(9/9/14) Hey it's my parents anniversary!!
Study hall
Typing right now probably isn't the best when my next two classes consist of constant computer use for 40 minutes each.
That's a bit of a time for 43% to last on.
oh well. I need to share a discovery I've made through observation
Depression is sickening. I mean physically sickening.
I noticed it today, I always feel crappy. I thought back... I've felt like this for years.. I thought to my childhood and the years before I wasn't mentally in ruins.
I wasn't.. in pain.. so to speak. I didn't have a constant headache or feel like I just couldn't do a thing. I mean in third grade I did.. I didn't like school then. For... Rather large reasons. Racial bullying.. well really it was bullying in general I could hardly stand.
(IF YOU DON'T LIKE WOMAN TALK DON'T READ UNTIL...)
But it all just went terribly wrong when I hit puberty.. Well.. If getting your menstrual cycles is considered hitting it for a girl.. Then yes.. It all went down ever so slowly in 6th grade.. I had gotten my cycles new years day of 5th grade.. And it slowly just ...
(HERE)
t
u
m
b
l
e
d
and still is. This has got to be a chemical thing. Being a teenager is all about changing chemicals in your head.
I know that had to be awkward to read about.. but seriously!
I never felt this... Bad until 6th grade and everyday on for 4 years was just TERRIBLE (physically)
Aches, pains, drowsiness..
God save me. The constant headache bugs me the most. I wish it was just like a tumor or something so I could get treatment and it would go away.. not some uncontrollable chemical reaction all because I'm sad or numb constantly.
Ugh... Screw me.
I'm just never happy anymore. NEVER.
NEVER NEVER NEVER.
I may smile and giggle and have a good time but I'm just numb and then it all just.. Returns.
Oh well.. Life isn't meant to be enjoyable.. Is it?
THat wasn't a rhetorical question either, are we even allowed to enjoy life at all? I mena I hear people say "It takes work" and all that stuff
BUT THOSE SAME PEOPLE ADMIT LATER THEY'RE NOT HAPPY..
Maybe everyone is like this and we all put on this facade.. and make it seem like feeling like this isn't normal...
When in fact "severe depression" IS normal..
Everything is just a victory now.. From getting up.. to eating.. to getting homework done..
THose are "normal" things too..
Ahh.. Screw... Screw it!
I think too deeply. Constant sadness isn't normal at all.
Math.
Wow rarely will you hear from me in math class. We just so happened to have a quiz I finished early with time to kill.
Not much time though..
Enough to just relax before band and unnerve before I must face the last and only class I have with my friend Tyler..
I feel like he kicked me in the heart. I texted him out of.. I don't know what... at 3:30 AM saying how much I missed him..
Gah, he ignored it. I know it. I just know it. He can't tell me "oh I didn't get that message."
Please, old excuse.....
I don't care. my pond is where I will go and where I will stay.
It's the only place where my thoughts don't follow me.
Headphones and a phone I will rarely use and I'm fine for the day.
Until night falls and I return home onto IMVU.
IMVU is this neat little 3D chat site I'm on. :/ I have plenty of friends on there and even got a few real life people to tag along and play with me. I mena I only let the real life people with me who know my sexuality secret on. Because it's really the only place I feel like I can express myself and be free.
Mehhhh :/
I'm just done.. please come 3:25 and I can just..
Disappear..
into the forest..
the pond...
I SHOULD post pictures I've taken from there.. The path and everything.. It's a nice place..
My place..
my only place...