"Maintaining a healthy diet and a regular exercise routine, as much as you are able, may potentially improve your sense of overall well-being."
Much to my relief when Dr. Prieto told me that I can still do some exercises but of course, with moderation. Everything in moderation as to not exhaust myself that would cause me a lot of sickness dahil hihina at hihina rin ang immune system ko dahil nga sa aking sakit.
He run down on me again the treatments that can possibly work for me and this time, I listened very carefully even though I am very sure right now that I will not take any of it. Tinandaan ko pa rin lahat ng sinabi niya and listed everything para makapag-research ako at mapag-aralan ko ang iba pang bagay na gusto kong malaman.
Pag-uwi sa condo ay agad akong kumuha ng pen and paper to list the foods that I can have and can't have and all others. A few reminders too regarding my health para hindi ko iyon makalimutan at mas matandaan as time goes on.
Dr. Prieto has been very honest with me and told me that my immune system will be more vulnerable after treatment which will put me at risk of infections. Dagdag pa ang ilang side effects like exhaustion and weight loss. But it can also help cure my cancer over time.
Alam ko naman na kapag tumagal na wala akong treatment ay ganoon na rin ang mararamdaman ko bandang huli kaya pinili ko na tumanggi sa therapy. I like to live my life without treatment and do things that I still can while I can. I'll enjoy the everyday gift that God will give me and live the moment.
"A healthy well balanced diet.... Complex carbohydrates, lean proteins, dairy products, plenty of fruits and vegetables, healthy fats." I read aloud what I had written down on a piece of paper that I intent to put on the fridge para lagi kong makikita at maaalala.
Okay. I believe I can live with these diet. Hindi naman pala mahirap sundin, I'll just have to be more careful. And with the list I made, it gives me a task tomorrow to go grocery shopping dahil wala ng laman ang aking refrigerator. I was waiting for my appointment with my doctor before planning on buying anything edible.
Hindi ko rin nakaligtaan na tanungin ang aking doktor tungkol sa pagkain ng mga matatamis dahil iiyakan ko talaga iyon kapag sinabi niyang bawal. I will definitely be depressed over that fact because I can't live without a dose of desserts.
May mga nabasa kasi ako na sugar makes cancer grow pero may mga nabasa naman ako na that in some studies that there is no evidence that eating sugar makes lymphoma, or any type of cancer, grow. There are also no research findings to show that if you do not eat sugar, your lymphoma will go away. So I had to make sure. This is my health we are talking about anyway.
Inulit niya sa akin ang salitang in moderation and watch my health. Lahat naman ng sobra ay hindi maganda, iyon nga lang medyo kailangan kong magselan dahil sa sakit ko. I should also come back to him for checkups para malaman kung kumakalat ang cancer sa ibang organ ng aking katawan which will cause organ failure na iniiwasan namin na mangyari since I refused any treatment. Very slow naman daw ang progress ng aking cancer which is good but we need to watch it as I go on dahil hindi maganda ang magiging complications once it spreads.
I understand his sentiment about me not having any kind of treatments and still he respects my decision and for that, I am glad.
Tinawagan ko si Warayne bago ako matulog at hindi niya naitago ang kanyang saya nang sabihin ko na sasama na ulit ako sa kanya sa pag-gym starting tomorrow. It excites me too na makabalik pero I need to do some changes in my routines and not go hard on myself.
Kailangan ko na i-remind ang sarili ko na hindi na ako ang Ace na malakas at walang sakit. This is me now, living as what I considered normal for me as to not stray from the things that I am used to do. I am having a lot of fun working out lalo na nung nakasama ko si Warayne. This is our bonding na gusto kong maglast as long as I can.
Maaga akong bumaba sa lobby para hintayin ang aking sundo. Working out is one of the permanent things that I love to do and I am feeling a little excited na balikan ulit iyon pero hindi rin mawala ang kaba ko sa panibago na naman na panimula.
While waiting for Warayne to come pick me up, inisip ko na kaagad ang mga puwede kong gawin na exercises and leave those workouts na sobrang nakakapagod and extreme. Maybe I can do two reps? Okay, one. I don't want to over exert myself kahit na sanay ako sa three to four reps.
Naglakad ako ng mabilis palabas ng building when I saw the Jaguar on the driveway. Hindi ko na hinintay pa na makalabas siya sa kanyang kotse para salubungin ako at agad na akong sumakay sa passenger seat beating Manong valet over it na nangiti nalang sa akin.
"Good morning!" Masayang bati ko sabay halik sa aking mga daliri at tampal 'nun ng marahan sa kanyang noo.
"Good morning. You're lively today." Ngiti niya sabay kuha naman sa aking kamay na aking hinalikan saka niya dinampi iyon sa kanyang labi.
On our way to the gym, kinuha ko na rin ang pagkakataon na sabihin sa kanya ang balak ko na workout and to postpone our couple's workout until I feel like Wonder Woman again. Alam niya na hindi maganda na biglain ang katawan lalo na at nabakasyon ito ng matagal.
I know he will ask if I have a problem kapag nakita niya ako na parang nag-lie low sa aking workout kaya inunahan ko na siya as to not draw any suspicions. At least I gave him a reason and he is very understanding naman na sobrang ikinapapasalamatan ko.
I started out light after stretching and did a walking on the treadmill instead of jogging for only 15 minutes na wala pa sa warm up ni Warayne but we ar not competeing so yeah. So far, I am feeling good and strong like I am gaining back my old healthy self. It's really good to be back on shape.
I felt proud of myself for surviving my first comeback in the gym and I feel like I wanted to celebrate kaya niyaya ko pa mag-kape si Warayme bago umuwi pero I didn't ordered coffee because it might upset my empty stomach. Instead, I ordered a good cup of tea.
My whole week has been good and I haven't felt anything abnormal. Work has been the same but our standing in the industry isn't.
Nakakalungkot kapag naiisip ko ang aking publishing but I still have a lot to be thankful for. My health is okay, my workout is superb, and my family including Warayne are awesome. Iyon nalang ang iniisip ko not be so stressed.
Nakisali rin ako sa pag-ayos ng 1st birthday ni Laureene. Every event in our family ay active ako and I'm always present. I love attending whatever events or just a simple get together with my family na mayroon. Sinusulit ko ang bawat panahon na kasama ko ang bawat isa sa kanila.
Friday after work, pinuntahan ko si Lloyd sa kanyang opisina bago ako umuwi para kamustahin at yayain siyang lumabas sana kinabukasan. Wala kasi akong gagawin maghapon at ayoko naman na mag-isa sa condo.
I knocked on his door before peering my head in. Nag-wave pa ako nang mapatingin siya saka ngumiti bago tuluyang pumasok sa loob.
He is busy sa pag-aayos ng mga papel sa cabinet kaya tumabi ako sa kanya at tinulungan siya sa kanyang trabaho.
"Thanks. What's up?"
"How are you? Hindi ka pa ba uuwi?" I asked after handing him the last stack of papers.
Umupo ako sa kanyang swivel chair at siya naman ay nagpatuloy sa pag-aayos ng kanyang gamit sa lamesa.
"I'm good. You? Paalis na rin. Uwi ka na?" Balik niya sa akin.
"Hindi ka nagmamadali ah. Busy si Camille?" Asar ko.
Whenever I see him in a hurry after work ay alam ko na agad kung saan siya pupunta at kung sino ang kikitain niya. Minsan pa nga ay hindi na niya ako sinasamahan sa lunch dahil kay Camille. Not that I'm getting jealous, in fact, I'm happy for him that finally, he found his girl that make him crazy.
"Overtime. And Warayne?" Taas kilay niyang tanong ready to have a teasing match with me.
I pursed my lips at naglungkot-lungkutan ng kaunti. "He's out of town for the weekend. You know, work. Which reminds me why I am here." Ngiti ko naman ngayon saka siya umupo sa upuan kaharap ng kanyang lamesa at buong atensiyon na humarap sa akin. "Let's watch a movie in the condo or whatever. Let's have a heart-to-heart talk."
"Heart-to-heart talk?" He asked as of it's the first time I asked him that. Madalas naman kami mag-usap ng mga bagay na personal. That is how close we are. "You will just interrogate me about Camille." Iling niya.
Unusog ako sa dulo ng upuan and rested my elbows on the desk. "Then bring her with you tomorrow. She is welcome in the condo and I very much love to meet her."
"Hindi papayag 'yon." He shrugged my offer.
"And why not?" Tanong ko sabay sandal ulit sa upuan.
He scratched the side of his face like he is annoyed but I know he is not kaya nangiti lang ako.
"Ah basta, bee. Mahirap i-explain."
Tumayo ako sa upuan ang grabbed my bag and laptop. "Then explain it to me tomorrow. We have all day. See you!"
Naglakad ako palabas ng kanyang opisina and wave happily at him. Alam ko he couldn't say no to me at hindi niya ako matitiis na hindi puntahan bukas kahit pa saglit lang siya. He is that soft when it comes to me.
The next day, I skipped gym but I walked around the parade grounds for almost an hour and went to the nearest grocery store before I go back to the condo to buy some foods and snacks for me and my visitor later.
I just did some grocery shopping last week after my checkup kaya kaunti nalang ang aking binili para sa araw na ito. Food for lunch, merienda, and dinner. I expect my friend to stay until later tonight but if not, then I can always put this aside for next time.
Since it's still early, nilagay ko na muna sa refrigerator ang mga lulutuin ko for later and put all the snacks in one bag then set it aside the island bar saka naligo para mapreskuhan pagkatapos ng aking walking.
Lumabas ako ng kuwarto suot ang aking pink matching short sleeved top and pajama pants saka inayos ang living room. I moved the coffee table at the center to the side at naglatag ako ng kutson kasama ang mga blankets para komportable kami mamaya habang nanonood ng tv.
Saktong pagtingin ko sa orasan ay sabay 'nun ang pag-ring ng aking phone. Napangiti ako knowing who is it that is calling me at this hour of the day.
"I'm about to call you but you beat me to it. How's your meeting?"
"Can't wait for another minute so I called you instead." He answered softly then sighed. "I called for a break because I am having a headache. How about you? What are you doing?"
"Take some medicine for your headache or you can just cancel your meeting so you can rest for a bit. I just finished fixing a makeshift bed in the living room." Sabi ko sabay higa roon.
Ang lambot ng kutson at ang sarap sa balat ng comforter. Hinihila tuloy ako ng antok at kung hindi ko lang narinig ang parang nagpapanic na boses ni Warayne ay nakatulog na ako.
"I thought you said that you're just going to watch a movie? What's the bed for? Cuddling?? Angel, I'm going to lose my hair from shoving my hand on it due to frustration. I couldn't.. I- What are you trying to do??"
Nauna ang tawa ko kaysa ang pakalmahin siya. Sobrang natawa ako sa reaksiyon niya and he easily jumped into a conclusion that me and Lloyd will do something more than just watch a movie. Kung kami ngang dalawa ay wala pa sa next level of intimacy, kami pa kaya ng kaibigan ko na ni minsan ay walang nagging malisya ang kahit ano sa amin?
Ang dami pa niyang pinagsasabi pero tawa lang ang naibabalik ko sa kanya. I couldn't stop laughing because I find his reaction so cute that I want to pinch his cheek so bad. Now I missed him. Siya sana ang kasama ko kung wala lang siyang trabaho ngayon.
"I'm serious, Angel. I'm going to call your friend and threaten him to not get too close to you. No touching, or else I will make sure that he will end up in the hospital."
Tumigil din ako sa pagtawa at nagseryoso. "And you'll end up in prison. You're crazy, Warayne. You know Lloyd wouldn't cross the line with me. He loves me as his bestfriend, that's all."
"And I love my girlfriend. Don't experiment with Lloyd."
"Funny, War. I'll call you back later, okay? I'll just cook lunch. Drink some medicine and don't frustrate yourself that there are inappropriate things that are going to happen around in here with me and Lloyd. You know I am a good girl. Buh-bye."
I turned my phone off and immediately stands up to cook before I forget all about lunch and just sleep because I am tempted to do just that.
Someone rang the doorbell as I was removing the chickens in the oven. I'm guessing that's Lloyd so I shouted for him to wait for a moment but he answered with a series of continuous press on the doorbell.
Nang malapag ko ng maayos ang pan sa counter ay saka ako nagmadali na tumakbo para buksan ang pintuan. Gusto ko po sana siya paghintayin ng matagal sa labas pero naiirita na ako sa ginagawa niyang pagpindot sa doorbell. I want to smack his head with the pan.
"Stop raping the button!" Irita kong sabi pagbukas ng pintuan. "Come in now."
Tawa-tawa siyang pumasok sa loob na may dalang cake. He looks like he is going on a date with his short sleeves polo and dark jeans kaya napatingin pa ako sa labas kung may kasama siya dahil hindi naman na siya mag-aabala pa na pumorma kung dito lang siya pupunta. Ako nga ay nakapajama lang.
"Bee!" Tawag niya galing sa kusina.
"Akala ko sinama mo si Camille." Sabi ko pagpasok doon saka ko inayos ang mga pagkain sa plato bago ilagay sa island.
"Sabi ko naman sa'yo na hindi sasama sa akin 'yon dito. What's this? Diet ka na naman?"
Umupo ako sa stool across from him pagkatapos ko maghugas ng aking kamay saka pumikit para magdasal bago sumagot uli sa kanya.
"E bakit naman hindi? Ano ba ang problema rito sa condo?" Usisa ko pa not answering his question about my diet.
"May kanin ka? Gutom kaya ako, bee. Manok, patatas, tsaka beans lang papakain mo sa akin?"
Nangiti lang ako sa kanya at tinuro ang maliit na rice cooker sa gilid. I am not eating rice pero since I know him very well, nagluto ako ng kaunti para sa kanya.
We moved in the living room after eating lunch and started to watch random movie that he selected. I gave him the chips that I bought at kapag aabutan niya ako ay tinatanggihan ko siya at sinasabing busog pa ako.
My doctor told me to avoid eating unhealthy fats from sources such as commercially baked cakes, cookies, crackers, doughnuts, french fries and other processed foods. Kaya iniiwasan ko na ang mga iyon as much as possible pati tuloy ang cake na dala niya ay hindi ko pinansin kanina pero nilagay ko sa ref at sinabi na kakainin ko kapag solo ko na at walang kahati.
We finished two movies at sa pangatlo ay napipikit-pikit na ang mga mata ko. Kahit anong pigil ko na huwag makatulog ay hindi ko rin nagawa at tuluyan ng sumara ang aking mga mata. Tinulugan ko na si Lloyd at hinayaan na manood mag-isa.
Nagising ako sa ring ng phone at pagmulat ko ng aking mga mata ay nakita ko na nakatulog din si Lloyd sa aking tabi pero may isang malaking unan sa aming gitna.
I blindly reached for the phone on the sofa while still lying down and answered it without looking at the screen. Isa lang naman ang tatawag sa akin para i-check kung hindi pa ako gumagawa ng experiment.
"Hello?" Ulit ko nang walang sumagot.
"Um, is Lloyd there?" Alangan niyang tanong.
Kumunot ang noo ko sabay tingin sa humihilik na kaibigan. "Yeah, he is sleeping beside me. Who is this?...... Hello?"
Tinignan ko ang screen nang biglang mamatay ang tawag at nanlaki ang mga mata ko nang makita ang pangalang Camille roon. Not my phone too.
Agad kong ginising si Lloyd saka inabot ang kanyang phone sa kanya. Pinalo ko pa siya ng unan nang tamarin siyang gumalaw.
"Emergency! I answered your phone 'cause I thought it's mine. Si Camille!!" I panicked.
"What? Bee naman. Ayusin mo, hindi kita maintindihan. Napano ka?" Sagot niya habang mabagal na umupo saka tinignan ang kanyang phone na binato ko sa kanya.
"Camille called and I answered it. Oh, gosh! I think you're doomed, bug." Pag-alala kong sabi.
"What did you say?" Antok niyang tingin sa akin.
"That... You're sleeping."
"Okay."
"..beside me."
His eyes flew at my face no more sleepy eyes present at mabilis na tumayo saka niya nilagay ang phone niya sa kanyang tainga pagkatapos may pindutin doon.
He cursed when no one answered and started pacing in the living room trying to reached Camille again.
"Go, bug. Puntahan mo na siya. Do you want me to come para makapag-explain ako?"
"Right, right. Hindi na. Tawagan kita mamaya. Sorry, bee." Malungkot niyang sabi.
"It's alright. Go now and explain to your girl. Good luck!"
Ginulo niya ang bangs ko bago siya tumakbo paalis. Sana lang makausap niya si Camille. Alam ko na iba na ang iniisip nun ngayon lalo na at mukhang ayaw niya pa na marinig kay Lloyd ang pangalan ko.
I sagged my body back on the makeshift bed and dialed Warayne. He said he will call me every hour pero hindi naman niya ginawa. I wonder if he is still in his meeting or nakatulog na siya sa sobrang sakit ng ulo niya kanina.
"Hey, Angel. What's up?" He answered a bit jolly.
"I think I ruined something." Malungkot kong sabi.
"What's that? Are you alright?" Concerned niyang tanong.
I sighed heavily saka dumapa. Kinuwento ko sa kanya ang nangyaring pagsagot ko ng phone ni Lloyd dahil akala ko ay sa akin at ang eksaktong sinabi ko kay Camille. Of course she will think something not appropriate by the way I said that he is sleeping beside me.
"Warayne, what am I gonna do? I'm concerned for my friend." Hindi ko mapakaling sabi.
"Nothing, Ace. Trust that Lloyd will do his best to explain and that his girl listens to him. Just like how much you explain to me that Lloyd is just your friend. That puts me at ease and I trust you. Trust should go both ways. Let them fix their problem."
Well, I couldn't argue with that. He is right. It's between them but I still want Lloyd to introduce me to Camille para naman mabawasan ang hindi niya magandang iniisip tungkol sa amin. Kung meron man na sa tingin ko ay meron na nga. Such a bad timing na ganoon pa ang nangyari sa lahat ba naman ng puwedeng mangyari ngayong araw.
I waited for my friend's text that night and prayed na okay sila pero walang dumating na kahit ano. Ayoko naman siyang istorbohin dahil baka kasama pa pala niya si Camille at lalo lang gumulo.
Dumating ang Lunes at wala pa rin akong narinig sa aking kaibigan kaya pagdating na pagdating ko sa Simplicité ay sa opisina kaagad niya ako tumuloy para kamustahin siya.
Pagkakita niya palang sa akin ay tinignan na niya ako na para siyang nalugi ng milyon. Alam ko na agad na hindi naging maayos ang pag-uusap nila kung nakausap man niya kaya I just gave him a pat on the back and left his office quietly to leave him alone for a while.
Pagkatapos naman ng ilang araw ay naging masigla na ulit siya at sinabi niya sa akin na maayos na ulit sila. Medyo selosa lang daw talaga kaya siguro hindi pa ako maipakilala ni Lloyd sa kanya dahil parang mainit ang dugo sa akin.
Hindi ko nalang muna piilit si Lloyd tungkol sa pagpapakilala niya sa akin kay Camille kahit na sa tingin ko ay magandang ideya naman iyon at nag-focus na muna sa ibang bagay, like the party of my niece which will happen three weeks from now.
I'm so active at every gathering that we are having and I always allot my Sundays to either Ate Hope or Ate Serene alternately to bond with them.
Kung dati ay may strict planning ako sa buhay ko, ngayon ay nawala na. Go with the flow nalang ako and I am just enjoying every day that is given to me though I fear going to sleep every night not knowing if I will still wake up feeling strong and healthy the next day.
Kahit pa ganoon, ang dasal ko ay para pa rin sa aking pamilya, sa mga taong minamahal ko, na bigyan sila ng lakas ng Diyos.
Hindi na para sa akin, para nalang sa kanila beacause I know what will come and they will need it more than I do.