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"Coming like a hurricane,
I take it in real slow.
The world is spinning like a weathervane.
Fragile and composed,
I am breaking down again."
Hurricane - Fleurie
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trigger warning: talks of drug abuse, mental abuse, and suicide
VII.
\\ FACING THE PAST //
"Back at my old school, I had a boyfriend. Michael. We dated for a little over a year." Arden told them, "I knew he had problems when we started dating, but...they were small and I...I thought that everything would get better, you know?"
By this time, Rowan, Hailey, and Elisia had sat down on the floor across of her, listening as she began the tragic story of her past. Hugging her knees into her chest, Arden tried to maintain her composure as she continued. This was the first time she'd talked about it with people outside of her family and her therapist back in Colorado.
"The first couple months of our relationship started off great. We were happy, and I was falling hard for him...but it didn't last that way."
In Arden's head, his voice began echoing the little things in the beginning as her mind began remembering the past.
'You shouldn't wear that, it'll attract the wrong kind of attention.'
'You wanted to go out with your friends? But I thought we could just spend time together, just you and me.'
'If you really loved me, you wouldn't go out tonight.'
'You're being ridiculous, Arden. Why are you acting like such a bitch right now?'
'If you leave, I will hurt myself.'
Blinking her eyes, Arden fought his voice off in her head...feeling a lump forming in her throat as she found her voice again.
"Slowly, Michael became more and more emotionally draining and then eventually got really emotionally abusive. He had a way of playing mind games with me and he knew how to get to me in order to get the attention he wanted. Whether it was manipulating me into spending all my time and energy on no one else but him, or threatening to kill himself if he ever suspected I was having thoughts about leaving him."
Rowan frowned, her eyebrows knitting up as she looked at her sympathetically, "I'm so sorry, Arden. I had no idea."
But she couldn't have known. No one did. In fact, not even Arden's parents knew fully about any of this. Rowan, Hailey, and Elisia were now the only ones who knew the whole story of what she went through last year.
"One night, I was having issues of my own. Family stuff, friend stuff...and I needed a night to just...get away from it all. To let loose and have fun. Just for one night." Arden told them, "So I went to a party my friend was throwing without Michael knowing, and I was having a good time. I had a few beers, and I was dancing with my friends...just being a regular teenager."
As soon as Arden turned the corner of the street of her friend's house, she immediately heard it. Vibrations and muffled music coming from the house a few blocks down.
The sound made her heart pick up in her chest and her stomach had nervous butterflies in it. It was nerves from her mind racing and questioning if she really wanted to do this.
Arden hadn't hung out with her friends in so long...what if they didn't want her there? What if something bad happens? What if Michael found out she went?
"Arden, hey! You made it! I'm so glad you came!"
While her thoughts had been swarming, her legs had apparently kept going, because she was suddenly face to face with my good friend Melanie, who was throwing the party, standing in the doorway of the house.
"Hey Mel," She smiled, "It's good to see you."
Mel grinned, stepping forward and hugging her tightly. Instinctively, Arden stiffened for a second, but the warmth of her quickly made her relax...and she smiled as she hugged her back.
God, she missed her.
"Oh! Come in, come in!"
She let go of Arden and pulled her inside the house, where the music was bumping the walls and kids from their school were moving throughout the house like waves.
"Take a shot with me?" She smiled, "For old time's sake?"
Looking over at her, Mel was grinning up at her excitedly, and Arden found herself smiling as well. Melanie had always been so bubbly and energetic...she used to bring that out in Arden as well. And right now, she could use some of that positivity and liveliness in her as well.
"Okay, but only one." Arden told her, "I'm not planning on getting drunk tonight."
She giggled happily, grabbing Arden's arm and pulling her towards the kitchen, "Deal!"
"Halfway through the party, Michael called me and...I remember being there, in the kitchen and looking down at his name on the screen. And I just...I ignored the call. I let it go to voicemail." Arden said, "He called two more times after that and I ignored those calls too. Then the calls stopped, and I figured he got the message that I didn't want to talk right now. I remember thinking...I'll call him back as soon as I get home."
One shot and two beers later, Melanie and Arden were hanging out in the kitchen, catching up. Arden was sitting on the countertop sipping her beer as Mel leaned against the counter across from her, a mixed drink in a red solo cup in her hand. She was telling Arden about how she had become captain of our school's dance team. Hearing this made Arden super happy because she knew how much Mel loved dance and how much this meant to her.
"So, Arden, where've you been?" She suddenly asked, "I haven't seen you in forever."
Arden stiffened a little, unsure of what to say at first. In that moment, she felt like she couldn't tell her the truth...that Michael didn't like her going out with her friends.
"Oh, um...I've just been busy with school work and soccer." She half-lied, "Plus, I've been dealing with stuff at home."
Arden hoped Mel hadn't noticed that she quit the soccer team...or that the reason why she was never around is because she was always with Michael. And she found herself questioning in that moment why she felt like she needed to protect him from any judgement Melanie might have.
"Well, I'm glad you made it out tonight," She smiled, "I've missed you, Den."
Relief washed over Arden at first...and then an aching feeling in her chest. It came from her wondering if after tonight, she would ever get this with her best friend again.
"I've missed you too, Mel." Arden said softly, genuinely happy to have come here tonight.
Suddenly, Arden felt her phone vibrating in her back pocket and she set her beer down on the counter as she took her phone out. Looking down at the caller ID, her stomach lurched when she saw Michael was calling.
"Do you need to take that?" Mel asked.
Arden hesitated for a moment, almost hitting the answer button, but then hit decline instead at the last minute, sending it to voicemail. Regret instantly washed over her...but the moments she was having with Mel right now, quickly replaced it.
"I'll call them back later." Arden told her, "Right now, I'm in the mood to dance. Care to join me?"
Mel grinned happily, "Hell yeah. Let's go!"
As Melanie grabbed Arden's hand and led her to the living room where people were dancing, it felt like her phone was weighing heavy in her back pocket. Arden felt a little guilty for ignoring Michael's phone call...and she was debating within herself if she should call him back.
But as Mel began dancing in front of Arden and everyone else danced around them...she felt that guilt slip away slowly. Laughing at Melanie's made-up dance move, Arden started dancing with her, letting go of everything that had been crushing down on her.
'I'll call him when I get home.'
In that moment, Arden just wanted to enjoy one night with her friend, doing normal teenage stuff. Michael would still be there when she got home.
Or so she thought.
Her heart ached in her chest as the haunting memories started coming back. They were painful to remember...especially the part that came next. Arden could feel the tears burning in her eyes and her voice began to crack as she continued.
"When I got home, my dad was sitting at the kitchen counter, with a drink in a glass, just waiting for me. And right away, I knew something was wrong because he never waited up for me. And he told me-..." A tear slipped down her cheek, "He said Michael was found dead a few hours before I got home. He had hung himself in his bathroom."
The night had come to an end, and as Arden found herself walking up to her front door, she almost wished that she could live in that moment forever. She had so much fun, and it was so good to be around such lively people, even if it was just for that night.
A smile still played on her lips as she walked through the front door and headed straight for the kitchen.
However, as Arden walked down the hallway, she noticed the light was still on. Walking down the hall, the living room opened up and she saw her father sitting in the chair...with a blank expression on his face. He was just sitting there, the tv wasn't playing, he wasn't reading...just sitting there in the quiet.
"Dad?" Her eyebrows furrowed, "What are still doing up?"
Whenever he knew she would be out late, Arden would usually come home and he would be asleep, and she'd peek my head in the door and let him know she was home. Very rarely did her Dad ever wait up on her.
"Arden, honey..." My dad swallowed, "You should sit down."
Instantly, his tone sent chills down her spine...mixed with the look he had in his eyes, Arden knew something was very wrong. Swallowing, she stepped into the living room and sat down in the chair across from him.
"What is it?"
Her dad looked up at her, and opened his mouth...but nothing came out. In his eyes, Arden could see so much dread and sadness...and her mind instantly started racing as she tried to think of what could possibly have him like this.
"Dad...you're scaring me..." Her stomach dropped, "What's going on?"
He sighed, looking up at her somberly. The longer he was quiet, the more frightened she was becoming. Arden had never seen my dad at a loss like this and it scared the hell out of her.
"It's about Michael."
Her heart practically slammed against the walls of her chest at those words before it started racing.
"Michael, he..." My dad said slowly, "He committed suicide, a few hours ago. He's...he died."
Arden's stomach turned sickly, making her feel like someone had punched her in the gut. Suddenly, her whole world and everything she knew started crashing down on her.
"W-...what?" Arden croaked out, "No...no, he just-...he couldn't have..."
A pained look washed over his face, "I'm so sorry, sweetheart."
The tears fell from her eyes, streaming down her cheeks as a sob racked through her body. Her dad stood up and came over to her, sitting down beside her and wrapping his arm around her.
Arden fell into him, sobbing into his chest as he held her.
This was her fault. Why didn't she pick up the phone?
Arden paused for a minute, trying to regain her composure. Tears had been escaping down her cheeks as she told them this part of the story...and she could feel herself right on the edge of losing herself in the memory. Swallowing, she tried to pull herself back from the edge as the three girls looked back at her.
"Arden," Rowan frowned, "I'm so sorry. I can't even begin to imagine..."
Arden's mind started drifting to the events that happened afterwards. The funeral...the note he left her...everything. But she couldn't go through that with them...it was still too painful. So, she picked up at the end...the last six months before being sent here.
"The whole thing destroyed me...because I felt like the it was all my fault. That I could have done something to save him and I just didn't try hard enough. On top of that, I had given up everything for him...my friends, all of my time, I even gave up soccer for him...so when everything happened, I had no idea who I was anymore. I lost myself." She looked down, "My dad made me go to a therapist and they prescribed me these anti-depressants...I used them to numb everything. To the point where I wasn't myself at all...it was like I was watching myself move throughout life but it wasn't-...it wasn't me, you know?"
"Arden? Are you with us?"
Picking her head up from her desk, Arden saw her teacher had stopped the lesson and was now looking at her. Her classmates had all looked back at her and she nodded meekly...just wanting to remain as unseen as possible.
The teacher thankfully continued the lesson, and as her voice faded away, Arden pulled her hood down over her head a little more as she set her chin on her arms crossed on the desk.
On the corner of the desk was the most recent test they took that her teacher had graded. In dark red, a bold D- stared back at her from the paper.
Arden looked away, turning her head against her arms to stare out the window.
The old Arden would have cared about the bad grade. She would have wanted to try harder, do better next time.
But instead she found herself unable to care about anything, let alone her grades. She was numb to everything inside her...everything except the pain.
And in her mind, the pain, she deserved.
"My dad saw how bad I was getting and how dependent I was on the pills...so he made me stop taking them before I could get really hooked on them." Arden continued, looking down at her knees, "But without them, I had to face all the pain and it was so overwhelming...most days I felt like I was drowning in the guilt, the sadness, the pain...and everything just reminded me of him. So...my dad made the decision that I should move back here with my mom. So...yeah, here I am."
Letting out a slow breath, Arden finished explaining everything...and she looked up from her knees and looked at her friends in the eye for the first time since she had started talking. Each of them looked at her sympathetically, which caused her to shift a little uncomfortably. Arden didn't want pity from them...she just wanted them to know the truth and why she was afraid of Monkeyman knowing all of it.
Hailey had tears resting in the brims of her eyes, "Arden...it wasn't your fault."
"I'm starting to see that," She nodded, "I'm easier on myself than I used to be."
It was true...she didn't blame myself like she used to. Arden could see with more clarity and she understood in her mind that it wasn't her fault. Every day became easier...and she had come this far. But even with that, Arden was still scared Monkeyman would eventually use it to bring all that pain crashing down on her.
"And if Monkeyman tells everyone my secret..." She looked up at them, "I will have to face it all over again. The questions, the judgement, the sympathetic looks."
Suddenly, Rowan's phone started going off again and she quickly picked it up, looking down at the screen.
"It's my dad again," Rowan grabbed her jacket, "I have to go."
Elisia looked down somberly, "Well...this has been fun."
Hailey looked at her in concern, "Are you going to be okay here by yourself?"
Elisia nodded, "I'll be fine."
With that, Rowan, Hailey, and Arden got up, gathering their stuff, and they headed out of Elisia's trailer. She could tell that all of them were ready to be home after everything that had unfolded tonight.
The three of them stuck together as long as they could until it was time to go their separate ways home. They said their goodbyes and parted ways.
And surprisingly, as Arden walked into the night towards home...she felt a comfort that she hadn't expected. She felt better after telling her secret to the girls...and somehow, them knowing made her feel like maybe everything would be okay.
She could only hope thay would be true.
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"It's all we know,
all we know, the hurricane
Falling slow,
falling slow in the pouring rain."
~ ~ ~
* If you or anyone you know struggles with domestic abuse, you can get help. You are not alone. *
The National Domestic Abuse hotline:
1-800-799-7233