Dear Lord, if you could strike me dead here and now, I would appreciate it.
I say my silent prayer the entire way through dinner. This has got to be the most awkward situation of my life, which is saying a lot.
My grandma got her usual bucket of chicken from KFC for the occasion. Evan would never normally eat something as unhealthy as this, but the idea of him being rude to my grandma is completely unfathomable. So he swallows the food with as much enthusiasm as he can fake.
He's not nervous at all. He's not only answering all my parents' questions about himself, but he's also initiating conversations with the table. He places his relaxed hand on my leg, and I look up at Nick for the first time. He's not looking at me.
So many emotions hit me when I saw him standing next to my grandma. Joy, hopefulness, desire, terror, and fear, just to name a few. I haven't laid eyes on him since this summer. His hair is long enough that he can tuck it behind his ear, like he hasn't gotten it cut at all—which doesn't surprise me.
What was he doing here anyway? This is just supposed to be family. Although it is debatable that Nick is practically a part of our family too.
I tried to shake everything off when I saw Ian round the corner from the kitchen. I ran to him and hugged him. I haven't seen him since the day he left for school. I hoped no one noticed that I didn't say hi to Nick.
Nick hasn't said a word all night—even through all the introductions. He shook Evan's hand but didn't meet his eyes, or mine. I feel awful about this. I never would have brought Evan here if I had thought Nick would be here. It seems cruel, even though it shouldn't. He rejected me, not the other way around.
It would be his hand on my leg right now if he wouldn't have pushed me away. I know that's the truth, and I'm pretty sure he does, too.
The drunk text messages the other night were my attempt at an olive branch. If we were going to be living together for the next month, we needed to at least be friendly.
But when I saw the look on his face when Evan wrapped his arm around me, I knew we couldn't be friends.
My thoughts are interrupted by a knock on the front door. "I'll get it!" I say before anyone else has a chance. I need to get out of this room, even if it's only for a moment.
When I open the door, my eyes start to water instantly. It's Mandy. It's my best friend, cousin, savior, ally, who I haven't seen in half of a year.
"Since when does Grandma lock the door?" She asks.
I don't answer and pull her into a hug. I wrap my arms around her tightly, and she does the same to me. "Oh my God. I missed you, Bai. You have no idea."
"I missed you too." I still don't let her go. "So much has happened, and I don't even know where to begin."
I feel her head nod against my shoulder. "I'm home for two weeks. We'll have time."
I smile gratefully even though I know she can't see me.
"Who's here?" I hear Grandma yell from the dining room.
"It's me!" Mandy yells, breaking the hug.
"Mandy?!? Get your ass in here!" Grandma yells, chuckling.
We walk into the room together, and Mandy hugs everyone at the table, insisting they don't stand up. "And who's this?" She asks when she gets to Evan.
"This is Evan, my boyfriend," I interject.
Mandy's eyebrows rise and I see her shoot a quick glance in Nick's direction. "I see. Nice to meet you," she says, patting him on the back. She mouths the words "What the fuck?" to me before sitting down at the only available seat, next to Evan.
She doesn't know about Evan, or what happened with Nick. The few times that I'd gotten to talk to her, I wanted to hear about her adventures, not tell her about my problems.
The day she left in July, she told me she thought Nick and I would be dating by the time school started, so this sudden turn of events is probably a shock.
After she eats a quick meal, my parents offer to clean up while we talk in the living room. "You kids have a lot of catching up to do, I'm sure," my mom says. "You went from spending everyday together to months apart."
I sit on the couch with Mandy on one side of me and Evan on the other. He puts his arm around me and is grazing his thumb along my upper arm. I look at Nick and see him staring at the movement. When he sees me turn to him, he quickly looks away.
Evan is always looking for ways to touch me when we are together. It's actually one of the things I like about him, but not right now. I don't want to be touched right now.
"Excuse me. I'll be right back," I say. I walk out of the room and down one of the hallways leading to the backyard. I just needed a minute. A minute to breathe. A minute away from Evan, and Nick.
I don't get my wish. After what feels like a few seconds, Evan finds me. "My God, this house is like a maze." He leans on the wall next to me, and takes my hand in his. "Are you alright?"
"Yes. It was just hot in there. Too many people, you know?"
He nods, but I can tell he's still confused. "What's the deal with that Nick guy?"
"What do you mean?"
"I mean, who is he? I know he's your brother's friend, but, I mean, why is here now? At a family dinner?"
"He is basically family. He's lived with us for about a year now, when he wasn't at school." I get defensive even though I had had the same thought process earlier tonight.
"I guess I just find it weird that you've never mentioned him before." Evan drops it and moves to stand in front of me. "When you walked away, I thought maybe you were looking for a way for us to be alone," he whispers and leans down to kiss me.
I peck him quickly on the lips before pushing against his chest, away from me. "Evan, we're at my grandma's house."
He leans back into me, placing one hand on the wall by my head and the other around my waist. "We're not going to see each other for a month, though. I just want a kiss."
He nuzzles into my neck like he loves to do. He hasn't shaved in a few days and while he's planting soft kisses on my skin, his face stubble is making me giggle.
He laughs softly, "You like that, don't you?"
I don't get a chance to answer. I see movement out of the corner of my eye. My heart stops as I see Nick. He looks like he's in pain. "I'm...I'm sorry. I didn't think anyone would be this way."
I shake my head. "No. Nick, it's fine. We weren't—"
He looks away and starts walking past us, further down the hall. "I was just going outside for a minute," he mumbles.
Evan smiles at me. "Oops."
I'm so angry at him right now. "I need to go talk to him. Give me a minute," I say as I push him away and follow Nick.
I hear him from behind me. "Why? What's the big deal?" I don't respond.
Nick is on back porch, looking into the yard, eyes glazed over.
"Nick, I'm sorry you saw that."
"I didn't mean to interrupt," he says sharply. "You should get back to him."
He sounds angry, which makes me angry. "I am trying to be sympathetic here, but you're making it very difficult."
"Sympathetic for what? You don't think I've been pining away for you this whole time, do you? I've moved on!"
"That's right, Nick. Push me away. It's what you're best at. Say whatever you can that's going to hurt me the most!"
He looks at me, speechless, before giving a frustrated sigh and running his hands through his hair. "God! Why did you have to bring him here?!?"
"I brought him here, Nick, because he's my boyfriend! And my family wanted to meet him! That's not a bad thing! And you have no right to be mad! You don't want me, remember?!?"
"What are you talking about?" His tone is calmer now.
"Do you even hear the words that come out of your mouth? You literally just said you had 'moved on', whatever that means." I swallow slowly, trying to gather my emotions. "And what you said before we left for school...you said you didn't mean the things you said to me the night before." I can't use the word 'love'.
"Bailey, I am so sorry about that," he holds his hands out to me, desperation on his face. He's being sincere. "I regret it. That morning, it was just all too much. I was thinking about us, and Ian—"
I interrupt, my anger surfacing once again. "Of course you were! You picked him over me! Just like always!"
"It's not that simple, Bailey!"
"Yes it is, Nick! I get that he saved you from your stepdad. I was there, remember? But that doesn't mean you owe him this, you don't owe him me."
He looks at me like he's seeing me for the first time. I can't believe those words just came out of my mouth. Bringing that up was a low blow, even I can see that.
He takes a deep breath and begins walking toward me slowly, until he is towering over me. He's obviously heated, but I'm not scared. "You know what, Bailey? In all the time that has passed since that day, Ian has never brought up what he did or thrown it in my face the way you just did. So, yeah, maybe I do choose him."
"I'm sorry. That was fucked up, really. I don't think that. I just said it—"
I'm cut off by Nick's mouth pressing into mine.