Marriage, in name only?
Chapter sixteen
Wednesday, October 13, 2010
After hanging up the phone with Carl I sat in the living room until dark had fallen outside. I still believed Mark was alive. I could not give up on that just yet. Maybe Carl was right when he said he needed to bring home his body. Maybe it would help all of us left behind to find some closure with his death.
My dreams about him have been coming a lot lately. I keep telling him to come home. And he tells me that he loves me and that he is coming home soon. He says that he is alive and I want to believe him so much that it hurts. I cry as I talk to him and he holds me close to him telling me everything will be all right.
It might sound sick or weird but he had made love to me in the dream and it felt like he was really there with me. I could smell him and taste him as we kissed. He ran his hands over my body and I swear that it was like he was really there with me. He made love to me and just before he left he said he was coming home to be with me.
I awoke with tears on my face as I yelled at him not to leave me behind. I never even told him about the baby either. Since it was a dream I had never thought to tell him that. But whenever I did see him I no longer had the belly of an expecting mother. I keep thinking that maybe Mark was dead and his spirit is visiting me and this is how he remembers me.
I decided not to dwell on it anymore. I at least had him in my dreams sometimes. I had work tomorrow and I needed my sleep. So I headed to bed and went to sleep. I pray that I will have another dream of him.
Carl has not called in over a week. I guess he must still be searching for Marks body. I was not sure on how to take it. Was it good or bad that he had not called me yet? I went to work and came home every night waiting for a phone call but also dreading it.
But by the end of the week I had decided not to wait for the phone call to come in. I went out with Rebecca and Kaylee to dinner and a movie. I could no longer sit at home and dread receiving a phone call that would break my heart in millions of pieces.
I told Rebecca all about Carl and what was going on. I could tell that she felt bad for me. But there was nothing either of us could do about it. So we made the best of it. She has finally finished her schooling and is now looking for work. She still works at Stella's café. But she is trying to find work as an Interior decorator. I am very happy for her and I try to show it. I am not that good at faking emotions. However, Rebecca understands and she does know that I am happy for her.
After I leave Rebecca and Kaylee I head home. I sit in the dark living room thinking of Mark. The phone rings and makes me jump. I reach to answer the phone and then stop myself. Could this be the call from Carl? Did I want to answer it is another question. I pull my hand back away from the phone and stare at it. After a few more rings it goes silent. I let out the breath I was holding in a whoosh.
"Stupid Carla. Just stupid it could have been Mom or even Faith."
I scream as the phone rings again.
"It has to be mom or someone else. It's too late for anyone else to call. Right?"
But I still don't answer it. It could be Carl with bad news about Mark. I didn't want to face the chance that it could be Carl so I unplugged the phone from the wall. If he called tomorrow I would be able to handle it then I hope. But not tonight. I'm tired and going to bed is the only thing that I really want to do right now.
I just want one more dream of him before I finally face the truth that he is gone from my life. Tonight I will dream of him and tell him everything before he leaves me. I will accept that he is no longer with me tomorrow but not tonight. Not tonight. Tonight was my last chance to be with him and I wanted him to love me one more time before I let him go.
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"Hey, Mark wake up."
"Huh?"
"Mark we pulled up to dock and ready to disembark. Are you ready to leave?"
"Hell yes! I need to get home to my wife."
"I hear you. I don't blame you either. My wife is waiting for me also. She is supposed to be here tonight."
"Why?"
"I asked her to come up so that way we can drive you home."
"I have my bike here. I can drive it home."
"No you can't. First you still seem a little shaky and second your brother came and picked it up awhile ago."
"Damn I didn't think of that. Or you sure you don't mind giving me a ride? I know it's out of your way."
"Shut up man. I owe you after you let me go home to my wife when she was expecting."
"But you came to find me in the desert."
"Hell you had all most made it back any way. So it does not count in my book."
We walked up on deck to see fireworks going off in the sky. It must be a celebration of sorts. I followed Carl down the gang plank and into the parking lot. A small little blonde ran up to Carl. She jumped up and he caught her around the waist. Carl kissed the woman hungrily. Her hands were in his hair, legs around his waist. Carl had his hands full of her.... well ass. I looked away from them. Looking into the night sky was very interesting to me at the moment.
"Hey Mark come meet my wife."
"Ma'am."
"Mark this is Cindy. Cindy Mark Johnson."
"Nice to finally meet you Mark. And may I say it is good that you are alive."
"Thank you and it is nice to meet you also."
"Well let's get going I am sure your wife is waiting to see you."
Carl and I told her about not being able to get in touch with Carla. Cindy said it was probably because she didn't want to answer the phone. Since it could be bad news and she does not want to deal with it just yet. Cindy said she was going into therapy for people with grief and depression. I think she will do well in her job profession.
Cindy was sitting in the back with the baby in her car seat. I could see the little girl kick her feet. She was almost a year old now Cindy said. And what a pretty little girl she was. I hope that one day I could have a baby with Carla. I lay my head back and think of the possibilities. I think she would love to have children. I drift off to sleep thinking about her. Her holding a baby in her arms and looking up at me with love in her eyes.
And before I know it I am home and looking for Carla.
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"Carla! Carla baby, are you here?"
"Mark?"
"Yeah baby it's me."
"Oh Mark. I knew you would come to me tonight. I really had hoped that I would dream of you again. I want to tell you so much."
"Shh... It's ok Carla. I'm home now. Come on let's get some sleep."
"Will you hold me?"
"Yes. Now come here."
I lay back down with Mark on the bed. I could feel his arms around me. I was afraid to tell him what I was pregnant with his baby. I didn't want him to move on to his next life knowing that he had left me behind with his child. But I could tell him that I loved him.
"Mark?"
"Yes."
"I never got to tell you that I love you. I wanted to tell you that last day I saw you but I was afraid to tell you that."
"It's ok. I was scared myself. I was not sure if you felt the same way about me. But I am glad to hear you say it. And I love you also Carla. I am so happy that I have you in my life now. I never want to leave you again. I hope that I never do."
"I wish that too Mark. Mark?"
"What is it Carla baby?"
"I don't think I should tell you in a way. But I really want you to know."
"Know what baby."
"Remember when I told you that I had an appointment with the doctor?"
"Yes."
"Well when I went to see her...."
"What?"
"She told me that I am going to have a baby."
"Oh Carla that's wonderful news."
"Are you happy about it?"
"Yes very happy. Now let's get some sleep."
I felt him curl up behind me. He put his arm around my waist. I will always love the feel of him. I feel back to sleep in his arms and new that when I woke up in the morning he would be gone again. But I had at least told him about his child.
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Carl and Cindy dropped me off at home. Carl made sure that I got inside before they left. I went into the bedroom and I could see Carla in bed. She was talking in her sleep. I went to take a shower and I crawled into bed with her. She didn't even wake up. She must have been very tired tonight.
It was so good to be home with her. I hope that I wake up before she does. But the way that I have been sleeping. God only knows.
I placed my arm around her waist and laid my head down by hers. I can smell the shampoo that she used.
The feel of her body was a little different than I remembered. But then I have been gone a long time too! She seemed fuller. But I was so damn tired that I no longer cared. She could have gained a hundred pounds and I would still love her. She was a beautiful person on the inside and I loved her just the way she is.
I quickly went to sleep. But when I woke up it was to hear Carla scream. I quickly sat up looking for any sign a danger. Seeing none I looked at Carla. She was on the other side of the room. Her back up against the wall with a look of terror on her face.
"Carla baby. It's me Mark."
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I woke up slowly. I didn't want to leave my dream with Mark holding on to me. But I opened my eyes and it still felt like he was holding me. I must still be asleep I thought. But I turned over some. And that's when I felt a hand around my waist. I screamed and jumped out of the bed. I don't know who he was but I put my back to the wall and hopefully he would not hurt me. Maybe he would leave. Yeah right. I was going to be raped again and I know it. But this time I had some fighting skills. Mark had taught me had to defend myself.
I was afraid to look at the man. But I knew I was going to have to soon so I could defend myself. But the man spoke to me.
"Carla baby. It's me, Mark." No it couldn't be. Mark was gone.
"I've lost my mind." I slowly opened my eyes to look at him. Oh God!!
"Carla come here, baby." I shook my head. I've really lost it.
"Mark?"
"Yeah. It's me come back to bed. I need to hold you. I've missed you so much."
"But... But you're dead. Carl said he was going to look for your... Your body." I said to him with tears running down my face. He stood up and walked over to my slowly.
"Carla I'm really here. The plane did crash and I ejected out only seconds before it crashed. Carl did come back to find me. But I was already on my way back to you."
"How did you get here?"
"Carl and his wife brought me home last night. But the navy ship docked yesterday night. Come over her and touch me and you will see that I am really alive and right here in front of you."
He stopped a few feet in front of me and I reached out my hand to touch him. I looked up into his eyes before I touched his chest. When I did I could feel the warmth of his skin and the beat of his heart under my palm. I ran my hand up to his shoulder and I could see a new scar on him.
"I was shot on my way down in the plane. I also have a cut on my leg from my knee to my ankle. It happened when my seat finally ejected. I cut it on something from the plane."
"Oh Mark. It really is you. I'm not losing my mind." I flung my arms around his neck. He wrapped his around my waist and pulled me close to him.
"I've missed you so much Mark. I never got to tell you that I loved you. I do love you Mark. I'm so happy to be your wife." I leaned back to look at him. He had a big smile on his face.
"I love you too Carla baby. And I am also happy that you are my wife. I am so lucky to have found you and married you. I dreamed about you all the time."
"Really? So did I. You would tell me that your coming home soon and not to cry."
"That's weird I did tell you not to cry in my dreams. You told me that I had to come home. Every night you would tell me that."
"Oh my god we dreamed the same dreams."
"I think we shared the same dreams. Did I make love to you in one of them?" I asked. I could tell that I had when she blushed.
"We have to call your family. They need to know that you're alive and home."
"We will but first I want to make love to you."
He pulled me into his arms and kissed me deeply. He started to pull off my night shirt when I remembered that I still had to tell him about the baby.
"Mark. Stop. Wait. I have to tell you something first."
"What is it?" he asked still kissing me and moving down my neck with little nips here and there.
"Mark it's very important. I have to tell you before we go any farther."
"What's wrong? Did... you find someone else while I was gone."
"What? No I would never do that. I am... was still grieving for you. And you should know that I could NEVER let any one touch me like you do."
"Then what's wrong. Do I look horrible to you now that I have scars on my body?"
"No I love you just the way you are."
"Then what is it? Tell me please."
"I'm trying to Mark. It's hard to when you won't stop thinking I find some flaw in you. Here let's sit down and I'll tell you about it."
"I'm sorry Carla. I just let my mind get ahead of me for a minute. What is it that you have to tell me?"
"Remember when I told you that I had to go to the doctor's office?"
"Yes."
"Well I did go and I found out that..." I stopped.
"What? Is there something wrong with you? Is it because of that night?"
"No Mark. This is a good thing. Dr.Casio told me that I am... We are going to have a baby."
Mark stared at me in silence.
"Mark are you ok? Do you want a baby?"
"Yes!!!! Oh Carla this is the best news ever." Mark picked me up and swung my around. He kissed me deeply and hugged me close to him when he stopped spinning around.
"Are you happy?" I asked.
"Yes I am very happy and surprised also. Oh Carla I love you so much and I am very happy to have a baby with you."
Mark kissed me again and stated to take off my clothes. This time I helped him. Both of us in a hurry to get undressed and make love to each other. He laid me down on the bed his body covering mine. He kissed my belly where you can see the roundness of my pregnancy starting to show. I watched him as he kissed me and the smile on his face to see that we were going to have a baby. It was like I had given him a Christmas present. He was so happy he told me this as he kissed me.
We made slow love the rest of the morning. It was wonderful to have him home. Getting up later than normal. We ate some breakfast and decided to go to mom and dads. Mark still has to take it slow on some things. So he will not be running for awhile. The navy doctor told him to take it easy for awhile. And I plan to follow the doctor's orders. I don't want to lose him ever again.
Mom and dad were home when we showed up at the house. They were happy to see mark. Mom called Steve and Faith to come over to the house. Terry was also close by and came home right away. It was wonderful to have him home they all said to him. He was also happy to tell them that he was going to be a father. They all knew that but let Mark be happy in this moment. We all stayed at the house that night. Mark told us what had happened that day and how he had lost so much time. He told us about how he had to walk all most all the way to base camp before Carl had found him.
Before Mark and I went to bed that night his... our family had told him that they loved him and that they were happy to have him back home. Dad told Mark that I had never given up hope that he was still alive. And that I was waiting for him to come home. Mark told me later that night in bed that his dad had been very proud to have me as his daughter. He said that he liked me before but he now knew that I would all ways be faithful to mark.