I DIDN'T WANT TO leave. University seemed like a ridiculous prospect when I had so much going on in every other aspect of my life at the moment.
Archie being home had been a lot more complicated than we all thought. And despite promising me he'd be better, as soon as he got home, he retreated inside himself and has remained shut in his room for the last five days.
That was until yesterday. I came downstairs wondering where he was because his door was open for the first time in four days. Dad had told me he'd gone for a walk, but I could tell from the worried look on his face that he'd been out for longer than would be deemed normal... even for Archie's.
Knowing he would probably call if he got into trouble, we all sat in the living room and pretended to watch a movie, but I knew Dad was doing the same as me. He was watching the door for any sign of him coming home, as well was checking his phone for any sign of whether he was okay or in any trouble.
About an hour later, Millie got a flurry of texts and apologised as she dashed out the door.
An hour after that, Millie came in the door and went straight up to bed. Ten minutes later, Archie followed, and with blood on his shirt collar and neck. Seeing the blood I dashed straight over to check he was okay but he pushed me away, saying he was fine, and that he was just tired. He never even gave us a chance to ask about where the blood came from.
When I heard the door slam, I turned to Dad and he just shook his head, telling me that people healed in their own way.
I shouted back that Archie wasn't healing, and me going away wasn't going to help him get better. Of course Dad knew what I was getting at and told me there was no way in hell I was dropping out. Before I could say anything more, I heard his door slamming, leaving me all by myself in the living room.
Since Matt died it was like the life had been sucked out of the family, and I hate that none of us seem to be able to get a handle on anything.
Turning off the light I decided Dad was right. With Archie not seeming to care about anyone or anything anymore, and with the overwhelming pressure on my shoulders of basically holding what was left of this family together, I knew all I could do was get a good night's sleep and hope that whatever bump or scrape Archie seemed to have got himself into would eventually help jog him out of his ridiculous attitude.
***
MY EYES OPEN HEAVILY, and my body feels like lead.
The excitement I felt about going to university six weeks ago has now turned to dread, and I actually feel sick about the prospect of being nearly five-hundred miles away from home when everybody needed me. But as I think about what Dad had been saying over and over, about how I should start living my life because that's what Matt would have wanted, I find my second wind and swing my legs over the bed.
My stuff wasn't quite all packed yet - I still had a few last minute things to sort - but Dad and I were leaving after lunch, staying with Mum and Mark for one night and then making the rest of the trip up tomorrow, all four of us as Mum didn't want to miss it, and I wouldn't have had it any other way. I think I also heard them all discussing having a little holiday afterwards as well, seeing Nan and Grandad, and I think it's exactly what they all need. I know, with Archie being as difficult as he's being, they haven't had a chance to breathe... and I for one know that the time away from home will do Dad a lot of good.
I was a bit worried about leaving Archie and Millie by themselves, especially Archie, but I think Dad wanted Archie to prove he could trust him, and if Dad could trust him... then maybe I could too.
I can hear plates clinking downstairs, so I decide to stay in pyjamas for now, wanting to get food in my belly first before attempting to pack the last few things. I head down the stairs and I almost trip on the last step when I see Archie standing with Dad at the cooker, turning over the bacon and keeping an eye on a cheese and pepper omelette, which was probably for me.
Conversation stops as everyone spots me, and I didn't miss the way Dad and Millie suddenly made themselves scarce.
He doesn't move, but after a minute of me basically gawping at him, he gives me an awkward wave.
"Hey."
As much as I wanted to leap into his arms and pretend things are okay, I know they're not, so I keep a cool expression and try not to give in to my inner excitement at both seeing him downstairs for the first time in days and him speaking to me.
"Hey," I say back.
His eyes look me up and down before he turns back to the omelette. "You excited about university?" He asks, his question sounding extremely forced. I hate how awkward things have got between us. His half of our dream has been postponed because of the accident and now I was abandoning him to my half. It wasn't fair. If only he knew I wanted to wait until we could do it together, just like we planned.
I shrug as my answer and sit down on the chair furthest away from him. "It feels weird to be going. But I suppose I am, yeah."
He nods and turns to look at me before shaking his head and turning away again. He looks so broken still, and as he turns away, and I spot the fresh cut on the back of his head.
"What happened to you yesterday Archie?" I ask, trying to keep my voice flat.
He shakes his head. "Nothing. I, erm... I went to the park. I lost my footing on the way out and slipped. Hit my head." He turns and points to it. That would certainly explain Millie's sudden dash out the door, but I still don't quite believe that's what happened. He's always been a terrible liar...
"You okay now?" I ask and he nods.
"It was nothing. Just a bump."
I nod. He clearly didn't want to tell me the truth, so why should I even bother asking. But then when he suddenly turns around and takes the seat next to me, I think I might about to be proven wrong.
"Tess, I'm sorry. I just... When we got home everyone was here and I... I freaked out and I acted in the wrong way and I-I... I just didn't know what to say or do."
When Dad asked if it would help having everyone here, I thought it would. Having all my friends round me - people that knew Matt - really helped me so I thought it would help him too. But when he stormed off and slammed the door, not appearing for three days, I knew it was clearly the wrong thing to do. Because of that I hadn't wanted to push him, and I left him alone until he was comfortable to come to us. I don't know whether that was wrong either, but I'd never felt so unsure in our relationship and I hated it.
"No, Archie, I'm sorry. It's my fault they were there." I take his hand quickly, before he can pull it away, and he puts his other hand over mine, smiling. "I'm sorry," I repeat.
He looks up and I think I see a small spark of brightness in his eyes, but before I can smile back at him, the brightness is gone.
"I wish I could come with you," he says, standing to sort the pan of bacon, which was now starting to smell mouthwatering.
"Me too. I'm really going to miss you Arch."
He turns and flashes me a forced smile. "Me too." His voice sounds pained, and I'm wondering what the hell is going through his mind. "But try not to miss me too much okay?" He says, trying to joke, but it doesn't sound like he's joking at all.
With that, Millie and Dad come back in and I decide to quickly get dressed.
Conversation remains forced and awkward throughout breakfast, and as soon as everyone's finished, Archie heads back upstairs and we hear the door slam.
"I'm going to do the last of my packing," I say to Dad and Millie, who both smile as I stand. "I'll see you in a bit."
Three hours later, my stuff is all packed into the back of Dad's car, packed to the brim and almost bursting, and I still can't believe I'm heading away under these circumstances.
When I get downstairs after making my bed and tidying the last bits of my room, I'm worried when I only see Millie downstairs and Dad says we need to get going.
"Where is he?" I ask her, walking over to her and throwing my arms around her neck. Her soft brown curls nearly go up my nose as I hug her hard as hard as I can.
"He's coming," she tells me as she pulls back. "I said I'd break down the door if he didn't." Two months ago I would have laughed at that comment, but now she looks completely serious and probably isn't joking.
Something has happened between the two of them over the last couple of days, and I wasn't sure what. The two of them have been so close, through everything, and yet now they can barely stand to be in the same room as each other, not saying a word.
Sure enough, a few minutes later, a hear a pair of footsteps slowly making their way down the stairs just as Dad comes back in the door, clapping his hands together, a smile covering his face.
"Right, I think that's it."
Dad looks at me and I can feel tears coming to my eyes. I really don't want to leave.
I can't tear my eyes away from Archie's and I can see the same tears building in his. Something's happening in that head of his, and I know it's something bad... but I don't know what to do.
"I'm just a phone call away, guys. Please call. Please text." I'm speaking to both of them but I'm talking to Archie, hoping it'll sink in enough for him to use the lifeline I'm offering. I know Millie will stay in touch. I think Archie will eventually, but I'm just wondering how long that will take. "I'm still me... just five hundred miles away," I joke with a shrug.
Millie laughs as she hugs me.
"Love you Tess. And I'm really going to miss you!" I can hear how sad she is, which only makes leaving harder, but I know this is something I need to do.
"I love you too, Mils. I'll call you everyday, I promise. It'll be like I never left." She nods against my head and squeezes me once more before she lets me go, moving on to hug Dad.
Archie is still looking at me, and as I take a step, several tears spill over his eyes and down his cheeks. He steps forward to meet me and holds me firmly in his arms, tucking his face into the side of my neck, kissing the skin on it before pulling away.
He holds my face in his cheeks, stroking them softly as he looks at every part of me; he strokes my hair before travelling his hands down my arms to take my hands in his. And when he does that, he leans forward and presses a surprising but firm kiss against my mouth that makes me gasp.
Just as quickly, though, the kiss is over and I feel like he's studying me, his deep caramel eyes staring deep into my soul as if he's remembering every last detail he can.
"I love you," I whisper to him, holding his hand against my cheek as he gives me a small smile. It's not quite the smile I love, the one that brings out his dimple, but it's good enough for now.
He doesn't say anything back and I find myself yearning for those three little words to be returned just once more before I go. I haven't heard them for so long.
"I love you so much," I say again, leaning up on my tiptoes to rest my forehead against his.
He nods again and this time I get my answer. "I love you too, Tessa." It's a tiny whisper, but it's enough for me to know some day he'll come back to me. My Archie will come back to me.
He kisses me once more as I hear Dad calling for me from the car. He then lets me go and leans against the door frame as I walk down the steps.
As I get in the car, I keep my eyes on him... I put my belt on, keeping him in the mirror, and as Dad pulls away slowly down the road, I lean my head out of the window and watch him grow smaller and smaller, until he becomes the tiniest speck in the distance.
"Come back to me, Archie," I whisper, my head still resting on the door frame as Dad turns the corner and out of sight. "Please... come back to me."
***
THREE WEEKS LATER
UNIVERSITY WAS EXACTLY WHAT I'd hoped it to be.
I had friends who didn't know what had happened to me, I had classmates I could start over with, and I had subjects and lessons that could distract me and my thoughts from flying all the way home.
Today is the start of our fourth week of classes, and I'm already enjoying the fact we have to read essay after essay, making notes on book after book. Each assignment keeps me from thinking about the one thing - the one person - that was stopping me from enjoying uni to its fullest.
My first week had been a bit of a whirlwind.
Having done exactly what Matt had told me to do when I first arrived, as soon as I heard someone in the kitchen I went in and introduced myself. It was a boy called Glen, one who I later found out would be on my course with me, and he was just dropping off a 'Welcome to University' cake for our hall to enjoy before he brought up the rest of his stuff. He's from Leeds, and in the two weeks I've known him, I've come to understand he can talk about anything and everything, and when you're trying to avoid answering questions about home, he's the perfect guy to have around.
I met Nelly next. She arrived the day after Glen did, and she's three years older than us, having one gap year turn to three, and she's studying to be a nurse after working abroad for the last two years. She's from Glasgow, and she told us that her family think she's a traitor for going to Edinburgh. I laughed when she said it because I had very little clue as to what she was saying with such a thick accent. But after a few days, and after a lot of drinking, I can just about understand her. Either her accent gets thinner when she drinks or I'm slowly learning Glaswegian, it only made me like her more.
But even though I've had just had nearly a month of parties and lessons to keep myself distracted, I'm now starting to worry.
All the way up to Scotland we were talking about anything but Archie, and now, the fact I hadn't heard anything from him for nearly a month, I'm worried something has happened.
I texted him every day during Freshers Week. I texted him once a day, telling him the gist of what happened, and I hadn't received one response. It always said delivered, which was always a relief, but every time I sat there for ten minutes, staring at my phone, hoping I'll get one response. I didn't care if it was just a word acknowledgment... I just wanted some kind of response.
Dad had told me not to, because he needed space, but I couldn't help it. We'd never gone so long without texting or talking to each other. And he had been so different that I didn't know what to do...
But maybe it was just all in my head... Or even that it was me who was the problem. Either way, I wanted the world to go back to normal by the time I came home in a few weeks for his birthday. That was the dream.
Today, though, I need a distraction. And seeing as I didn't have any classes, I decided to was the perfect time to go exploring. I wanted to prove to myself, my family and my new friends that I could enjoy a day of freedom; one day where wasn't thinking about home, and just enjoying the last of the good weather up here in Scotland before it becomes miserable and rainy for months.
Just as I swing my legs over the bed I hear a knock at the door.
"Tess, you up?" Nelly calls.
I yawn. "Coming!" I push myself up off the bed and trot to the door, opening it to reveal Nelly stood in her pyjamas, her nested hairstyle still vaguely intact from last night's excursion to the local pub.
"Pat and I are headed to the movies in a bit if you want to join?" She asks. Pat was her boyfriend, and even though he wasn't a student here, he stayed with her most nights. He was studying at Glasgow, but given he's been here every day for three weeks, I'd say he'll be making a transfer at some point this year. The two of them made me miss Danny and Charlotte.
I shake my head. "No, I'm going into town today. I've got tickets to see the castle later on."
She nods, remembering.
"Maybe I could meet you after though?" I suggest and her eyes brighten as she nods.
"Yeah that sounds good!" She smiles. "Okay I'll let you get out and off. Are Glen or Ryan joining you?" She asks.
I shake my head. "Nope, just me, myself and I," I tell her. She smiles as she taps her nose in response and moves down the corridor, back to her room.
Checking the time, it's just after ten, so I stick my phone on charge whilst I get in the shower.
The warm water is relaxing after waking up with stressed shoulders, and I stay in there for nearly half an hour, letting my fingers go all pruny while I wash my hair twice. When I get out, I stand and brush my hair while it's wet, letting it dry naturally and wavy, and brush my teeth before I go out into my bedroom.
The weather is still relatively warm for the beginning of October, but the wind does have a tendency to pick up, so I put on a pair of skinny jeans and a blue t-shirt before shrugging on my new University of Edinburgh hoodie I'd bought in Freshers week. I pack my raincoat into my bag, just in case, before I head to the kitchen to grab a cup of coffee before I go.
When I come back after getting caught in conversation with Nelly and Glen, my phone is vibrating, and as I miss the call again, I realise I'd missed about fifty calls from my dad, with text messages asking me to call him back when I can.
My hands are shaking so much I spill my coffee on the carpet and when I pick up my phone as Dad starts ringing again, my heart is in my stomach, knowing something must be wrong for him to have rung me so many times.
"Dad?" I ask, my voice already sounding shaky before he's even said anything.
"Tessa..."
He sounds beyond sad. He sounds distraught, and I can hear how he's trying to keep it together for me over the phone.
"Tessa... it's Archie."
My hand flies to my mouth as tears spring to my eyes and I can barely hear what he's saying. I need to listen but my brain has flown away from me, along with my ability to hear or speak or understand anything.
"He's gone."
My mouth opens to respond but all I can hear is 'he's gone' echoing around my mind as if I'm in a large, dark cave, with the sound reverberating off the walls, only getting louder and louder as I try to block it out.
He can't have. He was fine. He can't have... gone?
But as my mind starts to spiral and I think of how he was behaving... how he didn't look any better for the weeks he'd been home and it suddenly hits me all at once.
A visceral cry comes out of me, a loud sharp scream that hits the walls and bounces back at me with such force I feel my legs give way beneath me. I scream again as I throw my arms to the side, not wanting to hear anything more my dad had to say as I tuck my knees up into my chest and sob into my jeans.
For a while, the world goes black as I rock myself backwards and forwards, but when I hear a creak from above me I know I can't have imagined the reaction I'd had to Dad telling me.
"Tessa?"
Even though I know the voice isn't Dad's, it still startles me. It's Nelly's and as she calls my name again, I'm still trying to make sense of what's just happened and how I'd let my life get worse.
I lift my head and as I attempt to get a grip of my reality, I turn to find three pairs of concerned-looking eyes staring back at me with my phone is broken against the wall.
"Tessa, hon, you just screamed. What's happened?"
I feel my mouth try to move as I attempt to speak, but no words come out.
"Guys, can you go get her some water... or some tea?" The two boys hurry out of my room just as I start to wail and Nelly's arms come around me, holding me close to her, trying to offer any form of comfort she can.
"Tessa, sweetie, what happened?" She asks me, her voice soft. She pulls back and looks at me, wiping at my soaked cheeks.
I sniff as I try to decide whether I should get the words out. If I speak them, that means they're true, and I don't want it to be true. It was bad enough losing my brother. It was bad enough that Richard took half my soul away from me, but it was now a maliciously cruel twist of fate that he takes the other half as well.
He'd finally got what he wanted and no matter what happened, I knew I would never be the same again.