Pain:
Dull stinging that consumes your thoughts
And allures you to add to your collection of scars.
Heat that takes form as intrusive thoughts
At least you hope so, because then they will escape
Thoughts that make you crave to not experience anything
But the static behind your eyes forever
Although you are deathly afraid of it,
Thoughts that make you see past the illusion
that you are loved and wanted in this world.
Perhaps in another life, another universe even
But surely not this one.
Here, you are tolerated at most.
You know nothing will change tomorrow if you were to let go today.
Tomorrow, there would be questions and jokes made
The next day, it would be passed off as sickness
The day after that, only a few people would text the number of a dead person
A week later, people would probably find out
And then they'd move on.
Because there's no reason for me to stay.
The only purpose I have in life is to be an example
Of everything that is wrong and you shouldn't do
Maybe I get quick, humourless laughs out of people
But no one really needs me here.
I'm expendable. Everyone has done a good job of making me know that.
My sister never needed me.
My little brother has another sibling.
My parents wanted a boy and probably won't mind if I left.
My friends have other people and they never needed me anyway.
I hate pain. But it is how I deal with these thoughts
When the fog has lifted and I see what is really here.
Other relapses weren't as bad
But now this sick addiction is worse than ever
I feel that I really am dependent on opening my skin.
Pain is many things including something I cannot handle.
It's red spilling out of a cut that I will regret later
But know I deserved.
In this wide world, I am a waste of space.
The sun that shines for all of us
Doesn't need to shine on me
I don't deserve light. I don't deserve to be here
Although this world that I used to dream about is a nightmare
I still don't deserve to be here.
People find it funny how easy I am to provoke
And how tired I am usually
Well that's because it is tiring being in a
constant state of pain
And when you think about that pain,
Your mind tells you to add to it because you deserve it.
It's tiring constantly being anxious over whatever
And being on edge all the time because of no particular reason
And having your own family make fun of you
For fidgeting and bouncing your leg when you are panicking.
It's tiring knowing that you are a waste of space.
It's tiring crying over nothing and trying to stop but just feeling worse.
It's tiring having people provoke and 'break' you because of how easy it is.
Some people pride themselves on how they can 'break' people:
Make them loose it, push them past the tipping point.
Well, when I finally have the courage to
embark on 'life's next great adventure',
When I finally stop telling myself lies that people still want me here,
When I'm finally broken past the point of being fixed to any extent,
Pride yourself on that.
Feel proud when I'm being buried 6 feet under.
Feel proud that maybe, that one comment
Added just the right amount of fuel to the fire,
Just enough salt to the wound
That it saved the world from me being alive another day.
I hope you feel proud.