I've long since surpassed the fear of dying alone
And the want to die with my family
Or someone I love
So that I don't have to travel though the undiscovered country alone
So that I'm not alone in heaven
Or during reincarnation
Or some afterlife
Now I am scared that there really is nothing after death
That it really is the end of the line
That the colours and blackness and static behind my eyes that I see
Before and as I sleep
Will be my world after I've outlived this one
Now I am scared that I will not be able to form the awareness
To be lonely or scared or sad that it is my word
That I will be trapped in a never ending nothingness
That I won't be able to describe
Now I am scared that I will miss the discoveries of humanity
What if aliens are discovered while I am lying dormant in the earth?
What if the polar ice caps melt completely when i have no brain capacity to fight against it?
What if my great great great grandson gets married and I am not there to see it?
Now I am scared that when I die no one will remember me
Give it a few generations and my kin will only vaguely remember my name
Give it a few generations and my kin will only discover me because of a class family tree project
Give it a few generations and my kin will forget me completely
I want to have a legacy
Even if it's one book on a shelf that only one child will read
They will still see my name and delve into my words
But what if my works are lost?
What if I can't write a book or play an instrument or do art well enough to be remembered?
What if im not smart enough to have a future in STEM and my family would rather forget me?
What if I play no significant role in society
What is people walk all over me after I'm gone
(Figuratively and literally)
Without knowing it?
Now I am scared that I am spending too much time worrying about death
Than actually living
arguments and stress and panic attacks might make out the remainder of my life
And then I'll only waste more time panicking about that
Now I am scared that I will be judged for my fears
"Death is inevitable so why be stressed about it."
Well it's not inevitable that zombies will walk the earth
My fear is different to your fear
My fears are different even to those who fear the same thing
I can't put my finger on it
But it is omnipresent on the tip of my tongue
At the back of my head
At the end of my life
Now I am afraid that by having these fears my Catholic faith will be questioned
Perhaps this is why religions exist
So that the light at the end of the tunnel is a concept to put our faith into
So that we have a motivation and reason to make a legacy
And to 'keep calm and carry on'
So that there is some sort of explanation as to all our fears and questions
I hope that our Lord in Heaven sees that my faith is as strong as ever
And that these questions spawn from my panic
And not my lack of hope and faith
But I am still scared
Now I am scared that this feeling will never leave me
That I will forever be paralysed by a concept that I can't find the words to explAin
That even after my heart stops beating
An aspect of this concept will keep me paralysed
Lying dormant in the dirt
Now I am scared that since I cannot fully explain this
I will never get help for it
Now I am scared that I am alone in fearing this
Now I am scared tHat my fears will become true
Now I am scared that i am powerless to do anything about that
Now,
I am scared.
A.N. Photo: me tryna fit in.