The night fell so fast. It felt like we had no time, yet somehow we had all the time in the world.
I still feel like I have all the time in the world. I feel so unbelievably happy. I couldn't have asked for a better day or a better person to spend it with. Though, he does have superior sand castle building skills, I have better decision making when it comes to beachside food trucks.
Even now, laying in my bed, recounting the days events while listening to the sound of his breathing, I feel so fortunate.
We built the sand castle and it looked better than Geoff and Awstens. So naturally we crowned ourselves the kings of sand engineering. Brendon made sure ours had a door while I built a moat around it. Awstens was just a mountain of sand. They didn't have much attempt considering the amount of times Geoff said something to make Awsten figuratively die inside. I gotta admit, it was cute.
While Geoff and Awsten went into the water, Brendon and I sat under the umbrella and made ourselves at home with Awstens snacks. He brought fruit and essential beach snacks along with Pringle's and juice. We ate more than we should have.
I even managed to convince Brendon to tell me a space fact. One I already knew but the moon basically tells the tides what to do. The moon is like the commander of the ocean. I told him that.
And he said, "Basically!" And got really excited and started to ramble on about the topic. Finding more metaphors and even beginning to tell me stuff that I didn't know.
He did go quiet after I asked how excited he was to go to school in California.
"I'm not sure I'm going." He mumbled under his breath. He was upset about it. But I was glad he finally told me something about it. It was like he kept every feeling he had for his future under lock and key in his mind since that scare.
"Why? Do you not want to?"
I remember him picking at the loose threads on the fabric and how he couldn't stop moving around on his damp towel. "I don't know. I don't really want to talk about it."
I feel bad even now about pressing about it, but I couldn't leave it floating in the air aimlessly. I had to keep it going. "I think you should go. I think you might regret passing it up."
"You want me to go?"
"Of course." I'm sure of it. I don't care if I won't see him often.
Brendon moved on the bed to face the wall, taking me out of my thoughts for just a moment. I wonder if he's hearing what I'm thinking about. Maybe he just knows. He's like a mind reader.
I would feel horrible if I were the one to keep him back. Besides, he shouldn't make drastic decisions like this without thinking about them for a while. Nobody should make decisions while grieving.
He threw a blueberry at me to stop the conversation from going anywhere else. I got it though. He isn't ready.
Geoff and Awsten were holding their breath to see who could last longer, but that ended up with them in fits of giggles when they got up for air.
Brendon watched too. Then smiled and stood up. He would have knocked the umbrella over if I wasn't holding onto it.
"Let's get real food." He held his hand for me to take. I would never deny a chance to hold his hand.
"Corn dogs."
"Fries."
"Pizza?"
"Fries."
"... tacos?"
"Fries."
"Say something other than fries."
"No, fries are the superior food."
Brendon stood for a moment, his hand loosely in mine while I was as confident with my answer as I could be. "Okay, you're right."
We got the fries, each with salt and pepper. We sat on the bench in front of the truck and stared at the water at a higher view. To get to the food trucks is a journey on a low hill and a couple of minutes walk. We had Awsten and Geoff watching the set up for a price of their very own food bought by us. Or better yet, bought by Brendon. He insisted because it was all his idea to come to the beach in the first place. I didn't like it but I guess it was okay.
The whole time I couldn't stop thinking about the one kiss. Just the one. The whole fact that everything fell silent. It wasn't even our first kiss. It didn't happen for some important reason. The only thing I knew was that I cared for him so deeply in that moment. The moment of him and I joking about who is who compared to Awsten and Geoff. The moment of who's more nervous about us. The moment where I just wanted to kiss him for no reason.
The moonlight shines on his arms. It's hitting nowhere but the corner of the room where Brendon happens to be laying. I miss his body close to mine but right now it was the best decision he's ever made. It's too hot to sleep with regular clothes on. The shirt he wanted to wear is lying on the floor where all of his other things are. The only thing he has on are the shorts. So the moonlight shines all up his back and on his hair. He looks shiny. Brand new.
He turns his head to look at me and smiles lazily. "Can you sleep, maybe?"
"How do you know I'm not sleeping?"
"Your thoughts are loud." He says plainly and moves around to get comfortable. His arm slides under his head and his eyes are barely open. He yawns before setting his head on his arms and looks at me. "Also, your breathing is louder when you're awake."
I turn toward him as well. Before I was just on my back because that made perfect for his head to snuggle close. But he moved and I didn't bother doing the same until now.
"I had a really good day. Thank you."
"Mm. You're welcome." He smiles once again, earning the moon to shine on his sleepy eyelids. He's so perfect. "Go to sleep now."
"I'm serious. I'm really happy." I say, tangling our legs together. His lips form a small grin. "It was really nice."
"It was normal. You didn't even break any rules." He frowns.
He's right. I didn't break any rules and that seems to be what makes somebody live. But just being around him is proof enough that I'm alive. He reminds me that there's more to life than just working and sleeping and eating. That the beach is something that very much exists. Beside him I feel like I'm actually breathing.
"You can thank me tomorrow, though." He perks up. "But for right now I would like you to sleep."
"My house, my rules."
"Hey, I gave you a good day. I make the rules tonight." He smiles so wide I see his teeth. He doesn't seem tired anymore. "If you don't sleep then I'll be forced to stay up too. And I don't want to."
He leaned forward and kissed me quickly before turning around and falling back down. Obviously this is an invitation to hold him.
My arm slides under his and suddenly we're both moving to get comfortable and bam, we're still. He holds my hand under his and traces circles. His breaths are smooth and light as he tries to fall asleep.
I kiss his shoulder and think about how much I don't want this day to end. But it has to. Tomorrow is going to be another day. Another normal day.
-
I am finished all my exams for this semester God bless
anyways my phone broke lmao
-jj