Author's note:
Aaaaaaaaaggghhhh!!!! I have to scream!!! I flipping lost everything! The entire chapter! I put my heart and soul making it so emo (l may be exaggerating) and then it mysteriously disappears right when l wanna update!!!!!
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaagh (this is a silent scream)
Oh my goodness l don't think l have it in me to rewrite everything
But do l have a choice?! (Face palms)
I had such a terrible writer's block then when l finally write l lose everything!!!!!!
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaggggghhhh!!!!!!!
Okay I'm done flipping.
Here's your chapter.
😘
NTANDO's POV
It was as though silent battle lines had been drawn. Aunt Sara was the Commander in Chief of the Its-Ntando's-fault front and l was the only one fighting for my team, it's-mama's-fault front.
It appeared as though my family had chosen sides and were all agreeing with Aunt Sara, save for Uncle Roy who was stuck in no mans land, in between the 2 fronts raging war against each other.
My brothers, Ishmael and Ngqabutho would call checking up on mama and talk to everyone but me.
The whole situation was eating me up inside, l felt l needed someone to talk to. Someone, wise and understanding with potential of giving me solid advice and quieting the turmoil in my heart and mind.
I did consider sharing with my closest friends, but l did not think they would have plausible solutions. I did consider telling Gilbert, but thought against it and decided l would tell him in person when he came to Bulawayo.
By the time it was mid week l thought l was going to burst out with locked up emotion, and so l did the next best thing and l called Pastor Ann, one of our mentors who was giving Gilbert and l pre-marriage counseling.
Did l have a plan in my head? Did l know what exactly l wanted to tell Pastor Ann?
I had no clue whatsoever.
Too late, the phone rang 3 times and Pastor Ann answered, "hie Ntando!"I could already sense the smile from her cheerful voice.
"Hie Pastor are you free to talk?"
"Yeah sure, right now l have about 15 mins free before the kids knock off and l have to collect them from school, is that enough?"
"Yes it is"
There was a brief silence and Pastor Ann's tone changed, she sounded worried, "is everything okay? How are you? How is Gilbert? How is your family?"
"We are all fine pastor, only mum is in hospital she had a heart attack"
"Ohhh I'm so sorry Ntando!" Pastor Ann cried, "l am standing with you in prayer, she will be fine, is there any way l can help?"
"Thanks Pastor, don't worry about it" l was starting to feel flustered, mama was not the reason why l was calling, "Pastor is it okay to get married without a blessing from ones parents?"
Pastor Ann was a very straightforward lady, she never minced her words, "No Ntando, it's not okay, what makes you ask?"
At her response l felt my throat choke up, a sudden urge to cry took over me but l fought back the tears, "what if the parents are just being used by the devil to block one from finding true love and happiness Pastor?"
Pastor Ann sighed thoughtfully before she responded, "okay, before we get into that, l want to remind you of a scripture that says 'honor your father and mother so that things may go well for you and you enjoy a long life, that's Ephesians 6:3"
"So if l don't honor them things will go bad for me and l will have a bad short life?" I asked sulking.
Pastor Ann chuckled, "Ntando marriage is a complex affair that should not be taken lightly, and your parents approval is important. Right now you and Gilbert may be in love, but things can change later on and you face some difficulties in marriage, if that happens, you will need your parents for their advice, comfort and support, but if you got married in bad terms with them, whom shall you turn to?"
"I hear you Pastor, l wish it were so simple,"
"What's going on Ntando, tell me everything" Pastor Ann coaxed.
"Okay Pastor, l will call again when there is more time to talk, now it's visiting hour and l also have to go and check on my mum"
"Okay Ntando, l pray she recovers speedily, and whenever you wanna talk lm just a call away you know that."
"Thanks Pastor Ann"
"And Ntando," Pastor Ann sounded thoughtful, "l know l don't know the full story of what's happening in your life, but l just wanna say, sometimes we feel like taking matters into our own hands, and we forget that there is a God, our creator, who would love it if we gave Him the reigns and He controlled our lives instead.
Pray Ntando, trust God to take care of you and to fix things for you, don't fight your battles with your own strength because you are most likely to fail. Let God fight for you."
When Pastor Ann said those words my tears trickled on their own accord and l let them flow, l said thank you and l hung up.
My heart and mind were tired, of late l struggled with to pray, or even to read my bible.
I sighed and got up, from the hospital park bench l had been seated on and made my way to mama's ward.
Inwardly l made a silent prayer, Lord help me to outlast this season without losing my sanity.
***
The weekend came and my mood improved, l had something to look forward to, Gilbert was coming to see me.
Mama was still in the hospital but she was recovering well, the doctors said they would monitor her for a couple more days and then release her. Ishmael and Ngqabutho were also coming to see mama when she was discharged and l was glad, maybe finally we could talk this situation over and return to our normal lives.
Right now l was on my way to the city center to see my boyfriend and l was beyond elated. I had last seen him on graduation day. I found were he was parked and when he saw me he quickly got out of the car, l ran to him, he grabbed me with his arms and spun us around a couple of times.
We both laughed.
He made me so so happy.
"Hie Thandolwami" l smiled.
Gilbert placed a quick kiss on my lips, "hie Thandolwami, l'm so happy to see you" he said as he took my hand and opened the car for me.
I looked at him, "driver's seat?"
"Yeah I'm exhausted, you drive, plus you know the city far better than l do" he said.
I giggled going in, "okay, but don't be telling me l nearly killed you at every turn"
He laughed and got in the car too, immediately buckling up his seat belt. "Safety first" he winked at me.
I stuck my tongue out at him teasingly.
"Don't do that"
"Why" l continued sticking out my tongue at him.
He unbuckled his seat belt and kissed me again.
I was a little surprised but quickly responded, "What was that for" l asked when he broke the kiss.
"I did warn you" he said looking at me like he was about to kiss me again.
I quickly withdrew my face and laughed, "l missed you too Thandolwami"
I started the engine and began to reverse out of the parking lot,
"Where are you taking us?"
"To buy some food and then to a chill spot to spend our day" l responded.
The day sped by, in the morning we bought our food and then we went to a place outside the city, with very few people, a sailing club that was literally in the middle of nowhere and had our food while we canoed.
I was very careful to not say anything about my family, but we talked about everything else, filled each other up on our lives, plans, took hundreds of pictures and really had a great time catching up and bonding.
Around mid afternoon we got off the canoe and found a quiet picnic spot among some rocks and grass and we lay there on our backs, our faces looking up watching the sky.
We didn't need to say anything. The moment was perfect, as we relished nature in companionable silence.
After a while l felt Gilbert's eyes staring at me.
"Honey"
"Yes Thandolwam"
"Why are you staring at me"
"I'm wondering what you are thinking"
I turned my face to look at him and l smiled, he was really studying me, l raised my hand to cover his face and he kissed my palm then removed it from his face so he could look at me again.
"I'm thinking about how happy you make me" l said.
"Really?" He asked, "do l make you happy."
Goodness, was Gilbert doubting himself? "Yes you do love" l reassured him.
"Is there anything you want to tell me" he asked.
My heart skipped a beat, a thousand thoughts crossed my mind, why was he asking, what did he know, l hadn't told anyone, so who could have told him?
"Ntando?"
I snapped off my thoughts and watched him sit up, "there's nothing to tell" l lied, "why are you getting up? Where are you going?" I asked.
"Nowhere, I'm just sitting up," he responded and l followed suit and sat up, "but l feel like you are hiding something from me," he continued, "this whole week you have been distant, l asked what's going on and you said nothing, and l told myself I'll ask you when l see you. Ntando what is it? I don't wanna loose you"
As Gilbert was speaking l could see the worry and care in his eyes and facial expression. I thought to myself 'Lord l love this man'.
I couldn't hide all that was going on from him forever, so l told him, l opened up and l told him everything that had happened after graduation, the Mokoenas, Thuso,
my birthday, the fight with my parents, mum collapsing and living estranged from my family.
Gilbert listened silently without interrupting. When l was done talking he was still silent.
"Love? Say something?" I said touching his face.
He looked at me with so much pain in his eyes. He appeared hurt. My heart ached too.
"It feels like you have been living a completely different life from the one l know of and you hid it so well from me. Why didn't you tell me all this when it happened?"
"I didn't know how to" l responded.
"You didn't know how to?" Gilbert laughed humorlessly, "Ntando we chat everyday, we do video calls, phone calls, not even once did you think to tell me all this"
"I thought l would tell you when you came and l saw you in person" l mumbled.
"And when was that going to be?" He questioned, "because until your birthday you didn't know l was coming to see you. Exactly when were you planning on telling me you are getting married to another man?"
I gasped, had this guy heard anything l had said to him? "I'm not getting married to him Rufaro, that's why my family and l aren't talking, that's why my mother is lying on the hospital bed, because l chose you over the person they want to marry me off to"
I started crying.
Gilbert came over and wrapped his arm around me, "hush baby, l didn't mean to make you cry, I'm sorry"
"I'm sorry too that l didn't tell you sooner, but it was hard on me too you know, there have been days l thought l was going to lose my mind Rufaro, it's been so so hard" l said between sobs.
"Yeah and I'm sorry about your mum" l nodded into his chest, as l made it wet with my tears while l sucked in his musky scented cologne, "how is she now?"
"She is getting better"
"In future please don't hide such big things away from me" he continued, "we are now in a long distance relationship, transparency and communication are key to our survival."
"Let's elope Rufaro"
"What?"
"Let's elope and start our lives somewhere in a different country without all these hurdles and family drama."
"Ntando look at me"
Gilbert cupped my face in his hands, "we are not eloping, we are going to do things the right way okay"
Somehow when he said that, something in my heart said no it's not going to be okay, but l didn't say it aloud. Outwardly l just nodded, hid my face his chest and cried some more, he held me the entire time.
It felt so good to be held in the arms of the man l loved and who loved me too.
We remained in that position until l was done crying and then we took a stroll, sight seeing the place before we went back into the city.
Gilbert was going back to Harare the next day, he was spending the night at a B & B and l would see him tomorrow morning before he left.
When we got to the city center he got a gift out of the boot and he gave it to me, l opened it, it was a dress and a pair of shoes.
His choice and taste was impeccable, l gave him a hug, kissed him and said thank you, but l was slightly disappointed, l had expected an engagement ring. At least something to hold on to that we were in this fight together.
Oh well.
At least l still had the promise ring to hold on to. That was good enough.
When l said goodbye see you tomorrow a tight notch formed in my stomach. Something in his facial expression told me a storm was coming up. And l wasn't sure if l had any more strength to left in me to fight it.
I knew l was wrong for keeping all the stuff away from him, and that l had hurt him and gambled with his trust. But surely he knew l loved him. My own mother was on the hospital bed because l chose him over everyone else.
Surely he realized all this.