The next few days were a blur as the ceremony for my title bestowment drew ever nearer. From the time I awoke in the morning to late at night when I could tamp down my nerves just enough to fall asleep, it felt like my world was a whirlwind of preparations.
Loki's lessons grew steadily more intense as he helped prepare me for the ceremony, but he also taught me more about the duties I would have to preform once I was officially a lady of Asgard. As a lady of the court and the official companion to the king, my responsibilities would revolve mainly on helping run the palace and being a support and advisor to the king as I helped him with his own duties.
I would have to help set up and run events that the palace would hold including celebrations for national holidays and formal gatherings for the royalty and courts of Asgard and the other realms. I would have to know how to speak and negotiate with dignitaries while also being a problem-solver for the social issues and the needs of the Asgardian people. I would have to stand beside the king during meetings of war or politics or on topics of trade, agricultural needs, and the planning of new buildings. I would have to help the king make decisions on running Asgard, bringing in my observations and perspectives of issues, which means that I would have to be aware and competent of many things that I'd never been trained in before.
It was a lot to take in, but Loki was a patient teacher. He started explaining documents and Asgard's current standing on many topics to me, allowing me to ask as many questions as I needed. He started bringing me in on some minor decision-making for the kingdom, and even allowed me to stand by his throne as an advisor during a legal discussion with Lord Forseti, who was the head judge of Asgard and whose word on legal justice was just a step below that of the Allfather's final word.
Beyond these lessons on how to actually perform the duties of a lady, I was brought into the preparations for the feast that was to celebrate the ceremony itself. It would be the first official social event of Asgard's high society I would be invited to and it would all be centered on me as the guest of honor. Because of that, the palace's staff wanted to make sure that the food would all be to my liking and had me taste-test several options for the feast's fare one day. Never would I have imagined that there were so many different ways to cook goat and boar! I was so bloated for the rest of that day after sampling so many different kinds of meats, cheeses, soups, pies, salads, vegetables, fruits, cakes, desserts, and other dishes that Loki didn't even bother to ask if I wanted dinner that night, instead settling down with me in the library until late in the evening.
That evening, along with any amount of time that I wasn't trailing Odin-Loki or having lessons or being followed by maids and palace staff with questions about the celebrations after the ceremony, I was studying more about Asgard from the library's books. At night, it seemed that my brain was so packed with new information and stress and apprehension about the upcoming ceremony that it was nearly impossible to fall asleep. Even when I did manage to drift off, my busy mind would twist everything into uneasy dreams of panic.
Tonight, the night before the ceremony, was far worse. I'd been staring up at the canopy of my bed for hours in the darkness, my mind anxiously replaying instructions for the ceremony over and over again as my stomach pinched and squeezed in my nervousness. My nightgown felt like it was clinging to me, the collar choking me as little prickles of sweat spouted on my skin. I tossed and turned, trying to force myself to keep my eyes closed and yet I would once again find myself staring into the shadowy folds of fabric.
This was ridiculous. It was doing me no good to just lie here. I was just becoming more anxious with each passing hour, and I knew I needed some sleep. Tomorrow was important. I had to be alert and rested for it. That fact didn't help me nod off though. In fact, it probably made my situation worse.
Flinging my covers off I sat up, brushing aside my hanging bed curtains as I snuck over towards my closet where I grabbed my cream shawl, throwing it around my shoulders loosely. I'd left my book on Asgardian politics in the library. It had been the dullest of the tomes I'd been reading to prepare me for my duties, so maybe I would sneak down to the library and get it. Hopefully it would bore me into at least a fitful sleep.
I cracked my chambers' doors open, looking down the dark hall for any sign of a guard, hoping to not be caught sneaking around the palace in my thin nightgown. Pushing the door open more I stepped out of my rooms before turning to gingerly close the door as silently as I could.
"Trouble sleeping?" A male voice suddenly asked from behind my door, startling me so much that I jumped.
"Oh!" I yipped, jumping back as a gloved hand peeked out from around the door, shutting it to reveal an einherjar whose armor shone in the dim light of the hallway's few lit torches. I tugged on my shawl, trying to hide as much of my figure underneath it as possible to preserve my modesty since I was just standing in the thin, billowy white nightgown. Even as I tried to take in his appearance, it started changing with small flashes of familiar jade green light, revealing Loki standing in his own style of armor, the Allfather's spear-like scepter grasped in his one hand. Raising my hand to my chest, I sighed in relief, "It's you. Why are you-"
"Guarding your door?" Loki finished my question, crossing his arms as he leaned back against the wall, "I figured you would have trouble sleeping the night before the ceremony. I wanted to be close by and make sure you were alright."
Guilt twinged inside me. Had I been that obvious about my nervousness during our dinner? I'd mindlessly eaten, silently consuming my entire plate of food, which I regretted now as my uneasy stomach tried to revolt against me. I hadn't been much of a conversationalist, only offering Loki single-word responses before I'd excused myself to turn in early for the night. I tried to twist my face into a calm, casual expression as I shrugged in a hopefully laid-back way, "I'm fine, it's just pre-ceremony jitters, you know, nothing too surprising."
Loki stared into my eyes for a long moment, analyzing me, before commenting, "You look tired, darling."
I wasn't fooling him, now was I? No. It was sort of a hopeless endeavor to try to fool the god of trickery and deception. He could see right through me at my mental exhaustion and my worry about the events of the upcoming day that I was trying to push away.
Sighing again, this time in defeat, I tucked my hair behind my ear thoughtfully as I considered how to respond to his comment. It was clear in his expression that he was worried about me and my own state. I wanted to reassure him, explain where my mind was at, "Mmm, I am, but..." I hesitated a moment more before admitting, "It's worth it."
Loki raised a questioning eyebrow.
"All of this... the ladyship, the politics and ceremonies and duties and propriety... all of it is so over my head and this last week has practically been one massive crash course in palace life and how to be a member of the royal family's household. I feel like my head's going to explode if I learn one more fact about taxation or Asgard's diplomatic-militaristic relations with Niflheim, but, in the end, it's all worth it because it means that I can be with you here, that we can be equals of sorts." I tried to piece my thoughts together into an explanation, "It means that I can be useful, that I can make an impact here. I'm not a secret here, nor am I going to be some sort of trophy wife or something where I do nothing while you work hard making Asgard a better and stronger realm."
A small smile curled my lips as my eyes grew distant, staring sightlessly at the flames of one of the hallway's torches, "All I've ever wanted to do was to do something worthwhile. In college, I figured that I could do the most good by using my skills with acquiring and using languages. Then, with S.H.I.E.L.D., I could use those same skills along with my newfound powers to do necessary work that those skills allowed me to do. I could protect people and get things done in a way that others just weren't equipped to do. Now..." I trailed off for a moment, biting the inside of my lip before continuing, "This is hard training, different than getting a college education and different than S.H.I.E.L.D.'s training, but if it means that I can do something of use for Asgard, for this realm that is now under your care, then it's worth it. Asgard is your charge and your home, and now it's mine too."
I huffed a dry chuckle, moving to lean against the wall beside Loki, "That doesn't mean that I'm not absolutely terrified of tomorrow. Even with this training and even though I really want to be able to fill in the shoes that Queen Frigga left behind, and even though I know that you will love me no matter what, I still doubt myself. I still don't think that I can be the kind of lady that Asgard needs. I don't think I'll really be able to be any kind of leader here. I don't have the breeding or skills to be a lady and I don't think that I'll really be able to have much authority here even though I will officially have this title. What position can a mortal really have amongst gods, you know? I doubt that I'll ever be enough to truly take up and fulfil this position, but I'm willing to try." I set my jaw in determination, finally looking up at Loki for the first time since I started speaking, "I'm willing to put my all into this. Now I'm here, with you, and I know this is where I'm supposed to be."
Loki stared back at me; his gaze heavy as he processed my words. Realizing how much I'd been speaking, I tilted my eyes down, shifting my weight from foot to bare foot as I pulled my shawl more in front of me, "Oh gosh, have I been rambling again?"
"Yes, but I do like it when you ramble like that. You are always so honest when you go on your nervous tangents, and I like it when you share what is on your mind with me." Loki's voice was soft in the dimness as he turned his body towards me, leaning his spear against the wall, a knowing, vaguely teasing tone in his voice, "You do have a tendency to keep this all bottled up in your mind, you know."
"Yeah, I guess I do." I breathed a light, huffed laugh as I stared down at my bare toes that were sticking out from under the nightgown's skirt.
Out of the corner of my eye, I could see Loki shifting his position, pushing himself off the wall, "Thank you for your honesty and sharing your worries with me, Penelope." He said as he came to stand directly in front of me, his voice coming from right above my head as I continued to look down, "But you're wrong."
"What?" My brows came together as I immediately tilted my face up to look at him quizzically, locking eyes with him.
"You think that you're not enough? That you will fail? That you will not be accepted into Asgard's courts? That you are incapable of taking up this title and all the responsibilities and duties the title comes with?" Loki asked as he placed his hands against the wall on either side of my head as he loomed over me, his intense, challenging eyes seeming to glow like green fire in the torchlight. "I said it before, but I will repeat it again and again until you believe me. I would be giving you the official queenhood tomorrow if I was able to reveal my true identity, not only because you will be my wife, but because there is no one in all the realms more qualified to be queen. Alas, I can only give you the authority of a lady and the companion to the king, but even then you will soon be so beloved by the people and so integral in ruling of Asgard that the title of 'queen' or even 'lady' will not even be necessary and that is all because of your heart and your mind."
His assertions seemed to pin me to the wall more than his position standing over me did, his eyes and expression drilling his words into my mind as they forced me to continue looking into them, "All this training you've been doing, all this is knowledge and instruction in task management. It can be taught to anyone, but no one can teach someone to be kind and selfless, to be honest and to care so deeply for people that you would set your life goals for their benefit. You will become Asgard's heart even as you became mine, simply because of who you are. The rest is just education." His voice, which had been strong and insistent, softened again as he whispered, " "I would not ask this of you if I did not think you could handle it, so do not doubt yourself, love, or make yourself anything less than what you are."
Tears were running down my cheeks as Loki's hands fell from the sides of my head, instead moving to pull me from the wall and into his embrace. I buried my face into his golden chest plate, allowing its soothing coolness to ease the heat of my tears as I gripped onto his waist. My body quivered in his steadying grasp as I let out all my pent-up worry and doubt and fear out in my silent weeping, Loki's words and embrace feeling like a balm on the turmoil of my heart and mind.
"You were wrong about one other thing. You said that Asgard was my home, and while I plan on helping shape it into a world where we can be together and to rule over it well, I would trade all of it away to be with you, Penelope." Loki murmured into my hair as he ran his fingers up and down my back comfortingly, "Wherever you are, that is my home."
"How dare you be so poetic?" My laugh was watery as I pulled my face from his chest to look up at him, "Now my eyes are going to be all puffy."
"You're beautiful anyways." He stated, brushing a finger over my cheeks as he wiped my tearstains away, "Here, let me."
I remained in his grip until my tears left me exhausted. Loki seemed to notice how heavily I was leaning into him and the way that my eyes drooped because he insisted that I go back in my chambers, "Try to get some sleep."
I agreed, telling him to make sure that he get some sleep as well. Just before I closed my door, I gave him a small smile, saying, "I love you."