32 - i'm sorry to leave you -
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Dohyeong's POV
The rest of the day consisted of sleeping, pointless wandering, and lots, and lots of crackers. My dad always kept a box of flavourless crackers in the kitchen as a palette cleanser, and I hated them normally, but since they were the only thing I could eat, I devoured almost an entire box in the span of one day.
It was sort of funny, the way I'd pad down the stairs, walking in a way that could only mean that I was headed for somewhere, only to end up in the kitchen. It even almost made me laugh once or twice. In no way did I enjoy being sick, but in a way, having such a simple, stressless day was kind of relaxing.
But Taeyong, of course, wasn't enjoying my behaviours one bit. He'd sit by my bedside with a constant concerned expression as I slept, and walk beside me when I stumbled out of sleep to get the said crackers. He wouldn't do anything but watch as I ate, much less talk rather than helping me back upstairs to where I'd fall back asleep or just lay there. I felt a little bad, seeing as it was obvious that he was worried about me.
It was probably safe to say that it wasn't as relaxing a day for him.
But when I laid down to go to sleep later in the night, I was the one that wasn't relaxed. Tomorrow was the first round of exams —I had two in total—and with how I was going right now, I couldn't be sure of what was to happen. I would like to go into school to get at least one test done, and it was likely that I'd go in any way even if I was sick. These were the tests that determine my future, and all I wanted was to do well on them.
But, there were also a lot of reasons I probably couldn't go in.
I'm sure Taeyong would try his best in coaxing me into staying home if I end up in the same condition tomorrow morning, and I doubt either of my parents would have much trouble doing the same, but I still thought that it would be right to go in and at least take it, no matter what happens.
I needed all of the stress off of me as soon as possible, and if that meant going into the exams feeling a little under the weather, then so be it.
I bit my lip as I stared up at the ceiling, finally deciding what I was going to do. "Taeyong,"
I didn't know where he was in the room, but I heard a soft response moments after. Hearing his voice made me hesitate slightly, but once the words were out, I knew that he probably wouldn't let me take them back.
"I'm going to take medicine and go in tomorrow, okay?"
Silence.
"Okay. If that's what you want."
I picked my head up and furrowed my eyebrows, meeting his eyes from where he was sitting by the end of my bed. I searched his expression for any sense of bluff, but even when I found none, I still wasn't really convinced.
I hesitated. "What?"
"Go in tomorrow if you'd really like. I'm here to help you, not guide you. It's obvious that your exams mean a lot to you, so why would I stop you?" He said simply, pulling his gaze away and standing up. "All that matters to me is that you're happy in the end."
And so, I went to sleep with that mindset. I woke up with my fever a few degrees lighter and I took some medicine to help calm it down even further. Because, after all, I had already decided that I was going to go in no matter what, and his words had done nothing but encourage me. I was going to get this done and I was going to do it well.
He sat with me as I took it, grabbing my hand when I would put my head down every once in a while. He would remind me not to push myself too far, and would occasionally help me with a question if I was lost, which to my credit, was only a few times. But, thanks to that, I walked out of the exam feeling the best I had in the past few days.
Once I sat back down in my car, I couldn't help but give him a wide smile. "I did it!"
"You did it!" He cheered, holding up his hand and giving me a high five. "I'm proud of you for getting that done,"
"I was half afraid that you would relapse into hibernation in the middle of the test or something," He teased me, getting a light scoff from me.
"Hey, the medicine is helping, so I won't collapse in a heap anytime soon. I promise."
"I don't know," He shrugged, his playful attitude making an obvious comeback. "I thought I almost saw you doze off a couple of times,"
I scoffed, tearing my eyes away from his endearing yet challenging smile. "I'll have you know I was completely awake the whole time, and I definitely didn't start to doze off! Not even once!"
He shook his head, and almost sassily said, "Whatever you say."
As I drove, silence fell over us. But it was comfortable, almost like a soft blanket of sorts, worn and frayed, but still familiar. And it settled over us as easily as it always had. Simply. Effortlessly.
It was only when we were sitting in my driveway again did he say something, the mood suddenly going sour.
"Dohyeong, what would you do if you woke up one day and I was gone?"
I looked over at him, a surprised laugh stumbling out of me. "What do you mean?"
I didn't get why he would suddenly ask something like that. But fortunately, it didn't take me long to think of my answer.
"I mean, I guess I'm not sure," I admitted, watching him carefully as his eyes scrutinised me. "I'd really miss you. But, where is this coming from?"
His eyes shifted away from me and he sighed, hesitating.
"It feels good to help you, and I love seeing you happy. I love making you laugh and having normal conversations with you. But, moments like just now just remind me of how little time I might have left."
I just watched him silently, and he took this as an opportunity to continue.
"Like the jacket thing - I'm afraid that it's already taking its toll."
He didn't have to say it. I had my own thoughts about why his jacket had done what it'd done, and I recognised that it was worth the worry. But, I hoped that I wasn't right, because nothing I pictured ended well.
"When you're gone," I began, choosing not to notice the look in his eyes went he turned to see me again. "I'll try my best to continue strongly, and I'll smile and tell you goodbye without regrets,"
"Because I truly have no regrets when it comes to you."
I finally looked over to meet his eye, and the look in his eyes was indescribable. Adoring? Respecting? Proud? Whatever it was, it was enough to push a small smile out of me.
"And the jacket, I mean-- all we can do is hope it was a little slip, right?"
His eyes moved away again when he let out a slightly distressed sounding sigh. "I guess,"
Hoping to leave the conversation behind smoothly, I joked, "But, please don't disappear anytime soon, okay? Who else would I trust with my deepest and darkest fears?"
He laughed, joking right back. "I know your fears now, so fear none!"
I took medicine again around noon, and I was beginning to feel decently better by then. Taeyong still made sure to comment on my slightly pale complexion and the occasional cough, though, but I chose to ignore him most of the time.
Since I was free for the rest of the day and almost better, I let the feeling of stress lifting off my shoulders consume me. The exam I'd taken that morning was the one I'd been dreading the most, but now that it was done and over with, and I actually felt confident about it, I felt like I was floating.
I felt like clapping my hands and cheering for myself, like a small congratulations for finally getting past the thing I'd been dreading for the past month or so.
And it would just be smooth sailing from there. Or, at least I hoped it would be.
So, I tried to have as much fun as I could, to take advantage of the feeling. Since my parents were both at work, I explored the kitchen with Taeyong, eating my fill of random stuff here and there since I hadn't even eaten a proper meal in the past day or so. And it was fun since I knew that it must have been amusing to watch me try and consecutively eat a cup of ramen and some leftovers my dad had brought home from his restaurant.
Catching his eye over a mixture of ramen and seasoned pork and bursting into laughter is one of the feelings I was sure that I'd never regret.
I visited Aera later, having fun with her like old times. The only difference was that this time, she was a little more wary of Taeyong's presence. Though she couldn't see him, she mentioned a few times how it felt like someone was there anyway. I tried not to think about this, but there were still a few doubtful thoughts that kept popping up in the back of my head.
Taeyong had been cautious talking about things like that lately, but I figured that it was just him being superstitious.
I hoped desperately that everything would work out.
But overall, the day was long. Fun, but also very long. I was almost falling asleep when I walked up to my stairs that night, overcome with exhaustion. Taeyong and I did our usual routine as I changed lazily from my clothes into my pyjamas, the only thing keeping me awake being the presence at my back and the words he was saying.
When I laid down to go to sleep, he placed his thumb on my forehead, tapping it a few time as his hand cradled the side of my head lightly. I opened my eyes again slightly to the sensation, feeling a rush of happiness flood through me as I watched him smile.
"Good night, Dohyeong."
I smiled loosely and leaned into his hand, watching his smile widen as I closed my eyes. I wasn't sure how long he had stayed like that, but when I woke up in the morning, he was sitting by the side of the bed, right below me.
As my early morning vision began to focus on him, for once, I wasn't stressing about anything. The exam I had left to take was far in the back of my mind, and at that point, even Hyeokjae was farther. Taeyong made it seem like nothing else mattered, and if I was being honest, I liked it, but I was also a little scared of it. Because, I knew that sooner or later I would have to let that, and him, go.
I'd gotten so used to life with him around, I'd barely stopped to think about what it would be like without him.
It was cruel that I only had to now because things were changing. I had a bit of a schoolgirl crush on him, and meanwhile, he was dealing with the weight of everything else, most likely unaware of everything he didn't try to be attentive to. But, I still thought that was okay. I wanted to keep it that way for as long as possible, actually, so hopefully, with time, I would learn that he could never be more than a friend.
His head turned around as my vision focused on his small smile.
"Good morning, Dohyeong."
For once, I have a problem that he can't help with.
If I could, I would stuff it down, but he wasn't exactly something I could ignore. I didn't think I would have much trouble masking it if it was him, though. I'd learned to know how to hide things from him in the past, so how was this any different?
because it includes him.
I couldn't answer that yet.
But, I knew I shouldn't be thinking about any of that when he was right in front of me because while I could hide things from him if I needed to, he could see right through me if given the opportunity. So, I just gave him a tired smile and greeted him as normal.
"Morning, how was your night?"
Usually, I could find him in the same spot every night, sitting on the floor right next to where I slept. But, I also knew that he occasionally left. I didn't know what he did, but I always assumed that he left for things that were important, so I never found it necessary to ask. But last night, I had noticed that he would sometimes sit on the other side of the bed with me and stare out the window, looking as if he was in deep thought.
I didn't want to mention that, though.
He gave me a small smile, his eyes trailing away as if he wasn't telling me something. "It was nothing special. What about you, I hope you slept well?"
But, I decided to let it go.
I went about the day as normal, staying home since I didn't have an exam yet, sleeping in, and eating a late lunch. It was like a weekend, but, the only difference was, something was off. And, If I hadn't been made aware of it, I knew that I probably never would've known.
"Hey, Dohyeong, do you remember anything that happened last night?"
I looked up at him over my cup of yoghurt, my brow creasing. "What? Last night? I don't think so, why?"
His eyes trailed away as if he was unsure of what to say.
"Can we maybe.. go out for a bit?"
"Taeyong, you're acting kind of weird," I said, putting my spoon down in the cup so I could look right at him. "What's wrong?"
He gave me a smile that was, admittedly, a pretty disarming smile, but I still wasn't convinced
"If something happened, it'd probably be better for you to tell me while I'm sitting down, right?" I joked, trying to bring up the atmosphere from the gloomy one that had settled.
And a flicker of a real smile was on his lips for a moment, but it was gone as soon as it came. He quickly stood up, letting out an instinctive sigh as he walked over to where I was sitting and put his hands out.
"Come on, up."
I just looked back and forth between his face and his hands. "What?"
"Come on," He repeated. "Let's go out and get your blood flowing. Your eating pattern has been off lately, so I'm sure going out somewhere will help your recovering body cope."
I narrowed my eyes, raising a brow. "That sounds like an excuse to me,"
He just smiled, finally pulling me up on his own. Obviously impatient, with a snap of his fingers, my shoes were on my feet and my jacket was in my arms. I began to look up at him in disbelief, but before I could say anything, he pulled me away and towards the door.
I didn't know why he was doing this, but since he made such a big deal about getting out, I found myself not minding as much.
He took me on a familiar route, halfway into the neighbourhood I lived in and on a path that led over to the next. Though, the reason that we liked to walk here regularly was the space in the middle, a short expanse of open grass with a great view from about a half a mile each way. It was especially beautiful around sunset, or when the trees were blooming in the spring.
The path looped through the opposite neighbourhood and came back to end on the street my house was on, so it was an easy walk. But, it was sort of stressful now, as I could probably cut the tension Taeyong was oh-so-graciously providing with a knife.
"Taeyong, what's-"
"Hey, wanna go over there?"
He cut off my words with a point to the playground nearby, his expression was happy but his eyes evasive. I could tell he was trying his hardest to waste time. But, I still couldn't bring myself to say no.
"..Sure."
He pulled me along to the playground, where he immediately went to sit on the swings, pushing himself back and forth with his legs. I wanted to laugh, and I couldn't help but admit that he was doing an awfully good job at distracting me.
"Come sit with me,"
I looked up to see his inviting smile, and I momentarily felt my heart pick up its pace. No matter how much I wanted to, there was still no way I could say no. So, I just nodded, going around to take the swing next to him.
We were silent, but unlike the day before, it was an awkward silence. The feeling I had almost made me want to scream, it was so utterly suffocating.
"Taeyong," I mumbled, trying to avoid his eyes by looking at the ground. "Tell me what's going on, please."
He didn't look surprised in the least at my words, but he still said nothing.
"I'm sorry."
I picked my head up immediately, my brow creasing. "What are you talking about?"
"I should've told you a long time ago."
I was growing wary as I whispered, "Taeyong?"
"The jacket wasn't the first time I appeared to someone else." He finally admitted.
It took me a moment to understand what he meant, but when I did, my blood ran cold. I didn't know what to say, so I just stared at him, my lips parting in shock.
But all I could ask was: "How long...?"
"I don't know. But, Dohyeong, it's getting worse." He said, his voice quiet and his words full of worry. "First it was just animals, then it was objects, but, last night-"
Taeyong stopped, and I steeled myself on the swing, anxious for what was to come next.
He started off softly. "Your mom, she came into your room last night."
oh no
Finally looking me in the eye, I saw him worried for the first time.
"She saw me, Dohyeong."
I immediately pulled my gaze away from him, my breath almost stopping. Without looking up, I managed to say," I don't understand. Why is this happening to you?"
"I don't know, but that's what I want to figure out."
My brows furrowed as I stared at the woodchips beneath my feet. "Do you mean-"
"Yes. But, the problem is, I can't fix it because I can't get back on my own anymore. So, either I do something to get their attention or I stay and hope it fixes itself."
"Well, you want to fix it, don't you?"
He was silent, but it was only for a split second before he nodded. "Of course."
"But I need to think about it. It needs to be something that sends me up right away in a single hit," he explained, getting my attention again. "Plus, I don't want to leave you just yet."
I looked up at him with a soft expression.
"I want you to solve your problem, though. You've helped me so many times with mine, so I think it's only fair."
He smiled, turning his head away momentarily as if to hide his face. "I've tried to tell you from day one that I'm the one responsible for you, but why do you always make it feel like it's the other way around?"
I just smiled. "This arrangement doesn't make you any less important!"
"You're the most important, and don't argue with me!"
"No, Taeyong. You are, really!"
Our solemn conversation ended up in laughs and him chasing me around, but all in all, I was glad that the universe had provided a little distraction from what was to come. It was official, the possibility of Taeyong leaving, possibly for good, was in sight. But, with him hot on my heels, I wasn't too concerned with that at the moment
I stopped after I had run around the playset, taking a small breather, but when I turned around to run again, I bumped straight into his chest. I shrieked with laughter as he pulled me closer, holding me to him as tightly as he could.
"Alright, alright," I laughed, "Stop!"
He let go of me, so I took a small safe step away. But, I made the mistake of looking up at him as I did. His eyes were more thoughtful than I had imagined, and now that I was seeing them up close, I felt like I could almost see the webs in his eyes that connected each and every one of his complex thoughts together.
"You know, I think I know something that'll get their attention." He whispered, slightly breathless.
Me, being as clueless as ever, just forced a smile. "Already? What were you thinking.?"
His eyes trailed down my face until he replied. "It was probably dumb of me to get this close to you, but I don't regret it."
"What?"
Farther. "I'm sorry for everything wrong that I did."
"Taeyong-?"
The farthest. His eyes were laid right on my lips so intently, I could almost feel a physical weight. "I'm sorry for not kissing you on Christmas night,"
My breath caught in my throat as I stared up at him.
"And I'm sorry to leave you like this."
At this moment, he looked me in a way he had never looked at me before. There was something in his eyes that I'd never quite fully seen from him. Honesty. And, vulnerability? His eyes darted between my own, his gaze laying my lips for a second too long before he looked me in the eyes again. His otherwise black, dull eyes were bright and drowned in the shining reflections of the cloudy afternoon sky.
And under that same sky, he leaned in, and finally kissed me. His lips conveyed just the soft yet desperate feeling that you would expect in a situation like this, and it didn't take me long to find the fervour to kiss back.
His hands went to my waist, pulling me into him again as if to make the most of however much time we had left. And so, I did the same, holding onto him as if someone was going to come up and try to snatch him away.
When we finally parted, he stopped, leaning his forehead against mine and leaving our heavy breaths to mingle.
"I'm sorry," Taeyong said this once, then twice in his hoarse voice. I knew he would say it as many times as he could. "Getting to know you was the best thing that's ever happened to me. I pray that I'll see you again."
And with that, he seemed to vanish into thin air, making me stumble forward onto the ground. Tears came to my eyes and began to pour over my cheeks faster than I thought I could stop them.
He was gone.
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AN: lol thats hot
I miserably failed my goal of finishing this book in exactly a year, but i'm glad i took my time writing this chapter, seeing as i've been pining over it for that long. but yeah, i'm still very happy it finally happened.
Only a couple chapters left :)
scintilla; noun.: an ember, something described as barely leaving a trace of its existence