Dear journal, Tuesday October 15, 2002
Now, That I know you're real, I don't want to let you go. This is the first time i'm feeling love and it is truly great. You are truly amazing. I still dream of you every night and day. You don't escape my mind. I can't recover my heart without you. If you leave, my broken heart will remain broken. It seems when i'm around you, my heart connects back together. I don't want this feeling to stop. We are perfect together, and it should stay like that.
New love awaits for me.
Today finally came. I wondered what I would wear today. I wanted to wear something pretty. I slipped on my blue dress with black lacing, a black thin jacket and flats. I put on my make-up, grabbed my school stuff and headed downstairs to eat some breakfast. I told myself that I wanted to tell Bill how I feel about his brother. I hope I have the strength to tell him. Well, I should. It's not i'm telling Tom himself. Just his brother. It shouldn't be a problem right? My heart starting beating rapidly. Maybe just the thought of telling Bill made me nervous.
I walk out the door to my bus stop. As I walk up, I the those girls again. I take my ipod out of my jacket pocket and turn my music on. I completely ignore those girls. I don't want to have anything to do with them. A few minutes pass, and I see Bill and Tom walking. I couldn't stop looking at Tom. He was just so hot. As they stood in front of me, I couldn't help but smile. They knew I was listening to music and I wasn't happy if I didn't listen to my music before school.
Our bus arrives and the girls get on first then us. I find a spot in the back and this time Bill is sitting next to me. I grab my notebook from my bag and pencil. I write down,
'Bill, I want to tell you something in first period.'
I showed Bill. He nodded his head, 'okay.'
We arrive at school and I go to my locker to grab some stuff. I see Bill whispering to Tom across the hall. The first bell rings for us to start heading to class. I turn off my music and I see Bill is walking right next to me. I grin and I can see in Bill's eyes that he is just waiting for me to tell him what I want to say. This is the moment when i'm going to tell Bill about my dreams and how I fell about Tom. We walk into class and take our seats. I waited until our Mrs.Herz gave us our assignment to tell Bill.
Mrs.Herz starts,
"alright class, you and a partner will work on these assignments until the bell rings. Turn in what you have done at the end of class."
She handed out a few worksheets and I grabbed 2 books. I handed one to Bill, and looked at him. I couldn't believe I was going to tell him this.
I started with,
"Bill, I want to tell you something."
"Go on." he said.
"alright here it goes.... Ever since I saw you and Tom back in Halle, that one year, I keep having the same dream about you guys. I have had it every night and it is always the same. I see you trapped in a cell underground and calling for help. I was always the only one around, but every time I tried to save you, I couldn't. It was like I was a ghost, everytime I tried to grab your arm, and pull you out. Then all of a sudden, I see Tom, running to save you. He breaks you out and you guys run off together. I raise up to the ground, and I see you guys. I see you running to some girl and you guys kiss. I see Tom sitting under a tree looking sad. I try to sit next to him, but I can't. I can only hover over him, watching him. I see one tear drop fall down from his face, and I wake up from the dream."
"wow, every night you have had that dream?"
I nod my head.
"wow, that's really intense. I can only imagine that you have feelings for Tom and you don't know how to show or say it. Do you like my brother?"
I nod my head again, and say,
"yes, I do like your brother a lot. I didn't what to do so I thought I could tell you my dream and tell you how I feel. I feel better now, that I have told you my dream, and you guessing that I like your brother. Did you know all along that I liked him?"
"no, but I kinda had a feeling you did by the way you were acting in art yesterday. and actually when we left your house, Tom couldn't stop talking about you." Bill said
I blushed so hard. We laugh and start working on a worksheet.
The bell rings and we finished both worksheets in time, which didn't really matter if we finished or not.
*boring math class*
I head to me locker to get my art folder. I see Bill and Tom at their lockers. Bill is whispering to Tom again. I think this time it's about my dream and feelings for Tom. I see Tom smile and it makes me turn my head and smile at my locker like an idiot. I close my locker and head to class quickly. I didn't really want to see Bill and Tom just yet. Mr. Allen calls me to his desk. He tells me,
"yesterday, Tom came to me at lunch and he said he wanted to work a picture with you next week. Is this okay with you?"
Before I answered, My eyes started tearing up. My heart was pounding hard. I couldn't believe Tom wanted to work on a picture with me. I was so excited. Then I answered him,
"yea, sure. It's not a problem."
"alright, make sure to make the picture school appropriate."
"of course, Mr. Allen."
I walk to my desk, and then Bill and Tom walked in. It seems as though, Tom was staring at me when he walked in. I knew, because I could never take my eyes off him. They sit down, and I just look at my folder. I didn't know if I should look at Tom or look at Bill to find out if he told Tom. Since I finished my other picture, I thought I might start another one. This time, I drew what would be Bill and this girl, what would be Tom sitting under a tree and a girl (me) hovering over him. Somehow, this seemed like the right thing to draw. Out the corner of my eye, I see Bill writing something. He hands the note to me. I read,
"Jazmine, I told Tom about your dream and how you feel about him. I know you will never have the strength to do it yourself, so I did it for you. Tom usually gets the girls whenever he wants, but he said something about you change him.."
I heart starting pounding even harder. I starting crying, because I was so happy. Bill whispers in my ear,
"look at Tom. He kinda looks depressed, like in your dreams, like you describe to me. Maybe you can be the real girl to sit next to him, instead of hovering over him. You should go talk to him."
I look at Tom. He does look exactly like in my dreams. I grab my folder and I sit in the seat that is right next to him, because no one sits there. I look at him, and he doesn't even look up from his paper. I started talking,
"Hi Tom. So I guess Bill told you about my dream and how I feel about you."
He nodded.
"yea, I didn't have the strength to tell you myself, so I told Bill. I made me feel a lot better, and I had a feeling he would have told you."
"listen Jazmine, I really don't want to talk right now, so could you just not talk to me right right now? Thanks."
"okay, sorry."
I could hear the sadness in his voice, and so could Bill of course. I left him alone, so I grabbed my folder and sat next to Bill again. I look at Bill and me looks at me. We have the same thought.
'What is wrong with Tom? He is usually never like this.'
The bell rings, and I walk to my locker to put my folder away. As I walk to my next class, I see Tom, looking sadder then ever. I wanted to ask him what was wrong, but i didn't want to bother him.
The day went by slower and slower it seemed. 7th period took forever to come. All I was thinking about was, what Mr.lamb had planned for us, and what was wrong with Tom. I wanted to ask him so bad, but I don't want to upset him anymore then he seemed already.
Finally it was 7th period, and I was never happier in my life. I wanted to see Tom again, and maybe he was ready to talk to me. I rushed to class, to make sure, I will see him as he walks in the door. A few minutes pass and I see him through the window, and then through the door. I was smiling and he seemed to try and show a smile. I look down at the desk, as he sits down. I look to Mr. Lamb as he is talking.
"today class, I will start you off with doing a worksheet, and reading from the book. You may work, only with the person next to you. If you don't have anyone, move somewhere."
I look at Tom. He looks happier than earlier today. I didn't want to ask him about today, because I thought it might upset him again. I see that he is looking at me. Trying to figure out what to say to me.
Tom says,
"hey Jazmine, sorry about earlier in art class. I was trying to figure out what to say to you, I hope I didn't make you sad today."
"no no, I just just concerned about you. I don't like to see you sad or upset about something."
"you really do care about me. The only other who does care about me is Bill of course. Our dad left our mom when we were 7. Our mom has been both parents, and she seems to have lost caring for us everyday slowly. I'm glad I know an amazing girl and so pretty to care for me."
"awe, Tom. Maybe your mom, is still sad about losing your dad, and she hasn't found the right person to love again. She loves you guys, but she is having a hard time right now. I kinda know what she feels like right now. Just give her some time."
"okay, I will. You are really an amazing girl Jazmine."
We work on the assignment as we talk.
"So Jazmine, I didn't get the chance to ask you, what were you drawing today in art? It seemed like you were drawing your dream."
"yea I was. Just seeing you today, and telling Bill about made me suddenly want to draw it."
"well, I know that girl won't be hovering over me anymore. Hey listen. Do you want to come over Friday night and watch some movies with Bill and Me?"
"yea, sure I would love to."
"great.
The bell rings, and we hand our assignment in. I couldn't be happier than this moment right now. Tom just 'kinda' asked me out! Awe, I was so happy. As I walk in the halls, Tom is at his locker with Bill. Someone, behind me touches my waist and slams me into the lockers. It was some guy who gets every girl he wants. He was an 8th grader, and I was a little scared.
"look. I have been seeing around and I think your hot, so how about you and me go chill at my house. right now?"
"no, I don't want to go."
"listen, you are going to do exactly what I say, you got that?"
I turned away. I wanted to look at Tom, but I didn't want this guy to beat up on him.
"Hey! How about you just stay away from her?" Tom said
"oh, this guy has got some guts, talking to me like that."
Tom pushed him away, grabbed me and we ran all the way to the bus, with Bill behind us.
"hey come back here!" that guy said.
He started chasing us. We were running so fast, I didn't want to look back. We all made it to the bus, and sat down in the back out of breath. We were all happy that, that guy wasn't on the bus with us. After we all got our breath back, Tom asked me,
"Are you okay? Did he hurt you? What did he say to you?"
"I'm fine, he said, that I was hot and he wanted me to chill at his house right now. I said no, then he shouted, you will do what I say, you got that?"
I was so shaken. I'm glad Tom was siting next to me. He held me in his arms and whispered,
"no one will ever hurt my girlfriend. I promise no one will ever hurt and treat you like, baby."
I was so glad when he said that, but I was so shaken, that I couldn't show it. He kissed my on the forehead, and I just rested my head on his chest until we got to our stop.
I didn't want this feeling to end, but it had to. We arrived at our stop and we got off. I said "goodnight Bill. Goodnight Tom."
Bill said, "goodnight Jazmine. Have sweet dreams." Then he walked away.
Tom said, "goodnight baby, have wonderful dreams." and kissed my cheek.
I had a feeling that he was going to kiss my lips, but I guess he wanted to wait until Friday night. I walked home, had a snack and went up to my room. Today was a long day, and luckily I had no homework. my balcony door was open, and I was to lazy to close it. I sat down and starting playing my piano. I knew that Bill and Tom would be outside but they weren't. I looked out the door, and saw that they had a balcony too, and they were sitting outside. I guess they were listening to me play. That's what I wanted. I went over and grabbed my guitar. I started playing some random things, which sounded really cool at the end. I went downstairs to eat dinner, then I went back upstairs, to my room and checked my phone. I saw that Tom was calling me. I answered,
"hey Tom."
"Come out to your balcony, I got something for you."
then he hung up. I walked outside and see Tom, holding a guitar. He started playing something. It was so beautiful, I didn't know how to express it. When he was done, he picked up his phone and put it to his ear. I grabbed my phone and sure enough, he was calling me.
I told him that, that was the most beautiful thing I have heard anybody play, especially to me. We talked for hours, then we finally went to bed. This was the first and best love I have ever had.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------