Update time!
Warning: This chapter does contain minor mentions of alcoholism. It also alludes to suicidal thoughts. Please read carefully, my loves, and take care of yourselves.
Love you all, endlessly.
(P.S. sorry if this chapter is sort of rough and crappy. I had a smidge of writer's block in the middle of it. 😅)
Chapter 42:
Flashback
I sat quietly at the lunch table, listening to the sound of Louis' voice as he blabbered on about his favourite football teams and the stats of some of his favourite players. I didn't particularly enjoy sports, but I did enjoy how Louis seemed so passionate and excited whenever he spoke about them. It was what he loved, and I just wanted my best friend to be happy. He deserved it.
This time, however, I wasn't paying attention to his blurted out facts. I heard the excitement in his voice, but the words didn't register. Instead, I was staring over at the table in the corner, where Liam was sitting.
His head was down, staring at his paper on the table as he tapped his pen against his chin before writing down his thoughts. He seemed so focused, so engaged in his own head, as if he was writing down his deepest, most certain thoughts. I would give anything to be able to read his thoughts like a book, to know what caused him pain and what made him smile. Ever since he held my hand a year ago, I wanted to know the ins and out of his being. I wanted to know what made him tick, what he enjoyed about people, what hobbies he liked, what it was like to be so self-assured like him.
I watched him write, taking small glances every now and then so nobody would suspect me staring.
He looked good today, just like every day. His hair was styles in a chestnut mess atop his head, but it looked amazing on him. His eyes were determined today. I was jealous of that determination in his stare. His mouth was the same pretty pink as he bit on his pen cap in thought. I've never wanted to kiss anyone in my life, I didn't think it would feel good. It'd be rough, forced. It would sting and burn me up. But Liam... I wondered what it would feel like to kiss him.
I've tried to speak to him after the restroom incident, but I couldn't bring myself to. Every time I tried, I would freeze up. I would stare at him, watch his beautiful smile spread across his face from a distance, and my heart would speed up. I would feel it beating in my ears, drowning out all of the sound around me. My hands would shake uncontrollably, just like they did when I had to stand in front of the class during presentations. My throat would feel as if there was a giant lump there, blocking any words from escaping. My legs would feel weak, like they could barely take a step forward, let alone hold up my body. I seemes to forget how to breathe when I looked at him. He was just... flawless.
A crush. That's what Louis talked about. He would talk about different crushes he had on girls, and he would tell me that he would get nervous around them. He had the same symptoms as I did, but I never explaines my own crush to him. How could I? He would get freaked out and hate me for it.
But Louis also taught me something else. Crushes often hurt. "That's why they're called crushes," He would explain, "because they crush you up inside, especially when they don't work in your favor."
When I looked at Liam, knowing that I could never speak to him in a normal way, I felt that crushing inside of my heart.
"I don't think I could ever be crushed by someone just by liking them," I would reply to Louis.
I was already broken. How could any more damage be possible?
When I looked at Liam, I understood.
------
I sat down across from Louis at the lunch table, but my mind was elsewhere. I searched around the room, hoping to catch a glimpse of familiar brown hair and eyes.
I couldn't sleep last night. All I could think about was Liam and whether or not he was okay. I needed to be sure he didn't have another attack. I needed to hear his opinion about me leaving my jacket there. Did he understand what I was trying to say with that action?
I didn't think he did because he wasn't here. Or maybe he did, but he didn't want it. Maybe he just tossed it aside as his own personal message.
"Looking for Liam?" I heard Louis ask, and I focused on him, thinking about denying it, but there was no use. I told him quite a bit about Liam yesterday, and there wasn't anyone else I could have been looking for. Obviously, Louis knew more than I thought.
"I know that he came to school today." I've seen him in several classes, but he seemed to make it his mission to avoid me today. He wouldn't even spare a glance, though I know he knew I was staring. I just wish he would yell at me instead. It would certainly sting less.
"He's here. I've seen him several times today. But think about it, Zayn. If the whole school found out your deepest, darkest secret, would you want to show your face in the lunch room? This is literally the place where the most gossip gets spread," Louis pointed out as he spread butter onto his roll. "He's probably where he always is. Or where he always used to be."
"Which is?" I raised an eyebrow at Louis, and he shrugged his shoulders.
"By the fence at the back of the school. Away from all of the people who've been bombarding him with fake apologies and pity all day long. I swear, it's ridiculous. Why did it take such a huge secret being revealed for people to realize they shouldn't treat someone like shit?" Louis ranted, but I already stopped listening, standing from my seat and tossing my tray away.
"Where are you going?" Louis asked, not even waiting for a reply before he was standing up to follow after me. He rushed up behind me as I pushed open the cafeteria doors.
"I have to find Liam. I need to make sure he's alright."
I noticed the confused look Louis gave me, but he didn't ask questions.
"I don't know if that's the best idea. If he wanted to see us, he would have talked to us. I think he just needs a bit of time, Zayn. Don't forget that there was a point in time where we both treated him like shit. Regardless of our reasons, we added on to that pain he was enduring."
"I know," I basically growled out. "Don't you think I know that?" I shot Louis a glare, but my anger wasn't directed at him at all. He seemed to understand that as he frowned slightly. "I wish I could go back and change that, but I can't. And I'm sorry I dragged you into that as well. All I can do now is try to make up for how much of a shit person I was."
"Zayn, you never explained why you started bullying Liam in the first place. It just... happened one day. Why?"
My body tensed. I couldn't speak because I didn't have a reply. There was no excuse for my actions, but tnere was a reason why I did it that I didn't even understand anymore. There wasn't a way to explain it to Louis without mentioning my father. Without mentioning what I allowed to happen.
I only shook my head, and Louis dropped it for now. We stepped out of the back doors of the school, and my eyes swept around until I finally saw Liam. The relief I felt was rather short-lived as I noticed Drew standing in front of him. I felt rage boil within me at the thought of Drew even laying a finger on him.
I quickened my pace, not caring if I was moving too quickly for Louis to keep up. Liam was all that mattered. Only Liam.
"Hey, get the fuck away from him!" I roared, finally reaching them and walking right in front of him, in between him and Liam, invading his personal space and shooting daggers at him. My hands balled into fists at my sides as I held back the ever-present urge to punch him in the fucking face. "Don't you ever fucking touch him. I will ruin you."
Drew's eyes were wide with fear and shock, but I didn't let up. I felt like punching something. Drew just happened to be a perfect target.
Before I could even make a move, however, I felt a hand on my own, pulling me back.
The touch of Liam's hand was surreal after so long without it. His skin was as soft as ever, but I felt how hesitant his touch was as he slowly laid his hand atop of mine. It was the only thing my brain seemed to want to focus on, that delicate touch that I was so terrified of but craved more than anything. Still, I kept my stare on Drew, watching as he shivered at my glare.
"It's okay. We're okay now." Liam spoke in a calming voice, gently tugging on my hand to get my attention. It was the exact same way I would tug on my mum's sleeve whenever I was frightened by something. Whenever I just wanted her to be close. "Zayn, he was apologizing," He whispered.
I finally broke my gaze away from Drew and turned to Liam. Seeing the reserved look on his face, knowing that he was seeing me, but he didn't want to, it broke me even more. I was trying to protect him, but he didn't want my protection.
I pleaded with my eyes, begging him to let me in, to let me do this, to let me just be near him. And he casted his eyes down to the ground.
"I don't trust him. I just don't want you hurt anymore." I spoke in such a pitiful voice. Low and cowardice and broken.
"I know," He brushed off, his hand leaving mine and dropping to his side. I lifted my hand to his chin, lifting it up until he was looking at me, and he inhaled heavily. There were tears building in his eyes. "Zayn..." He whispered.
"I miss you."
It was reckless abandon. I didn't stop to think about Louis or Drew or whether anyone else was around us. All that was on my mind was Liam.
All I could think about after I went home last night was the way he was curled in on himself, rocking back in forth in a panic, his breathing shallow and shaky. I pictured him lying in bed alone with nothing but his worst thoughts as his company. And I understood him.
Minds were like ticking time bombs. All of the darkest, deepest thoughts were hidden deep inside. They seem harmless, but once they are awakened, they take control of your very existence. They were parasites that fed away at your will, your hope, and your determination. They fed and they fed and they fed, until you had nothing left to give.
They were feeding on Liam, and I wanted to free him from them, but I didn't know how. I couldn't even free myself.
"I... I don't-" Liam began to protest softly, without any edge in his voice. I tried to smile at him, to reassure him. I didn't need him to feel the same. I only needed him safe.
"It's okay. I know you're hurting right now, princess. But I am constantly worrying about you. I just want you to be okay."
We were standing in silence, looking into each other's eyes like we were trying to read one another. I made sure to shed away all of my walls and defenses for Liam. There wasn't anything I wanted to hide from him. I wanted to give him everything. Yet, he seemed difficult to read at the moment, like he was doing the exact opposite and building walls up. They were thick and made of the strongest bricks. And just as I saw him beginning to drop them down, his stare turning softer, the school bell rang.
Liam jumped in surprise, snapping us out of the moment, and his eyes drifted over to where Louis and Drew stood, both looking utterly confused on what was going on.
Liam shook his head frantically as he looked back at me. "I have to go to class."
He turned away and walked back inside of the school building, never looking back once.
I stood there, feeling like absolute shit. My heart felt crushed and stepped on, but it was still beating for Liam and nobody else.
I looked over at Louis, who offered me a small smile. Drew was already walking away, leaving just the two of us standing at the back of the school.
"Zayn, what's going on?" Louis questioned, walking toward me to lay a hand on my shoulder, but I shook and head before walking away, leaving him standing all alone.
What was I supposed to say to him? There wasn't anything to say.
--------------------------------------------------------------
I didn't go back to class. Instead, I grabbed my things from my locker and walked out of the school building, rushing all the way home. I was lucky that my aunt wasn't home because I didn't feel like explaining myself to her.
I went straight to my room and laid on my bed, throwing my bag at the wall and trying to get a grasp on my emotions. I wasn't angry at Liam or upset with him. If anything, all of my negative emotions were directed internally. It was all my fault, all my doing, from the very first moment I ever laid a hand on him. I was stupid and unreasonable and pathetic and a coward. It was all on me. His years and years of torment and all of his broken pieces. I was the one responsible for it all.
I kicked at my nightstand, and I heard a clink from the drawer. I scooted closer and opened it up, seeing the bottle of alcohol that I discarded there the last time I craved the poison.
I stared at it, feeling the dryness of my throat and the need for the burning liquid. I longed for the dizziness that came with intoxication, but the need to forget was what ultimately made me reach out my hand for the bottle.
My fingers touched it. The once cool glass of the bottle how warm and inviting. It was always there for me when I needed to run away from the darkest parts of my mind. It made everything muddy and unclear. I wished I could live that way.
But as my fingers touched the bottle, all I could think about was Liam and the promise I made him.
I picked up the bottle and rushed to the restroom, opening it up. I froze for a second, every bone in my body screaming at me to just down the whole bottle, maybe even take it with a few sleeping pills, then I could really forget everything. With a shaky hand, I managed to fight my own instincts and turn the bottle unside down, releasing the alochol into the sink, watching as it rushed down the drain.
I tossed the bottle in the trash and cursed aloud, my fingers tugging at my own hair.
"Fuck," I cried out, rubbing at my eyes and slamming my hand on the sink counter. "Fuck!"
I remember the first couple of days off of alcohol. I felt like I had the worst hangover ever, eventhough I never drank. I had the worst headache and my body was constantly shaking. I remember puking a couple of times, but I pretended like I was okay. I had to for my aunt not to suspect a thing. I couldn't face the disappointment on her face if she ever found out I was addicted to alcohol.
I jumped as there was a knock on the front door. I debated not answering it. After all, who could be knocking on the door at this time. My aunt had a key and nobody really ever visited.
The knock came again, and I stood in the restroom, just willing the person to go away already. The knocking stopped, but my phone was vibrating a minute later from my pocket. I opened it up to see a text from Louis.
Louis: Open the door, Zayn. We need to talk.
I sighed, knowing that Louis wouldn't drop the subject, and I wiped the tears from my eyes before walking to the front door and pulling it open. Louis stood there with a serious expression on his face-- no smile, no greeting, just pure business.
"Do you want to explain to me just what the fuck is actually going on between you and Liam?"
"Hello to you, too," I mumbled as he stepped inside and I shut the door behind him. I ignored his question and walked back to my room, knowing full well that he was following me and waiting impatiently for my response.
"Well?" He huffed, crossing his arms over his chest and tapping his foot on the ground.
"Well what?" I replied, and Louis sighed heavily as he rolled his eyes.
"Zayn, we've been friends since preschool. I know you, and I know that Liam obviously means something to you. What I want to know if when this whole thing started and why? And how? And what?" Louis listed off questions as he paced around my room before stopping and turning to me. "I thought you hated Liam."
"You're wrong. I've never hated Liam. It was basicallg impossible for me to hate him." I knew that I was speaking quietly, but Louis didn't complain. In fact, he walked over and sat on the bed with me.
"If you never hated Liam, then why did you bully him like you did?"
I was silent for a moment. I couldn't tell Louis about my childhood. I've spent years running from it. If Louis knew, the person who was by my side throughout my childhood, it would bring it all back. If I admitted it aloud to him, there would be nothing to hide away from. It would all hit me like a freight train.
"Because I didn't hate him. I couldn't hate him. But I, um..." I felt tears in my eyes again, but I refused to cry in front of Louis. I did enough of that as a child. "I hate myself. Who I am."
Louis sat quietly, thinking about what I just said, and he shook his head. "You hit him because you liked him, but you couldn't admit your own sexuality? Zayn, that's bullshit," He spoke candidly, and I flinched at his blunt words.
"This isn't pulling a girl's pigtails in elementary school because you had a crush on her. Zayn, you bullied Liam! You gave him bruises and called him unspeakable names! You tormented him for years, and this is your reason why? You couldn't accept the fact that you were gay?"
"You did it, too, Louis. Neither of us is innocent," I reminded weakly, knowing full well that Louis did it out of fear. The number of times be actually his Liam, I could count on one hand. If anything, he was often the one who just stood by and watched. But still, we were both in the guilty party.
"So I was right?" He questioned, and I raised an eyebrow in confusion. "If I would have came out to you all those years ago, you would have bullied me, too?"
I shook my head instantly. "No. You don't understand, Louis-" I tried, but he interrupted me.
"Then make me understand, Zayn! Explain it to me because I'm so lost right now. You beat Liam up because you were ashamed to be gay? Newsflash, Zayn, we are who we are, and none of us can change that."
"I wasn't ashamed," I spoke up. I wanted to shout it from the rooftops, at the tops of my lungs, that my own father instilled the never-ending fear inside of me. The disgust, the negative thoughts, the consequences, my internalized homophobia.
"Louis, I've... I've had a crush on Liam since elementary school," I admitted, and Louis' eyebrows rose in surprise. "I didn't want to like him, but I did, and there was nothing I could do to stop it. And my... my dad... he taught me that a man should love a woman and only a woman," I wiped at my eyes furiously, not wanting a single tear to drop. I gave Louis an inch, but I hoped he wouldn't take a mile.
"Then I'm glad the bastard got booked on drug charges. But Zayn, if you were only afraid of your dad then why did it continue even after he went to jail? He couldn't say anything to you from there. I mean, you haven't even seen him in years."
That's where you're wrong. I see him all the time; hear him all the time.
Louis was only trying to be helpful, but how could he if he didn't know the full story?
"It was just a fear I couldn't overcome. I hated myself before I ever hit Liam, but I hate myself even more for how much I've hurt him. Even now."
"What do you mean, Zayn?"
"Do you remember that night I got drunk, and you took me to your house?" Louis nodded, and I averted my gaze. "I said things. I said that nobody would care if I disappeared...." I trailed off, not knowing what to say next, and Louis nodded again.
"Do you still feel that way?"
"Even more so now," I admitted, trying to smile, but it fell flat. "I hurt Liam, Louis. And it's the worst thing I could have ever done because... he made me want to be alive. At least, for a moment. It felt like I could keep trying, but now...."
"Now you try for yourself, Zayn. It's not good to depend on someone to be your reason to live. Especially not when that person has their own issues."
I shook my head again. "It was my fault. I told. I promised him that I wouldn't. I still did it anyway. I told, but it was the right thing to do."
Tears were streaming down my cheeks now, thick and embarrassing under Louis' gaze. I wiped them away furiously with my shaking hands, but it was too late. He already noticed.
"Slow down. What are you talking about? Explain it to me, Zayn," Louis assured, resting a hand on my shoulder in support.
I inhaled deeply before nodding. "I found out that Liam's dad was abusing him because I went over to his house uninvited. The things that he's done to him are just... monstrous. The very first thing Liam did was make me promise not to tell, and I promised. That secret brought us closer, though I tried to fight it at first. Eventually, I found myself falling for him. He became more than just a crush to me. I wanted to protect him from all harm, including myself. And I guess I did a good job at it because I broke his trust, so he won't even listen to a word I have to say. His dad is going to jail, and he's safe away from me."
That's why they call it a crush. They crush you up inside.
Then why is it called love if it leaves you feeling the exact same way?
Louis didn't respond for a moment, and I found myself wringing my hands in anticipation.
"Zayn, how long have you and Liam been a thing?"
"Not long. Short enough for him to get over me, but long enough for me to fall in love with him," I whispered.
There. It was out in the open. I told my best friend how I felt about Liam, and nothing could make me take those words back.
"You love him?" Louis asked, eyes softening at the thought.
"Yeah," I chuckled out dryly. "More than anything. I never thought I could love before him. Not like this."
"Zayn, that's great! It's okay to feel this way about another boy," Louis expressed, but I couldn't be okay with it. Something inside of me just wouldn't stop screaming that it was wrong. Sinful.
"But I still fucked up. I hurt him... countless times. Again and again and again and again. And I can't ever take it back. It's why I deserve to feel this way. I deserve to suffer because I've caused him so much harm. If I could take it all away I would. If I could disappear... I can't. I need to stay here, and I need to feel all of the agony I've caused. All of it."
"You don't, Zayn. You don't have to put all of this blame on yourself. I'm at fault, too. Nearly everybody is. Liam's dad, Kyle and the guys, Drew, the whole fucking school. You don't have to carry that burden on yourself forever."
"But I do," I sighed. "I do because I'm at the center of it all. From the very first moment I decided to raise my fist to him. I could've just talked to him. I could've...." I trailed off, letting a sob cut through me.
Louis quickly wrapped his arms around me, pulling me in for a hug, and I felt so weak in his arms. It felt like we were kids again. Louis was always the strong and sturdy one. He was confident, and he was always comforting me when I cried. He was always there for me, even if he didn't know what I was going through. And I never realized what a shit friend I was to him.
It was always one-sided. Louis gave, and I took. He gave me advice, taught me new things, gave me good memories, comforted me when I was upset, stood up for me in school, and even gave me a reason to try and be strong against my dad. And all I did was take, take, take and throw him aside as soon as I was pissed drunk and drowning in my own sorrows.
I never asked him if he was okay. I never asked about who he liked, how his day was, or if he wanted to do anything. It was always my plans, my friend group, my rules. And Louis simply followed them with a smile. Even the worst ones.
"I'm sorry, Louis. Fuck, I'm such a shit friend," I cried out, squeezing him in a hug, and I felt him smile slightly.
"Sometimes, but I can't stop loving you. You're my best friend, Zayn. We've been through so much together. You've supported me more times than I can count, even if you never knew it. Let me support you now."
I nodded against his shoulder and sobbed into his shirt sleeve.
Eventually, I was all out of tears, and I heard the sound of my aunt's car pulling up in the driveway. I pulled away from Louis and rubbed my eyes.
"You should go."
"I'm not leaving you like this. You're hurting, Zayn."
"I can handle it," I stated, looking him in the eyes to show him that I could.
Louis gave a sigh before nodding. "Alright. But just know that I'm here, Zayn. And I meant it when I said that I would care. If you disappeared, I would care. So would your aunt. And Liam."
"He wouldn't. He's too upset with me."
Louis shook his head with a grin. "Then you obviously didn't understand the look he gave you at lunch today." He patted my shoulder and stood up. "I'll get going now. Call me if you need anything. Promise?"
"Promise," I assured, feeling a bit lighter, but I was still carrying tons on my shoulders, hiding secrets in the dark.
"Good."
Louis turned to walk away, and I quickly called his name again. He looked back at me, replying with a quiet hum, and I hesitated before speaking.
"Can you check on Liam for me? See how he's doing? I just want to make sure he's okay."
Louis gave me a small smile.
"Of course. Just text me the address."
With that, he walked out of my bedroom door. I heard him talk to my aunt briefly before the front door open and clicked shut.
I sat in silence, my heart becoming heavy again as I realized I was alone once more. And the only way to escape reality was to play music.
I walked to the music room and sat at the piano, running my fingers over the keys before playing what I felt. It was a mesh of emotions, jumbled up and ugly. There wasn't a harmonious sound to the music. It was disjointed and distorted. Like a horror movie shot in broad daylight.
I slammed on the keys and realized I was breathing heavily, panting in exhaustion from all that I felt. I slammed my hand down once more as I realized why it was called love.
This was why.
Because you couldn't describe it. You couldn't explain the way it tore out your heart but kept it beating as well. The way it mangled you up but kept you hopeful. The way it tortured a person but made them feel alive as well.
It was the way the beautiful sounds of the piano sounded dull in comparison to the feeling.
Love hurt worse than crushes did, but it never broke you apart. No, it only makes you stronger.