dedicated to anyone struggling with mental illness <3 youre so strong & im proud of you .
youre laying in bed, your body turned away from calum as you wait for him to fall asleep. tears silently slip down your cheeks as you try to take quiet breaths. you dont remember when you began to felt yourself hide your pain but, its been a while. the feeling that was in your chest was indescribable and the way your heart hurt was unbelievable. what seemed like a ritual now, you quietly cried yourself till the tears lulled you into sleep.
as you slept, the feeling of someone wrapping their arms around you let you know it was morning. lips pressed soft kisses to your jaw as you continued to try and sleep. after a while, finally you opened your eyes slowly, feeling yourself cuddle into his chest.
"g'morning baby." the boy rasped, kissing your forehead, fingers entangling in your hair. you just nodded and slowly wake up. "do you wanna go out to get breakfast? i'm sorta craving waffles." he continued on.
"sure, if you want to." you answered softly,
playing with his necklace.calum looked down at you, watching your tired actions.
"you okay, babe?" he asked, chocolate eyes being filled with worry. you looked up at him, giving him a small smile before kissing his lips softly.
"yup, jus' kinda got some shitty sleep." you felt bad for lying to calum, but you didnt want him to worry. putting stress on the boy would make you feel guilty because the boy already has so much to worry about; and you didnt want to add your depression on top of it. he knows that you've been diagnosed with the health problem and that you take medication but you made it so undetectable when you are going through it.
ever since you were young, you've always had to battle the pain on your own. your family thought it was a joke and that you couldn't have the mental illness because you had nothing to be depressed about. they were wrong however, it was a inner-self problem you fought on the daily that they would never understand. however, when you met calum, his kindness and handsome character sorta took it away, distracting you from not looking at the inner demons and most of all—he made you happy.
with calum around, you never felt the need to fake happiness or a laugh. however, that only lasted for a short amount of time before everything came flowing back.
"we can stay home if you want," calum suggested, lips grazing your cheek softly before kissing it with feather like touch.
"no, no, its okay, cal." you reassured, hands coming to hold his face lightly before kissing his lips. "go get dressed while i go let out duke yeah?"
the tan boy with dark chocolate eyes nodded gently, the two of you climbing over the hills of white cotton sheets and clouds of pillows. you slipped on your slides before walking out the door, duke quickly ghosting behind you as you headed to the door that went to the backyard.
sitting on one of the outdoor chairs, duke made his morning rounds across the property and sun bathed a little with you, the golden light warming you against the coldness that stifled the air. you really could go for a smoke but it was probably too early in the morning. instead, you just sighed watching leaves fall in the pool.
you never expected to be a person that would smoke but once you met calum and he told you how it helped him relieve whatever was bugging that beautiful mind of his, you couldnt help but want to feel that same feeling of letting go; even if it was just for five or ten minuets.
after a while, you and duke walked back in the house, the small dog running off god knows where while you wandered back to the bedroom. calum was laying across the bed fully dressed in a black tshirt, infamous grey sweats and one of his many dad hats.
"wheres duke?" he asked while you picked up whatever tshirt was on the floor, peeling away the top you were wearing, replacing it with the one in your hands.
"dunno, he ran off to the living room when i let him. in" you shrugged, keeping on your leggings. calum called for duke while you brushed your teeth, the boy giving his dog kisses and tummy rubs. once you were done, the two of you said bye to the small ewok before leaving his house.
as you walked to the car, he took your hand in his, swinging it before you had to break apart to get in the car. today, calum was in a jazzy mood, putting the genre on the radio on low volume, his fingers tapping against the wheel to whatever song played. you just looked down at your phone that was in your lap, looking at whatever on instagram.
"where are we going?" you finally asked, putting your head up to see where you were.
"norms." he answered, eyes meeting yours before he reached over, inked hand sliding to hold your thigh. his thumb would run over the fabric of your bottoms slowly before his palm squeezed your thigh softly. you let your hand rest on top of his the rest of the drive.
once you got there, the two of you walked in the quiet restaurant. once you got a booth, calum slid next to you, throwing an arm around you and kissing your temple. "want a hot chocolate, baby?" he smiled softly, features glowing as sun flowed through the large windows.
"gosh, you just know the way to my heart," you teased, kissing his nose before scanning the menu. when a waiter came, calum ordered 2 hot chocolates before checking his phone. your eyes scanned the menu, looking at all the choices but to be honest you didnt know what you wanted. your mind was too clouded with thoughts that hunger didn't seem to be so bothered. just because you didnt want calum to worry, you ordered some eggs and bacon with toast.
the breakfast was quiet for the most part on your side, listening to your boyfriend ramble about something with ashton and how he messed up what dates they were suppose to work with some music person they were wanting to write with. it wasn't until the end of the meal calum noticed this.
"hey, are you sure you're okay?" he asked, hand sliding to your side to pull you closer. your lips said something but your eyes said another.
"yes, cal, stop worrying about me." you chuckled, squishing his cheeks before kissing his plump lips. they tasted like the strawberry topping that was on his waffle.
"i can not not worry about you, love, you're too important to me." he mumbled, pushing your loose baby hairs away from your face. you just gave him a small smile again before pulling. once again, on the way home, calum did most of the talking while you listened.
just from that outing, you felt exhausted and wanted to be alone now. luckily for you, calum headed over to michaels to visit, leaving you alone in the house with duke. the two of you sat outside, a cigarette dangling in between your lips before taking a puff and letting the smoke burn your chest before releasing ever pain that was bugging you.
you shut your eyes as you did this again, sighing as smoke continued to fall from your mouth. next thing you knew, tears were beginning to stream down your cheeks before turning into full on sobbing. you put the cigarette out on the ash tray before reaching over to your phone, opening your locked notes before typing rapidly.
i feel lost in my emotions once again. i want help but im too scared to get it and calums beginning to catch on i think that everything is getting really bad. i havent felt like this in a while and it feels like this time it wont even fucking leave like its made a permanent stay inside of me. nothing seems to be working and i really dont wanna go on meds again because it makes me feel weird. i know i should probably talk to cal about this, just, i dont know how.
you sighed, wiping your cheeks, your mind slowing down and chest allowing you to breathe finally as you finished your last words. getting up, you went back inside, laying down and closing your eyes to drown out the sadness.
when you woke up, it was dark out and you heard someone cooking. you reached out to check the time on your phone that read a quarter to six. you climbed out of bed, finding calum cooking what looked like stir fry.
"hey baby, im making dinner, you hungry?" he smiled, you walked over to him, his soft pink lips kissing your forehead before tending back to the pan.
"yes please, when did you get home?" you asked, opening the fridge and grabbing a beer. you popped open the lid, lips wrapping around the the top and drinking a good amount in one gulp.
"uh, an hour or two ago? how long were you asleep for?" he chuckled.
"a long ass time, thats all i know." you answered, the boy taking your bottle to drink some it. he gave it back to you, plating you before himself. the two of you sat at the island eating dinner before moving to the couch where you sat on his lap, pressing lazy kisses to his skin while the two of you watched parks and recreation.
"calum," you breathed, face hiding in the crook of his neck while your fingers toyed with his necklace. he hummed in response, fingers running over your thighs before reaching your bum than back down again. "something wrong with me." your voice was barley above a whisper. once the words rolled off your tongue, he sat up in his seat, ripping you away from his embrace so he could look at you.
"what do you mean?"
you took a deep breath but it didnt help the lump in your throat and the tears that stung your eyes. "its back." you choked out before crying in his arms. calum squeezed your body as you cried into his chest. "it wont fucking go away and its just taking me away from you."
calum stroked your hair as he muted the tv so all was heard was your cries. "hey.. it'll be okay. im here and im not leaving anytime soon. we'll find a way to help you okay? have you been taking your meds?" the way his voice was soothed you. it was smooth and soft like silk.
you shook your head at his question earning a nod from him. "we'll work this out okay? i promise princess." he said softly. you just squeezed calum's sides, snuggling your head back on his shoulder. the two of you sat there, your cries slowly becoming nothing but silence. calum knew he would never heal away your depression but he did know he could be beside you while you battle your demons and will help you in anyway he could because he loved you no matter what, sad or happy, he will always love you.