Song: Save Yourself by Kaleo
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I didn't waste any time and quickly crowded Colton's personal space and hugged him. He chuckled lowly into my neck as relief washed over me. "You scared me, Colton. I thought....I thought that you were going to-"
"It's okay, hell doesn't want me just yet any ways." He says in an effort to comfort me. I pull away from him, dabbing my eyes until they were free of little tears that wanted to escape.
"That's not funny. I was such a wreck....the doctors said your survival chances were low and I've been such a mess all week. Don't ever do that again, scare me like that. Don't ever put yourself in that kind of a situation again, I don't think I would be able to handle it if you....didn't come back."
"I won't, I promise, Addison. I'm officially out of the gang and I want a new life now. I'm ready to leave all the violence behind me and move forwards." He says as he looks me in the eyes with his own hopeful ones.
I sit on the bed beside him and take his hand in mine. He doesn't flinch away, but instead, he cocks his head to the side slightly and furrows his eyebrows. His hair had grown a bit in the last week, so some tendrils fall into his face. "I believe I asked you a question." He says.
"Huh?"
"The question, Addison."
Then I understand. I feel my face turning red and my heart pounding. "You heard.....everything, didn't you?" I laugh awkwardly.
"I did." He responds, "Is it true, then? Do you love me?"
Suddenly the room feels hot and my hands become clammy. I pull my hand from his, I didn't really want him to feel my now moist hands, so I clasp my hands together in my lap. "I-I....yes. Yes I do love you. Through it all, I love you even though we've been through hell and back." I admit.
But he doesn't say anything, he just watches his fingers as he twiddles them. Was it too soon? Maybe he doesn't love me back. My insecurities rise up, becoming the louder voice in my mind.
"Really?" His voice cracks.
This time I don't hesitate. "I really do."
He hangs his head low, shielding my from his eyes. He brings a hand to his face and wipes his eyes, and I see a wetness on his hand when he pulls it away.
He's crying.
"Colton?"
He doesn't respond nor does he look up. He seems to want to hide his face from me, and I know he's ashamed. He hates crying, he hates tears. He grew up being told that it wasn't okay to cry, that crying was a weakness and that crying meant he had emotions and feelings which could make him easily be broken.
"Hey, look at me. Please." I beg. Finally, he does so, and slowly turns his eyes to mine once more.
They're swimming with unshed tears and my heart breaks when he speaks. "You're the first to say that to me. I've never been loved, I never thought it was possible for someone like me to be valued by someone else. Why do you love someone who is...worthless like me? I've been stripped of my dignity and most of my humanity, so why? How can someone love me when I can't even love myself?" He cries to me, losing his composure.
"If only you could see the way I see you, then you would understand. I don't only look at what you want me to see, Colton. I know you act emotionless and calm, and you use intimidation to try to distract me and others from what they could possibly see." I reply.
He seems shocked, but I continue.
"But then I saw it. You became more like an open book the better I got to know you. And now? Now do you want to know what I see?" I ask.
He nods.
"I see nothing but a broken man. You try to find value in alcohol and drugs, you try to deal with your dark memories with violence. You use all those things and more because at the end of the day, you just want to be loved, but nobody was willing to love you. So you drown yourself in bad habits as you try to fill that void in your heart, as you try to forget those that forgot you." I tell him.
By now, silent tears are streaming down his face, but it isn't long before he tries to hold in his sobs. I crush Colton in my arms as he wets my shirt with his tears. The doctor walks in, but I signal for him to leave and he quickly does so.
"It's okay, it's all going to be okay now. Let it out." I whisper to him as he clutches on to me tightly, refusing to let go. I rub his back gently, closing my own eyes as my own emotions threaten to overwhelm me.
Humanity is truly beautiful when they are unashamed to display their emotions and become vulnerable in front of others. Humanity is a beautiful thing when one finally breaks and surrender themselves to the emotions they've locked away.
Because slowly, a new being is born.
The ashes of their cold, callous selves fall away and then emerges a changed being. Their burn scars still remain, reminding them of their past, but with a willing heart and an open mind, they step out into the world, eager to start anew.
And it never ceases to amaze me how a strong man can also have the ability to crumble like a little child in ones arms.
* * *
Day by day, step by step, Colton recovered. It was slow and he grew frustrated, often taking it out on the doctors, in which I quickly calmed him.
I noticed that as the drugs wore off, his unpredictable emotions returned. It was like walking on fire around him and I knew there was something he was hiding from me, something that had to be playing a role in causing his outbursts of anger.
The doctors had already recognized that his behavior is abnormal and have recommended me sources to seek help for him if I'm wishing to.
And I was definitely wishing to.
I might even seek help for myself, too. To be truthful, both Colton and I are pretty messed up in the head. In different ways, of course, but we both could use a little help.
I just needed to talk to him about it.
"Colton?" I ask, looking up from some random magazine I was reading in his room.
"Hmph?" He responds grumpily. Ah, he's in a bad mood again.
"Look, I get that you want to leave the hospital, okay? I do too. But we're almost done! In just a day or two you can be released, so snap out of your mood right now, please?" I say to him in the least provoking and gentle tone I could muster.
He rolls his eyes. "Fine."
"Any ways, I wanted to ask you a question."
He doesn't respond, so I take his silence as a cue to continue. "I was thinking, uhm, you know how you wanted a better future? Well, I think....I think you and I should both get a little help. We both have problems and I think you might have some sort of an anger issue. I'm not trying to offend you or anything like that but-"
"I know, Addison, I know," He says with a sigh as he massages his eyebrows with his pointer finger and thumb, "You're not offending me when you tell me I have anger issues. Quite frankly, I have a lot more issues than just anger." He grumbles.
Well, at least he admits he has a problem.
"I really fucking hate the idea of....of getting help and doing shit like mushy talk to some stranger. I think it's stupid but I'm willing to give it a try, I mean it works for some people, so maybe it could work for me." He says.
I nod in agreement. I thought he was going to fight me on this, but I should've known. He's really serious about turning his life around.
I'm just worried about him, about us and the road to recovery. It's going to be tough.
"If you want, I could go with you sometimes for support." I offer.
He shrugs. "Maybe. But sometimes it might be best if I talk alone."
I nod. It makes sense, whatever makes him feel more comfortable. I wouldn't want to intrude on him and his most deep, private feelings and thoughts.
Though, a part of me wanted to know even the darkest parts of his mind.
But trust was a scary thing to give out. Colton's trust had been severely damaged so it would only make sense that it would take awhile for him to open up about the details his past entailed.
* * *
The secluded park was a beautiful place under the gentle warmth of the sun. Few clouds float by in the vibrant blue sky and robins bounced around on the ground, proudly displaying their red chests as blue jays from above squawked at the presence of other birds.
Birch trees surrounded a little grassy meadow and offered some privacy to prying eyes. The light green grass was growing long which hid the checkered picnic blanket from view.
Colton had been discharged from the hospital just two days ago, and he's been told to take it easy. His chest is still wrapped tightly with gauze and the doctors instructed us what we needed to do to take care of the healing wound. I thought that after everything, we both could use some relaxation.
I think we both deserve it.
Colton lay next to me, looking up at the clouds as he listened to my dreams and inspiration. He didn't seem to enthusiastic about this whole picnic, he grumbled a bit.
"Is this what corny couples do for fun?" He asks, a hint of amusement in his voice. Despite his initial negativity to the idea, I can tell he's having fun because his eyes give everything away. Whether he's angry, sad, or happy, I can tell by his eyes.
And he called us a couple. Though, nothing was official at all. I don't think he realized exactly what he said, but I decided to ignore it because I didn't want to ruin anything.
I laugh. "I think so. Though, my boyfriend and I never did stuff like this....he always seemed to bribe me to stay with him with fancy gifts." I tell him. I remember being in love with him, but now that I look back on it, I remember several instances where he became angry at me and ignored me for days when I didn't have sex with him.
There's more than just sex to a relationship, and if a relationship is only about sex, to me it feels like the couple is objectifying each other.
Colton grumbled - again. "Boyfriend," He scoffed, "How was life then, before....before all of this?"
"It was....good. I had friends, I had a family. I had money. I lived in wealth, Colton, but despite that it felt like something was missing. I got signed by a big record label company and I truly thought that that would fill the void in my heart-"
"You what?" He asks in disbelief, turning his head towards me.
"I got the record deal I'd always wanted," I say, smiling softly, "But....they changed their minds after the accident."
"Oh." He says.
Silence envelops us both, and for a moment, I think about how life would've been if that accident never happened. Would I be famous right now? Would my name be in lights, would I be going on tour and singing at concerts?
I don't know.
I sit up and lean back on my arms with my legs crossed and he rolls over on his stomach and leans on his elbows with his head in his hands. His hair is messy and I laugh as I ruffle it up a little.
A sudden thought soars through me. We know each other, but we don't know each other. He doesn't know much about me and I don't know much about him - besides his abuse, and I think it's time to get to know each other a little better. I mean, he included me in his future, I think its time to let our deepest flaws be known.
"Colton, I think it's time to tell each other about our past. I mean, you don't have to tell me everything because I know it may be too sensitive to talk about, but I think if we.....have a future together then we should discuss more about ourselves, like our life story."
Colton shrugs, his eyebrows furrowing. "I guess.....but if this turns into some sort of girly emotional talk then I can't promise I'll be able to sit through it."
I laugh, rolling my eyes. "You're the most emotional guy I know." I joke. But then he sends me a glare which quite clearly tells me to shut up. "Okay, okay, I'll try not to get emotional on you. But I have to warn you that my life is pretty messy."
"Mine is too." He whispers under his breath.
I sigh and start from the beginning. You know, when everything was seemingly picture perfect and where wealth thrived. He listened intently about the life he didn't know I had. He doesn't once interrupt.
And I'm nervous as I tell him how I got in the accident that took two beautiful lives away. I'm afraid he might judge me for driving drunk, but he does nothing of the sort.
He just sits and listens.
I tell him all about the guilt I have that stems from the accident.
"What were you thinking when you....saw me that night of the accident? I remember you tried to save the boy and then you looked at me like I was....like I was trash."
"Addison-"
"Please, tell me?" I beg.
His shoulders slump as he sighs with his hands behind his head. "I did feel angry. I felt angry because I remember thinking that you were some careless bitch. Carelessness always reminds me of everyone I knew growing up. My parents didn't care about me and those other men sure as hell didn't care about me. So, in that moment, I loathed you for being the cause of death of someone, let alone an innocent child that reminded me of myself." He explains.
His words are heavy and bring an ache to my chest. I don't even know what to say. It's different listening to someone else's perspective on the ordeal.
"Addison?" He asks, unsure when I fail to say something.
"Yeah, I'm okay. I just don't know what to say." I tell him honestly. What was there to say, any way?
"It's okay, continue."
So that's exactly what I do.
And then I get to the part when my life becomes dark. I tell him about my efforts to save a mere child from being raped, I tell him about the beatings I had received.
Perhaps one day I'd have enough courage to show him the scars that littered my body.
"And damn it, Colton, I feel so dirty and worthless still. Sometimes, I just sit in the shower, letting the cold water rain down on me as I cry, desperately trying to scrub the feel of their hands on me and the dirt that still coats me." I admit quietly as I sit up, looking at him with my legs cross legged.
He frowns. "You're not the only one who does that." He says, looking me in the eyes and letting me know that I'm not alone.
My heart breaks. I wouldn't want anyone to go through that, I know how it feels and it's the worst.
It feels weird - being vulnerable like this. Telling someone about the inner person I hide from others is uncomfortable and scary.
When someone smiles at you, do you ever wonder what actually hides behind that smile?
He sits up looking me in the eyes.
"You're not the only one who has night terrors."
He gets closer, sitting cross-legged now, just as I am.
"You're not the only one who scrubs their skin until it's raw."
He leans towards me, our knees touching now.
"You're not the only one who feels worthless all the time." This time, he whispers, leaning impossibly closer until our faces are almost touching.
My heart thuds in my ears and my hands rest in my lap, fidgeting and anxious for his next move. His dark blue eyes have impossibly darkened and seem to shimmer under the gentle light the sun has to offer.
His breath lingers on my skin as his lips meet mine gently. A tenderness I never knew this man was capable of he showed me, and a soft brush of his lips against mine made tingles sprout from my toes to my lips then back up again. His lips met mine again, his lips shakily - and almost unsure of what he was doing - cupped mine.
I felt like I could shatter in his delicate touch.
I kiss him back softly, enjoying the soft feeling his lips produce.
It lasts only seconds, but it's sweeter than any sugar I have tasted. It lasts only seconds, and yet in those few seconds, I felt special. I felt loved again.
When we pull away, it's almost as if we are the only two people in the world. His radiant eyes shimmer and hold my reflection captive.
"But I don't feel as worthless when I'm with you." He murmurs.
I don't respond.
Instead, I throw myself in his arms, hugging him tightly against me, smelling his cologne and finding comfort in his arms that are as scarred as my body.