I watch the sunset
Beautiful hues painted across a delicate sky
Colours embracing each other
And filling the sky with a warm, happy glow.
It is moments like these when I feel happy.
cheerful voices make their way into my ears
And although I'm alone, I'm not lonely.
My heart is full
My eyes are dry
And the colours of the sunset keep bad thoughts captive
Here, in the loving embrace of the warm sun
I am safe.
And I feel loved
And appreciated.
Grateful that I am still here, on earth
And able to see the beauty that is locked away and blocked,
By unwanted thoughts.
I close my eyes and the colours are imprinted behind my eyelids
I paint a picture in my mind
And a birdhouse in my soul.
I let happiness and gratitude course through me
It is moments like these when I am at peace
When I feel unstoppable
And I see nothing but beauty
I am happy.
And then I open my eyes
And it is gone.
The colours are now whitewashed
And the happiness that once coursed through my veins is gone.
As soon as it is no longer in my system
I feel the symptoms of withdrawal.
The birdhouse in my soul has broken
Leaving nothing but emptiness.
I close my eyes and try to see the beautiful world again
But all I see is black
I delve into it, desperate to catch a glimpse of those colours again,
Desperate to feel the good feelings again for a split second,
But the darkness is all I find within myself.
I'm still trapped.
Blackness surrounds me
And I am held captive by the broken, empty birdcage.
The sensations of the sunset slip from my mind more every day.
I'm starting to doubt if it was even real.
And even if it was
I don't deserve to see it.
I would damage it somehow:
Wash out the colours
Or make the darkness of the night swoop in and devour them,
I would make the stars go black and cold
One by one.
All I do is bring everything down with me.
Why sink a ship when one piece of garbage is all that's needed to be thrown overboard?
But I am selfish.
I am hopeful
And therefore hopeless.
I'm still hopeful that I will see the colours again.
That maybe, this time when I open my eyes
They will be there.
I can't come to terms with the fact that
That I never saw them in the first place
Because how can you miss something you don't know?
But maybe the sunset
With all it's swirling colours,
And the warm glow from the sun,
The laughter and cheerful voices,
The birds and the fluffy clouds...
Maybe they were never painted with colours
But with the hopes and dreams that will never be.
I still hang onto the bars of my birdcage,
Hoping against hope that I will see it again
Before I succumb to the darkness inside.
Hope brought me joy before
But now it will be my downfall
And even though I know it
I still hope.