f e l i x
[A/N: please excuse the constant updates.]
i didn't want to be here.
the house was dimly lit, almost completely dark if it weren't for the blue and pink lights illuminating the room. people crowded the area, barely any space for you to walk. some people were sitting on the couches, some singing, or rather screaming, karaoke, and others were in the backyard dancing. it was below 32° outside, so i didn't really understand why a lot of people where outside freezing their asses off. well, i really didn't understand anybody at this party.
unlike all movies and books said, i saw no one making out on the couches, or kissing. but i did see many people getting drunk, but that was expected of a party. that wasn't really my forte though. i'm not one for underage drinking. i had no interest in picking up a drink any time soon.
but my friends, chan, minho and jisung, obviously had different opinions from me. we were all standing in the kitchen, trying to escape the loud sounds of everyone screaming, but it wasn't much of a help. i had been listening to my friends, who all were extremely tipsy, rant about nonsense stuff for the past 2 hours. the only reason i was sticking with them was because i had no one else to talk to, and i didn't feel like trying to socialize with strangers.
chan slung his arm around me, somehow throwing all his body weight onto me, and pointed straight in my face, "hey, you know? i...i really appreciate you, felix. you, you're so cool and i love how i canalwayscountonyou... i love you so much, bro. likeireallyreallyreallyloveyou!!" he slurred, running all his words into one big one. i struggled to understand what he said.
i looked at him with disgust, and ignored him. i had been trying to ignore them for the past few hours but it's kind of hard when they remind you how much they love you and appreciate you every second. i was trying to silently judge everyone at this party in peace, but they were making it greatly difficult for me when they interrupted my train of thought constantly.
i scanned my eyes through the crowd, looking for seungmin, who left right when we got there, saying that he was going off to meet with somebody. maybe he was done meeting with that person, so i could hang out with him. anyone would be better than chan, minho, and jisung. we had called changbin asking if he wanted to come with us, but when he answered the phone, he said that he was busy, and hang up the phone quickly. i had to admit, i felt a little disappointed that he wasn't here. lately, me and changbin had been getting closer and hanging out a lot with each other. but there would be weird moments when he would just be stand-offish towards me. it made me more confused than i already was.
i don't even know how everyone convinced me to come to this party. i wasn't the one for parties. or rather i was never invited to them. but this year i told myself that i would leave the house more, and socialize more. but here i was, wishing i was home and watching some youtube in the comfort of my own bed with no people around.
"HEY!" minho's voice snapped me out of my train of thought once again. "DID YOU HEAR MY FRIEND CHAN?? HE SAID THAT HE LOVED YOU!!" even though he was practically screaming at the top of his lungs, it was drowned out by the sound of music and talking in the background.
i finally replied, hoping that it would shut them up. "yeah! yeah, i heard him! i love him too, okay?! i love all of you!" i shouted, praying that they would leave me alone now.
all of the sudden, minho started ugly crying. tears ran down his cheeks, as he exclaimed to chan and jisung, "DID YOU HEAR THAT GUYS?? FELIX SAID THAT HE LOVED US!!"
then they all started to get really emotional and started hugging each other, talking about how happy i was that i loved them.
"oh my gosh, this boy..." i whispered under my breath, shaking my head and face palming myself. i felt like a disappointed mother.
at one point, they tried pulling me into their hug, and i dashed. i ducked and walked away from them, leaving the kitchen and entering the packed main room.
i could just feel the heat radiating off everyone's sweaty bodies. i coughed dramatically, holding my nose momentarily from the smell of B.O. coming from the people. i guess this was the time to socialize with people, i thought. then i thought twice about it and decided, nope, i'd rather be antisocial.
i exited the crowded room, walking through the dark hallways, trying to find seungmin so i could have someone to talk too. i walked through the hallway, looking through every door on the way, but no seungmin was spotted. it felt like i was walking forever. how big is this damn house? i thought to myself. is this hallway ever gonna end? i reached the last three doors and opened the first one.
i was met with the sight of seungmin and hyunjin. they were sitting on the bed together, talking and laughing with each other. i stood there for a minute, feeling awkward just standing in the doorway. they didn't notice me yet. i didn't know what to say, i was a little speechless. i didn't know that hyunjin and seungmin were close to eachother. was hyunjin the one seungmin wanted to meet up with?
i coughed, trying to get their attention. they stopped talking, and looked up at me. they were a little shocked for a minute, then seungmin smiled, got off the bed and walked over to me.
"felix!", he exclaimed, grabbing my arm, "how did you find us? what's up?" he asked, pulling my over to the bed and making me sit down.
i looked cautiously over at hyunjin as i sat down, nodding slightly at him. i still felt awkward with him. it was the first time i had seen him since his suicide attempt. i was still trying to not beat myself thinking i was the reason for him to do it. i felt ashamed to be in front of him. he probably hated me. he nodded back at me, a faint smile on his lips.
"uh... i was just looking through all the rooms and you just happen to be here. i was trying to find you because i was having to listen to drunk minho, jisung, and chan talk about their undying love towards me. it was extremely painful. i can't believe you left me with them." i complained to seungmin, scoffing.
a cute smile appeared on his face as he looked from me over to hyunjin. "yeah, sorry about that... hyunjin called me and asked if we could talk..." he said softly, acting shy.
i nodded, and looked hesitantly over to hyunjin, who was looking nervously at seungmin. "oh... i didn't know you two were close."
he laughed, flustered, waving his hands. "no, no! we just became friends recently."
"oh, cool..." i said, drifting off.
i felt extremely awkward. maybe i should've stayed in the kitchen with the others. at least it wasn't awkward with them. i suddenly was wishing for a drink or two. then maybe i could let loose a little bit, but i was completely tense.
it stayed silent for a minute, just the three of us looking between each other. then seungmin realized that it was probably weird between me and hyunjin.
"ah, i should let you all talk by yourselves!," he exclaims, smiling and standing up to exit the room, "um, if you need me, i'll be out here." he said, pointing out the door.
"bye!" and with that he leaves the room.
leaving just hyunjin and i in the room. a heavy silence settled over us. i shifted uncomfortably, not knowing what to say. our eyes darted aimlessly all over the place, anywhere but at each other. i was hoping that somehow minho, chan or jisung would come into the room and whisk me away so i wouldn't have to deal with this encounter.
of course, out of all the people seungmin could've been talking to, it was hyunjin.
he cleared his throat, looking up at me. "long time, no see, right?"
my head snapped up at the sound of this voice.
i smiled uneasily, "oh, uh, yeah..."
another moment of no one saying anything passed.
i spoke up this time, "so...how have you been?" i asked, and did a mental face-palm in my mind. of course he isn't doing well, felix. he tried to commit suicide. me and my dumb self...
he could sense that i was tense, so he laughed it off. "i'm doing better...," he stated, "thanks for asking."
"oh, that's good." i said, truthfully.
i was glad that he was feeling better. and it really did seem like he was actually doing well. his smile seemed more genuine and real then before.
another moment of silence passes.
taking a deep breath, i start to say, "hyunjin, i'm sor-".
he cuts me off, putting his hand up to in front of him to stop me. he closes his eyes for a second and laughs. "felix, don't say it. i'm tired of hearing sorry. don't be sorry for something you didn't even do. you aren't the reason i decided to do what i did. the reason was much bigger..."
i'm taken back, surprised. "what? you're not mad at me?" i ask, my eyes wide.
he smiles. "no, felix. i'm feeling way better so please, let's not bring it up anymore. it will only make me feel bad again."
"besides, i'm tired of saying sorry to each other. let's just make up. i don't blame you for anything, so don't blame yourself for anything wrongly." he states, staring at me sincerely.
"really?," i ask, astonished by what he's saying, "are you sure?"
he laughs again, a sound that i had rarely seen from him in the past months of our relationship. "yes! so let's just let it go." he exclaims to me.
i was still a bit unsure. i still felt uneasy but he seemed happy, so i just agreed with him. "okay," i say, smiling up at him.
"friends?" he asks.
"friends." i respond.
silence passes again. this time it isn't awkward though, just... comfortable. for a moment, it feels like the old days when we were good friends and could talk to each other about anything. even though i knew that it wouldn't be the same anymore, at least we were friends once again.
he bits his lip, grinning at the bed. "so... do you like anyone right now?"
he throws me off with his question. i look at him weirdly, wondering why he's asking me this all the sudden.
he notices my discomfort, and laughs, "oh, it was just that now we're friends, we can talk about stuff like crushes, right?" he asks cautiously.
i smile hesitantly, "um, yeah! and nope, i don't like anyone..." i say, partly lying. i'm confused right now, my feelings and emotions all over the place.
he nods, smirking. "i think i know someone who likes you..."
i snap my head up, all my attention on him. how could he possible know who likes me? and who would like someone like me anyways? "who?" i ask, curiosity getting the best of me.
"isn't it obvious?" he asks, laughing at me like i'm dumb.
"uh, no... i don't know. i don't know how to tell if someone likes me." i say, feeling stupid.
hyunjin chuckles, covering his mouth. "oh my god, you really don't know?," i shake my head, "changbin totally likes you!"
changbin liking me? i couldn't believe anyone liking me, much less changbin. i had known him since we were kids and he had never shown any signs that he likes me. changbin is way out of my league too, he would never imagine dating me.
"what? changbin doesn't like me! besides, he has a girlfriend. what makes you think that?" i ask, getting defensive.
hyunjin shakes him head, and puts him face in my hands. "felix, why else would he try to beat me up? he was talking all this shit about how bad of a boyfriend i was too you, and how you deserve to be treated right," i think back, remembering the fight between hyunjin and changbin. "i don't know about you, but that sounds pretty gay to me."
i try to process what he's saying. sure, changbin tried to beat hyunjin up because of me but that could be something a friend did for another friend, right? hyunjin was just trying to make it into something it wasn't. there's nothing wrong with a friend wanted to stand up for his other friend, nothing gay about it at all.
"whatever, hyunjin. and i told you he has a girlfriend. he's not gay..." i scoffed at him, annoyed.
he scoffed back at me. "have you ever heard of being a closeted gay? he could just be dating a girl to cover up his sexuality. you know, it's not a rare thing for people to do." he stated, laughing at my stupidness one again.
"changbin isn't that type of person! he wouldn't hurt an innocent girl just because he's scared of his true feelings..." i said, drifting off. but as i said it out loud, i started to doubt myself.
aera and changbin are a pretty weird match. i never see them hang out that much. and changbin never talks about aera at all. when they got together, it was so sudden, no one expected it. nobody even know how they met. they even looked odd next to each other. changbin was a small 167cm boy and aera was very tall 174cm girl.
"whatever, just keep telling yourself that, lix. how bout you owe me 5 dollars if he confesses to you?" he asks all of sudden, smirking.
i look at him like he's lost his mind, cause he surely has. "what?? hell no, i ain't givin' you nothing. we just became friends and you're already tryin to bum money off of me?"
he laughs, playfully slapping my shoulder. "hey! i was just kidding..." he says, but something tells me that he really wasn't.
"yeah, sure."
seungmin enters the room again, just on time, before it can get awkward again.
he smiles between us, sitting down on the bed. "sooo? did you all make up?" he asks, anticipating the answer.
hyunjin nods. "yep. we're all good now."
hyunjin and seungmin start talking to some another, and all the sudden, i feel left out. i'm clearly not apart of their conversation. they keep smiling and laughing with each other. i start to feel a twinge of jealousy. they seem so comfortable and friendly with one another. i wish that i could have a relationship like that...
i sigh, and get up from the bed, and exit the room. seungmin and hyunjin don't even notice. they are too busy stuck up in their own world.
i wonder the hallways again, taking my time walking back to the main room.
my mind feels even more confused than it already was. no matter how much i didn't want to think about him, changbin always appeared in my mind. every time i see him, i get nervous and something twists inside my stomach. i don't know what this is. my head starts to hurt from thinking way too hard.
i brush it off, shaking my head. and try to block the thought of changbin out of my mind.
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COUNT ON ME - BRUNO MARS
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i have the ending for this book planned out and i think you all will hate me get ready to cry