*slight trigger warning*
Entry Three: 30 Days After Death (give or take)
Twenty people...because of me, twenty people have committed suicide in the past month. Twenty more souls have been transformed into demons - have had to go through all the shit I am going through...and it's all my fault.
Each time I completed an assignment, I felt as if I was killing myself all over again...but there was no end to the pain...no blessed darkness to envelope me. I had to keep going...with nothing to relieve the agony my soul was going through.
I tried to drink when I went to Earth, but even though I could taste the alcohol burning through my system, I never felt more than a pleasant buzz, no matter how much I consumed. I wanted to be all out shit faced, but I could literally down forty shots in a row and I still couldn't reach that point.
Why the fuck can't demons get drunk? I mean - I have blood and a brain...at least I assume I do, so theoretically, I should still be able to get wasted.
I couldn't even retreat back to the safety of the blade, I could cut all the way down to the bone, and it would heal within minutes. Without my usual coping mechanisms, I was dying on the inside.
I haven't even had the strength to write any of this down...I worry that seeing my deeds recorded on paper will make it all the more real, but I need to document these deaths so they will not be forgotten. Even if it was my fault, I will honor the memory of those poor souls that I had destroyed.
Lucifer was ecstatic of course. He had promoted me from the lame basic class C demon that I was to a class B demon. Apparently they was A, B, and the lowly C class demons, and if you were really good, you got turned into an elite demon, and received the "honor" of serving at Lucifer's side. Most demons strove to become an elite demon, but I was not one of them, I didn't even want to be a B class demon.
It did come with some perks, I could now turn invisible to humans if I willed it, and my physical strength as well as my aura's strength had increased. I was also allotted more freedom than the C class demons since I had proven myself, and I didn't need to be under constant watch.
If I wished, as long as I didn't have any assignments and I wasn't needed in Hell, I was allowed to be on Earth during my time off. I didn't want it...I begged Lucifer not to do it, telling him that I wasn't worthy of such a gift, but the truth was, I didn't want any powers when all they did was cause others misery and despair.
But of course, my pleas fell on deaf ears, and I was transformed against my will. I didn't look any different, but I felt as if I had been pushed through a cheese grater afterward. Lucifer dismissed me with his traditional grin and the location of my next assignment.
Bob was genuinely worried about me, if demons can be said to worry. Usually once someone has been a demon for a month, they begin to cope with the lifestyle and accept what they have become, but I am just getting worse by the day.
I don't even know why Bob cared, but he was always there, checking up on me, bringing me food (even though we didn't really need to eat while we were in Hell, only when we were on Earth did our bodies crave food as if they were remembering our lost humanity). One day, I asked him why he even bothered, and he gave me a piercing look and a heavy sigh before he replied.
(I will try to record our conversation as accurately as I can recall)
"I don't have a fucking clue honestly..." was his response.
"There was to be some reason," I pressed him, desperate to understand why he bothered with me.
"I should just feed you the same fucking lies I told Lucifer when I asked to be your guardian, I mean - hell - you are the most impressive demon we have seen in years. In less than a fucking month, you have added to the army more than all the other fucking newbies combined, but that's not why I did it...you are different, and being around makes me feel shit, but in a good way you know, not like bad shit." I cocked my head at him in a questioning manner, and he threaded his hand through his blonde hair, obviously searching for a better way to explain himself.
"I have been a demon for years, and I forgot what it was like to feel, and I didn't give a damn really, and then you show up, and all this shit I thought was gone forever comes back, and I realized I kinda missed it. I was so used to being this numb piece of shit, but around you, I kinda feel alive. I have no fucking clue why, so don't ask - your aura shouldn't affect me, but that's the only thing I can think of, but whatever the fuck it is, I don't want it to stop."
I am sure I gaped at him for a full minute before I formulated an answer. This was the longest statement I have ever heard come out of Bob's mouth, and his crass and straightforward nature of it was a relief to me, most of the demons I had come in contact with had been unbearably stuffy, probably because they had been dead for centuries or something like that.
"What does it mean when you say you asked to be my guardian?" I asked curiously, focusing on the smallest piece of information he had given me first.
"All class C demons get assigned a class B or higher guardian to watch over them and make sure they are adjusting correctly, to put it in Lucifer's words. Now that you are a class B - fucking took them long enough by the way - I guess I am technically not your guardian anymore, but I was supposed to report back to Lucifer any shit he would consider a betrayal, so he could destroy you if it he wanted to, but I haven't told him any of this...he would find it threatening if he thought your aura could affect other demons, and there is no fucking way I am ratting on you. Only his is supposed to be able to do that, and he is not a fan of competition, so he would have killed you for sure."
"You really think I am different than the rest of the demons?"
"I fucking know so...but if you tell anyone this, I will cut out your tongue, it may grow back, but you will regret ever opening that pretty mouth of yours."
And even though it sounded threatening, that was the kindest thing anyone had ever said to me since I had become a demon. I erupted into laughter, earning a quizzical look from Bob, which just made me laugh all the harder. After a minute, Bob joined me, and it felt so good, this was the first bought of mirth I had experienced in months.
Once we had settled down, I clasped his hand in mine and thanked him from the bottom of my heart after I swore I would never repeat what he had told me. Bob squeezed me hand in return, and then pulled me to my feet, I shot him a confused look, but he just grinned widely.
"Now that is out of the way, I have something to show you. Since you are a class B, I can finally take you to where we store the demon brew. Only the higher ups know about this shit, it is the one thing that can get a demon drunk, and buddy - you look like you could use a fucking drink."
So I spent the night with Bob, consuming way too much demon brew, which tasted better than it smelled, swapping stories about our old lives and what would we do if we didn't work for Lucifer. Even when I was alive, I hadn't really had any friends - besides my brother, so this unexpected show of camaraderie warmed my heart.
Don't get me wrong, I still felt like shit about all the horrendous acts that I had committed, and I yearned for my miserable existence as a demon to end, but being with Bob shot a tiny ray of light into my dark and bleeding soul.
I just want to make it 100% clear that I do not think committing suicide sends you to Hell. I am not even certain I believe in Hell actually, but I definitely don't think that just because someone lost hope, that makes them a sinner. It just happened to work for this story, so I went with it.
Anyway, I actually managed to get in an update before I had to go to work! There should be one or two more coming later tonight, so stick around.
<3 star