"But no," I say.
"But yes!" Neymar exclaims. "Can we stop talking about this already? I'm getting a bit fed up."
"I'm sorry," I mumble.
It's been a constant back and forth for the past couple of minutes. I'm still trying to wrap my head around what Neymar said the other day, about James having feelings for me.
I still say no. I haven't spoken to him since the day of the match and it's been eating at me. I need confirmation, but the way we left things and everything he's been going through tells me to stay away till things clear up.
And so does Marcelo.
"I don't get it!" I exclaim.
I was sat across from Marcelo in the booth at a dimly lit bar and restaurant he frequently visits when he comes to Barcelona.
I left a quiet and upset Neymar at home after trying to get to the bottom of this.
Did James ever say something to Marcelo?
"What don't you get?" Marcelo mocks me.
"The idea of James..." I stop myself.
"Look," Marcelo says before taking another bite of his burger. "Kat, I love you but you're being dumb."
"Alright fine," I start. "Let's say James had feelings for me, why not tell me instead of-"
"Because you're with Neymar and everything is going swell and picture perfect for you two. You're in love, what kind of a man would he be to poke a hole in all that with one sentence?"
I shut my mouth at Marcelo's response. I lean back in my seat and cross my arms.
"So you agree? He has feelings for me?" I question him.
"I've had my suspicions," Marcelo begins to nod. "I've spoken to him and he feels terrible but can't find a way to talk to you."
"He already apologized to Neymar," I sit up.
"Good, that's the right thing to do."
"I need to talk to him," I say.
"No you don't, Kat. You really don't, wait till he calls you and let everything go back to normal. Don't ask him-"
"I need to know!" I let out.
"I think it's best if you leave this whole mishap and never come back to it again."
I let out a grunt, but comply.
I'm curious to see if it all ended up with him having feelings for me as I oh so desperately denied my feelings for him. He was married and now I'm the one in the relationship.
When I arrive back home I join Neymar in the living room and we watch some dumb horror movie together, but I can feel the tension.
"I'm sorry I keep asking about James," I say as the credits begin to roll.
"I understand the curiosity, love," he says. "Don't worry about it."
"I love you," I say before leaving a kiss on his lips.
"I love you," he says.
When we go to bed I grab my phone and begin to scroll down the contacts.
I've received several emails from Rona back at Cosmopolitan and have been ignoring them. I stop at James' name and let my finger linger there for a moment.
When Neymar steps back into the room I jump a little and go back to my home screen.
"What was that?" He asks, getting into bed.
"I don't think I want to work for Barcelona anymore," I admit.
"What?" Neymar asks, sitting up. "Is this about the friendly match? That has nothing to do-"
"No," I lie. "I don't want to work in the sports, football, field anymore."
Neymar rubs his face with both hands and sits up even straighter.
"Do you want to talk about it?" He asks.
"There's nothing much to say," I sit up along with him. "I've been getting more offers at Cosmo."
"What about the pay?"
"It's less of course, but I don't care. I just want to be happy," I explain.
"Since when aren't you happy?"
"It's not that I'm extremely depressed or anything-"
"Since when aren't you happy?" He interrupts, repeating his previous question.
"I just think I'll be happier working at Cosmo-"
"In Madrid," he states. "Away from me."
"You have to admit this living situation has been... strange from the beginning," I tell him. "Does this really concern you though? My career?"
"I mean, you moving concerns me," he says. "And your happiness."
"Look," I grab his hand. "I am happy here with you, at Barça, but I think I'll be happier writing at Cosmo."
"What happened though? The friendly?"
"Oh, stop," I grunt and let go of him. "This isn't about you."
"No, this is about James."
I begin to laugh as I look him in the eyes. I throw the covers aside and get up from bed.
"Are you that insecure about yourself?" I raise my voice.
"This isn't about me," he states calmly. "This is about you and him. How you were in love with him at first and now how everything's flipped and he's in love with you."
I scoff.
That's all I can do. A wave of despair runs through me at the sound of his words. Could that last part be true? I'm not gonna go out and agree about James' feelings towards me, but it's time to let the love I once had for him sink in. The love Neymar replaced.
Neymar just keeps looking at me as I try so hard to ignore that sting in my nose as the tears arise.
"That's not true," I say.
"You used me, I get it-"
"Don't you dare say that!" I yell.
Silence filling the room.
"Be that as it may, Neymar, I fell for you and James is out of any sort of question you can think up. You might think you served as a distraction but in the end I had real feelings for you. I still do."
"I love you, Kat, I really do," Neymar states. "We may have fallen in love, but those feelings you had for him are lingering still. I can see it in your eyes."
"But that's not what I want!" I yell.
The tears were streaming down my cheeks at this point and I kept having to pull back my hair for it to not stick on my face.
"I don't want this, Neymar," I gasp for air. "I want it to be just you and me. No one taking the love I have for you away-"
"The only person getting in the way of that is you."
I stand there wiping the tears off my face knowing he's right. He comes over and gives me a distant feeling hug. How I've hurt him. It's all on me now.
-
Take My Place - Lily Allen