33 - live alive -
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Taeyong's POV
I was immediately faced with a disappointed man the moment my vision cleared.
Yeonghwan had stood there, his arms crossed and his expression pensive. I knew I was in big trouble, but I was here for a reason, after all. So, I explained why I had done what I did, or, at least I tried to. There was obviously not a single part of him that wanted to know, or even cared, what I had to say. He had just sat me down, barely speaking as he held out a small stack of papers.
I pulled my lips into a line, my brows creasing as I stared him the eyes. His own expression was blank, almost daring me to speak another word. I didn't.
He then handed me the page in his grip, that was at glance blank to my naked eye. About to lift my head to give him a quizzical look, I had to stop myself once I realised the ink was filling in itself.
But, I still didn't get it. Just what was he doing?
Finding the courage, I peeked down at the now full page filled with the details of my life. I was further silenced then, my heart ceasing to beat for a moment that felt like years. I could barely find the courage to look over it; the page bearing everything from my birth to mere hours ago. It was such a strangely intimate yet chilling thing, so much that I didn't even know if I wanted to read it at all. But, one thing stuck out to me like it was being lifted off the page.
cause of death.
I remember it too well, the day I had died. I remember everything about it, the sharp squeezes in my chest, the uncomfortable pressure in my back and nausea that had overcome me. At the time, I thought almost nothing of it, just associating it with the dizziness that came with all of the drinking. And I had never thought that the stress it was putting on my body would do anything detrimental.
I remember feeling the alcohol in my system swimming around and pounding as I tried to steady myself on the wall beside me with a single bleak push of my clammy hand. But, it was quick, the beating in my head and the pain in my chest quickly proving to be too much for my body to handle.
I remember waking up what felt like seconds later to a shock of electricity, but only for a few moments. I knew I was at the hospital, and I wanted to open my eyes, to tell everyone that I was fine. But, I knew I wasn't.
The last words I heard were ones I never want to hear again.
"Lee Taeyong, time of death, 11:54:17 PM, February 13th, 2013. cause of death; heart attack per alcohol poisoning and failure of the righthand g calorie adrenergic receptor."
"Why are you showing me this?" I asked this minutes later, after I succumbed to my curiosity and digested the heaps of familiar information that had been placed in front of me.
"You're a guardian angel, Taeyong. And you lived a great life; so, why is it so hard to remember your place now?" He asked quietly, his voice finally acknowledging my presence.
"My place?" I repeated, not able to help the blatant look of disbelief on my face. "With all due respect, but that was out of the question the moment I realised she could see me too,"
"Still, I'm sure you're aware that there were different ways to handle that situation, am I correct?"
"Yeonghwan, I don't know. I still haven't figured out why I can see her in the first place. Much less the problem I'm supposed to help her with."
With a strangely knowing look, Yeonghwan just said, "Maybe you're looking too hard."
I didn't have the heart to answer.
"What I just did-" I started, the tips of my ears turning red as I look away. "I just want to let you know that it was my only choice. Things were derailing too fast for me to do anything that took a lot of time."
a lie
It might've been the last resort, but I would do again one hundred times if it was with her.
"Your only choice, huh? That just sounds like a fancy excuse to me."
I resisted a sigh. It sounded pessimistic, but I knew that there was no way that Yeonghwan ever understand. He was part of an old generation of guardian angels, one that had been around for almost longer than time itself. His traditions and morals were rock hard, and if my case wasn't the most blatant rock crashing through the window for him, I didn't know what was.
--
THIRD POV:
Yeonghwan held a small smile and hoped the younger wouldn't notice how stiff the action was. Taeyong didn't look particularly worried, but he seemed to be having an inner battle himself, most likely one that Yeonghwan couldn't even hope to ever understand.
Taeyong was like a mystery, his actions and thoughts too complex for Yeonghwan to understand.
Ever since he'd been placed under Yeonghwan six years ago, he'd been that way. But, watching him with the human he'd been assigned to, Cha Dohyeong, he'd learned more about him in the span of one month than he had in the span of six years.
He didn't understand, and truthfully, he didn't care to. He liked seeing Taeyong enjoy himself in the human world again, and he liked everything that came back to him. Sure, there were hiccups when Taeyong happened to make a bigger mistake, but everything had resulted in good things for him and the boy, so he never discouraged him in doing what he wanted to.
But, even this time, he still thought he had gone a little too far.
Before, it was understandable when he made a small mistake, and Yeonghwan was even rewarded sometimes for helping him so nicely, but now, this was an entirely different story. He couldn't send him off with a warning, and it would be no good to revoke his wings, especially after what had just happened.
But, Taeyong kept insisting that it was his last resort, so he still kept that thought in the back of his mind when deciding the boy's fate.
"It's not an excuse, Yeonghwan. I needed to get your attention, and that just happened to be the way I thought of first."
"Why in the world would you need to do that when you could just come up yourself? And why that, of all things?"
Taeyong let out an irritated sigh, running a hand through his hair. He chose to tackle the first question first, as the second one would probably take a lot more explaining. "I wasn't able to. I was beginning to appear to people besides Dohyeong, and I lost a few of my abilities for some time. So, I figured that was probably something I should fix."
"Losing your abilities?"
Taeyong nodded, sending Yeonghwan's expression down into one of grim realisation.
"Let me ask you something; do you like being a guardian angel?"
He hesitated for a moment but still nodded. "I do, a lot."
"Then, I'll have to keep you here for now."
ONE MONTH LATER
DOHYEONG'S POV
It wasn't like it had been easy to move on.
I had still thought I saw him every once and a while, my eyes just playing what must have been a force of habit at that point. But I knew this time was different. He didn't come back after a few days, not even a week. And maybe it was then I began to realise that day was probably the last I'd ever see of him again.
Which, to be honest, was the worst realisation I've ever had.
Taeyong, in whatever way, was my everything. He was my good friend, my supporter, my partner, my crush. And having him suddenly gone from every aspect of my life was a big change then.
I no longer had him sitting at one of the lab tables next to be in bio, occasionally telling me the answers and trying his hardest to make me laugh in an otherwise silent classroom. I no longer had him walking next to me after school, both of us exchanging stories and making new memories. I no longer saw his smile that would often be the only thing getting me through the day.
And, it had sucked that after that, my days were back to normal. I'd sit quietly in school, get stressed, fix things without telling anyone, laugh normally with friends and act like nothing was out of the ordinary, when in reality, my world was completely flipped. Even my birthday, which had fallen a few weeks after he'd disappeared, wasn't that fun.
Things were way more different than just the physicals, though. With him gone, it seemed that I was changing a little bit myself, too. I knew it was inevitable, but I hated it. I didn't want to let this affect me as much as it had, but he'd left me in a situation so heartbreaking, that I felt like it was possible I'd never be exactly the same.
But I still knew that life would go on. And whether it was with him or not, well, that was still questionable.
It seemed almost impossible then, but someone was still always reassuring me, telling me everything would work out. Aera had been sceptical ever since I'd told her about a boy with red hair, silently and obliviously following me about two months ago when he'd first appeared, but I think what happened with the jacket at her party had significantly changed her mind.
So, when I'd told her about what happened a month ago, she had been genuinely sympathetic, which I was grateful for. She could have told me to get over it, maybe even to stop imagining things, but she didn't.
"He's gone, and, I-" I paused, biting my lip as I admitted, "I don't know when or if he's coming back,"
"Aera, he'd done that on purpose. He'd gathered up everything, and let it go before I could even say a thing."
I laughed.
"How cruel is that?"
But I knew it wasn't cruel. I wasn't ever mad at him for doing what he did, because it was so him, barely thought out, but still done for a reason. And I tried to carry that on, and it had more or less worked. Taeyong hadn't ever done anything with bad intentions, so I convinced myself that what he had done -- it was probably for the best.
A month later, February, I was doing okay. Things were close to going back to the way they always had, but things weren't exactly going as smooth as I had hoped. My sadness and longing might've been gone, but my feelings were something I couldn't repress, no matter how hard I tried.
My heartbeat was still a little faster when I thought about the memories we'd shared, and my face still heated up when I thought about the day we'd parted. It was like a curse; saying that I was completely fine, and was over everything when in reality, I was still just as lovesick as I had been that day.
But there was nothing I could do about it.
Aera and Yuta were still going strong, applying for colleges together and taking a lot of time alone. Hyeokjae was also doing fairly well with his boyfriend, I knew. We were doing better since we'd made up too, and after Taeyong, my feelings for him were pretty much gone. Jiseon and Mark had also gone and buckled down a bit, the comical pair finally admitting their feelings for each other after the night they'd shared at the beach.
I was the only one that was still left alone, and though everyone was telling me that it would be easy for me to find someone, only Aera knew why I refused. Even if it was stubborn, I didn't want to move on so quickly.
And, apparently, I was right to do so.
March came quickly, but the morning I woke up in an unfamiliar room was the day I knew something was different about that day. No longer were the posters on my wall, nor the familiar sheets and blankets on my bed, instead a pristine office, oddly latent and eerie.
"Excuse me?"
I tore my eyes away from the room to look at a man I hadn't even noticed sitting in front of me. He seemed young, but the way he sat told me otherwise, and the familiar halo atop his head told me I probably wouldn't ever be sure.
Not being able to stop myself, I blurted out, "Am I dreaming?"
He just gave me a slightly bewildered look and laughed. I wish I could say the sound was charismatic or comforting, but it made me feel seriously nervous instead. I felt like he knew something I didn't, and it was driving me crazy.
"I'm afraid not, Dohyeong. What you're looking at is heaven."
My eyes estranged from the man in front of me at the cryptic sentence. Everything around me seemed to encompass what you would expect of an average office.
Before I could say anything, he let out a mundane sigh. "Yes, I'm aware this doesn't fit the image you're thinking of. But, of course, humans would be the ones to imagine this place as a paradise up in the clouds. They're a little light in the head, wishing for something that doesn't exist."
I waited for the 'no offence', but it never came.
I nodded hesitantly, trying to keep up a conversation. "We all want what we can't have. That's not just humans."
"Certainly," He nodded as if confirming my statement before continuing casually. "You know that well, I assume?"
I felt flushed under his judging gaze but did my best to ignore it. Whoever this guy was, he obviously didn't have a very fond opinion of either me or the human race.
"Maybe I do. So, let me ask you one thing: who are you?"
He smiled, but it wasn't a friendly smile. It was almost devilish, ironically, but I didn't budge as I waited for his response.
"Me? My name is Yeonghwan, but that's not important to you," He said, his head dropping as his eyes narrowed, like he was trying to taunt me.
"Fine. What am I supposed to know, then? Should I know why I'm here or is that the same?" I asked, trying to carry the same jeering tone that he did so effortlessly.
"I was positive that you would have figured that out already, with the introduction and what-not."
"I'm afraid I didn't. Do you care to explain?"
Yeonghwan just nodded, "I would normally, but it seems I have no choice."
Without waiting for a response, the jestful atmosphere he'd set in place abruptly turned solemn. Whatever type of person the man standing in front of me turned out to be, I could tell that he wasn't fooling around anymore.
"You were the person under Lee Taeyong, is that correct?"
I blinked, the name setting off familiar signals in my brain. It had been months since I'd heard his name, considering Aera tended to treat it as if it was some sort of omen. I understood her reasoning and pure intent to help me all she could, but I can't say that it ever really worked positively in the end.
"Yes, that's true. But, I still have no idea what this is about. The last I remember, I was asleep in my bed, and now I'm here arguing with the second man with a halo I've ever seen in person."
A half-smile. "I'm offering you something, but if you see it as a joke, then that's fine, too."
"I still can't say I can give a true opinion, considering I still don't know what you're talking about,"
Yeonghwan's expression was simple, almost mocking as he began to explain. "Taeyong... there was something about him that was different, so we had to constantly monitor him. Then, after things went haywire, we had no other choice but to pull him indefinitely. I hope you understand our decision to keep him here."
"'Something about him was different'," I repeated, the words obviously not affecting him in the least as he continuing to smile casually.
"And it is my obligation and part as a person of dignity to humbly thank you for creating trouble, but all in all, giving your best shot. So, think of this as your reward, of sorts." He told me this like it was the best news I'd ever hear, but I was feeling possibly the farthest from grateful.
"Obligation? Dignity? My best shot? You're certainly confident. Show me with your actions, not your mouth, sir."
From what I could gather, Taeyong was a defect. That was what his words suggested, and the added 'reward' and 'monitor' put a bad taste in my mouth. I didn't know what the man in front of me was going on about, but I didn't know if it was good or not.
"You have a fiery tone, girl. If this wasn't a formal meeting, believe me when I say this would go differently. But alas. So, before either of us says something they'll regret, allow me to explain what kind of situation you're in."
I was irritated with him, but I couldn't deny that he had the upper hand in a situation like this, so I just sat and waited for him to speak.
"Everything about him staying down in the human world was wrong, and he knew it. That's what he told me, and I don't know what he told you, but judging from the way you act, you don't know much. That boy, the longer he spent with you, the more he became human."
"Your jacket, why can she see it?"
"Your mom, she saw me last night."
"It's all taking its toll, too quickly."
My eyes immediately left him as the words escaped his mouth. I didn't really know what to say to that. Taeyong preferred to hide things and deal with them himself, that was just the type of person he was, but I hadn't expected something like this.
I twisted the worn ring on my finger out of pure habit as the man watched me silently.
"He didn't tell me a lot about the technical stuff," I agreed, nodding as I looked back at him. "Because he always said that I shouldn't have to help with his problems because it was his job to help with mine. Dumb mindset, isn't it?"
My voice was uncharacteristically soft, and for once, the man in front of me didn't have a witty remark to respond with.
"But, it was inevitable and I know it. What else happened?"
He took this as a sign to continue, delving further into the topic of trouble he'd spoken briefly about. "He was a little bit of a troublemaker up here, which is part of the reason he was gone so often. Breaking insignificant laws isn't often a big deal, but he took to the whole list. Unintentionally, I know, but the boy was in loads of trouble constantly for even saying a word to you to begin with."
I knew this, but I still found myself feeling bad. Maybe if I had ignored him at the beach, we wouldn't be here now. But, I knew I would never change what had happened.
"Most of all," He continued, picking up after viewing my sour expression, "he could talk to and see you right off the bat. He's like paperwork waiting to happen. Full of illegal stuff, that kid."
"I do want to know, why did that happen? I'm sure that doesn't happen normally?"
He shook his head. "It doesn't, no. And, I suppose it's only rightful for you to know at this point. Call it fate, whatever you want. The placement of your roles was only a mistake in the way that the goal originally stated could never be obtained. If your roles were different, maybe your future would be different as well."
"Because, if there hadn't been obstacles in your way, things would have gone differently, wouldn't they?"
I paused, suddenly nervous to answer. "..Yes, maybe they would have."
He let out a slightly discouraged sigh but continued. "You were assigned a guardian angel in a time of need in your life. That was the reason he was sent to you; you -- someone incredibly lonely and insecure with the people you trust to place affection onto, needed one person that could fix it. And, the one person that could do that happened to come to you in the form of a guardian angel, giving you the power to communicate."
"In other words, he can talk to me because he's the only one that can help me, and because that's all our roles allow," I trailed off, still slightly taken aback.
"All in all, this was never supposed to happen. And that's why I called you up to here today, Dohyeong. Say it was meant to be, whatever, but with the way everything's played out so far plus the roles you're in, this might be the last time you can see him."
My heart abruptly dropped to my stomach upon hearing those words.
"Hey, wait-- I understand your reasoning but nothing that happened was big enough to-"
"He fell in love with a human, miss. That's certainly big enough."
He fell in love..?
A wave of emotions rushed through my chest as my lips parted in surprise. I had been harbouring a stupidly huge crush on him, the man that had become like a best friend in the past months, but had been too nervous to do anything when he had been falling in love?
He really did hide things from me, as if he could solve them alone. It was like puzzle pieces were flying together, but I knew it wasn't a moment to be rejoicing.
"So, you're telling me, that I may never see him again," I whispered weakly, tears coming to my eyes, "but at least he loves me?"
The man just sat there and watched me silently.
"I'm afraid I am. Truly, I don't understand the appeal of anything that's been happening even with full understanding, but I give my regards to you,"
I tried to swallow the tears that slicked my throat. "You said I could see him, right?"
He nodded. "Yes. You can, so if you want, please step this way."
As soon as his words faded out, a portal of sorts appeared on the floor. It was black, swirling with purple, and looked like something you would certainly never want to step in on purpose. But, I didn't have a choice.
So, I gave the man one last nod of thanks before stepping in and letting the portal engulf me.
--
I felt like I was falling for hours. Like an illusion, the world was rushing around me and twisting in turning in ways that I hadn't thought possible. It was like a bad joke, the situation I was in. But, I had no time to think about it as the feeling of the solid ground suddenly materialised beneath my feet.
Almost as soon as I hit a flat surface, my knees buckled as a strangled cough escaped my throat. My body was obviously not used to travelling that way, and it showed immediately. My head was spinning, and I was so nauseous that I even managed to momentarily forget where I was. All I could comprehend was that somewhere out of the peripheral layers of my senses, a voice was calling out to me.
I could barely open my eyes, and I felt like coughing my guts up, but the sound of the voice lapsing in and out made me force my eyes open. Like a habit I'd almost forgotten, I lifted my head at the voice with my wrist over my mouth to see an outstretched hand, and a familiar face sitting beyond bars.
I blinked, and it took a moment for my senses to come back to me before my vision focused on what was in front of me. Then with a small gasp, I reacted as soon as I could, over to him in a second and gripping onto his hand like it was a lifeline.
I whispered his name like I would a grateful thanks, tears spilling over my cheeks as I gripped his hand tightly. It had been months since I'd seen him last, but he still looked like the same Taeyong that had stood with me at the edge of the ocean, the same Taeyong that always comforted me when nothing seemed to be going right, and the same Taeyong that had kissed me as a farewell.
"Dohyeong,"
His hand shook unsteadily in mine, but with what I couldn't tell.
"You'll get in trouble if they find you," He whispered, his voice sad but his eyes unwavering. It was almost as if he thought that if he blinked, I would disappear. And, I didn't blame him.
I squeezed his hand with a small smile "Don't worry about me, you're the one who's in trouble, Taeyong. You said you could handle everything yourself, so how did you get yourself into this situation?"
He let out a breathy laugh as he let his forehead lean against the bars. "I'm sorry. I didn't expect this."
I could try my hardest to be mad at him, for not letting me help him through something like this, for risking everything just to be a little closer to someone like me, but I knew I never could. Like the man I'd just spoken to had said, most of the things that he'd done to piss off his higher powers hadn't been intentional. And either way, I couldn't be mad knowing his intentions were pure.
I squeezed his hand and offered him a tight smile. The look in his eye was soft but uncharacteristically frightened, and it put me off to no limit. Whatever kind of situation we'd gotten ourselves into, it obviously wasn't going to be easily handled.
"You kept your ring," he trailed off, leaving me in temporary confusion.
I followed his eyes to where the ring he'd given me months prior sat on my finger, untouched apart from the slight fading of the finish. I smiled softly as if the very sight brought good feelings.
I nodded, joking softly, "Of course I did, it was pretty much the only thing you left behind."
But, it obviously didn't come out as a joke to him. He looked sad, guilty, even, at my words, and it made my heart drop.
"I wish things could have gone differently." He whispered this suddenly, trailing off as I watched him silently. "Maybe then we wouldn't be sitting here close to tears on a dirty floor."
I laughed gently. If only the universe had been that kind.
"I wish for something similar," I nodded in agreement. "Maybe then everything wouldn't have to end here -- on a dirty floor."
His expression briefly stilled as he pushed out, "What do you mean 'end here'? You're - you're not going anywhere, are you?"
I could feel tears coming with the way his voice broke.
"Taeyong, this --, this is the last time I'll be able to see you. I thought you already knew," I said quietly, my heart shattering at the way his expression crumbled. He looked defeated and vulnerable, and at that moment, I decided that it was something that I never wanted to see from him again.
He did nothing but utter a small, "What?"
Then, his head began to drop, and his grip on my hand tightened as his tears began to flow. Seeing him in such emotional pain had me in a similar position not even moments later.
After minutes of silence, he whispered, "Say you're lying, that it's just a dramatic joke before you tell me all the good news."
I didn't have the heart to say anything as he looked up at me.
"Tell me you're lying, please."
I wasn't lying, no matter how much as I wished that I was. Soon after, I knew I had to accept the situation, so I reached through the bars, took his face in my hands, and promised him that no matter what, we would meet again.
But, I wished that we could stop ending off with that. We shouldn't have to say goodbye without knowing if we'd ever see each other again. It was always 'maybe I'll see you again if things work out' or 'i hope we can spend every day together when we can'. But, I knew that there was no hope left for us, no matter how bad it sounded. It was depressing to think that the one person I was so close to and trusted with everything couldn't even stay by my side.
But I knew that for now, that would have to do.
Yeonghwan's voice sounded not long after that, telling me back to his office as quickly as possible in the form of another portal.
I held Taeyong's hand as firmly as I could after Yeonghwan's voice ceased because truthfully, I was afraid of what would happen after I let go. Would I be sent back home to continue my day? Would I have to pretend everything was normal, even though I'd just ended the best things that had ever happened to me?
I didn't want to know, and it was clear that Taeyong didn't want me to find out, either.
"Please, stay a minute longer." His voice sounded so broken, and I couldn't help but wallow in my sentiments. The last thing I wanted to do was leave, but I didn't want to get either of us in any more trouble, so, with a quiet and tearful exchange, we stood up.
"I said that I wanted to stay with you that night we came back from the party, so, please, have faith that this really isn't the end of everything?" I asked softly, taking note in the way his lips curled up faintly in a sad smile.
With one last squeeze of my hand, he said, "If that's what you want, then I have no right to refuse,"
--
an: one last chapter and an epilogue left :)
* that video up top was playing on repeat when I was writing this chapter lmao