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I pulled my bottom lip in between my teeth and could still taste Lucas' lips very subtly on mine. I couldn't imagine myself ever forgetting the taste or how it felt to kiss him...
Lucas was in the kitchen attempting to make dinner. Key word, attempting. His mom had called to let him know she wouldn't be home until really late, she was doing everything she could to get the restraining order against Lucas' dad filed as soon as possible.
I had offered to help Lucas but he turned me down on the grounds of 'appropriate hospitality', he probably didn't even know what those words meant but I played along anyway.
"So what are you making?" I called to him from where I sat perched on the arm rest of his couch.
"It's...a surprise" he answered slowly.
"Will it be a surprise to just me or both of us?" I teased picking my phone up off the coffee table.
"That's a surprise too" he said only just loud enough for me to hear. I smiled to myself as I went through my messages. I had one from Ryan who had been very consistent in texting me for the past couple of days. After what happened with Lucas and I, I began to wonder if I should do something about Ryan's crush or just let it die down on its own.
Ryan: I've got an awkward question
I didn't want to hear it, honestly. A lot of what he said was 'awkward' and he didn't realize, I didn't want to think about how bad it would be if even he was aware that it was awkward.
I chose to put my phone down and leave that problem for another time.
By the sounds of it, Lucas was chopping something up, I felt morally obliged to go make sure that his fingers wouldn't be added to the mix.
He had his back to me but I could see from the side of his face that he was frowning deeply while concentrating on cutting a tomato.
I couldn't help smiling at how adorable he looked. There was a saucepan on the stove with water bubbling out under the lid, so I couldn't remain conspicuous for as long as I would've liked, I needed to save Ms Dimsley's kitchen.
I walked in and took the lid off. Lucas looked surprised to see me, but somehow, not annoyed like I would've expected.
"Boiling water and tomato's" I mused looking around the kitchen. There was a frying pan and a packet of beef mince next to the stove which I assumed Lucas would be frying with the tomatoes, the dead give away was the half open packet of spaghetti sitting next to it though. "Ah, you're making spaghetti bolognese" I guessed turning the temperature down on the stove.
"How'd you know?" He frowned glancing at me for a brief moment. "Beef mince, spaghetti, tomatoes. It's kind of obvious" I smiled, "although, I don't know where the taco shells fit in" I picked up the yellow box of hard taco shells sitting next to the microwave.
"Didn't you watch Icarly as a kid?" Lucas smiled. "Really?" I laughed, "that's what you're trying? Spaghetti tacos?"
"Don't say it like that. Have you ever tried them?" Lucas asked taking the box from me.
"No, I can't say I have" I admitted with a laugh.
"Well there's a saying, Blakely, don't knock it till you've tried it" Lucas said pointedly.
I laughed and raised my hands up in mock surrender then jumped up onto the bench.
"You know...you should probably put the spaghetti in the water now" I suggested staring at the bubbly water.
"Hey, if you're gonna be in here then you need to be quiet and let me do my thing" but he went ahead and put a handful of the spaghetti into the hot water anyway.
It was fun watching Lucas cook, he did things in the kitchen that I'd never seen anyone even attempt. He had unique strategies for avoiding the crappy parts of cooking, like cutting onions and spitting hot oil. Some of which were questionable while others were actually kind of smart.
"Okay" Lucas sighed after closing the pot filled with spaghetti. He had tried to pour the water out thinking the spaghetti was ready but I had to intervene, it was visibly still firm and I wasn't a fan and of al dente, "now we wait".
I was still sitting on the bench right next to the toaster. Lucas walked towards me and stood in front of me, placing his hands on the bench on either side of me.
He was the exact same height as me when I was sitting up on the bench so his face was directly in line with mine.
"What do you want to do while we wait?" The suggestive tone in his voice and his crooked smile made my heart thud a little faster, I pulled in a sharp breath and shuffled further back onto the bench, I still wasn't used to this, not in the slightest.
As Lucas' face got closer to mine my mind began working at a thousand miles per second. Exactly 3 very important points popped up in my head: one, Lucas and I hadn't talked about what exactly it was that was going on between us, two, Lucas had kissed Emma to spite me less than a month ago and it still hurt and three, I was afraid if I kissed Lucas again I wouldn't be able to stop this time.
His lips were less than an inch from mine which was barely enough space for me to turn my head and avoid his lips completely touching mine. His mouth did brush lightly on the side of mine for a split second, but the moment he processed that I didn't want to kiss him he leant back away from me and moved his hands from either side of me.
"I'm sorry, Lucas" I sighed keeping my eyes on my hands, "I don't think that's a good idea".
"That's not what you thought less than an hour ago" he teased, "you almost ate me alive".
I laughed looked up to meet his eyes, they were gentle and understanding which made it easy for me to resist the urge to look back down. "What's changed?" He asked tilting his head to the side. He looked genuinely curious and there was also a hint of concern in his frown. To be completely honest, I hadn't expected Lucas to be this sweet after making out with him, I guess rumors I'd heard from the many many other girls he'd kissed had really gotten to me.
"Me, I guess. Last time we kissed I was overwhelmed, excited and I wasn't really...thinking" I explained slowly, "I've kind of had a chance to think a little bit and I just...I don't think we should kiss again, not today anyway". Lucas' expression didn't change. King of the poker face, as always. "So...tomorrow?" He suggested. I laughed and pushed him gently, "I'm serious".
Lucas sighed and dropped his smile, "Okay, tell me what exactly it was you had to think about".
I patted the bench next to me and Lucas smiled then jumped up and sat close next to me. I tried to focus on my thoughts rather than on Lucas' arm brushing against mine, "Well" I began, "I don't know what this is" I looked up at him hoping he'd give me an answer, "I don't do friends with benefits so I'm not gonna be making out with you if we're just friends".
"Fair enough" he nodded, "so...what do you want?"
I was taken by surprise when he asked that. Truth be told I hadn't really thought about it, I just thought Lucas would figure it out for the both of us and tell me, he was the one with experience in this department.
"I-I don't...I think, um...w-we could be friends" I stuttered, "I wouldn't hate that...you're already my best friend anyway".
Lucas smiled and took my hand in his without any warning, "I don't wanna be friends" he said simply.
"Oh" I choked. I didn't know where he was going with this, did he want to be less than friends or more than friends? Whichever it was would seriously confuse me, just in different ways.
"Yeah" he nodded, "but I also don't want to hurt you, and I'm afraid if we were to start dating or whatever I'd be more likely to do so than if we were friends".
"I thought we were past this" I sighed.
"What?" Lucas frowned.
"Trying to protect me from you, I know you think you're the spawn of Satan and that I'll explode if you even touch me, but it's not your job to protect me. If I want to get into a relationship with you then that choice is completely up to me, just like how whether or not you want to get into it with me is completely up to you. I can make my own decisions, regardless of whether you think they're the right ones or not".
Lucas stared at the floor and nodded slowly, "so that's what you want? To be more than friends?"
Of course it was, but it wouldn't be that easy. I let out a deep breath before I spoke, "maybe...I would if it wasn't for..."
Lucas looked up at me and raised an eyebrow, "your friend Ryan?" There was a hint of annoyance in his tone when he said Ryan's name.
"What? No" I scoffed, "Ryan is barely even a friend". Lucas nodded but he didn't look convinced.
I chewed on my lip before continuing, I wasn't sure if it was the right time to bring this up, but it had to be said. "I'm talking about Emma".
Lucas' expression didn't change but his posture did, he sat up a little straighter and rolled his neck, "the alleged kiss I had with her?"
"You don't have to say it like that. Look, I know that you did it, what's the point in denying it anymore?" I folded my arms, fighting to keep my tone at a reasonable volume.
"And you truly believe that?" Lucas asked. He stared straight into my eyes while he waited for an answer. I couldn't look away which meant I saw his eyes drop and his hard expression soften when I answered, "yes".
Lucas didn't say anything so I tried to fill in the silence myself, "she's my best friend Lucas, she could never lie about something like that".
"But I could" he nodded. It wasn't a question, and he didn't sound upset when he said it. It was almost as it he were justifying why I didn't believe him for me.
"Look maybe...maybe we could just not talk about this right now. You're going through a lot with your dad, exams are coming up in a couple of days and I clearly haven't properly figured out what I want so let's just leave it for now" I suggested.
"Okay, yeah sure" he agreed, "we'll figure it out later".