I placed the flowers on the ground, looking up at the gravesite. Reading the name over and over again, reliving the night. If I had of just ran that slightest bit faster or warned Scott, we wouldn't be in this situation. We could of avoided all of this. I sat down in front of the grave, resting my head in my hands. My eye lids are heavy and I feel as though I could go to sleep, but I can't.
These passed couple of night's have been the worst, so it's been rough trying to get sleep. These passed five nights, I've gotten a total of seven hours of sleep. Whenever I close my eyes I just relive it all. I can hear the gun shot and see all the blood, watch as their bodies drop. I can just see as they hold each other, one letting go and the other one almost just as lifeless. The look and the sounds everyone made.
The sobs and the sighs and the expressions on everyone's faces. The way my heart broke and my whole life was taken from me. Watching a loved one die right in front of me. Not being able to do anything, but watch. I tried to help, I really did but I couldn't. By the time the paramedics got there, it was too late to do anything.
"Thank you, so much. Thank you for everything you've done for me," I chocked, taking a shaky breath in. "Thank you for being there for me and always being so stubborn and saving my ass all the time. Thank you for being someone I've always wanted to meet and hopefully one day become."
I let the tears roll down my face, wiping them as the reach my chin. I let out a sob, hiding my head back in my hands. "I didn't know it was going to be this hard," I laughed at myself, trying to keep myself together.
"I love you so much. I'm sorry this happened to you, this wasn't far. This wasn't apart of the plan and it shouldn't have been you. I should be the one in the coffin right now. I should've been there to protect you, just like I promised myself. I promised myself I wouldn't let anyone else get hurt, but I'm already failing, " I whispered, picking the flowers back up. I smelt them again, smiling as the scent reminded me of them. It's the main reason as to why I chose them.
I held the flowers up to my chest, imagining as though they were hugging me. I could've stayed like that for hours and if it weren't for Scott, I more than likely would've. I looked at my shoulder as he placed his hand on it, looking down at me. I could tell by his eyes that he had been crying. I know Scott's emotional and I've seen him cry before, but I didn't expect him to cry over this. Especially when it's been five days. When it first happened, he didn't cry that much and I guess that's due to the shock of it all. But out of the whole time, this is the worst he's been.
I placed the flowers back down, wiping away my tears as I stood back up. "This is my fault. I wasn't there when I should've been. As soon as they arrived, I should've gone up there and protected them! I could of saved them. I should have saved them."
"Liam, look at me." Scott whispered, placing both his hands on my shoulders. "This is not your fault and you shouldn't be blaming yourself. They died in peace and I know for a fact they wouldn't want this for you. They wouldn't want you blaming yourself."
As he said the word 'died' I looked at him and shook my head, completely falling apart. I chocked on the air and let out the sobs, getting embraced by Scott. He pulled me in close and rested his head on my head. I tried to stop myself from crying, but the more I tried to stop the more I would just cry.
As my eyes closed I can just picture them here. Smiling at me, telling me everything's going to be alright. That it's not going to feel like this forever, that it will get better. I just have to keep fighting. And not just for me, but for them. For all of us. Even including Scott, who we all know is capable of looking after himself, but he still needs someone to be there for him. For me to be there for him.
It was almost pathetic, but at this point in time, I really couldn't care less. The amount of pain I am in at this point, is just too unbearable. So if imagine them standing here is going to help me feel better, than that's just I have to do. But with the amount of pain I'm in, I feel like someone has just taken my heart, ripped it into thousands of pieces and given it back to me. Expecting me to know how to put it back together with no instructions. Expecting it not to hurt me like it should. Expecting me to be calm and fine with it all.
But I'm not fine with it and he can't calm me down. The only people who can help me right now are Allison or Theo. Not my hallucinations, the real ones. But they can't. Because they're not here. They're gone because of me.
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Sorry for the short chapter. Just letting everyone know, I'm not going to be active for a couple of days, as I'm over in New Zealand on a cruise and don't have any wifi or reception. Hope everyone had an amazing Christmas and happy New Years Eve everyone xxx