Trigger Warning: Self-Harm
harry really loved rainy days.
it was raining today, quite hard and it swept against the windows roughly.
harry could hear a steady rumble of thunder, as if it was background music for the pounding rain. he wrapped a blanket around his shoulders, the cool air of outside causing it to be cold inside too. his mum wasn't home; she never was anymore. harry could only assume she was working, or maybe shopping. he had a tugging feeling that she was still seeing ross, but that was her right and none of harry's business.
well, it used to be his business until his mum shut him out.
harry was sitting on the couch, the telly muted in front of him on a random cartoon. he was holding a cuppa in his hands, letting the warmth from the tea seep into his skin. it seemed that harry only would drink these days; when he ate it wasn't much.
louis and him had skyped again, and he decided he wasn't going to take his shirt off. louis called him angel again, but it was half-hearted and kind of... kind of like he said it as a habit. harry knew that louis thought that he was fat, he knew.
harry gulped some tea, feeling the hot liquid cause a warmth in his chest to spread throughout his body. the house smelled of laundry detergent; harry had swept and cleaned the whole thing before doing all of the laundry.
harry tried not to let his mind wander to places he didn't want it to go, but it was quite hard when he had nothing to do as it was a friday night and zayn and niall were going out somewhere. his heart ached every time he thought about the fact that they ignored him now; but he knew he was a nuisance. they didn't want him around. who would want a fat, ugly, sensitive person hanging around all the time? harry knew that his friends didn't like his obsessive compulsive disorder or anxiety issues that came with his aspergers.
harry didn't realise he was crying until a tear splashed into his hot tea, causing the surface to ripple a bit. he brought his fingertips under his eyes, feeling the hot stinging moisture that signaled that he was, in fact, crying. he blinked his eyes quickly, taking a thick gulp and trying to numb the ache in his chest by not thinking.
but there was this person that was always at least in the corner of his cluttered mind. the last time harry saw him he was wearing these glasses that framed his wonderful blue eyes perfectly. his lips looked dark red on the camera and his eyelids were tainted a light lilac color, probably from lack of sleep. his nose was just as perfect as always, and his eyelashes just looked so incredibly long.
"are we still okay?" louis had asked him, brushing his fringe skillfully across his pale forehead with his eyebrows furrowed.
"yeah," harry whispered back, gripping the sides of his laptop incredibly tight, and it took everything in him not to shut the lid of his laptop. so he bit his lip hardly, until it drew blood. louis didn't seem to notice that he was upset, either that or he didn't care.
"i was thinking of coming down to visit sometime," louis had continued, leaning closer to the camera.
"yeah," harry said again.
"and maybe i could bring mitchell. i kind of want you to meet him."
"yeah."
the worse part of the skype call was that louis had logged out before harry had the chance to do their routine "blow a kiss to the camera." he sat there, frozen with his fingers still on his lips, and he was blushing and he hoped louis didn't see him beginning to do it.
that night, he read the book louis had wrote him, and then he had to hold himself to together, to keep from falling apart.
the rain was starting to pour harder, the thunder shaking the house. harry gripped his mug tighter in his hands, causing his knuckles to go white. he was holding it so tight, in fact, that it caused his hand to slide forward and the tea spilled all over his body.
harry jumped up with a yelp, feeling the hot tea burn his skin painfully. he ripped his shirt off, hopping around a bit as rushed breaths escaped his lips. no, why did he spill it? no, this wouldn't do. now his shirt was all dirty, and he was shirtless and he didn't want to look at his tummy.
he burst into tears, throwing his mug onto the glass coffee table, causing it to shatter loudly. he covered his ears, squeezing his eyes shut. then he felt glass hit his shin sharply. he let out a scream, all of his stress escaping the way it used to: his mouth.
harry was so scared, he was scared of falling apart and he knew that he was tired of being tied together so loosely and tentatively, as if one wrong move would cause him to break.
but here he was, literally trying not to walk over broken glass and letting out all of his emotions, screaming loudly, but it was quite muffled because of the thunder and rain and wind. he hoped that his mum would never come home, because he would be ashamed for her to see him like this.
"this won't work," harry breathed. "this won't this won't this won't work no no no no."
then his new phone he bought himself was ringing, and he screamed again, because wow this was so hard and why were there so many noises at once?
he felt as if the word 'why' should be his mantra. why was he so disgusting? why did louis want to freaking introduce him to mitchell? why was he bleeding and why was he using the broken glass to open his healing cuts?
harry let out a sob that shook his shoulders, falling roughly on his bum, ignoring the sharp pain that went up his back. his hand was bleeding now; harry didn't realise that he was grabbing a piece of broken glass from his mug. he held it tighter, cringing as the sharp edges sliced into his skin and caused blood to run down his hand. he looked a mess; his wrists were awful bloody and so were his hands and he was crying, there were tear tracks on his cheeks.
he froze when he heard the door open, and it slammed roughly.
he opened his mouth to whisper his mum's name but nothing came out but a broken whimper.
"harry! harry are you here? it's bloody awful out there!"
that voice. it was so... clear. and loud and painful to hear and harry hated the way his heart stopped in his chest at the hoarse tone of that voice and he was going to be in such a predicament when louis saw him.
he dropped the shard of glass he was holding, before running through his house and room until he slid into his bathroom.
"harry?"
his voice echoed through the empty house, and it sent chills through harry's body.
harry perched himself on the toilet after locking the bathroom door. he was shivering, and his wrist was bleeding badly. he grabbed the hand towel hanging nearby and wrapped it around his left wrist, squeezing tightly as tears slipped past his eyes.
"harry, what the heck happened out here?"
louis must've gone into the living room.
harry held his breath, hoping louis wouldn't come into his room and see the light under the bathroom door.
"anne? is anybody here?"
harry let a sob escape his lips. god, he missed that voice so freaking much. his heart ached as he let louis' beautiful voice echo through his ears.
his legs were starting to ache from squatting on the closed toilet seat. his eyes widened when he felt his nose tickle, signaling a sneeze.
harry could hear louis' footsteps coming closer, and he knew louis was wearing his vans.
then he sneezed, betraying himself.
"harry, are you in there?" louis' voice was sad, nervous. curious.
"no," harry whimpered.
"harry," louis breathed, and harry could hear him lay his forehead against the door. "harry what's wrong? open the door please."
harry bit his lip hardly, squeezing his eyes tightly to try and block his tears. he couldn't let louis in. no, that would be wrong. he didn't want to see louis, to feel his heat so close and on his skin. he could practically see louis' soft red lips, so easy to kiss, yet so hard to at the same time. he didn't want louis' soft skin against his or his pale blue eyes staring straight into his green ones. louis was bad, he was with mitchell, no matter how kind his voice sounded now.
so he stayed on the toilet, pushing his face into his knees. his hand was still wrapped around his skin; it stung. the bathroom was warm due to the hot air blowing through the air vent on the floor.
"harry, please," louis begged.
"go away!" harry shouted, and he could hear his heartbeat in his ears.
"why are you mad at me?"
harry's lip was trembling and his voice was shaky as he tried to speak. "'m not," he lied.
louis sighed. "harry, let me in. i want to see you. i actually wanted to surprise you, but you don't seem as happy to see me as i am to see you."
harry rose from the toilet, taking a shaky breath before unlocking the door. before louis could walk in, he turned around and laid his head against the back wall, holding his hands by his stomach so louis couldn't see him. it was bad enough that he wasn't wearing a shirt and his sweatpants were extremely baggy on him.
"harry, turn around."
"don't tell me what to do," harry responded weakly. his wrist was going numb from squeezing it so hard.
harry froze when he felt louis' short arms snake around his waist, his fingertips laying against harry's hips gently. his breath was caught in his throat and he felt as if there was a rock in his stomach.
"angel what's wrong?"
harry didn't respond, just tried to even his breathing. louis was so warm against him and his nose was nuzzled into his back.
"i don't understand why you're mad." louis' voice cracked.
"go away," harry said coolly, finally able to speak. "leave me alone and don't touch me." his voice was harsh, there was a hardness to it that even he had barely heard.
he couldn't recognize himself.
louis flinched away from him, but harry didn't turn around to see his expression. though he did hear louis crying, but he pretended not to.
"you're so freaking stupid," louis spit. "i come here to surprise you and i try to be nice and you're just acting all dramatic and crap. you make me sick, harry."
his voice was getting louder with every word, with every shaky breath and gasp that escaped harry's trembling lips.
"and i hope you know that i'm getting real tired of you. i actually know someone who is a lot more normal than you. someone who doesn't burst into tears every single breath they take. and he kisses better than you too."
that was all it took for harry to break.
he turned around and crumpled to the floor, biting his lip but unable to control his sobs. his heart was literally aching, a throb in his chest that he had never felt so strongly before. louis was glaring down at him, and harry wished he could read some sort of regret or guilt in his eyes, but all he saw was anger and distaste.
"am i that disgusting to you? is my disease that annoying to you?" harry said brokenly. "i thought you loved me."
"no i freaking hate you, and i stopped taking my medicine when i left just because you had to leave me."
"but you left-" harry began, already numb from the harsh blows from louis.
"just, just shut up, okay?"
harry gulped thickly, feeling his head spinning and he was dizzy and his hands were shaking. he let out a scream, banging his fists on the ground despite the pain that shot up his arms and the stinging of his bleeding cuts.
"you're so freaking weird," louis shook his head, turning around and slamming the bathroom door behind him.
harry grabbed his tummy, as if holding himself together.
he couldn't fall asleep this time.
***
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-kayla x