23 - almosts and what ifs -
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Dressing up wasn't something I did often, but when I did, I definitely enjoyed it. I remember the absolute winning smile on my face when I looked in the dressing room mirror, the last dress on the rack that I had spotted looking exactly how I had imagined it would.
But that was around the end of November, before everything had happened. I had just gone one day after school, with the intent to waste time at the mall, not even to find a dress. I hadn't even imagined that I'd be here, worrying about everything I thought I'd never have to. I felt completely different as I held it up in front of my body. I could clearly remember standing in front of the mirror then, but now it felt like I was looking at a different scene only a month later, even though neither of the centrepieces had changed.
So much had happened in the past month, it was a marvel to even think that I was still the same person. The thought didn't make sense, I knew, but I couldn't be bothered to explain it. It was like everything had changed, and yet nothing had changed at all.
I stared at the dress in the mirror, my lips flattening. It was the same dark emerald green dress that I'd loved a month ago. The same satin one that reached just above my knees, had a slightly scooping v neck and small ruffles at the shoulders. I smiled a bit, acknowledging the fact that I was still just as excited to wear it now as I had been then.
The dress was the same. The fabric still flowed and looked the same way, even after being cooped up in my closet for a month. As I was staring, Taeyong finally noticed that I hadn't moved in a while.
"What are you doing?" He asked, his brows knitting together. He was sitting on the window seat, the thick mat-like material beneath him made comfortable with the added festive blankets and throw pillows
I didn't really have an answer for him, as I honestly didn't know what I was doing either. It was only 5 o'clock, which meant that we wouldn't have to leave for my grandparent's for at least another hour. And in no way shape or form did I really need to be staring at the dress in the mirror, nor force my brain to think weirdly about it.
I gripped the hanger tighter before just setting it down on my bed, sighing. "Nothing. Why?"
I sat down on the bed as he pursed his lips and shook his head, looking away.
"The dress looks nice, Dohyeong,"
As he said that, he turned away so I couldn't see his face. And I didn't say anything, but I somehow still found my eyes wandering back over to it, my mind irrevocably stuck on the words.
I walked in my grandparent's door around an hour later, my mind giving me the image of my dress flowing in behind me with the wind. But, that soon came to an end when I heard the door close behind me, the dress resting comfortably on the back of my legs.
"Dohyeong!"
I turned my head to see my grandma, walking towards me with a smile. "Hi," I waved, returning her smile eagerly.
It went on like that, exchanging hugs and conversing with family members I hadn't seen in a while. Even though there weren't many people there, I still had a lot to catch up on, it seemed.
"You're very close with your family," Taeyong said this when I went in the kitchen to get plates for dinner.
I nodded, responding softly, "I always have been."
Sooner or later, I was sat down at the dinner table, my immediate family and close relatives filling the other seats around me. I was an only child, but I was really close with a few of my cousins, despite our age difference. It was a pair of twins, a boy and girl both around fourteen. They sat a few seats away from me, arguing softly amongst themselves about something that most likely didn't matter much.
I was sort of quiet while everyone else talked as dinner was eaten, not knowing what to say or where to butt in. My aunt and uncle were talking about New Years while my cousins, the twins, argued about how they would open the gifts under the tree. My age was in a weird place when it came to my family since I was too young to drink with the adults, but also still too old to be considered a child. It was like a never-ending limbo of discussions of life after school and helping a said cousin with 9th-grade math problems.
But, it was still fun, so I just smiled and laughed along, truly trying to enjoy myself.
And it only went on to be more and more fun as the time passed. I tried my best to join in on what everyone was talking about, and everyone, thankfully, seemed to accept it with open arms. I opened presents from my grandparents under their tree, holding up the new laptop case I'd gotten when everyone wanted to see. I'd had such a great time, so later, when it was time to go home, I was exhausted.
I knew that Taeyong knew that I was tired, but I didn't think he understood to the extent. My stomach was full, and I was so drowsy from laughing so much that I didn't think I could even walk in a straight line without stumbling over my own feet. The pyjamas that I'd changed into, maybe the softest ones that I'd ever owned, definitely didn't help, either
"Dohyeong?" I picked my head up to see my mom, looking over at me from the kitchen as she teased me, "Are you tired?"
I just nodded, looking back down as I ignored her poke.
She just seemed to laugh at my reaction, her footsteps going away to the entryway, where everyone else was gathered to talk before they left. I let out a quiet sigh as I stretched my legs out, my chin digging into my chest as I unintentionally let my eyes flutter closed. My grandparent's couch had never been the most comfortable, but right now, I could probably fall asleep anywhere.
It was almost like my body was airy now, nothing but exhaustion flowing idly through my bones I felt myself begin to drift off. But, I awoke again a bit when I felt an arm sneak around my shoulders, their hand resting lightly on my neck as they pulled me into their shoulder.
I opened my eyes and slightly tilted my head up, getting a short view of the angel's face before my eyes unintentionally closed again. I felt that it was a completely different situation than normal, but if anything, Taeyong was closer to a friend than a guardian angel at this point, and I didn't really find any reason to mind. So, I reached out my hand and placed it on his knee, mumbling out a short and quiet 'thank you'.
At first, I wasn't sure if he had heard me, but when I felt his arm shift so his hand could squeeze my shoulder, I knew he had.
Around an hour later, I sat down in my bed, too exhausted to even think. And for a moment, I just stared at the wall, not finding any good reason to move. My tired brain was too focused on the lights outside my window to notice Taeyong sitting down next to me.
"Dohyeong?"
I knew that as soon as I hit the pillow, I would be out. So, I sustained myself a little longer, finding the energy to look over at Taeyong, as I still had something to ask him.
His eyes were soft as he raised a brow. "What is it, Dohyeong?"
"Do you understand now?" I asked, my voice quiet as I referred to my promise from earlier today.
His lips slipped up into a shy smile as he nodded. "Thank you. I guess putting a pine tree up and decorating it isn't as useless as I thought,"
I just gave him a drowsy smile, a small bout of happiness rushing through my tired body. I reached out and put my hand on the back of his head, my fingers weaving through his hair for a short moment before I let them drop back down to my side. It was a simple action, but I knew it gave the emotions I was trying to convey.
"I can't wait for next Christmas," I said sleepily, not noticing the way he slightly faltered.
Something flashed through his eyes as he gave me a gentle smile. "Me neither. Merry Christmas, Dohyeong."
At that moment, the confirmation was all I needed to lay down, the sounds of his footsteps as he walked to his place by the window seat lulling me down into an easy sleep.
--
TAEYONG'S P.O.V
"I can't wait for next Christmas,"
I couldn't say it to her now. She was happy, so I couldn't. I didn't have the heart to. I knew that I might not be here next Christmas, and as bad as it sounded, I hoped I wouldn't be. Because, if I was lucky, I would solve her problem before then.
I was scared of it, her problem. It was nowhere to be seen right now, and the last thing I wanted was for it to sneak up behind me. Sometimes I daydream about the possibilities of what it could be, but all of them always seem to be too gruesome for me to fully picture. I didn't want her killed, nor did I want her to suffer through the rest of her life because I'd failed to catch something. I didn't want either of those happening because of me.
That was one of the biggest things about being a guardian angel: living with all of the lives you've failed to save, all of the lives you've failed to correct.
I don't know what I would do if I let her die. I didn't know if it was just the abnormal circumstances, but I have a feeling that if she were to die, it would hit me harder than any other time before. I've been a guardian angel for a long time, but I have never been afraid to face someone else's fate.
But, all I could picture right now was that. Next Christmas.
It almost seemed magical, the opportunity to spend the holiday here, on earth. Here, with her. In heaven, we didn't celebrate Christmas, which was odd, considering that Christmas was almost like heaven's holiday. But, even if we did, I'm sure it wouldn't top Christmas here.
But, I knew it probably wouldn't happen.
So, I just smiled gently, nodding. "Me neither. Merry Christmas, Dohyeong."
—
Dohyeong's P.O.V
I'm eighteen years old, I'm basically almost a grown woman, but Christmas morning always gives me the opportunity to turn into a little girl again.
I loved the thrill of waking up in the morning, exhaustion but excitement coursing through you. I loved going downstairs and seeing your mom with the same video camera she'd been using since you were six. I loved seeing her face as you opened the gifts she swore she wasn't getting you.
It was a happy time for everyone, including the angel, who looked oddly as excited for every gift as I was. He grinned when I got excited, and it only made me smile more. He even clapped every so often, his smile wide as his almost eyes shut. It was so adorable, I almost felt sorry for my parents for not being able to see it.
Most of the rest of the day was spent putting together new outfits with the help of the angel, laughing as we matched absurd pieces together. I also played with my laptop a bit, deciding to break up a little bit of the time to study for my finals.
"I failed math one semester," I said, my tongue swiping over my chapped lips as I watched a video of someone explaining the material.
"Just one? I guess that's not too bad," He shrugged, his fingers playing with the woollen blanket on my bed. "When was it?"
I held in a laugh. "Last semester."
"Dohyeong!"
I felt very close to him at that point, like I could finally call him the good friend I'd already started referring to him as.
Christmas night was a whirlwind of almost all the same people from the night before. But, this time, we were all gathered at my house. I received gifts and hugs from people I hadn't seen yet.
My family did a huge secret Santa, and it was really fun this year. My uncle had gotten a bath kit, and one of the twins had gotten a onesie for a grown man. I had gotten a set of harry potter cookie cutters.
As soon as I had unwrapped it, we all turned to my aunt, who was coincidentally wearing her gryffindor scarf.
Everyone left later that night, the last person leaving around ten. I wasn't as tired this time, the kindled fire inside of me still partially lit as I shut the door behind the last person. But, the thought of my bed still seemed awfully inviting, anyway.
I sat on my floor, front of the small display of lights in my room instead as my parents cleaned up in the kitchen downstairs. My least favourite part was always taking the tree down after Christmas, unbundling all of the excitement and hard work that had led up to it.
"What are you thinking?" Taeyong asked, taking a seat next to me on the floor.
That damned sentence really just made my heart melt. But, I didn't say anything like that, instead just smiling smoothly, "It's just shame we have to take the tree down,"
He nodded, his eyes wandering to the shining star sitting on the top of it. "Yeah. It is,"
I turned my head to face him, my lips lifting up in a small smile as I looked at his expression. He looked utterly entranced by everything. I was happy that I had helped with his obvious joy.
"I'm glad I helped you learn to like Christmas," I said quietly, watching his head turn towards me.
"Well, lately," he paused, turning to me as the both of us were suddenly hyper-aware of the space between us. Somehow, we'd gotten closer in the time we'd been talking, but, neither of us even moved, almost scared to.
"Dohyeong," he mumbled, now so close that I could almost feel his breath on my lips. I wasn't going to lie, the way the lights and shadows reflected on his skin wasn't helping me at all. But, I could still tell that the same thought was racing through both of our heads;
'what if?'
He was someone that I wasn't sure about, and I had never really thought about like that. We matched well, that was for sure, and though I could acknowledge my reoccurring irregular heartbeat around him, I couldn't even trust a human boy with my heart. So I don't know what I would be thinking if I let an angel have it, no matter if it was Taeyong or not.
Plus, Taeyong was finally more of a friend to me, and because I had just gotten out of everything with Hyeokjae, nothing good would come from it. Much less for him, the guardian angel in the pair of us.
But, before I could say or do anything, he whispered, "You know we shouldn't do this,"
Something in me snapped at that moment, slapping all of my previous thoughts back as I blinked and quickly moved away.
"I'm sorry. I don't know where that came from," I whispered, a small sheepish smile coming to my lips as a small fire spread across my cheeks.
Similarly, he looked away, just nodding. "It's okay, I know."
I felt a small stab in my chest at his words, somehow affected by his effortless nonchalancy. But, I was too afraid to think about the reason why.
—
AN: my biases in nct are jaehyun and jeno. Taeyong literally isn't even my bias, but whenever I hear him rapping I still wanna set myself on fire. like his backing vocals and raps in simon says? y e s queen
and the almost kiss in this chapter also lowkey makes me wanna set myself on fire too but that's another thing. (the slowburn is killing me too, even though i literally know the finished timeline)
also, can we just talk about nct's season's greetings? obv i liked taeyong's because i set it as the new cover, but j e n o. lee jeno, okay. woah there. and jung jaehyun?? who gave you the right?? also the both of them in yellow?? mayhaps i died?? anyways lol they all looked great bye
Thanks for 2k, babes~