Erik
I didn't know anything. Nothing about me. Nothing about people around me. Nothing about the love I had believed in. Looking at the waves of a secluded beach closed down due to an impending storm all I could see was myself. The tides high, angry and chaotic just like I felt from the inside. My tears of anger, regret and hopelessness mixed with the waves changing nothing. I was no longer a victim of Serilda's vindictive scheme I was a victim of my own monstrous ways.
The truth had hit me, tearing me apart like never before. It had left me with nothing not even a bitter feeling. It made me hollow, empty and with nothing. The truth had robbed me of everything destroying my world, belief, trust and even the meaning of love. The illusion of love just hasn't ripped off me, it had shattered my inner soul, my everything and my belief in everything for so long. I didn't have anything even left. Not even the sole purpose to live. I was guilty, guilty of so many things that I didn't have the courage to even look at my own hands, the hands that have helped in holding down a woman as I forced myself upon her. The hands that have abused a woman so innocent. The hands that have destroyed the hope of a naïve woman, the hands that no longer deem to even be touched by anyone.
The stormy wind hit me on the face, the waves rising and rising, calling me. They are calling me. Giving me a way out. Calling me to give me what I really deserve. In times before I would have stepped back before but now, I welcomed them. I welcomed the storm. I welcomed everything that would destroy me, kill me and end me.
Serena had robbed me off everything within minutes, from my insanity to love and regret. She had taken away everything from me and the worst past was I had let her. I had been the one who had let her do this to me. I had seen the crazy side of her and I had let it pass thinking that she was crazy for my love. I had been the one who had given her the power to destroy me and others. Puppet, I was her puppet to destroy Serilda. She had used me and the worst thing was that I had always let her. I had done everything for her in the name of love, a love that had never existed a love that had never ever been present.
I wanted to kill her, destroy her the way I thought she had me. I had done everything to hurt her and break her. All because Serena had wanted to it. I had lost my mind and she had controlled me. How blind could I have been in the name of love? How could I have lost my senses? How could I have done this? How could I have destroyed everything so good? Why couldn't I have seen through the innocence of Serilda? Why had the god let it happen? Why hadn't he showed me the right way? Why?
"Sir, I think you need to step back," some one yelled from back but I ignored them. I took every and each step as the waves called me in. They called me to wash away my sins and wash me away from this world. The waves crashed against my legs making me lose my balance for once but I didn't stop. I fell and stood up again. My steps didn't flatter. I walked and walked to abolish my sins.
"Stop," someone yelled but I didn't stop. All I could see was a way to end my life and get this world rid of me, let Serilda get rid of a monster like me. It was the least I could do for her. Tears ran down my face mixing with the sea water. The sea was calling me, mixing itself with me.
Hands wrapped around my arms and I tried to free myself from their hold. I fought them as hard as I could. I didn't want to live, I didn't deserve to. I was a monster and a bastard. I had done things that are too monstrous for my own sake. My eyes had opened today making me realise what a l had been doing. How I had been destroying everything? How I had killed a child of whom I had never even known of. A child who was there and I had never got to meet or even acknowledge. I was taking revenge for a child that never even existed and I lost the one I could have. I lost my child, love of the woman who had wanted nothing but my love. I had lost Serilda, and stole everything from her. I didn't deserve to even live, not after what I had done. I fell down as two people dragged me out of the water. The salty water invaded my nose and burned my eyes.
"Idiot rich man," one of the men scoffed.
"That they are," the other one scoffed as they dragged me away from the water as I tried to wriggle out of their hold.
"Let me go!" I yelled being pulled far way from water. I didn't have the right to live not after everything I had done.
"Shut up, Asshole!" he screamed as he let go of my hands and stood in front of me. It was someone from the resort.
"Do you really think that ending your life would make things better!" he yelled at me as I looked up at him. He was a middle-aged man. The second one joined him who was younger than him. Maybe his son because they looked so much alike.
Did my child would have had the same looks as me? Would he had looked like me or Serilda? Would it have been a boy or girl?
The questions bombarded my mind making me scream in frustration in pain.
I had lost it all.
"I deserve it! I deserve death." I screamed as those two stood in front of me.
"Oh come on!" the younger one scoffed. "Death is nothing but a fucking easy way out. It is a fucking permanent solution to your temporary problem. There is nothing big enough in this world to make you kill your ownself," he yelled at me.
"You don't know anything,"
"Oh boy we know enough. We had been working our asses of to make that bitches wedding happen. We have eyes and a mind. We truly had seen what else has been happening in here and to that woman who is your wife till now, and God knows why had she been with you for so long! Do you really think that killing yourself would be some kind of fucking justice to her? No, it wouldn't be. Let me tell you that you are nothing but a weak man. A fucking weak human and not even a damn man because if you really had been a man enough you wouldn't have tried to end your life like that. You wife doesn't deserve to carry the guilt of your death for the rest of your life. She doesn't deserve to be looked down upon by this society and surely, she didn't deserve any of the shit she went through but she did. Now hear me if you are really guilty and man enough than you would fucking get up and live with this regret because only then you could show the world that you are really sorry because let me tell you that you killing yourself would not help anyone but only be a problem for your wife. If you really want to tell your wife that you are sorry than stand up and beg her, live to prove it enough that you are guilty and for once in life treat that woman right. Because no fucking woman would stay with you after what you had done if she didn't love you!" the older one told me with anger in his voice.
"She doesn't deserve a man like you but someone better than you. So, for fucking sake get her forgiveness and try to be a better man. Respect her, respect her choices and fucking live to at least bear an ounce of the pain she had gone through because it is the only way you can redeem yourself and if you can't do that then you don't even deserve death," he continued making me nothing but shameful of my own self.
"Get up and go to your wife before we have to trouble her by calling her here to pick your sorry ass up," the younger one said.
Standing up on my own two feet I pushed myself to get under the angry eyes of the men who had knocked some sense into me. I didn't look at them but turned around and walked aimlessly. My feet were heavy as I was being pushed down by the guilt and remorse of my sins. Everything was becoming harder for me, even breathing.
I didn't have the courage to go and seek for Serilda. I haven't just wronged her I had destroyed her, broken her and raped her. I was ripping myself apart from the inside by remembering again and again what I had done. Burning myself in agony from the inside. I wanted to break these hands that have abused her, lose the mind that had find ways to hurt her and kill myself for the man who had raped her. How could I have done something so harsh? How could my love destroy people?
I wasn't just crying I was cutting myself open to bleed. My tears were nothing compared to the tears she had shed ever since I had come into her life. Her every tear was on me. Every bruise on her body was been given by me, every break in her heart had been put by me but worst of all I had taken her innocence, her soul and everything. How could I have done this? How blind had this obsessive love had turned me into? She has tried to do everything to make me hear her and all I had done was push her away call her names and what now. I humiliated her again and again without caring about how she felt.
I had wronged her in every way and all I could do was nothing to even make it write.
Destroying a woman, raping her and still abusing her made me worse than my own father. I have gone way past then just cheating, broken that level long ago just in the first week of our wedding. All I could think of was the tears in her eyes those numerous times. I had never cared about her but only the fact she was constantly hurting. But every moment I had find to hurt her, every escape I had found, even the smallest moment of calling her names was hurting me now. Everything, every word was not on her but me. I had been the one that deserved all those words and the pain and it still won't be enough for me.
Serilda was pregnant with my child, the knowledge of it had stabbed me in the heart. My first real child died because of me and Serena. I could have been a father but I wasted it all because of being a toy of Serena's. She had played me at every and each part and I had let myself played. I had longed to have my family for so long. I wanted to give my children the love I hadn't got. Serena knew about this but she has used this knowledge to her benefit, to be her saving grace. I had been hurt when she had told me that she had lost the kid and that too because Serena had poisoned her. I didn't even get the time to grieve because anger and hatred for Serilda had taken over me. It was now I realised that I have been blind.
I wasn't just hurting. I was breaking, I had lost my child just because of my abuse and hurting Serilda. Even after what I had done to her. How I had humiliated her, cheated on her and she had still kept my child. Still wanted to give birth to it. How could a woman have the power to do that? How could Serilda be so good with a family and sister like Serena? How can she be the complete opposite of what everyone has thought her to be? How could I have been so blind to not see the goodness in her?
I wanted to hurt Serena, strangle her and rip the happiness away from her as I had done with Serilda. But it wasn't just her fault. It was mine too. I had let myself played. I had let love blind me to the point where I had forgotten to differentiate between good and bad. No one was left hurting like I was. No one knew the agony of betrayal that I was burning in. I didn't want to endure this pain but I had to. I sobbed for the child I had lost unknowingly, for the monster I had become and the pain I had given to her.
I needed to suffer for my mistakes, burn in a pain greater than she had. I needed to hurt worse than she has because I deserved it. She might have retaliated but she had never hurt me to this intensity. She had never tried to get back at me. Never tried to kill me after how I had treated her and raped her. Any other woman would have killed me by now but she hadn't. She had lived with in the same house, under the same conditions even after I had ripped apart her soul. Everything inside of me burned in agony of what I had done. I hated my own self. My own soul, my own mind and my own soul.
There was no redemption for what I had done but Serilda deserved to be apologized to. After all I had done to her my sorry would be nothing compared to the sins, I had committed on her. My sorry can't reverse the clock, it can't take us back to the time where I had started hurting her. Everything has happened, she had suffered through my hands and all I could do was say sorry. Just a sorry that won't mean much to her but she needed to her it and see me like this.
On weak legs I walked to my room with hope that Serilda would hear me out. I wanted to laugh at myself to see how the positions have been reversed. There was a time when she had wanted to talk to me even begged but I didn't even give her a second of my time. Now I would be the one begging for her to hear me out.
As I stood in front of our door, I couldn't raise my hand to knock. A feeling of dredge fell over me. I didn't know how to even go inside and face her. She had only seen me nothing as a monster would she even believe in my apology or would she shun me down as I had done to her for last so many years. I leaned my head on the door and closed my eyes. I have never cried in my life but the thought of how I had treated her, and how I had lost everything brought tears into my eyes.
How could I have done all this? How could I have lost my everything within a moment? Why did I have to turn so blind in love? Why? I sobbed as I asked myself these questions. I couldn't knock on the door but I had to apologize to Serilda. I just opened the door with shaky hands and let myself in. My head bent down from the weight of guilt I carried with me.
I looked up hoping to see Serilda in front of me but I didn't saw her. With slow steps I walked around the suite hoping to find her and with each step I didn't find her my heart beat raised to the high levels. I couldn't find her and when I had searched the bathroom the last place, I could have found her, I felt scared. A deep feeling of fear sat inside of me. I was scared that she wouldn't have done something. Never had I cared about her well being but right in the moment it felt like it was her that mattered the most for me. I could feel the panic set inside of me. I didn't wait to see anything else I rushed out of the room and looked all around the resort. Every place I had known of I had looked into. With every passing second, I could feel the feeling of dread inside of me filling in.
What if Serena had done something to her? The thought made me halt from me running around. My heart beat with a force that it wanted to escape from the ribs. The rapid beating of my heart and the panic state I was in, deepened the fear inside of me. I cared for Serilda to a level that I hadn't cared even for Serena. I was running towards Serena's room before I could think anything else. I didn't care about stopping and taking a breath. I was knocking on her door brutally as I breathed heavily.
"Serilda!" I called out as I knocked on her door. The door opened up by Serena with her eyes wide at the sight of me.
"Where is she?" My words out fast with my heavy breaths.
"Who?" her voice came out pained.
"Where is Serilda?" the name of her brought pain and anger on her face and it disgusted me. I act before I thought. Holding her arms in a tight grip. "Goddamnit! What have you done to her? Tell me where have you hidden her?" I shook her wildly not thinking about the pain I was giving her. Now she was on the receiving end of my hatred as once Serilda was. She was getting what she had made her suffer.
"What have you done to Serilda?" I roared out tightening my grip over her arms that she cried out in pain.
"Erik stop!" Nathaniel butt in between us making me lose my grip on her. He pushed me back.
"Don't you dare hurt my wife," He snapped at me pushing Serena behind him.
"I don't fucking care about your wife. I just want to know where she has pushed my wife to?" I barked at him like a crazy man. A whimper left Serena's lips as I said the word my wife. I had never called Serilda my wife and it made me feel ashamed about how I had always called her names but not Serilda or my wife.
"How would she know where Serilda is?" Nathaniel questioned me.
"She isn't anywhere on the resort, not even in our room. She tried to kill her earlier and I swear to god if you had laid another hand on her Serena, I would strangle you right now and here!" I screamed pointing my fingers at her in boiling anger. Nathaniel pushed me back.
"She doesn't know where your wife would be, Erik. She has been with me every fucking moment or her mother. We have just got back from our wedding ceremony. She doesn't know where Serilda would be and I could damn vouch for that!" Nathaniel defending his wife fiercely which I had never done. I have always humiliated Serilda never tried to defend her. To what an extent had I wronged to her? I took a step back from them and heard Nathaniel breathe a sigh of relief.
"Have you looked everywhere?" he asked as I held my face in hand as new tears came into my eyes. I didn't know where I should look for her. I was scared to the point that I was crying. What if I had been too late? What if she had done something to herself?
How could I live with a guilt so big this? In that moment I prayed for something opposite to what I had always prayed for her. I prayed to God to keep her safe and alive. I prayed that she was alright. I prayed for her suffering to end. I prayed for her to be alright rather than for her death. I prayed to god to hear my plea. I couldn't lose her now. I couldn't.
"No," I replied as Nathaniel looked at me
"Then let's look for her together. Four eyes will find her sooner than two eyes," he told me as he walked out of the room. Serena stood at the door with her hands on the door.
"Don't open the door for anyone but me," he told her, before he closed the door.
"Let's go," he walked away leaving me standing there.
"Do you really want to find her or not?" he asked making me walk with him.'
"She's not in her room or at the beach," I told him as we walked towards the reception.
"And her things are they still there?" he asked.
"I haven't checked,"
"I think we should first look for her things," he turned and walked towards my room.
"How do you know where her and mine room is, Nathaniel?" I asked making him stop in his steps.
"That's not the concern right now but your wife is more important than this," came his short reply as he walked towards my room. Before I could say something, he was out of sight. I found him outside my room waiting for me to open the door.
Sliding in the card I opened the room with hopes she would be in the room and will put my worries to ease.
"Why don't you go look for her things while I wait here?" he asked as he stood outside the door.
"Don't have the guts to come in?" my words laced with venom slipped out. He chuckled at my words.
"You are right, I don't but it doesn't matter you know because," he stepped inside the room and we both were chest to chest, face to face.
"I hadn't been the one to rape her. Maybe you should ask yourself if you have the guts to be even be there in her presence," his words made me feel like if someone was ripping my heart.
"Fuck you, Nathaniel," I said shoving him away.
"You really think that you are anyway better than me. You could have stopped it all but you were a fucking pussy of man to stop that bitch from ruining her sister's life and mine too. You fucking allowed to have that bitch have an affair with me, to use me as a fucking toy," I yelled at his face.
"Don't you dare call her a bitch!" he said pushing me hard enough to make me lose my footing making me fall. "If you had fucking sense and a mind of your own then you wouldn't have let her use you like that but you are fucking dumbwit. So, this all is on fucking you! You believed in her lies, you did what she told you and you let yourself get fucking used,"
"She told me that Serilda had killed our child, Goddamn it!" I screamed out. "She gave me a lie that hit me straight in the heart. It made me fucking lose my mind and it's only now that I see what I have done I fucking realise what a monster I had been. I know damn well how I had destroyed her by letting Serena use me as a toy and I want to kill her for that!" I stood up walking towards him.
"She planned it! She knew it damn well that it would hit me straight in the heart and it did! She fucking planned it like she planned the demise of her sister through my hands!" I cried out in anger as Nathaniel stood in front of me speechless and nothing to say.
"I had been the one who told her to lie" the words slipped out of his lips in a low tone.
"What?" I asked in shock and disbelief.
"I had been the one who told her to give a lie to you," he said with his eyes closed.
He told her to lie. He had been the one who had told her to lie to me. He had been the one who had ruined mine and Serilda's life. It has been him who had destroyed Serilda and me. He had been the one who was the reason behind everything happened.
"You fucking bastard," my fist connected with his face so hard that my hand hurt. The punch had him fall on the floor.
"You ruined my life, you bastard. You had been the one who made me lose everything. It has all been because of you and your goddamn lie!" the anger inside me wanted to kill him. I wanted to hit him again and again but I knew it deep down that I was to be blamed for it too. I had been the one to believe that lie. I had been the dumb one. I fell down to my knees feeling nothing but devastated.
"I wish you would have never told of her of lie," I told him as I cried out.
"I wish for the same," he told with regret all over his face. "I never knew about how it could affect others and I wish I could have. I ruined lives Erik and I would be always be sorry for that. Serena is not right in her mind. She is ill and I should have done something but I couldn't. But now I can and I would do everything in my power to make sure she doesn't ruin anyone's life but mine. It's time for me to pay for my sins and I hope to God that I pay more than enough for it," he said with his face in it hand.
"I'm so sorry for what I had done. I'm sorry that my one advise had ruined everyone's life. I'm so sorry," he sobbed out.
"I'm so sorry, Erik. I will always be sorry for it," he heaved out but I couldn't even say anything to him. There was nothing left to be said. How could I when He was a broken man like me and he prayed for ruining himself. There was nothing that could hurt him more. There was nothing I could do to hurt him anymore.
A knock on the door made both of us look up at the door. It wasn't Serilda but the manager of the resort.
"Umm, I wanted to return this card. Your wife, Mrs. Reid, gave it to us to charge for all the damages that had been done to the room. She told us to give it back to you after charging everything," he told entering the room and taking out the card to hand me over.
"Where is she now?" I asked hoping as hell that he knew where she was.
"I think she left on a boat. It wasn't ours but a private boat so I can't tell where she went. I think it was to the mainland because she was talking something about airport," he gave me some information that at least put my worries at ease. I breathed out a sigh of relief.
"Would you please arrange a boat for me to go the airport as soon as possible?" I told him before getting up and walking to the room to pack my shit. Serilda was going home and I was going to follow her. I was going to beg her for forgiveness and everything. I was going to do everything in my power to make sure that she was happy.
"The next boat will leave tomorrow afternoon," his words made me halt in my steps.
"What?" I asked too hurriedly.
"We have stopped all of our boat services since this afternoon. Mrs. Reid asked for a boat but we had to tell her no because of the upcoming storm. I think her private boat was the last one to have left from here. It is expected to start again tomorrow afternoon because we are hoping the storm would have passed by then," he explained.
"Do you have any idea how much could happen until tomorrow afternoon? My wife is out there and I need to get to her at any cost as soon as possible. Get me a private boat or anything to make me reach back home at any cost," I told him.
"We can't get you anything until the storm passes sir. There won't' be any private boat who is going to take the risk of going to the mainland and as far as I know there won't be any flights leaving from the mainland too. Moreover, the connections are going to be down soon. I'm sorry we can't do anything to help you until tomorrow afternoon," he didn't stay a second more after explaining.
The next twenty-four hours had been the longest hours of my life. I waited and waited for the storm to pass and when it did, I rushed out of the resort without any goodbyes and anything. I took the first flight out of there. I flew commercial for the first time but after six hours when I reached back home there was nothing more that I could have asked for. I didn't stop thinking about Serilda even for a damn second. I thought and thought of what to say to her, how to beg her for forgiveness. I had thought of everything. I knew I was wrong, a monster but I had hope, hope that maybe one day everything would get better. With uncertain steps I walked to her room. I was scared of what to say to her. For the first time I feared about what she would think about me. The door to her room was wide open.
Taking a deep breath in I entered inside ready to apologize to her, beg her plead her and do everything to prove how I felt, how remorseful I was. I looked at the bed hoping to find her sitting there.
But the person whom I looked at wasn't her. It wasn't her but someone else I knew.
"Aaron," I called making him look up from the drink in his hand. He smiled at me before taking a sip of his drink.
"Home sweet home brother," he said with a smile that left me with the most uncomfortable feeling that I had ever felt.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Fingers crossed and hpoing for the best!
Love you all for everything and with my everything.