"So how was your thanksgiving?" I ask Ian over speaker phone during my drive to school.
"It was good, actually. A bunch of us didn't go home, so we all got together at my buddy's house. I missed you guys, though."
I'm taken aback by his admission. I haven't heard him say anything that nice about us in years. "Wow, Ian, you sound so grown up," I tease him.
"Yeah I know, right? Plus, I washed my bedsheets this week. That was a first for me. I felt very mature."
I laugh. "First of all, gross. You've been at school for four months."
I hear his familiar chuckle over the line, and it makes me happy. It's been too long. I missed him over the holiday.
And if I'm being honest, I missed Nick too. Being back home without those two was lonely, and too quiet.
As much as I know I should hate Nick, I can't. Time does heal some wounds. It was a relief this week that when I thought of him, it wasn't painful, for the first time since the blackout. It was the nice, fun, and passionate memories that came to mind. Maybe I'm ready for him to be in my life again.
"I probably still wouldn't have cleaned them if it weren't for Nick," Ian interrupts my thoughts.
"Oh?" Dammit, Ian. Don't ruin my new found acceptance towards him.
"Yeah, he fucked this chick on my bed that got glitter literally everywhere. I was so pissed." Great.
I take a shaky breath. I feel like I'm being torn apart all over again. I try to pull myself back together. "That sucks."
Ian doesn't seem to notice my sudden mood change. "Yeah I know. The dude was on a mission this week though. There was no stopping him."
I can't speak. Every word is digging deeper and deeper into my soul. Ian goes on. "I mean, you know that he's always gotten every girl he wanted, but I think he's turned into a straight-up nympho at college. He had a one-track mind all week."
The road starts to look foggy, and I realize I'm crying. "You know what, Ian, I gotta go. Traffic's bad."
"Okay, talk to you la--" I hang up.
I wipe my eyes and take a few deep breaths. That's enough. I will not allow myself to cry for him, ever again.
Why am I upset anyway? Nick and I are not together, plus I have a boyfriend. Who I just had sex with for the first time.
Okay, sure, it wasn't great, but practice makes perfect, right?
I bet Nick is perfect...
"Fuck!" I say out loud. I have to stop this. I have to stop thinking about him and comparing him to Evan. And even if I did compare them, shouldn't Evan be the winner? He has never hurt me, he's given me new experiences which have brought out a part of me that I didn't know existed, and he's fucking hot.
Yep. He's the winner. For sure. Definitely.
I arrive at the dorms an hour later. It should have only taken thirty minutes, but with my internal debate, I think I was driving slower than usual. I don't remember.
My room is empty when I get there. Kelly must not be back from break yet. I find myself disappointed by this for the first time. I didn't want to be alone.
I know Abby won't be back for a couple hours, so I text Evan, letting him know that I just got back. He's here twenty minutes later.
He busts through the door as soon as I open it, wrapping me in his arms. "I missed you," he says into my hair.
I hold him tightly around his neck. "I missed you too." I don't know if I mean it. The truth is, I was so busy trying to see all my friends who were in town for the week that I didn't really think about him very much—besides the drive home. But I am glad he's here now. I need him now, even if he doesn't know it.
He kisses me gently. I'd forgotten how soft his lips are. I pull him back to me, parting my mouth. He immediately responds by grabbing my backside and lifting me up. He makes me feel like I weigh nothing. He lays me on the bed. "I think we should try again."
I nod. "Definitely." Maybe it will take my mind off of hewhoshallnotbenamed.
We quickly undress, and I wait patiently for Evan to roll a condom on. He enters me slowly with a groan before resting his head next to mine. This time is better. The friction being created is good, really good, but it's not enough. He's not bringing me to explosion.
When he's done, he rolls off of me. He kisses my shoulder. "Was that better? Did you come?"
I look down at him and smile. "Yes," I lie.
"I can't believe I get you all to myself tonight," Abby says.
"Me neither. I know this sounds awful, but I'm actually glad Evan has a final tomorrow," I say, taking a drink from a wine cooler that Abby always keeps in stock in her room.
"Is this about the...you know?"
I sigh, "Not totally. But that's not getting better, either."
She spins her desk chair around to face me. "You know what? You and I are going to get to the bottom of this."
"Now?"
"Yes! You and I are going to be apart for a month in two days. When else are we going to be able to solve this mystery?"
"I already have solved it. Sex just isn't going to be good for me. Ever. I'll simply endure it the rest of my life, but I'll never really enjoy it."
She rolls her eyes. "No way. That's not happening on my watch. What have you all tried?"
I grab her arm for emphasis, "Abby, everything. I've tried every position I know about. Me on top, him behind, standing. Same result every time."
"What about foreplay? Has he gone down on you?"
I shake my head. "I've done it to him a little bit, but he hasn't."
Her eyes bug out. "Excuse me? Why not?"
I shrug and look away. "I'm just not into that," I lie.
"The only girls who say that are the ones who've never done it."
"I have."
"Well then, whoever did it, didn't do it right."
I don't tell her how wrong she is. I've stopped talking to her about Nick. Not because I think she would judge me, but because I am constantly judging myself about it. I grab a another drink from her mini fridge. "Do you want one?"
She nods, and I pass one to her.
"Bailey, don't take this the wrong way, but have you thought that maybe...guys just aren't your thing?"
The thought has crossed my mind. Based on what every one tells me, sex is supposed to be great, not adequate. And it's just...not for me. But then I think about Nick, and my body's response to him.
"I'm definitely into guys." At least one in particular.
"Okay." She thinks for a moment. "There must be something else holding you back, maybe something you don't even realize. You need to figure that out."
"Thanks for the advice, Dr. Phil."
"Anytime." She's grown accustomed to my sarcasm. She closes her computer and comes sit by me on the bed. "So what are your plans for Christmas break?"
I shrug. "Going home, seeing my family. Oh! My cousin, Mandy, is coming home. I haven't seen her since July, and I've barely been able to speak to her. Her phone doesn't work well in Europe."
"I wish I could meet her. She seems so fucking badass. Who just moves to Europe for six months with her boyfriend? I want to be her when I grow up."
"Me too. She's amazing. As much as I am happy for her, though, I wish she was coming home to stay, instead of just a couple weeks." I notice that I've already gone through another drink. "Do you mind if I have another one?"
"Sure. I'll find Derek and have him buy me some more tomorrow." Derek's fake ID has become invaluable this semester to Abby. I haven't needed to ask him to buy me alcohol yet since Evan is twenty-one.
We continue to drink while Abby talks about her upcoming break. She's a little nervous about going back home. Over Thanksgiving break, she ran into her ex from high school, and they hooked up. She says it was a mistake, but she doesn't trust herself around him when she's drunk. I can relate.
I'm not sure what Nick is doing over break. He may be staying at my house. In fact, he probably is. I don't know where else he would go. I doubt he's invited to his mom's house. The thought makes me sad, and guilty for not wanting him to stay with us.
"I have to go pee," Abby declares after her third drink. She stands up without waiting for a response and walks down the hall to the communal bathroom. I'm on drink number four, and suddenly remember that wine coolers tend to have more alcohol than other drinks. I'm slightly dizzy as I see her walk away.
I open my phone and look through Instagram. The first thing I see is a Game of Thrones meme about winter coming that makes me laugh. I should send this to Nick. He would get the reference.
I copy it into my text messages, but right before I hit the Send button, I pause. Is this really a good idea? Yes, my drunken head tells me, he asked you about the Adam Sandler movies, you are friends now. Does it really matter that he supposedly has been fucking everything that moves? Of course not!
Wine coolers make me very agreeable. I hit Send.
Abby returns at that moment and lies down next to me. "I'm drunk."
I show her my fourth, empty bottle. "Me too."
We're both quiet for a minute before I speak. "What time are you leaving Saturday?"
"Not sure. Whenever I feel like it, I guess. You?"
"Evan has to meet with a professor and go to the gym, of course, but we'll leave once he's done."
She sits up straight. "Wait. Evan is coming home with you?!? I didn't know this!"
"It's really not that big of a deal. My parents and my grandma want to meet him. He's going to drive me home since it's on the way for him, have dinner at my grandma's, and leave. Then he'll pick me up on our way back here next month."
"That is most definitely a big deal! Wait. What about you-know-who? Will he be there?"
"That's why I wanted the dinner at my grandma's. It will just be the five of us. Well, maybe Ian will be there, I'm not sure."
I get a text message alert and look down. It's Nick. He's sent me a GIF of a wight walker trudging through the snow. Since when does Nick know what a GIF is?
When I smile at the phone, Abby notices. "Is that Evan? What beyond sweet, romantic thing did he say now?"
I don't look up at her as I scroll through my phone, looking for a response. "It's not Evan."
That sparks her interest. She sits up and looks over my shoulder. "Nick?!? You're text flirting with Nick?"
I roll my eyes. "I'm not flirting."
She takes the phone from me. "Listen. It may not seem like you're flirting to you, because you're drunk." She hands me my phone back. "But you are, I just want that to be clear."
I laugh. "Okay. Noted."
She groans. "What am I going to do with you, girl?"
I don't answer, I just keep looking for something to say to Nick.
Whew *wipes sweat from forehead* that was Bailey's first semester of college. Now who wants to see what Nick's been up to? I know I do! I've been biding my time, but I can't wait to write it...or maybe I can. I'm afraid there's going to be some parts that we might not like all that much.