Nova
My silent treatment with Finch lasted three days. I let Finn sleep with me but I put a wall of pillows between us. We still managed to wake up cuddling though. I was naturally drawn to him. Even in my sleep. I didn't talk to him but he didn't seem to mind. He knew I wasn't a happy camper and he let me be. It made me like him a little bit more.
But I could stay mad at Finch as long as I could stay mad at Shasta-not at all. Especially since she's being an emotional wreck right now. Even when she pisses me off I still can't stay mad. I love my mom and siblings don't get me wrong but Finch is the only person on this planet that has never hurt me.
Yeah she drugged me to leave but I know she was just looking out for my best interest. I know I wouldn't have been much help with my injury but it didn't mean I wasn't butthurt about it.
I watched Finch and Tommy, talking and smiling together. He made her so happy, just like Grayson made me happy. Finch liked Tommy the second she saw him. Even if he was dirty and on the starving side. But now that he's healthy and doesn't smell like death her attraction to him is even stronger.
She touched the side of his face, his hand coming up to hold hers as they looked into each other's eyes.
Yep.
My best friend is in love.
I guess they really will be staying with us in Australia.
Finn walked over and plopped down on the couch with them and all three of them began talking and laughing.
I gazed at Finn, I couldn't help it. He's finally filled out and glowing too.
He was a good looking dude. I've never really looked at every detail of his face but for most of the time he's been with us he was pretty much a skeleton anyways so I couldn't really tell. But he was really attractive.
He wasn't really manly looking or ruggedly handsome. I guess in a way he does look manly, but just enough to keep him from having a full-on baby face. Like he's angular enough to look like a man but also looks somewhat soft and inviting and kind.
His nose was a bit long and strong but not too big to be distracting. His whole face was made up of his giant and goofy smile and his eyes were a unique and beautiful green that I've never seen before. He had nice lips too. Full and soft and an attractive dark pink. And his haircut made him look even better too.
He was really attractive. Definitely out of my league. Yet for some reason he wants to be with me. I don't get it. Back to my point he looks so much healthier now. Color in his skin and there were no longer bags under his eyes. And you could barely see his ribs anymore. He looks so much better than he did when he first came to stay with us.
Our whole group is doing so well now. They're doing good for how bad they looked when we first saved them. Both the girls and Tommy too. They were almost as healthy as Finch and I are.
And Finn was such a handsome man, he really was. And he was all mine if I could just get over my reservations of being with someone again. Of being with someone I could potentially lose.
I just don't want to get more attached than I already am and end up losing him. And I could say I'm taking my time and believe it but the second he touches me or kisses me or even just cuddles me I know I'm fucked.
I do my best to fight what I feel and suppress it and even convince myself for a moment that it's true and I can keep myself at a safe distance from him but I know it's all bullshit. Even if I try my hardest to believe it all I'm really doing is avoiding my problems like a little bitch and acting a bit like a drama queen. And that's really out of character for me too.
I want to be strong and face my fears and take a chance but I'm too stubborn and fight my true feelings to the point of stupidity and exasperation. I want to believe I have what it takes to keep him alive and safe until we do reach Australia. Where I can open up without worrying about it the whole time. Where I truly know we are safe and I won't lose him.
He didn't know this but Finch was my top priority and he was my second. If he's the man I'm going to love he has to be safe and protected. And I would do anything in my power to ensure that. I wanted him so bad but the fear of losing him is what held me back.
Fighting myself so much and so strongly for this long is fucking exhausting. I either need to end things with him or take the chance because if I don't figure it out soon I'm going to lose my damn mind. Well worse than I already have.
If it can get even worse.
"I know you want him. You should go for it. He's crazy about you, you know? I've never seen him look at a girl the way he looks at you. Even with his past girlfriends he never looked at them the way he looks at you."
I turned around and faced Halley, biting my lip.
While my heart fluttered in my chest I fought it. I'm so afraid of losing him I can't help but to push him away. I didn't want to get hurt again. As I've said before, I hate feeling hurt. I don't like emotions I'm not in control of.
Fear, hurt, sadness.
Love.
I like being in control and when I'm not in control I can't help but to be afraid of losing control and then I'm pissed because I've never really been afraid of anything. It's a vicious cycle.
"I'm sorry Halley but I can't. Not when I could lose him. I won't love again if I do."
"Nova he's going to be fine. He has you to look out for him. You won't let anything happen to him just like you won't let anything happen to us. You should have some faith in him-and yourself. He's too good of a guy to pass up."
I bit my lip harder, glancing over at him. He was already looking at me and smiled when we locked eyes. I couldn't help but to smile back. And my smile freaked me out for a second, because I haven't smiled like that ever. Not even with Grayson.
What was he doing to me?
"You better be good to Finn. He's the nicest guy I know next to my brother and he deserves the best. So stop making things difficult and give him a chance already. He's more than earned it."
I looked at Halley with wide eyes and then looked down at my feet.
"It's complicated-It really isn't. You're holding back when you shouldn't be. He deserves the best and you better give it to him. Before someone else does."
The way my heart ached as she said that worried me.
I did like Finn-I liked Finn a lot.
And that's what scared me.
"Halley you don't understand-No you don't understand Nova. I'm not saying you have to marry him but give him a chance. You know he can make you happy and you're fighting it when you shouldn't be. Give him a chance Nova. If it doesn't work out at least you can say you tried. But I think it will. And that's what's scaring you, isn't it?"
I'm not easy to read but she got it on the dot. Halley is a lot smarter than I give her credit for apparently.
"I'm scared Halley. My last boyfriend died. I had to kill him. And it still hurts. I don't like feeling hurt."
"No one does but if you don't give it a chance and end up losing him because he's tired of running around in circles with you you're going to regret it and be hurt anyways. I know you are. He's the most patient guy I know especially when it comes to you. If a guy did half the shit to me that you've done to him I wouldn't be giving him the time of day."
Was I really that horrible to him?
"You've been ignoring Finn for almost four days now and what has he done? Given you his patience and the space you wanted. So stop making shit so difficult and just go for it already!"
I turned back to Finn who was saying something to Tommy but his eyes were still on me.
Wait...I don't think he's saying something to Tommy.
I looked down at his lips, the smile coming back as I read them.
I miss you.
Fuck.
I'm so done for.
"Go for it Nova. You're always looking after us, taking care of us. It's time to have something for yourself."
Funny-Finch said almost the same thing.
"Okay Halley. Let me think about it."
Halley sighed and walked away, not happy with my answer.
But I did think about it. I've been thinking about it. I want him so bad, so so bad.
Why am I fighting what feels right?
I made my way over to them and they all stopped talking to look up at me.
Ugh.
Great.
All of them are staring at me now.
Don't they know better than that?
"Hey No. You alright?" Finch asked, her brows coming together.
I looked at the spot beside Finn and then slowly sat down-with a good amount of space between us. Finn watched me, obviously curious about what I was doing.
I bit my lip and moved closer to him until we were touching. I slowly reached my hand out and put it in his own, sliding my fingers through his and holding it tight.
"I forgive you." I mumbled, putting my head on his shoulder.
He released my hand, making me frown until he put his arm around my shoulders and pulled me even closer.
It felt so good being in his arms. I hated it.
"You still suck Tommy."
Tommy rolled his eyes but smiled, turning back to Finch and continuing their conversation.
Good. They're no longer staring at me.
"What made you change your mind? Thought I still had three days of pillow walls and dirty looks."
I shrugged, not quite sure. After that talk with Halley I kind of realized something. Finn really has been overly patient with me. More than I've deserved. I wouldn't blame him for losing interest because I have been running him in circles. I tell him I don't like him and that he means nothing to me. I snap at him and glare at him and give him a good amount of attitude. I yell at him for trying to help me and I ignore him for days because I'm a raging bitch.
And yet he still wants to be with me. I push him away, then pull him back in because of my own indecisiveness and inner turmoil. But he doesn't leave. He doesn't give up on me. But he can't be this patient forever.
How long would it take until I pushed him away again and he decided he was done?
It's time to give my second chance a chance.
"Don't worry about it. Just know that I'm ready to give you the chance you want. If you'll still have me."
Finn's eyes went wide and then a huge smile took over his face.
He leaned down and kissed me and I savored it.
"You're all I want Killer." He mumbled against my lips, kissing me again.
Finch screamed in excitement, clapping her hands together.
I tried to pull away out of embarrassment but Finn held me in place. I wasn't really one for PDA but I could kiss him forever.
"Took you long enough." He breathed out, resting his forehead against mine.
"Finally caught up, just like you wanted."