low ponytail and, unlike this morning, he looks a lot more fresh. Perhaps he managed to sleep during the day. Noticing the state that I am in, he looks at me with wide, concerned blue eyes. I quickly look down at the floor in shame, biting my lower lip.
"Dorothy. What have you done to yourself? You cannot go out looking like that. Come on, I will clean you up," Sister Alexa says.
I nod my head slowly, submissive.
***
"How are you feeling?" Sister Alexa asks, giving me a small smile, her arm locked with mine.
With my head resting on her shoulder, I am sitting on a log, between Sister Alexa and Damien. Nolan is sitting next to Damien, checking out the girls in the crowd. A lot of people are here, about sixty. I recognise some students from St. Anne's. A cackling bonfire sits in the middle, surrounded by many logs of varying sizes. Meat is being grilled, beers are out and music is being played. The ambiance is pretty lively and warm, which is a huge contrast to my mood.
"Empty," I reply.
Her smile disappears, before she glances up at the clear sky.
"There is a full moon tonight," she points out.
I look up and briefly admire the beautiful moon before I go back to being dull and gloomy.
"And like the moon, we must go through phases of emptiness to be full again," she whispers into my ear.
"I'm not like the moon," I simply say, making her sigh.
"Did you miss St. Anne's?" she then asks, changing the topic to keep me distracted.
"A bit. I missed you a lot though, Sister Alexa," I reply honestly, making her smile.
"Oh, I missed you too."
While she and I continue to banter, I notice that Nolan has disappeared. Damien opens a can of beer and gulps on it. After a while, Sister Alexa offers to bring some food for me, which I gratefully accept. When she leaves, there is a moment of awkward silence between Damien and I until I decide to finally tell him what I wanted to tell him all day.
"Damien," I whisper.
His blue eyes shift to look at me, curious.
"Hmm?"
"I'm sorry for being rude," I finally say. "I really am. I forgot that I actually had people besides Sister Alexa who would worry about me."
"Apology accepted," he says.
Instantly, it feels like a portion of the weight on my shoulder has just disappeared.
"And I also want to thank you for what you did for me at Hampton." I continue.
"Don't mention it. It's nothing."
Nothing??
I shake my head.
"Just hear me out, ok? You might think this is just a small matter, but to me, it's not. You helped me when no one else did, and there were many people. So, thank you."
He suddenly smiles.
"It's not a problem," he says. "So... why did you run away to come here? ...I looked for you. If you had stayed, I would have helped you."
"I needed Sister Alexa. She knows me better than anyone else," I say.
He raises his eyebrows, confusion clear in his expression.
"If you don't mind me asking, how did you end up here?" he then asks, gesturing to St. Anne's.
"It's complicated."
"I'm sure I can keep up."
I sigh, looking down at my hands, my fingers fiddling with one another.
"I... I was left here. My stepfather left me here when I was ten."
His eyes immediately widen, his expression conveying his shock.
"You mean Richard? He was your stepfather?" he asks in disbelief.
"Yes. He wouldn't let my mother contact me, so let alone bring me back home."
"But I met Richard. He didn't seem to be that sort of guy. But... Actually, he was awfully quiet," he says, tapping his lower lip with his index finger, thinking.
"He was a horrible person," I say, shifting my line of sight to the fire. "Sister Alexa took care of me as if I were her own daughter. I sent letters to mother. Because of my stepfather, I lost London. I lost mother..."
I lost Reece...
Why did I just think that?
Reece Walker is dead to me. The very thought of him boils my blood. I hope he dies the cruelest of deaths and rots in the worst parts of hell.
"I lost everything," I continue.
I did not realise that I was lost in my thoughts until Damien wraps his arm around my shoulders. His body is pressed against mine from the side. I do not pull away nor do I push him, and I don't know why. Maybe it's because I know that he is trying to comfort me.
My eyes trail away until they land on a familiar dark-haired girl sitting on a log opposite to mine. With her eyes narrowed, Charlotte's gaze is leaving scorch marks all over me. I wonder why...
Is it because of the 'present' that I left for her right before I left for London?
But when I look more closely, she is glaring at Damien's arm, which is resting on my shoulders.
Oh, for the love of food.
"I'm sorry," Damien whispers, catching my attention.
"O-Oh, you don't have to say that," I say. "I'm kind of over it. You said that if I had stayed in London, you would have helped me. I really appreciate it, but I don't actually want that. I don't want to depend on anyone. I trusted mother to bring me back home. She meant everything to me. When she couldn't bring me back, then how can I trust anyone else to help me when I need it? I just don't want to feel betrayed and disappointed again. If anything happens, I should be able to handle it on my own."
"Maybe it was different then–"
"No. It's not different at all... St. Anne's was horrible," I continue. "If it weren't for Sister Alexa, I don't think I would have survived."
"Now Dorothy, whatever happens in life, you should never consider death," he says.
I scoff for he does not know what I've been through. If Sister Alexa had not saved me from Sister Flora's wrath that night, I could have died.
"Look, I will not let anyone hurt you," he says.
Although he is serious and sounds sincere, I do not buy it.
"I wish I can believe you," I say.
"I swear it, Dorothy. I swear it."
"I still don't believe you."
"Then let me prove it to you."
"It won't be easy."
"I love a challenge."
At this point, I realise that I honestly have nothing to lose if I just simply agree to what he says. Tired, I rest my head on his shoulder. Damien's body tenses before relaxing.
"Fine," I sigh, wondering why on earth is it taking so freakishly long for Sister Alexa to come back with my food.
*~*~*~*~*
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