It was so quiet that I could hear my fractured heart attempting to beat through its pain.
Flynn stared down at me with his big brown gaze, piercing me. I hadn't been able to get those eyes off my mind for the last seven months.
I'd been torturing myself, convinced I didn't deserve him. And in the same moment I wanted to fight for him, I remembered the moment I'd stopped being worth his love and my stomach turned into a nauseous pit.
"Well shit," Lucas rested a hand on his hip and gestured at Flynn. "What a surprise. I wasn't expecting you. How's it going?"
I managed to turn from Flynn and give Lucas a flat glare.
He grinned and stepped into his shoes. "Well, I'm going to go upstairs and find Mills. Make sure no one is bothering her since my bodyguard left his post."
Flynn then turned his flat glare on him. "You told me to sneak a drink down here."
Lucas lifted his finger to his lips. "Ssh."
And then he was gone. The room felt smaller than ever. My throat was about two ragged breaths from closing over.
I stood up, thinking that might help. But it didn't. It just put me closer to him. I'd forgotten how tall he was. 6'4 to my 5'3.
His slow glance swept me from head to toe and I wanted to crumble, let him catch me and never let him go again.
"I didn't know you would be here," he broke the silence and shifted from foot to foot. "I would hav—"
"I didn't even know I was going to be here until a few hours ago," I assured him. "I had to come and tell Lucas that he's not the total asshole I've treated him like for too long."
"I bet he's feeling on top of the world right now."
I shrugged.
"I mean it," he said, ducking his head so I had to meet his intense stare. "He's kind of been in hell for these past months. You're his favourite person."
"I feel like that title belongs to his girlfriend."
"Siblings come first," he smiled. "So I believe. I mean, I don't have siblings so you are genuinely my favourite person."
My chest felt tight and I tried to breathe through the knot of tension balling in my throat.
I couldn't even form a response, so I just stood there and stared at him in his faded jeans, mustard boots and black fitted t-shirt. He hadn't changed at all.
Not that I expected him to. But it was nice to see he was still himself. Still his breathtaking, tall, blushing self.
I felt like I was staring at the other half of my heart. An extension of me. The person that made me feel at home after months of feeling like a drifter.
That awful unsettled, homesick sensation was cured just from being near him and the revelation almost knocked me over.
"Can we go for a walk?" I said.
His expression brightened and he walked straight over to the door, holding it open for me.
Before long, we were out in the warm Texan night. The campus was illuminated with street lamps and building lights shining through the large windows.
For a while, it was quiet. Neither of us said a word. We just strolled and peered around at the architecture.
There had been a time that I was going to attend this school and get into business. Mom said it was a good degree to have. But instead I'd chased a dream that had become toxic and damaging.
Hindsight was a hell of a thing.
"How is school going?" I finally said.
"It's the same. Practice. Games. Papers. Classes. You know. Third year starts in September. I can't wait to graduate."
"So what are you doing in Texas?"
"Lucas wanted to see me. There was no occasion. Just a weekend to spend some time together. How's the big apple?"
"Can't complain so far," I told him as we followed a footpath that was leading us through the different blocks and buildings. Each time it split off in another direction, it would have a miniature street sign to let us know where we were going. "Amalia is a good roommate and Max has settled down and isn't being such a nervous mess around me."
Flynn chuckled and as our arms swung, his hand brushed mine and it made me jolt.
But not in a 'first time love' sort of jolt. It was more like a reminder of all the times that we'd wandered down the street hand in hand.
It was the jolt of remembering that holding his hand had been a comfort. Something that never got old.
Butterflies were promised when it came to his grasp encasing mine. So I reached out and laced my fingers with his, nervous that he'd reject the attempt but needing it more than I could comprehend.
But he didn't reject it. He smiled and his hand swallowed mine. It felt like that action alone could heal all of the demons that festered under the surface.
But I knew better. Because despite how good it felt, it didn't stop haunted memories from surfacing and reminding me that I'd fucked up and he deserved better.
"You look beautiful, Abby," he said as he used his free hand to pluck a flower from the hedge lining the footpath.
He stopped us and stood in front of me. As he brushed my hair behind my ear, he slipped the flower stem behind my ear. "Yellow suits you."
A tear slipped down my cheek as I stared up at him and his smile morphed into concern.
"What's the matter?"
I shook my head and stared at the ground, ashamed and disgusted in the person I'd become when I was so desperate to model.
Flynn was worth so much more than that shit house of a career. I wish I'd known that at the time. Perhaps the only way we had a chance at moving on, was to tell him the truth. But I'd hurt him enough.
"I've just missed you so much," I sobbed and stared up at him through blurred vision.
I couldn't ever imagine not having him in my life. Not when he cupped my face, drew me in, wiped my tears with his thumb and then pulled me into his chest so he could hug me.
I cried into his chest as he held me and rubbed my back, soothing me with kisses on top of my head. "You have no idea how much I've missed you," he murmured. "It's hurt like hell."
The soft night wind picked up and whistled past us, creating a moment of chill and I snuggled in closer, wishing that the breeze could pick me up and take me back to a time before I'd messed it all up.
"You're cold?"
I nodded and knew I should have snatched one of Lucas' hoodies before we came outside.
I doubted it was cold for most. But I felt the cold a lot more ever since I'd lost a considerable amount of weight.
Flynn rubbed his hands up and down my arms. He didn't complain about the big puddle of tears I'd left on his chest. He wrapped his arm around my shoulder and tucked me into his side as we wandered down the footpath and out into the parking lot.
We stopped beside an SUV and Flynn unlocked it, the loud blip echoed and the indicator lights flashed in the dark.
Before I could ask what he was doing, he opened the back door and reached in, pulling out a UCLA hoodie.
"It's a rental car," he explained and slipped the hoodie over my head. It smelled like him. It was intoxicating and sobering at the same time. It almost came to my knees and now I looked like I was wearing no pants because I'd been wearing shorts. Still, I was warmer now.
"Better?"
"Mhmm," I nodded as he reached around and un-tucked my hair at the back. "Thank you."
"Yeah," he smiled and watched me.
"What? What is it?"
"I just haven't seen you in so long," he murmured. "I just— I can't get enough of being this close after all the time that we spent apart."
My ducts started to well again. Because I knew he meant it.
"Abby," he leaned down and locked his eyes with mine. "Please don't be upset. I know you think I'm better off without you. I know you think this is all too much. But it isn't. I'm here for the good and the bad."
"Something happened," I stammered, choking on the words as I cried so hard it hurt. "I did something that— it changes things and I—"
He straightened up and swallowed. "You were with someone else?"
I racked with violent sobs.
"When?"
"It's complicated, Flynn. It— it wasn't like that."
"But something did happen?"
"It was over a year ago and it wasn't rea—"
"That doesn't make it better!" He stepped backwards and his entire expression had contorted into despair. "We were together then! Living together. I mean, if it had been recently. . ."
"I've been in rehab up until a week ago!"
He shook his head and ran his hands through his hair. "Why? How could—"
"Please let me explain what happened," I stepped forward and grabbed his hand. I felt desperate. Afraid that I would lose him forever, despite knowing that I would deserve to lose him. "Please?"
His jaw tensed as he stared across the lot and nodded. "Yeah alright. Fine. Tell me what happened."
"Can we go somewhere and sit down?"
He opened the passenger door of his rental SUV and gestured for me to get in. So I did and I felt the threat of bile rising in my throat when I realized that I would have to share something I had been keeping with me for so long.
LAST YEAR
"Abby?"
"Yeah," I stood up and smiled at the receptionist. She gestured for me to go ahead.
I crossed the gleaming white tile floor, heels clacking, and slipped through the frosted glass door.
Avery, one of the agents who had recently taken me on in New York, stood up behind his desk and gave me a warm welcoming smile.
"Hello sweetheart," he slipped his glasses off and dropped them onto his desk. He was dressed in a charcoal button up that hugged his broad chest. His salt and pepper hair tipped me off that he was older. But his skin was youthful. "You look gorgeous and I can not wait to talk about these photos. Stunning."
"Thanks," I grinned and fell into the soft plush chair in front of his desk. It was covered in magazine drafts, photos and head shots. "I had so much fun on that set. Paula was so sweet and such a good photographer. I felt so comfortable."
"First lingerie shot?" He sat down again and I nodded. "How did ma and pa feel about it?"
"Oh, fine," I lied with a casual shrug. Mom wasn't bothered about the shoot, but it took dad a while to get over it. "They don't care."
The thing is, agencies find it easier to hire models who don't come with the hassle of helicopter parents making a fuss about what happens on set. That comes from experience.
Dad once lost it because there was no way 'he was letting his sixteen year old daughter straddle a half naked adult man while he fed her strawberries.'
So embarrassing.
Avery seemed pleased. "So these will feature next month. And I want to talk about a few more potential jobs that I have on the horizon. Including the VS show coming up."
I straightened up in the chair as he stood and circled his desk. I watched with a hammering heart and was on the brink of screaming in excitement.
VS? That seemed so far out of reach that I'd done nothing but dream about it and wished for longer legs.
He stood beside a pin board on the wall beside the window. The view of New York was gorgeous. But the spread of previous VS models was the center of focus.
He gestured me over and I practically ran. "VS? There's no chance. I would never reach the height requirement?"
"No, perhaps not," he nodded with agreement. "But I'm sure that's what Karlie Dumont thought about plus size girls too. And now look at her. She'll be doing her second show this season. Never say never."
"Could this actually happen?"
My nerves were shot. I couldn't believe it. I hadn't even been considered for a runway let alone VS fashion week.
Avery smiled down at me and placed his hand on the lower of my back. "It could," he stepped a little closer and the mood shifted. Fast. "I think we could help each other out."
I had gone still and my stomach turned into a knot. I could barely breathe or think or see as his hand slid lower and cupped my ass with a firm grope.
"Wha- what are you doing?" I stammered, still frozen to the spot. What was he going to say? What did he want me to do?
"You do me a favor and I'll return it sweetheart," his hand slid around to the front and I saw dots dancing in front of me. "I have to be honest. You're not going to get far in another agency. You're too wide in the hips. You're short. Visually rather. . . ordinary. But I can help. I have pull. I can do amazing things for the girls here. You do me a favor and I'll do one back."
My entire frame trembled as he slipped his hand into the band of my culottes. Why had I worn loose pants?!
There was nothing for him to struggle against and I could hear blood rushing in my ears. "N-no. I appreciate the offer," I was shivering, almost biting my lip because it quivered so hard. "I have a boyfriend so I can't."
"It's called a secret, sweetheart. He'd want to see you succeed, wouldn't he?"
"Not like this," I tried to keep my tone polite so I didn't anger him.
I didn't want to lose my job. What if he blacklisted me? I'd heard about stuff like this happening to other models. I just didn't think it could happen to me.
"Someone like you, sweetheart," he started pushing my underwear aside and I almost fell over. But he wrapped his arm around me and groped my breasts. "This is your only choice."
My breathing was so harsh that I was on the edge of passing out as he pushed me down, bending me over his desk.
For a moment, I considered it. Considered going along with and letting it step me up the ladder. I could save myself from getting hurt when I said no. Save myself from losing a career that I loved.
But the fact that I even thought about letting him put himself inside of me, made me sick.
I pushed back and slid away from the desk, almost tripping over my underwear that were half way down my legs.
"I have— I have to be somewhere," I fixed my clothing as fast as possible and then I ran out of the room just as he made a move toward me.
A week later he phoned me and told me that he couldn't get me the VS show.
But he could sign me on for Vogue and Elle and Vogue Paris and whatever else I wanted if I came in to see him again.
But I wasn't going back in there. So I stopped answering his calls and I decided I could find another agent that would hire me.
I just had to get in the right shape first. And I did.
I had to start at the bottom again. Small shoots. Small companies. But I'd work my way up.
While I got into the right shape.
PRESENT TIME.
"You— you think I'd blame you for that?" Flynn stared at me, his hands and knee shaking.
"I— he— I thought about it, Flynn! I considered it. It disgusts me. I'm disgusting."
He turned in his seat and gripped my shoulders. "Did you say no?"
"Yes."
"Did you ever, once, tell him that he was allowed to touch you?"
"No."
"Did you feel violated or afraid?"
I felt my brows pull. "Yes. I was terrified. Hence the reason I almost went along with it."
Flynn exhaled a harsh breath and turned again, punching the steering wheel. "Abby, he fucking molested you. He sexually assaulted you!"
"I—"
"How in the fuck did you ever think that was your fault?! Why didn't you tell someone?"
I opened the car door, leaned out and threw up.
The only other person I'd told was Alex. And I'd told her a very watered down version. Denial had carried me through most of the aftermath. But when it came to Flynn, it always felt more real.
I felt like I'd betrayed him.
"Abby," he was standing beside me outside of the car. He rubbed my back and helped me stand. "I wish you'd told me. Fuck I wish I'd known. We need to tell your mom and da—"
"No!" I stood up, wiping my mouth. "No. Hell no. You have no idea what that would do to my dad. No. I can't. Please Flynn. He's had a lifetime of blaming himself for what happened my to his sister. He doesn't need to go through that with me too. Please Flynn. Promise me. Don't tell anyone."
He winced. I could tell he didn't want to promise me that.
"I'm— it's okay. It happened a while ago and I'm okay."
"You're okay?" He seemed doubtful. "You don't think that might have had something to do with your eating disorder? How can you heal if you haven't even dealt with the root of the issue."
"Well I did heal," I defended. "I'm doing a lot better, Flynn. The two incidents were not related. Okay?"
"He needs to be behind bars," he spat, vibrating with rage.
"You really think that's where he'll end up?" I wiped at a fresh fall of tears. "Look at men like Harvey, Kevin, Woody. Barely a fucking tap on the wrist, Flynn. What's the point in airing my business and facing humiliation for no result."
"We cou—"
"I just want to move on with my life. Please. I just wanted to be honest and find forgiveness. I love you, Flynn. I just want a second chance at moving on. If you think that's possible?"
He had a glisten in his distraught stare as he pulled me in and held me tight. "Of course it's possible. I love you too," he kissed the top of my head. "I love you so much."