I am currently in my afternoon meeting with the editors and someone is talking in front when I suddenly felt nauseated.
Tinakpan ko kaagad ang bibig ko at yumuko para hindi mahalata ng mga tao sa lamesa then I tried to breathe in and out as calmly as I can until I felt relaxed again but something keeps coming back in my throat that is itching to come out.
"Excuse me for a while." Pilit kong sinabi sabay tango sa kanila na ituloy lang ang meeting.
Mabilis akong naglakad pabalik sa aking opisina at diretso sa banyo kung saan isinuka ko lahat ng kinain ko kaninang tanghalian.
I flushed the toilet after and closed the lid then sat on it to gain my strength again. Nanghina ako sa pagsuka na ginawa ko and I still feel light headed.
I knew better that what happened to me isn't food poisoning dahil pareho lang kami ng kinain ni Lloyd kanina. I think some foods upset my stomach in regards to my cancer. From now on ay dapat na mas maging maingat ako sa mga kakainin ko. Suwerte ko nalang kung walang nakarinig sa pagsuka ko ngayon.
Naghilamos ako ng mukha nang mahimasmasan saka naglagay ng kaunting kolorete sa mukha para hindi magmukhang may sakit at maputla. Pagkatapos masiguro na maayos na ang aking itsura ay saka ko sinilip ang lugar ni Christine sa labas ng aking opisina.
Nakahinga ako ng maluwang nang wala akong nakitang kahit na sinong tao roon. I just left a note to her para kuhanin nalang niya ang gamit ko sa meeting room at i-update nalang ako sa naging usapan na naiwanan ko na.
Pagkatapos ng isang buwan ay namroblema ulit ako sa kung anong excuse ang sasabihin ko kay Warayne para sabihin na hindi pa muna ako makakapag-gym ng hindi siya nakakahalata sa kahit ano and that he wouldn't doubt my excuse.
Magdadalawang buwan na akong hindi nakakapag workout kasama niya at mas lalo ko lang tuloy nararamdaman ang pagkahina ng katawan ko. Hindi ko naman kasi alam kung makakabuti ba iyon sa akin and I don't want to push myself to do something so tiring.
"Joining me tomorrow?" Warayne asked.
I hesitated before answering him and thought about it carefully. Parang gusto ko kasi na sabihin na busy pa sa trabaho pero baka makahalata na siya o isipin na niya na iniiwasan ko talaga siya.
"Will you pick me up?"
"Sure, Angel. I'll see you tomorrow morning." Masayang sabi niya.
Pumayag na rin ako dahil may experiment ako na gustong gawin sa aking sarili. It will hurt to try but I wouldn't know unless I try.
I just know that I have cancer but I haven't talked about this thoroughly with my doctor so I don't really know the things I can and cannot do. Alam ko lang na maikli na lamang ang oras na mayroon ako sa mundong ito. Iyon lang ang nanatili sa aking isipan.
Nauna akong nagising so alarm ko bago pa ito tumunog sa oras na sinet ko. I switched it off immediately para hindi na gumawa pa ng ingay and readied myself with my first workout knowing that I have cancer.
Bago pa magtext si Warayne na nasa ibaba na siya ay agad na akong bumaba nang matapos akong mag-ayos. I'm kinda excited to start dahil ang tagal ko rin na natigil pero mas kabado ako dahil hindi ko alam ang puwedeng mangyari sa akin. But I am praying na walang mangyaring hindi maganda sa akin while working out. Si Warayne ang huling tao na gusto kong makaalam sa sakit ko kung sakali man.
My phone pinged and I read Warayne's message. He said na malapit na siya kaya tumayo na ako sa sofa sa waiting area ng lobby and waited outside sa may driveway.
Lumapit ang valet sa akin saka ngumiti. "Good morning, Ms. Lopéz. Papakuha niyo po kotse niyo?"
"Ace nalang po Kuya." Una kong sagot dahil kilala naman na niya ako at ilang beses ko ng sinabi sa kanya na iyon nalang ang itawag sa akin. Ang bait naman din kasi ni Manong at alam ko matagal na siyang nagtatrabaho rito. "Hindi po, may hinihintay po akong sundo." Tipid kong ngiti.
"Ah Ma'am. Iyong magandang sasakyan ho ba na kulay puti?"
He knows Warayne's car dahil madalas niya na rin naman akong sinusundo kapag pupunta kami sa Core gym or whenever we have dates. Ewan ko lang kung nakakalimutan niya paminsan o ano pero tumango nalang ako saka ngumiti uli.
Hindi naman nagtagal ay huminto na sa harapan ko ang sinasabi ni Manong valet na magandang sasakyan na kulay puti. Warayne's Jaguar.
Lumapit kaagad si Manong valet doon nang makita niya akong nagsimulang maglakad papunta sa sasakyan. Nakita ko pang lumabas si Warayne sa kanyang sasakyan pero sinabihan siya ni Manong valet na siya na ang magbubukas para sa akin.
Nginitian ko nalang si Warayne saka pumasok na sa loob pagkatapos magpasalamat kay Manong valet.
"Good morning. Excited to be back?" He asked after kissing me on my temple.
"Uh.. Yep. But I think I have to take it down a notch first? Since it's been almost two months that I stopped working out. Baka lang mabigla ako." Depensa ko kaagad kahit wala pa naman.
"Yeah, you can do that. I'll assist you if you want." Tango naman niya sabay ngiti na nagpangiti na rin sa akin.
I started with some stretches to heat up my body and to prevent injuries.
Pinakikiramdaman ko ang aking buong katawan habang ginagawa ko ang workouts ko para sa aking core. I love doing core exercises, it's challenging but fun.
I continued when I felt nothing but normal and I'm glad na parang may energy pa ako to do more.
Warayne came to me exactly after my ab exercises saka niya ako niyaya na tumakbo sa treadmill. I set mine on a jogging phase speed in just 30 minutes, half of what I am used to normally, so as to be sure na kaya kong tapusin at hindi sobrang mapagod.
5 minutes to time, naramdaman ko na ang mabibigat kong paghinga kaya napahawak na ako ng mahigpit sa handlebar hanggang sa matapos ko ang cooldown ng hindi bumabagsak sa sahig.
Agad naman akong umalis doon para maupo sa pinaka malapit na bench. Tumalikod ako kay Warayne para hindi niya makita ang aking mukha because I think namumutla na ako dahil para na akong hihimatayin. Iyon na siguro ang limit ko and I should tone it down a bit more.
Nang makahinga ng maayos ay saka ko inabot ang aking tubig at binuksan ang aking jacket. I feel suffocated, parang ang sikip ng dibdib ko sa nangyari and I needed some air.
Someone rubbed my back kaya napaangat ako ng tingin sa aking likuran.
"You good? You look really tired." Warayne asked as he straddle the bench facing me.
Tumango naman ako saka inabot sa kanya ang kanyang tubig. Pinunasan ko na rin ang mapawis niyang mukha gamit ang aking tuwalya dahil hindi ko makita kung saan niya nilagay ang kanya.
"Thanks. Uh..."
"It's hot. Sorry." Sabi ko habang tinatanggal ang aking jacket.
Uminom siya ulit ng tubig saka tumingin sa malayong gilid away from me at hindi inalis ang tingin doon. Wala namang tao roon o magandang view.
"Do you mind if I take a shower first?" I asked.
Alam ko na hindi pa siya tapos at nag-uumpisa pa lang siya sa kanyang workout routine pero gusto ko ng mapreskuhan at hindi na ako mapakali sa sobrang init.
"Are you in a hurry? I could take a shower after a couple of minutes para makauwi na tayo."
"No, no. I'll wait for you to finish. I'll watch you nearby." Ngiti ko.
For the past few weeks, I seemed to get my own life back. I have done things that I normally and usually do every day. Nakabalik na ako ng gym ng regular, nakakain ko ang mga gusto ko without puking or what, nakakapagtrabaho ako ng maayos kahit na may iilang problema sa Simplicité, and I got to spend my Saturday with a date with Warayne and my Sunday with my sisters and their family.
I'm living the life like how I should, surrounded by people I love. But when I felt like everything is normal, something reminded me that I was not and that cancer has taken over my body. That normal isn't in the books when you have a chronic disease.
Nilagnat ako ng dalawang araw at hinang-hina ang katawan ko. I couldn't even lift a finger. This is my reality that I should face and forget the idealistic one that I am trying so hard to live.
I looked at myself on the full body mirror in my dressing room after I took a long bath. I still find myself looking at the same old Ace from before, physically that is. Kung titignan ay parang wala naman akong sakit at mukhang masigla pa. Walang makakapagsabi na may sakit ako.
Alam ko na na hindi na ako magtatagal pa pero I needed to bide time. May mga kailangan pa akong gawin at asikasuhin bago ako mawala. Kailangan ko rin ng kaunti pang oras para makapaghanda ako sa aking kapalaran. Kahit papaano kasi ay hindi ko pa tanggap itong sakit na mayroon ako.
Dr. Garcia, the first doctor who diagnosed cancer on me, told me that I can ask for a second opinion to be more sure. I know she is good and I don't doubt her skills as a professional doctor but she can also make mistakes. Tao rin siya and I am hoping she just misread my results.
I searched online and decided to seek an Oncologist. A doctor who treats cancer and provides medical care for a person diagnosed with cancer. I think it's best to go for it para mas makasigurado ako sa aking kalagayan.
Tumawag ako sa clinic ni Dr. Prieto, a 47-year old male Oncologist, para makapagpa-schedule ng checkup. The earlier date, the better.
For my own personal reason, I really like to have a lady doctor but I have heard a lot of good things about him and read a lot of articles on how good he is on being a doctor. I believe that he can tell me how far my cancer is or if I really have cancer at all.
Wednesday noon is my schedule to him. Maaga pa lang ay hindi na ako makapaghintay na magpa-checkup. Gusto ko nalang na magskip sa oras na iyon. Hindi na ako mapakali kahit alam ko na hindi naman agad-agad ay lalabas ang resulta ng kung ano ang ipapagawa niyang test sa akin na malamang ay halos katulad lang din noong una.
Bago dumiretso sa opisina ay dumaan na muna ako sa malapit na simbahan para makapagdasal. I want to ask for guidance and that this time I would be clear of any chronic illness. Nagsindi na rin ako ng kandila pagkatapos saka tumuloy sa Simplicité.
Buong oras sa opisina ay wala akong ginawa kung hindi ang titigan lang ang orasan sa aking lamesa hanggang sa pumatak ito ng alas onse.
Nagmadali akong umalis at dumiretso sa ospital sa clinic ni Dr. Prieto. Nakayuko lang ako all the way dahil baka biglang may makakilala o makakita sa akin at kumalat pa na nagpunta ako sa isang Oncologist. That is going to be a major disaster and I don't know how I will explain that to my sisters.
A middle aged man wearing a checkered polo carrying a messenger bag with a white suit hanged on his arm walked down the hallway. Nginitian pa niya ako bago siya pumasok sa loob ng kuwarto kung saan ako malapit na nakaupo.
Nagsimula na akong kabahan nang makapasok siya sa loob. I already went through with this but I couldn't stop myself from feeling so nervous kaya huminga ako ng malalim para kumalma. Pinagdasal ko na ito, I trust God's plan for me.
Tinawag ako ng sekretarya pagkatapos lang ng ilang minuto at pinapasok sa loob.
"Good morning po, Doc." I greeted and he smiled.
He motioned his hand on the chair and I seated there, putting my bag on my lap before finally looking at him.
Gaya noong unang beses, the doctor asked me about my medical history, symptoms that I am experiencing, and other common things at first.
"My first doctor told me I... I have... cancer.." Hirap kong sabi sabay lunok. "I wanted to be sure that's why I consulted a specialist." I honestly said. No need to lie to him if I wanted to know if I really have cancer. He should know, this is his area of expertise.
He just nodded and looked straight at me. I couldn't read his expression. He then did physical examination on me and glanced at me when he felt the lymph node on my neck that I told him about.
"I wanted to be sure so if it is okay with you, I'd like you to have some tests." Magalang niyang sabi habang nagsusulat sa kanyang prescription pad.
It's just the same as before and I don't know if this will come out differently but since I wanted his opinion, I obliged and told him I'll come back once I have the results with me.
Inasikaso ko kaagad ang lahat ng pinapagawa niya kinabukasan din. Nag-absent pa ako sa trabaho para lang magawa lahat ng iyon. A lot of scans and x-rays, and blood test was done on me and then told me that they would just transfer my results to Dr. Prieto. So, I'm guessing that I have to wait for his call.
Comes Saturday, Warayne called me after he was done working out at the gym. Nagyayaya siyang lumabas kami para kumain but I am not in a mood to eat anything kaya I declined. My mind is in another planet and I cannot be mentally absent when I am with him. He can easily read me.
Ang dami ko ng rason sa kanya kung bakit hindi ako nakakapag gym at kung bakit panay ang tanggi ko sa mga alok niyang dates pero ni minsan ay hindi naman siya nagalit o nagtampo. He always understands my reasons and excuses. I'm feeling really guilty right now pero wala akong magagawa.
Isang araw sa opisina, tinawagan ako ng sekretarya ni Dr. Prieto and told me that my results are out at puwede na akong bumalik ngayon din kaya kahit may trabaho pa ay hindi na ako nag-alinlangan pa na iwan iyon. Nakasalubong ko pa ang aking kaibigan na mukhang papunta sa aking opisina.
"Whoa! Wait a minute, bee. Saan ka pupunta?" Hawak niya sa aking siko para pigilan ako na umalis habang hawak niya sa isang kamay niya ang kanyang laptop.
"Meeting." I blurted out a lie.
He nodded. "I know. I'm here now, hindi mo na ako kailangang puntahan sa ibaba. Come on." Hila niya sa akin pabalik sa loob ng aking opisina pero bigla kong hinila pabalik ang aking kamay.
Naalala ko na may meeting nga pala kami dahil ang dami ng problema sa Simplicité at wala pa akong natututukan ni isa sa mga problemang iyon. They are all waiting for my move pero may ibang mas mahalagang bagay pa ako na inaasikaso sa ngayon. I'm totally in distress and I can't function properly.
"I'm sorry, Lloyd. Nag-overlap lang ang schedule ko and I really need to go. I'll be back later though."
Bahagyang kumunot ang noo niya sa akin. "But this is important. Itong publishing ang pinag-uusapan natin dito. What's more important than this?"
Hindi ko siya sinagot at bahagya ng tumalikod sa kanya para umalis pero bigla ulit siyang nagsalita kaya napatigil ako.
"You are not going to see Warayne because he just called me and asked if I can check if you are doing okay. Ayokong makialam, bee. Pero kung may problema kayo, ikaw, baka naman puwede mo siyang kausapin at huwag mong taguan yung tao."
He hit a nerve and punched my heart but I can't tell him anything. This is my problem at hindi ko sila isasali rito. I'll suffer alone for all I care.
Bago pa ako maiyak sa harapan niya ay tuluyan na akong naglakad palayo sa kanya ng hindi man lang siya nililingon o sinasagot. I left him without giving him anything. I just can't deal with this right now because I'm going to deal with much more important thing later. I need to save my energy for it.
Ako agad ang pinapasok ng sekretarya pagkadating ko kaya hindi na ako nagkaroon pa ng panahon para makaramdam ng kaba. I sat on the chair and waited for what Dr. Prieto will say. Ang tagal ko rin na hindi mapakali kakaisip dito. It's like a do-or-die for me.
"According the tests, I assessed that you really have cancer. A lymphoma. But it's not that severe yet by looking at your scans. Your liver and kidneys are still functioning well but I want to make sure what kind of lymphoma you have by doing a biopsy. Did your previous Doctor explain how this work out? Or what Lymphoma is?"
I told him what I know even if I am already feeling dizzy with the fact that he just threw at me. It's like a freight train hit me pero hindi parin ako namatay on the spot. It hurts and I can feel the pain deep in my chest. A lot of thoughts came in my mind in a rush but I didn't entertain any of it.
Inamin ko rin na hindi ko na binalikan ang doktor ko dahil hindi ko matanggap na may sakit ako at ayoko ng malaman kung gaano na ako kalala o ano. I just wanted to live life as much as I can that is why I am determined to know it now but still, it shocked me. Nakakaubos ng lakas.
One thing that pops in my brain when I hear the word cancer is chemotherapy and I don't want it. Not ever. I don't want to weaken and lose my hair. I just want to live normally as much as I can and enjoy life on what's left in me.
"I understand. But you know, treatment depends on the type and stage of the lymphoma as well as your age and overall health. Some types of lymphoma only require a monitoring while others require therapies such as chemotherapy."
Since he is the second doctor that diagnosed me of cancer, at tutal ay nandito na rin ako at na-explain na niya sa akin ang lahat ng dapat at puwede kong gawin ay pumayag na ako sa biopsy. Ito naman talaga ang gusto kong malaman at sasagarin ko na hanggang sa dulo.
He said he doesn't need to do an excisional or incisional biopsy, instead, a needle biopsy would do on the enlarged lymph node on my neck which is much better because I don't want to get a cut on my skin.
The needle biopsy was done on me the next day and after two days of avoiding my friend and Warayne ay tinawagan ulit ako ng sekretarya ni Dr. Prieto.
I'm feeling agitated this past few days waiting for this result. I already know and it's positive that I have cancer but I don't know what type it is yet and what implications it can do on me. Maybe I still have a chance? I don't know really.
"Hodgkin Lymphoma?" I asked in confusion. I haven't heard about it until now nor did I do some research about my illness when I was diagnosed by it.
"Hodgkin Lymphoma." Ulit niya. "It is marked by a presence of Reed-Sternberg cell. Though, Non-Hodgkin is much more common and lymph nodes may arise anywhere in the body, Hodgkin isn't. It typically starts in the upper body such as in the neck." He explained as my hand flew to touch my neck where I felt my enlarged lymph.
"Hodgkin lymphoma..." Patuloy niya. "..is often diagnosed at an early stage and is therefore considered one of the most treatable cancers."
Lumipad pabalik ang mga mata ko sa kanya sa aking narinig. I am curable? I can still live? I mean, I still have a chance to live longer? This I want to hear and I am all ears huwag lang chemo. That's my limit. I won't do it.
"What treatment do you suggest on me?"
"Chemothe-"
"Sorry, Doctor. I have to cut you out but I am not doing any therapies." Iling ko. "How... How much time left do you think I got?"
"I can say you still got 3-5 years but please do consider getting a treatment, Ace. It might surprise you. Talk to your family, I'm sure they can help. Or you may want to consider joining a support group."
I left the Doctor's clinic after a few more explanations from him about my illness then I went straight home to weep that my eyes almost come out of their sockets.
Akala ko may chance na mag-iba pa ang resulta ng mga tests ko but it's all the same. I'm still going to die at wala man lang akong ibang options na pwedeng gawin.
He offered treatment but I know, we both know that it might not work on me and I don't want to live the rest of what I got in a hospital being weak waiting for nothing but my death. That's not the way I wanted my life to end.
I don't want my family to see me like that. No. That will not happen. I will not make them miserable and I don't want to see the sad look in their eyes while they look at me. It'll break my heart into bits because I just want them looking happy and all. But right now.... All I want right now.... is my peace.
I need time alone.