Song: Lonely by Nathan Wagner
Yay another update ^^
*
*
It wasn't the skies smeared with dark, grey clouds as imperfect as himself that told him something was wrong. It wasn't the way humanity seemed to shrivel away inside their homes, or the fact that lightening flared above him and thunder drummed under his feet with mighty vibrations.
No, it was something much different. Something much, much different.
Because it was a feeling. A feeling that rattled him and shook him to the core. A feeling that was familiar in the way that made him feel anxious, panicked, and disoriented.
A feeling that made him feel like a terrified little child again, clutching his little blue blanket as his tormentor reveled in the fear in his eyes before taking him to his room to beat him until he screamed.
And when Colton felt like that, he coped with it by drowning it out in alcohol and drugs. But he pushed that urge away, because something told him that he was going to need to be sober to figure out the problem developing before him.
He would need to be in the right state of mind.
He didn't have much in his life, he had his gang and he had that....girl. That girl that made him feel things he couldn't identify. He always was told nobody could ever love him, and in return, he believed he couldn't love anyone, either.
To him, love was a silly concept. It was a relationship based clearly on emotions, and Colton knew quite well that emotions change.
And when emotions change, love dissipates.
But he wouldn't know, because he's never been in love, and nobody has ever shown him even the slightest amount of compassion.
So the possibility of having feelings for that girl wasn't even an option for him. He didn't realize he was starting to have the smallest amount of feelings for her because he was in denial and didn't know how to recognize what those types of feelings felt like in the first place.
It had been a few days since he had last been in contact with Addison, and he yearned to see her again. He was anxious. Anxious because something was wrong.
Something was wrong and he had to go see Addison.
The rival gangs had been too quiet lately, and he feared harm would be brought upon Addison because he had been foolish enough to be around her when his enemies were watching.
He destroys everything he touches, why would this be any different?
He fumbled with the keys to his motorcycle and cursed aloud when his shaky hands failed on multiple attempts to jam the key into the ignition. He was losing his mind to panic, and he tried his best to keep himself composed.
To Colton, his mind was the lonely place he called home, with many terrifying rooms that held dark memories. His mind, then, was more like a haunted house that did nothing but scare him and confuse him. It was easy for him to be locked in one of those rooms and become easily distracted by sudden panic that attacked him often.
He couldn't even configure his own mind which made all situations even worse.
His mind was in pieces by the time he arrived at the little apartment Addison called home. He remembered fondly how proud she was of the little piece of shit she had managed to afford. He admired that about her - she found joy in the little accomplishments in life.
Of course, anyone would find joy if they gained something small when they had nothing. But he still thought it was an admirable trait in Addison. He wasn't like that, he didn't - no, he couldn't seem to find joy in anything these days.
He had lost interest in everything long ago. He felt detached from life, but somehow manages to survive one step at a time.
And the fact that he could harm the only good thing in his life terrified him. He's so afraid to love, yet so afraid to be alone. Fear controls him as does denial, and he desperately chases perfection with broken legs.
And as he approaches the apartment building, his heart rate spikes. It beats like a cadent in his chest because there's red and flashing lights blinding him.
His pace quickens, his eyes dancing frantically about, quickly analyzing the scene around him. Fire trucks, officer vehicles, and ambulances are gathered around, and people in uniforms are either surveying the clues in the midst of chaos, or scrambling about in and out of the building.
Yellow tape that reads in bold words, DO NOT CROSS, tries to restrict him from entering the scene. In an instant, he has pushed himself through the boundaries that cages the public off and finds himself lost among the chaos.
Adrenaline filled chaos that feeds his anxiety.
"Sir, you're not supposed to be over here!" An officer frantically shouts, rushing over to him at once.
"Where is she?" He questions quickly.
The officer pays no attention to his question, and instead, lays a firm guiding hand on Colton's shoulder. "Sir-"
"Don't touch me!" He exclaims, shrinking away from the man's touch as tremors creep up his spine. His eyes darken and he resists the urge to handle the situation with violence.
He knew getting arrested would lead to many unwanted questions.
"I said, where is she?" Colton enunciates each syllable with a threatening tone to his voice.
At that moment, paramedics burst from the open double doors of the apartment building wheeling an unconscious, battered woman. Their faces looked panicked as they shouted orders amongst one another and rush into a nearby ambulance.
Colton goes to lunge towards the ambulance, but he is quickly held back by a few officers. "Get your fucking hands off of me, you bastards, let me go!" He growls fiercely, desperately fighting the hands that force him back and hold him captive.
"That's her, that's her! I have to go see her!" He yells frantically, becoming more agitated and even more anxious and worried as he watched the ambulance speed off, sirens roaring and lights flashing.
Colton never dealt with stressful situations very well. Often times, he would find himself lashing out and becoming violent. He was close to losing himself in the throes of his aggressive ways, but he knew he had to keep his anger under some restraint if he wanted to stay out of trouble.
"Who are you to the victim?" The officer questions.
"Her boyfriend." He blurts out. Even Colton himself is shocked at his own words.
"There has been an incident that involved your girlfriend," The officer informs, "She was viciously attacked in her apartment earlier this afternoon. Gang violence is possible."
Colton's jaw clenched and unclenched. He knew that this specific incident was his fault. He should have known that his enemies were always watching him, waiting for his moment of weakness to shine.
And now he's dragged Addison into his own dark world.
He didn't want to waste anymore time. He needed to get to the hospital as soon as possible. "Move out of my damn way, I need to go see her." He says, pushing his way through the small crowd that has gathered.
He knew he would be questioned later, but right now, Addison was his priority.
He needed to get out of his gang, and he needed to do it quickly.
* * *
The hospital looked the same on every floor. Colton knew this because he had anxiously paced around the floors of the hospital, waiting for Addison to get out of surgery that was estimated to be around five hours long.
Stabbed.
She had been stabbed six times. Her wounds were aimed at her thighs, arms, and abdomen. It appeared that this was merely a warning - a small taste of something worse that could come in the future if Colton didn't do something about it.
And he was furious.
He was furious at many people in his life, but those who dare to threaten someone like Addison nearly pushed him over the edge.
His mind was thinking of all the possibilities for revenge. He saw nothing but red, and when he was angry, he was blinded by violence and never thought with logic. He would always lash out, which only added to the wave of violence that he calls life.
When the time for her surgery to be over neared, he went back into the waiting room, where he waited anxiously. He quickly decided that he didn't like hospitals.
Too much sickness, too many people, too much death.
He was always an illusive man, preferring to stay out of sight from others and roaming the darkness to do about his business.
In the waiting room, he took note of worried parents, sickly elderly, and even children with wide eyes, not understanding what exactly was going on. Others sat there, with a blank look smeared across their faces while some flipped through magazines, acting like the world wasn't bothering them.
Colton wondered how many of these people waiting are going to lose a family member or a friend.
How many of these people will have their lives changed forever?
He stood up when he saw the doctor approaching him, who was clothed in surgical scrubs and wore a stoic look on his face.
"Are you the boyfriend of Addison?" The doctor asks.
"Yes, I am." There, he said it again. He hoped Addison wouldn't be mad. And somewhere, deep down inside of him, he favored the idea of Addison being something more than, well, just "acquaintances."
But he would damn himself to hell before he would ever acknowledge his feelings and admit that.
"The surgery went well. She had some internal bleeding, but luckily she got here when she did. Any longer and she could've been put into a coma." The doctor informs.
"Can I go see her?"
"Yes, though she hasn't woken up from surgery yet, and probably won't wake up for at least another half hour or so."
Colton didn't mind waiting. He was just relieved that she made it out alive. And when he walked into the small hospital room and saw the fragile woman lying in the bed blanketed in bandages, he swore he would find the ones responsible for this and end them.
Because Colton believes he will find peace in violence, or some sort of satisfaction.
But that is not the case, for revenge is a dangerous, dark weapon that can be lethal if one is not diligent. Revenge is almost like a predator, in the way that it is unpredictable and even vicious.
His thoughts calmed when he sat down and saw the gentle breathing of his unconscious Addison.
He was in turmoil with himself - he wanted, no needed to seek revenge for what they did to Addison. It's what Addison would want, right?
Maybe he's mixing up his wants with Addison's wants. He knew himself that if it were the other way around, he would want to be avenged.
The other half of him, however, was tired. Tired from constantly fighting and living a life that consists of darkness. He's never gotten to simply relax, for he's always on his toes, always watching, always guarded. Sometimes, he's convinced that he's taught himself to sleep with one eye open.
Because there's always someone after him.
Sometimes that someone is his own self, his own ridiculing thoughts. His own nightmares, his own judgement.
He is too harsh on himself, often convincing himself that he deserves to suffer for the dark things he has committed.
But he knew he really just wanted to end this once and for all and endure the tremendous consequences in order to escape his gang, the only family he has ever known.
As he contemplates his actions, he finally makes a decision when he gazes at Addison's peaceful features. It made all previous doubt disappear from his mind.
He would endure the mightiest of storms and if that meant he could have a chance at real freedom and let go of his past. If that meant Addison could be safe from the consequences of his nefarious ways.
It was something he should have done a long time ago.
He never thought a girl would be the motivation he was looking for.
All he needed was something, no, someone to fight for.