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"Two feet standing on a principle,
two hands longing for each others warmth.
Cold smoke seeping out of colder throats,
darkness falling, leaves nowhere to go."
Still - Daughter
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trigger warning: abuse, talk of suicide
XVII.
\\ GHOSTS OF THE PAST //
The next morning, the dreaded feeling in Arden's stomach greeted her immediately when she woke up. It was if her body instinctively knew what today was before her mind was even fully conscious of it. For fifteen minutes, she just sat on the edge of her bed and stared at the floor. She sat there, listening to the sound of the rain outside hitting her window and she felt almost completely numb, except for this dull ache in the pit of her stomach.
It's been a year.
One year.
Those two words echoed in Arden's mind as she somehow managed to stand up from the bed and get dressed for school. She threw on a loose fitting sweatshirt and leggings, needing the comfort they would provide her today. Not bothering with make-up, she just brushed through her hair and slipped on her boots before grabbing her backpack off of her desk chair. As she headed down the stairs, she saw Koda lying at the bottom step and smiled lightly.
He stood up, wagging his tail as Arden bent down and pet him for a moment, before heading towards the kitchen so she could feed him and let him out to pee.
But when she entered the kitchen, Arden was surprised to see her mom sitting at the dining room table. As soon as she appeared in the doorway, her
mom looked up from the laptop in front of her and smiled up at her.
"I already fed him and took him out."
Glancing over at his food bowl that sat on the floor next to the wall, Arden saw that there was indeed food in it and fresh water.
Arden frowned, "I thought you had work."
"I did, but I got off work early." She replied, "I wanted to make sure I was here when you woke up."
Of course she did. Arden thought to herself, but she said nothing. She just stood there, chewing on the inside of her cheek, not knowing how to respond.
"You know, you don't have to go to school today if you don't want to." Her mom told her, "I'd understand if you needed to take a day off. Especially today."
Arden looked away immediately, not wanting to have this conversation with her. Or anyone really, for that matter. The last thing she wanted was to talk about any of it right now.
"I'm okay, Mom." She assured her, "I'm just gonna go grab a cup of coffee from The Brew and head to school. That's what I need today."
Her mom looked at her for a moment, almost as if trying to find any sign that she was lying about how she was. But Arden needed to just go through the motions today. She needed to go to school, do school work, just...get through the day.
"Okay, well, if you need to come home at any time today, just give me a call." She told her, "I'll be here until 9 tonight and then I have to go into work."
Arden nodded, shrugging her backpack on, "See you later, Mom."
And with that, Arden was out the door before her mom could say anything more. Arden hated worrying her and didn't want her worrying about her. It was just better for everyone that way.
Sighing, Arden looked out to the street, seeing it was raining lightly, which felt appropriate for today. Throwing her hood up, she stepped off the porch and into the rain. As she walked down the side walk, she pulled her jacket close to my body, stepping over small puddles as she headed towards town.
Arden headed straight to the Brew, only pulling her hood down until she was inside. As soon as she stepped in, she looked around the quiet coffee shop, seeing a few people scattered about here and there. She walked up to the coffee bar and sat down on one of the stools just as Ash came from the back.
"Hey Ash," She offered him a small smile.
He smiled back, "Hey Arden, the usual?"
Arden nodded, watching him walk to the other end of the counter, "Extra whipped cream, please."
He started making her drink and she let out a yawn and rubbed her eyes tiredly. If she was being honest with herself, between the stress of the whole Zoo thing and the nightmares of the past, she hadn't gotten a decent nights sleep in almost two weeks and it felt like it was finally catching up to her.
"Okay, you ordered extra whipped cream," Ash said, putting my drink in front of her, "You gonna tell me what's wrong?"
Arden frowned as she looked up at him, "What?"
"You always order extra whipped cream when something is wrong." He pointed out, "So...you okay?"
Ash leaned against the counter as she looked down at the mug in front of her. Arden felt the ache roll through her again, and as she looked back up at Ash, she let out a quiet sigh.
"Today..." She swallowed, "Today is the anniversary...of Michael's death."
It was so hard to believe that it was a year already. One whole year had passed without him being on this earth. For the whole six months after his death, Arden couldn't even imagine how the world seemed to keep on spinning when such a tragedy occurred. Yet, somehow it did, with her still here, reeling through his death a whole year later as if it happened yesterday.
"Shit, I'm sorry, Arden." He said softly, "Are you okay?"
She just shrugged...unable to say that she was okay, but also not wanting to crumble.
"Why don't you stick around here?" Ash suggested, "Skip school and just take it easy. When my shift is over, we can go do something."
In that moment, Arden almost agreed right then and there. It sounded a hell of a lot better than going to school, where she would just torture herself all day about Michael, her guilt, Dunbar, and everything that was happening.
But then Arden glanced down at her tattoo. Her eyes traced over the lines of the scale, and she was reminded of why she got it. It was exactly for moments like these when she needed that reminder. And she knew what she needed to do.
"That's very nice of you, Ash." Arden smiled, "But I gotta go to school. If I don't, it'll feel like I'm avoiding my feelings and...I don't want to do that anymore."
"Well, if you change your mind, shoot me a text, okay?"
She nodded, smiling gratefully. And speaking of texting, in that moment, Ash's phone chimed. And for some reason, Arden could have sworn his whole body changed. As he took his phone out from his back pocket, she thought he looked really tense and then when he read whatever was on his screen, he seemed to relax.
"Ash, are you okay?" Arden frowned, "You look a little...tense?"
He immediately nodded, clearing his throat as he slipped his phone back into his pocket, "Yeah, I'm good."
"Have you spoken to Elisia this morning?" She asked curiously.
"No, we're not..." He seemed flustered, "We're not talking right now."
Arden frowned, her eyebrows furrowing at the news. Elisia didn't mention this when she saw her yesterday. Plus, it seemed like everything was great with them at least a week ago. They were always with each other and it was the only time Elisia actually seemed happy these days.
"Did you guys get in a fight or something?" She asked cautiously.
Immediately, he sighed in response, "I really don't wanna talk about it."
Watching as he restocked the napkins on the counter, Arden sat there in confusion at his dismissing behavior. These past couple months, they'd gotten pretty close and Ash was usually open with her when something was bothering him...but right now? He looked really tense and it felt like he was hiding something.
"Well...are you okay?" Arden asked, worried about him.
"I'm fine." He nodded, almost convincingly, "I promise."
Arden decided to let it go for now. He definitely wasn't in the mood to talk about whatever it is that was going on and she respected his boundaries, not pushing him anymore. If he wanted to tell her, he would when he was ready. And if not, that was his business.
All she could do was be there for him.
For another half hour, Arden sat at the counter just chatting with Ash for as long as she could before it was time to head to school. So, when the time came to head out, she thanked Ash for everything and paid him for the drink, grabbed her backpack and left for school.
@ @ @
As soon as Arden got to school, she texted her mom to let her know that she was there, just to assure her even more than everything was okay. Arden knew she would be non-stop worrying about her today.
Her mom would be gone for work by the time Arden got home anyways so she knew she at least wouldn't have to deal with her worried hovering tonight. Most of Arden was grateful for that...but a small part of her felt this sadness as well. Her mom worked hard to provide for them, and there has never been a moment where she resented that, but sometimes...on days like today...she wished she was here to be her mom.
Her mind swirled these thoughts around as she walked down the hallway towards class. Everything moved around her as it usually did, as if it was another typical day. It was only different for her, in her mind. It felt different.
Arden's phone chimed as she rounded the corner of the hallway, and when she looked down at the screen, she saw a notification flash across her screen. It was a flash message...and it felt like everything was crashing down on her as she read it.
You thinking about Michael today? You should be. You know it's all your fault that he's dead.
Swallowing, Arden felt her throat tighten and her stomach lurch as she read the message. It was from KingCobra. They knew about Michael too. Of course they did. They knew everything.
Not only was Arden receiving messages from RagingGrizzly, but now she was getting messages from KingCobra...the person who was behind all this.
"Oh, hey, quick, quick...does anyone have a gun?"
Arden looked up from her phone and her stomach grew even more sick when she saw Trevor making his way over to her with Brandon not too far behind him.
"Does anyone have a gun?" Trevor stopped right in front of her, stopping her in her tracks, "Because I would rather kill myself than have to look at your face for another second."
Usually, Arden wouldn't let Trevor bother her, but today...today was different. And along with the memories of what happened a year ago today, the text she'd just received, and hearing Trevor shoving it in her face made her freeze, her heart racing in her chest as he stood close in front of her, tauntingly.
Arden's watery eyes glanced over at Brandon, but he just looked at her with a look in his eyes that looked sympathetic, but not caring enough. She looked away, figuring that just because they had a good talk last night, didn't mean things were going to change at school. Did she really expect him to be different around his friends?
"Boom!" Trevor yelled in her face.
Arden jumped a little at his loud outburst as he walked away, Brandon moving away with him...and for a moment, she stood there trying to catch her breath. Her heart was pounding in her chest, it felt like her rib cage was constricting her lungs as she started walking again, going to her locker a few feet away.
"Trevor, shut up."
Arden's eyebrows furrowed at the voice, and when she looked back, she saw Brandon had stopped him down the hallway, looking at him in annoyance.
"I'm sick of you talking shit to her."
Arden lips parted as she heard him seemingly defending her for the first time ever. She stood there, watching and listening to what was happening just down the hall.
Trevor frowned, "What?"
"What do you mean 'what'?" Brandon looked at him, "I'm sick of you talking shit to her. She never did anything to you."
"Oh, seriously, Brandon?" Trevor rolled his eyes and chuckled, "Come on, you always agree with me. She's just a stuck up bitch who made her ex kill himse-"
But Trevor didn't finish that sentence, because Brandon suddenly shoved him up against the wall, and Arden jumped a little, not expecting for things to escalate that quickly or for Brandon to take it so far in order to defend her.
"You know what?" Brandon said lowly, "You are the problem, okay? If you-...if you ever even mention her again or look at her, or even Rowan for that matter, I will tell everybody about that night."
Brandon let go of Trevor and kept a straight face, letting Trevor know that he was being serious. Trevor's jaw clenched, pushing Brandon back from him.
"Screw you, man, alright?" Trevor growled angrily, "You can go play with your girlfriend then."
And that was when Trevor walked away angrily, leaving Brandon standing there as he watched him walk away. Slowly, Arden walked over towards her locker on the other side of the hall, still watching as Trevor stormed down the hall.
Brandon then glanced back at Arden and she looked away, turning towards her locker and putting her combo in. She expected him to just go about his day, but instead, he walked over and leaned against the locker beside herself.
"Are you okay?" He frowned, his eyes soft.
She opened her locker, pulling out the books she needed for class, and swallowed, trying to calm herself down.
"You didn't need to do that." She told him, "I don't need you to defend me."
"I know." Brandon nodded, "But it was something I should have done a long time ago."
Arden closed her locker, leaning her back against it and hugging her books to her chest as she looked down at the ground. Brandon leaned his shoulder against the locker beside her, seeing how quiet and low she was.
"You're usually pretty quick on your comebacks though," Brandon looked at her in confusion, "Why'd you let Trevor talk to you like that back there?"
Swallowing, Arden looked up from the ground and over to him...seeing this softness in his blue eyes. The same look he gave her last night.
"Today is um...it was a year ago..." She said quietly, "Since Michael..."
She wanted to get all the words out...but they got caught in her throat. But Brandon nodded, understanding what she meant, thankfully so she didn't have to say it out loud.
"Come on," He grabbed her books from her hands, "I'll walk you to class."
Arden smiled appreciatively, leaning off of the locker and joining him at his side. As they walked down the hallway, she couldn't help but glance over at Brandon every few moments...feeling this warm feeling in her chest at how sweet he was being. Arden had always suspected there was more to him than what she saw at school...she just never knew that she would like this side of him so much.
@ @ @
Later that night...
Arden managed to get through the rest of the day somehow. She more so just went through the motions until it was time to go back home.
When Arden got home, Rowan came over soon after and stayed for a little while, knowing what today was and wanting to check up on her. They talked for a little while and then watched a movie, pigging out on popcorn, candy, and pizza. She definitely got Arden to take her mind off of everything for a little while.
It was around 8pm when Rowan's dad called and told her to come on home. She told Arden she would stay...that she would stay the night with her...but Arden assured her that she would be okay and that she could go ahead on home.
Part of moving on was going through the pain. And sometimes, you needed to learn how to do that in the moments you were on your own.
When Rowan was getting ready to leave her house, all Arden could think about was how lucky she was to have her as a friend. Not only her, but Hailey and Elisia both checked on her at school today as well. Having them here meant the world to her...more than words could describe.
Arden thought about this as she walked Rowan out to her car. Rowan gave her a hug before leaving and told her to call her if she needed anything and that she would see her at school tomorrow. Then she got in her car and Arden watched from the bottom of her driveway as Rowan drove away and disappeared around the corner of the street.
Smiling, Arden turned to go back inside my house when she heard the sound of something slamming...and when she glanced back, she saw Brandon had walked out of his backyard and the slamming sound she had heard was the gate behind him.
He stepped out into the front yard a little bit until he noticed Arden standing across the street, and he turned his head away a bit. It was dark out...but she could have sworn she saw him stiffen a little.
"Hey," She waved to him.
He glanced over at her, and just gave her a nod, "Hey."
Arden frowned a little, noticing he was acting a bit off. He was acting stand-offish...and his movements were almost skittish.
She found herself walking across the street to the edge of his driveway, before she stopped. Even though he heard her approaching, he still wouldn't turn to look at her.
"Are you okay?" Arden asked him in concern.
He nodded quickly, but still wouldn't face her, hiding away from her for some reason.
"I'm fine." He replied shortly.
But she didn't believe that. And there was no way she was going to go back inside her house without being sure he was alright. So, Arden walked over to him.
"Brandon, hey..." She said softly, "Look at me."
She slowly reached up and rested her hand on the side of his face, and he reluctantly let her gently tilt his face towards her. When his eyes met hers, Arden's lips parted. The skin around his right eye was forming into a purple bruise, and there was a cut on his lip, with blood still freshly dripping from it.
She frowned, feeling her stomach sicken as she brushed my fingers over the bruised skin. But Brandon pulled away and looked down at the ground...she'd never seen him this way. Seemingly scared and hurt.
And there was only one thing she could think of doing in that moment.
"Come on." She held out his hand to him.
Brandon looked up at her in confusion, "What?"
She gestured her head towards my house, "Come on in, I'll get you cleaned up."
Brandon looked at her reluctantly, and didn't make a move, so she took his hand in hers. His eyes glance down at their hands, and sighed to himself before he nodded.
So, keeping their hands interlaced, she led him across the street and into her house. She hadn't really stopped either to think about this idea that she had, but it seemed like the right thing to do.
As Arden stepped inside her house, they were immediately greeted by Koda, who went immediately over to Brandon and started sniffing him curiously. Arden chuckled a little, closing the door behind them.
"That's just Koda," She told Brandon as she locked the door, "Don't mind him."
Brandon nodded and followed behind her, straight down the hall and to the bathroom, turning on the light as they walked in. Bringing him towards the bath tub, she gestured towards it.
"Here, sit."
He nodded, sitting down on the edge of the tub as Arden took a wash cloth from the linen cabinet and soaked it with warm water. Brandon sat quietly on the edge of the tub, just watching as she squeezed the excess water from the cloth and shut the water off.
Turning back towards him, Arden knelt down in front of him and brought the cloth up to the cut on his lip and began to dab it lightly.
"Ah," Brandon hissed a little at the stinging pain.
She frowned apologetically, looking over his face at the newly formed bruise on his cheek and at the cut on his lip that she was trying to clean up.
"Your dad do this?" Arden asked him quietly.
But deep down, she already knew the answer. After she saw how his father treated Brandon yesterday...it was an unfortunate fact that this was also apart of Brandon's life.
Brandon nodded slowly, not even bothering to lie about it, looking down at his hands like he was ashamed or embarrassed. Arden didn't want him to feel that way...it wasn't his fault.
She finished up cleaning the blood off his lip, and then set the cloth down on the sink.
"You can stay here tonight if you want." She sat down beside him, "I imagine you don't want to be home right now."
He sighed, "Not particularly, no."
Arden nodded her head, figuring that was the case. If she were him, she wouldn't want to go back home either. And she certainly felt much better knowing that he was here and not back at his house getting hit by his dad.
So, Arden stood up from the tub, gesturing for him to follow her. Slowly he stood up, trailing behind her unsurely as she led him into her room, closing the bedroom door behind them. Koda was lying on his dog bed in the corner of the room, already slightly sleeping.
As Arden walked over to her bed, she noticed Brandon out of the corner of her eye looking around her room curiously taking everything in. She tossed her decorative pillows in the chair in the corner of her room and grabbed the pillows that were on the end of her bed from where Rowan and her had placed them while they were watching a movie earlier, and tossed them back to the head of the bed.
"Look, um..." Brandon rubbed the back of his neck, "You don't have to do this. I mean...what about your mom? Wont you get in trouble if she finds me here?"
"I know I don't have to, but I want to." Arden nodded, pulling back the comforter on her bed, "And as for my mom, she works the long night shifts at the hospital so she usually doesn't get home until I've left for school. So...we're good."
He didn't say anything more and just stood in the corner of my room as she finished unmaking her bed, adjusting the pillows on both sides.
"You can sleep on this side of the bed," She patted on side of the bed, then glanced up at him, "Try anything and I'll kick you in the balls so hard that you will never be able to find them again."
She half expected him to make a suggestive comment or joke, but Brandon just smiled, nodding understandingly.
And with that, they both slid under the covers of her bed, keeping a good amount of space between them. Both of them laid there, on their backs, staring up at the ceiling. For a while, it was quiet...as they laid there, their minds racing through their own complex thoughts. She wondered if this was it, if they were both too tired, too scared, too full of emotions to speak anymore tonight. If the rest of the night was meant to be silent.
"Hey, Arden..."
His voice broke through the silence, quiet and soft.
She didn't look over at him, but replied softly, "Yeah?"
Out of the corner of her eye, she saw him glance over at her...and he was quiet for a moment, as if trying to decide on whether to say what he wanted to say.
"Why do you feel guilty?" He asked her.
It was the same question he had asked her last night, after she told him what her tattoo meant. He asked her what she had to be guilty about. Arden didn't answer him then...but now...she felt like it was right he should know.
"My relationship with Michael was...an emotionally and mentally abusive one. I lost myself for a long time, didn't know who I was when I wasn't with him or when I wasn't trying to help him fight the demons in his life. I thought I loved him...and I thought I could help him...but I became this shell of myself that absorbed all the bad that was happening to him and I drowned myself in it." Arden said quietly, "One night, I needed a break from it all and I went to a party my friend was throwing. While I was there, he tried calling me. He called three times and I ignored each call, not wanting to deal with him at the time."
A tear reached the brims of her eyes as she thought back to that night. That night...a year ago today. That tear eventually slipped down her cheek, but she wiped it away quickly.
"When I got home, I found out that he had taken his life...maybe an hour after his last call to me." Arden swallowed, "And I, um...I felt so guilty that I didn't answer his call and for not being able to help him...and I blamed myself for it. I blamed myself so much that I wouldn't let myself be happy for the longest time because I thought I didn't deserve to be happy."
And if she was being honest with herself...most of the time she still believed it.
"My dad got worried about me, and he thought the best thing for me was for me to get away from it all. Being here, it helps a lot. As well as having Rowan, Elisia, and Hailey there for me. But even now, when it comes to me being happy...I sometimes still feel..."
"Unworthy?" Brandon guessed, almost knowingly.
"Yeah..." Arden nodded at the perfect word, "Unworthy."
Arden glanced over at him, seeing him looking at her with his soft blue eyes...as if he knew exactly how she was feeling in that moment. Those eyes...somehow made her feel safe and understood. Brandon made her feel those things...things she never thought she'd feel.
"Goodnight, Brandon." Arden whispered, feeling herself slipping away into sleep.
And before she fell into her dreams, the last thing she heard was, "Goodnight, Arden."
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"Still with eyes meeting,
still our hands match,
Still with hearts beating."